#ediwow

[ pre-release bago debut XD ]

As much as I wanted my first ever blog to be unique and something worth reading, I decided to post this instead. This is what I wrote last year, October 23, 2019, at 12:05 AM. Today is October 26, I kinda missed the opportunity to post it three days ago for it may have added ‘wow’ factor to whoever who read this. Anyway, this was just a school requirement I was forced to do.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a good writer, but I sure am good (or so I thought) at putting my emotions into words. I guess it’s not my responsibility anymore if you’d understand what I mean, because I, often don’t either. So here’s a piece of how my actual train of thought chugs:

“As soon as I got home from school, I immediately banged myself down here in my creaked (should be creaking, I know) bed. I exasperatedly tried to catch my breath then completely rested my body— feeling every inch of my body touched the sheets. Ironically, it is not that thick rather, filled with aged and loose foam that I just got used to and settled to this type of comfort it brings. Well, it doesn't matter. Time is running but I decided anyway to stare at the rusty roof of the double decker bed. Frustratedly, I tried to stretch up my legs to its roof. Feeling not satisfied, I kicked both of my feet hardly to its surface. There, the dust fell like it is powdered sugar going through a giant sieve and I was the cake— an ugly cake.

How I wish I was allergic to dust so that I will have an excuse to avoid it. Because I hate dust. They are basically dirt and is very disgusting. I am used to participating activities that requires manpower so this isn’t a new sight for me. I don't even know how this dust have gone so thick because it hasn’t been long since I cleaned yet now, it fell down to my body and even to my face! I hate this so much that I wish I can get rid of this. Yet, I am one. *parkour moment* We are all one. I hate to be one.

Witness me write bullshit. The instruction said as I write this literary piece was to write something about our fears. I don't specifically fear the dust, don't get me wrong. But, I fear its potential. They are so simple yet have the capability to create and destroy. I often wonder what is the use of everything that we are doing, if we are all just a speck of a dust in the eye of the universe— formed from ashes and will return to ashes, from dust returning to dust, will be born and soon, excitingly for me, die.

We are all just human beings— both mere, and special. I think I understand that as we have only one life (but if you believe in afterlife, it's fine), all are in pursuit of whatever the fuck we want *insert Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs*. Maybe I’m overgeneralizing there but I hope you got the point.

All are in their own races with life on who's going to win or who’s going to reach their ‘peak’ first. I don't understand why they compete when the rival is no one but themselves. Driven by their selfish desires, most of them don't care if they aspire to be like crabs, grabbing each other's foot and pulling down one another. Shame, it is really depressing to be a dust. With all the heartbreaking and tragic news around the world, I feel sorry and accountable though I’m aware it isn’t my responsibility.

A stupid thought came to my mind: if there are no dusts in the world, then there will be no problem. But, without dust, there would be less rainfall, the sky wouldn't be blue and sunsets will be less beautiful (yes, scientifically). I hate to admit but the world needs dust. STILL, I fear the dust. Every single time, I’m having a hard time to put on a hopeful outlook on life. But my faith in them is still clinging. Maybe its time to embrace the dust within me.

Or how about... never? Maybe it’s also time for me to clean off the dust that has sieved just a while ago. Time is ticking, how can I become a better dust in this lifetime? Nope. What would be our ulam for tonight, rather? Do I deserve what I have right now? Do I even have the right to question about these things that are probably not even worth discussing? Will I have a reasonable grade out of this garbage? I can’t even care more about anything.”