Blah, Blah, Schtuff & Poetry Sometimes.

Come go live die already

Decide then do it

I was skinny

All arms and legs

And heedless

Now compact

But my balance

My vision

The world

Are all

Different

Still knocking things over

Bumping into things

Saying what I should not

No longer heedless

But

Helpless

In different ways

Wisdom can grow

But it is

A sideline

Not the main event

had a plan

acted it out

given that we are all

doing our best

what made it your best

to load up guns&ammo

drive to a Walmart

find children

shopping

on a Saturday

the weekend

before school

that hopeful day of

bright yellow pencils

new shoes

hopeful little hearts

beating with

anticipation

what part of this

made you need to

put a stop to it?

especially the hearts

you had new shoes once

pencils, hope

a heart

maybe you bought your

guns&ammo

at Walmart

nobody asked why

what for

what do you hunt

with an AK-47

nobody even

looked at you funny

you drove to a town

to kill children

parents

families

who you deemed

death-worthy

people ran

people hid

people died

you saw yourself

on the News

this was all okay with you

not to anybody else

except

the NRA

Moscow Mitch

Republican gun-worshipers

fellow murderers

religions and governments

come and go

it's time

to turn this world

upside down

and shake out

the trash

August 3rd 2019

food and drink

where They can see us

I was afraid at first

but that's all They do

They look.

I think it is Their custom

They look

They feed us

we eat and drink

so we look too

we

my mate and I

stare in at Them

through their glass nest

people hurt themselves

running into these

false walls

we know better

we hover and look

eat and drink

not sure what They want

but They seem harmless

foolish and harmless

but

maybe

kind

it's a mystery

Why didn't I run away

Why didn't I kill myself

Not that it never occurred to me

What a question to ask

Of a child

Why not

Why were those my only recourse

Why did nobody stop it

Rescue me

You're asking the wrong person

Here I am

A cause for blame

Barely a person at all

Where were you

70 years ago

who reads minds

asks for pets

asks to be picked up

she needs no words

tells time better than the alarm clock

but doesn't save daylight

hasn't much use for daylight

loves me in the wee hours

I am soft and sleepy and

her small heavy feet

tell me she wants to

snuggle or

be fed

or both

she told me she didn't want

to go into the carrier

as it only goes to bad places

even on the way home

it's worse than she thought

it's worse than I thought

who can't cry

then can't stop

I never cry

and I can't not

she is gone

the window-rattler

who purrs not in warning

but to make sure I know

as I am dim

I do not seem to be able to

read minds

and she could never quite

understand the truth of that

because she read mine

every thought I had

she just had

poor comprehension

But she hid when she heard

the thought about the carrier

and then decided to trust me

and came out

when I

betraying monster

called her

surely, surely,

Mama would not

do that kind of thing

again

surely

and I cried

and I cried

in front of the shelter people

all the way there

all the way home

she read my mind

she always does

and

my heart

that evil betraying bastard

broke and broke again

and shattered and

burst into a million tears

and she cried

and panted

her pink tongue

in her black shiny face

and her round green eyes

and her soft round furry body

gone

a black cat

has no business

in a shelter

and shelter is

the wrong word

she had shelter

and I took it away

I was

a monster

for reasons of my own

I cried and cried

and did it anyway

for reasons of my own

that she can't

understand

and can't read

because

we are not

together

and never will be

again

All the senses disconnected

The whole world

All I ever knew

Unreachable

I believe there is still

Me

But

Same as being born

New at this

Needing to learn

How it works

I will

(Most likely

But who knows)

Will be really bad at it

Death is a thing

Nobody knows the details of

After

But I know this

Nothing is the same

Show my beating heart

Be known

Like mythical figures do

Great way to attract

Unsavory elements

The opposite of my intention

sorta kinda

almost

made it

equality is not

being the same

measuring up

proving anything

now

we are containers

not human

livestock

breeding stock

some of us

those who

were not

sterilized

already

dehumanized

there is

long-built rage here

another wedge

to divide us

but hey

they don't always

get to call the shots

nobody believed in

incest or rape anyway

and it's

beside the point

if I am a victim

I can own

a little piece

of who I am

I will not be

a victim

so much more reason

to kill

uncles daddies strangers

those ones

who chuckle

think they know

all the clichés about

women's and girls'

