#ee2dieem

You are, as I have always said, a friend first more than anything. My last intention would be to ruin what we have. Mahalaga ka. Sobra. I would not be this unsettled if you don't mean much to me.

I never meant to hurt you.

I hope you could find it in yourself to forgive me. Take your time. When you're ready, let's start having a better relationship. I'd like for you to tell me when and how my actions have affected you, especially if negatively. I have told you na natatakot ako na mag-impose o mag-reach out kasi baka lumayo ka ulit. The anger might flare again and I really don't know how to deal with it. Iintayin na lang kita mag-cool down. Then we can talk and settle things. Miss na kita, i hope you know that. And I would always wish you happiness and peace of mind.

I heard that things might be troublesome for you now and if you need an outlet, please find someone to talk to. Talk. Rationally. Without the smoking, without the alcohol. Find someone at least to listen.

I wish you'd make your decisions after much consideration and a clear mind.

i dreamt of you again. 

this time i had woken from the bedroom i seldom slept in, my roommates already at the dining table supposedly reviewing. the sound of conversation had woken me and i looked up, still groggy from sleep, to recognize a figure whose back was to me. there’s a flit of suspicion before you turn sideways and i confirm that you indeed have come.

as if you all realized i am awake, three pairs of eyes turned to me. i just stared back at you though, my mind muddled from sleep and yet refusing to accept your presence. i remembered laying my head down - prone that i am - and heard movement from the living room. your voice comes to me, muffled by the pillow on which i’ve shoved my face on. You had said, “Tutulog pa ulit cya?” (She’s going to sleep again?) and my roommates answered, “Kakahiga lang nyan” and “Puyat kagabi”. (She just went to bed / (She) Stayed up late last night.)

The bed dips on my right side and then there’s a familiar weight on my back, where you had apparently draped your body. I stay still, hopefully in a convincing display of slumber, but you wiggled and so did i. My then moan of protest is answered with your laugh (and in the foggy state of mind i thought i missed that sound). Your chin rested on my shoulder. 

We stayed just like that for a while, the warmth of your body an added comfort I let happen. There was no why or how in my dream. Things like that could come another time because after all at that point we already are. For the sake of dreams, that is all that mattered.

You eventually moved, pushing higher against me and there’s the brush of your lips on my nape. You whispered, “Hello. Missed me?“ 

Unwilling that i am to move or lose your weight above me, I just smiled.

I half-expected you to be there when I woke up for real despite already having that feeling it wasn’t going to be so. Ok na din because in this version the whys and hows would have to be answered and this is not the time in my life for things like that. Or for people who put what ifs I dare not ponder on. I am at the playing field of my career right now. As regretful as it is to say, I would have to pass on whatever this is temporarily.

let me just say that if how i saw you last night is as you are in reality these days, then I’m happy for you. 

you make me want to go on a roadtrip with you. somewhere far, like Ilocos or Baguio or Batanes. the windows will be rolled down and a mix of pop and country music will be playing loud enough to get us in the groove to sing along or most of the time dance to it. the back seat will have hastily packed overnight bags, blankets and groceries from our spontaneous shopping spree of snacks (and lots of water) earlier. i’ll have my sunglasses on, and because it’s a long trip i’d be wearing a dress or a shirt and shorts. something comfortable, and that would look good in the pictures. (you know there’s be a LOT of those before we even get to wherever we're going) you’ll have the same laid back look and i might find myself stealing glances at you because you have that charm, even in casual wear. damn you.

you’d most likely start the conversations, and i’d be the one to start the singing. when it gets dark and you get a little tired, we’d switch and i’d let you sleep. and when my eyes start to ache, we’d find some place to stop by for the night, recline the seats and fall asleep curled up under the blankets.

when morning comes, you’d wake me with a cup of coffee - because it turned out you had been prepared more than i originally thought and that’s sweet as hell - and we’d find breakfast in one of those roadside tapsihans and in between bites we’d enjoy the silence, unprovoked to start talk because we like things gradual and it’s 5AM and that’s just what we need for now. we might walk awhile, chatting up locals for the wheres and hows and taking just a little too many photos because it will be some time before it happens again.

When we finally decide to get back on the road hours later, we’re a little more excited for this. you start the car, i queue my playlist and we’re off, doing the same crazy things we did yesterday. you’d laugh out loud, making your eyes crinkle just a little bit more on the sides. your hands will be tapping along with the song and my head will be nodding to the beat. sometime during the drive you’ll roll the windows down again and we’d stick our arms out, going full roadtrip mode when we shout out, uncaring of the cars and people we’d pass.

And a part of you goes with them. It was private, it had been hidden, revealed only because there was the passing of momentary trust. And now, with that person gone, you pray the world wouldn’t know. You will be part of their conversations, surely, those curious minds posing questions to one party because the other half simply couln’t be there, not when there was so much that went on between them a simple meeting of the eyes is enough to bring silly, stupid emotions into resurrection.

You pray that when they are asked what really happened, why things didnt work out, the answers they’d give are acceptable ones - general and yet clear. Unblaming. Honest. You hope it ends there, along with keeping the for-us thoughts alone.

Because with one slip, however casual, you are suddenly, inevitably exposed. It was one fact and yet would be enough for them to claim they know you. It’s sad, defeating even, when one is defined from stories. There will always be two sides – people fail to realize that. Still, they listen to what they feel more believable, or more expressive.

It gets chaotic. From your silent world, people start to piece out the you they ‘know’. To think that it all stemmed from a brief vulnerable moment that was only, originally, shared by two. Things get complicated because people tell stories and they make a fucked-up fairytale out of it.

When you’ve been hurt bad enough and for the first time, how do you keep up the pretense of looking so.. composed? How do you not tell them that it isn’t okay, that it hurts at times you least expected.. least wanted? How do you get out of something that’s complicated and lacks closure?

It mattered so much because there was no one else, and because it was the first time of things. I now begin to accept that eventually we would get tired of each other because in the first place we dont have something concrete to hold on to. We match in less number of things than i could count. We were just "friends with benefits in a different sense”, and people like that get on with their daily lives without the other. We aren’t a package deal. We looked like it the first time.. and look where it brought us.

This was bound to happen. This is, however inconvenient, what is right and what i deserve. You aren’t a permanent fixture in my life. You wouldn’t be.“