#eegees

C:  So, before we get started, why don’t you tell me what you’ve been up to.

CB:  What, like a day-by-day recap?  Should I go grab my diary?

C:  There’s no need for sarcasm, sir.

CB:  Have we met?

C:  Just answer the question, sir!

CB:  I dunno.  A little of this, a little of that.

C:  You’re a regular open book, aren’t you?

CB:  Let’s see.  I’ve done some Slideshow Fairytales performances.  I work downtown now.  I moved to Armory Park.  I bought a bicycle. I’ve added Abilify to my daily regimen.  Is that enough for you?  It’s an exciting life I live.

C:  You bought a bike?  And do you ride it, too, or…?

CB:  You’re hilarious.  No wonder nobody loves you.

C:  Well, that’s uncalled for.

Let’s get this interview back on track.  Catfish, tell me, how long have you been in Tucson?

CB:  My entire life.

C:  Oh, a native Tucsonan.

CB:  Well, not, y’know, Native-native.  But yes.

C:  People usually make a comment when they find out we’ve spent our entire life in Tucson.

CB:  That’s true.  Maybe we should think about moving?

C:  Or lying about where we were born?

CB:  Or lying about all of the places we haven’t lived?

C:  Or just do more lying in general?

CB:  Oh, I’m already getting confused as to which Catfish is the interviewer and which the interviewee.

C:  I don’t think it matters.  Right?  

Lookit that, I just asked a question, so we’ll assume that I’m the interviewer.

CB:  Fair enough.

CB:  When did you first get here?

C:  “Here” as in Tucson?  1982.  When I was born.  Also when you were born.

CB:  How was the trip?

C:  The trip out of the birth canal?  Okay, I guess?  Thankfully, I don’t remember it at all.  That would be a horrifying thing to remember.

C:  How has Tucson changed since you’ve been here?

CB:  Obviously the growth is the biggest thing.  I grew up on the eastside, which means that a good portion of the city’s population wouldn’t even consider me an actual Tucsonan, and a number of those years I would have said it was the far east side, but that’s not the case anymore.  Anyway, I remember not having trash pickup service southeast of Golf Links and Harrison.  You just had to fend for yourself.  And there weren’t streetlights in the residential neighborhoods.  It was basically the world of Mad Max.

C:  Why do you think that there’s a portion of Tucson that wouldn’t consider someone who grew up on the east side, someone like you, to be a Tucsonan.

CB:  Because I’ve literally heard people say things to that effect.  I once heard someone say that they won’t drive east of Swan.  That’s just bonkers.  You know what’s east of Swan?  Sabino Canyon, dumb dumb.  And several Target locations.

C:  Can you tell me one of Tucson’s nicknames?

CB:  Well, there was that really stupid one from the ‘80s, “The Sunshine Factory.”  It doesn’t even make any sense.  Were we manufacturing sunshine?  Or was, oh, I don’t know, the sun doing that in outer space?

C:  Can you give Tucson a new nickname?

CB:  Probably “The Waystation.”

C:  Care to explain that?

CB:  Oh, just too many of Tucson’s fine people don’t stay put.  If you live here long enough, it starts to feel like most people are just visitors passing through.  

C: Uplifting as always, Catfish.  When did the doctor say the Abilify is supposed to kick in?

As you may be aware, Tucson is home to a number of burrito joints.  From upscale to the vending machine variety.  Tell me, what’s your ideal burrito filling?

CB:  If I don’t want to make a mess, I’m a big fan of the steak, egg, and cheese breakfast burrito (at ANY time of the day).  If I’m comfortable making a mess, I’ll go with the red chile burrito.

C:  Enchilada style: yay or nay?

CB: Obviously the former would not be done enchilada style, but the latter should, of course, be eaten enchilada style.  It’s all about context, darling.

C:  To the uninitiated, driving the streets of Tucson can be an ordeal.  Do you have a favorite street to drive down?

CB:  For some reason, I really enjoy Pima, even before they did any repaving.    

C:   What’s your least favorite street to drive down?

CB:  The stretch of any of the streets bordering the UA campus.  Or, if I’m riding my bike, ANY residential street.  They’re all in awful shape.  Pedaling across them is just terrible.  Bike-friendly city, my ass...