vulnerability

they won't control

the guns

but hey

women

POC

LGBTQ+

you know

we get to buy

all the guns

you can get

clock's ticking

if you have

all the choices

choose wisely

our new colors

red black and blue

there is no cheering

colors of disunion

a war of no civility

former pride

replaced with

so much shame

the symbolism

is all fucked up now

no one is writing

hymns to the state

the glaring red rockets

are shot into the faces

of We

the People

red for the innocent blood

countless murders

deepest betrayal

abandonment

intertwined with black

black for lives that matter

but go disregarded

except with evil intent

black for the darkness

of this dark age

black for the silence

of the dead decayed souls

of those who will not hear

those who will not see

who quibble and cavil

find excuses for

the direst cruelties

black and blue

beaten and bruised

ultimately

lives stolen away

blue

for the uniforms

of brownshirts

murderers

psychopaths

who claim that

their lives

matter the most

delighting in

violating sacred oaths

serving-and-protecting

themselves only

this flag

no longer

stands for

The light that burns her

Ruins her wings

I come back

Again and again

Destroyed

In increments

He tears away my safety

Like a thin cotton dress

Soft and fragile

I don't know how

Not to love him

It feels perverse

I have no good choice

The flame is beautiful

And it warms me

Before it

Inevitably

Obliterates me

quit saying:

my dog is my therapist

my friends are my therapy

my therapy is painting/throwing pots/ writing/playing tiddlywinks

any of that

only therapy is therapy

unless your dog

makes you drill down

into your most uncomfortable confusing thoughts

face the shit you have been running away from

help you find things

you can do for yourself

to be able to move on

if your friends are your therapy

when does it end

are you going to ditch them

when you feel better

what kind of friendship is that

once again do your friends want

every intimate

embarrassing

dangerous

thought/belief /feeling

on display

maybe so but

where do we go from there

how do they help

it’s a lot to ask

therapy isn’t supposed to be forever

but friendship can be

doing hobbies/artwork/games

whatever

these worthy pursuits

are not therapy

they are comforting

they can be a part of therapy

having somebody to talk to

who sees hears understands

what you have been doing

your feelings about it

where you’re going with it

great adjuncts to therapy

but not therapy

therapy isn’t fun

it isn’t easy

if you’re doing it right

therapy only makes you feel better

after the core wounds

are discovered/opened/cleaned and stitched

none of that is fun

it takes time and tears

and facing the worst of the worst

but it heals

keep your dogs/friends/hobbies

set them free

only therapy is therapy

quit saying:

my dog is my therapist

my friends are my therapy

my therapy is painting/throwing pots/ writing/playing tiddlywinks

any of that

only therapy is therapy

unless your dog

makes you drill down

into your most uncomfortable confusing thoughts

face the shit you have been running away from

help you find things

you can do for yourself

to be able to move on

if your friends are your therapy

when does it end

are you going to ditch them

when you feel better

what kind of friendship is that

once again do your friends want

every intimate

embarrassing

dangerous

thought/belief /feeling

on display

maybe so but

where do we go from there

how do they help

it’s a lot to ask

therapy isn’t supposed to be forever

but friendship can be

doing hobbies/artwork/games

whatever

these worthy pursuits

are not therapy

they are comforting

they can be a part of therapy

having somebody to talk to

who sees hears understands

what you have been doing

your feelings about it

where you’re going with it

great adjuncts to therapy

but not therapy

therapy isn’t fun

it isn’t easy

if you’re doing it right

therapy only makes you feel better

after the core wounds

are discovered/opened/cleaned and stitched

none of that is fun

it takes time and tears

and facing the worst of the worst

but it heals

keep your dogs/friends/hobbies

set them free

only therapy is therapy

***

I love that you trust me

enough to say No

when you abruptly

refuse consent

even when you see

how badly I want

something from you

There is of course

pain involved

but then I think of

all the times

all the others

who ignored your

No

and took what they wanted

treated you like a thing

baggage to be dragged along

and I will never

never never

treat you that way

because your trust

is more valuable

than my desire

(but one can dream)