C:  Well, why not just ride on the big-boy streets?

CB:  Because I’m trying to keep our big-boy melon from being split wide open.

C:  Melon?  You mean our head?

CB:  I very much do.

C:  Tucson has a rich musical background.  It was mentioned in a The Beatles song and (I think) The Doors once played here.  What’s your favorite local musical act?

CB:  I’m going to answer with a band that I’m sure nobody else will, if only because I guess they’re defunct?  Also, we stopped interviewing people for three plus years, sooooo...  I don’t know.  Anyway, I really enjoyed Yeti Ender and I’m still waiting for the vinyl release of their first album (and any kind of release of their second one).

C:  The University of Arizona is one of the largest employers in Tucson and plays an integral role in much of the happenings of the city.  In each interview, I like to ask a deep question about the U of A: can you tell me something about the U of A?

CB:  No.

C:  Fair enough.  

Now is the portion of the interview when I normally ask some Reader Questions, but, as you’re well aware, we don’t have readers.

CB:  Right.

C:  So, instead, I’ll ask, what are you currently reading?

CB:  I just started Denis Johnson’s Train Dreams, as in, I just put the bookmark in the first page.  So, maybe I haven’t actually started it?  Whatever.  I’m also slowly working through an anthology of Bukowski poetry.

C:  Poetry?  When did we start reading poetry?

CB:  You know when.

C:  After the incident?

CB:  Yes.  “The incident.”

C:  How are you enjoying it?

CB:  How am I enjoying the incident?

C:  No, the poetry, obviously.

CB:  Oh, it’s fine, I think?  I don’t know?  I don’t really know how to read poetry.  Or understand it?  The only way I can pay any attention to it is to read it out loud.

C:  So you pace the bedroom reading Bukowski out loud, making the neighbors concerned.

CB:  Pretty much.

C:  The Sonoran Desert is home to Tucson, and nothing symbolizes the desert more than the iconic saguaro cactus.  Tell me, Catfish, do you prefer saguaros with or without arms?

CB:  With arms, I mean, c’mon.  Without arms, they’re just immature little shits. The armless ones, like--no more than three of them would be allowed in a grocery store physically located near a school at the same time, that’s the kind of little shits we’re talking about here.

C:  The monsoon season is a special time for the denizens of Tucson.  When a monsoon thunderstorm strikes, what do you prefer to be doing?

CB:  Kissing a pretty woman.

C:  Oh, God…

CB:  You asked!

C:  It’s TOPICAL QUESTION time: how’s about this new administration in Washington?

CB:  [starts banging his head against the wall repeatedly]

C:  Now it’s time for the LIGHTNING ROUND.  We’re still working on the impressive, special effects-laden introduction.  In the LIGHTNING ROUND, I want you to give me your immediate, gut reactions to the questions.  If you think about an answer too long, you will be disqualified and will lose all money you’ve won thus far in the game.

CB:  Okay.

C:  Are you ready for the Lightning Round?

CB:  I’m so ready that they call me Nearby Thunderstrike!

C:  Oh, God…

CB:  No good?

C:  Let’s get started.

Eegee’s french fries: ranch or two ranches?

CB:  Two ranches, minimum.  Those fries gotta get ranched, baby.

C:  Spring Fling or Pima County Fair?

CB:  Spring Fling, just because I don’t want to drive out to the ends of the Earth.

C:  Sixth Ave or Sixth St?

CB: Avenue.

C:  Yard sales on a Sunday morning or the Swap Meet on a Saturday night?

CB:  Saturday night Swap Meet.

C:  Which is more annoying: people who misspell “Tucson” or people from Phoenix?

CB:  People who misspell Tucson because SPELLCHECK IS A THING THAT EXISTS.  

C:  Preferred Gem Show purchase: “authentic” arrowheads or anything-turquoise?

CB:  I will not be happy until I have a turquoise skull in my home!

C:  Sabino Canyon or Mt. Lemmon?

CB:  Mt. Lemmon (which is also east of Swan).

C:  Garry Shandling or Craig T. Nelson?

CB:  Hey now!  Garry all the way.

C:  Finally, finish this sentence: “Tucson is…”

CB:  Always here for you.