#echosofaaliyah

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When I was in the middle of my DV situation, one of the things they tried to make me believe, was that I was not a good mother and my children were misbehaved. But as I listened and watched more, especially them with their own children, I noticed what they truly meant.

They think my children were bad because they had confidence and knew how to say no. My kids can look right at me and feel comfortable "disobeying" me without fear. While my family thinks that if there is no level of fear, they are "disrespectful".

My father would tell my children, "you may not listen to your mother, but you'll listen to me" and I just laughed. Because no they won't? And I don't know why you think they would. And if he ever thought he was going to lay a finger on my kids, he would have had to go through me first. Or face a fury he has not seen from me before.

They use their fists, threats, and violence to uphold their control. They emotionally and mentally manipulate people into thinking if they aren't quiet and compliant, they deserve to be abused. And I was never teaching my children that.

They have autonomy, they don't have ccontrol over their lives (I still set their schedules/routines/ and care for them) but they have the ability to tell me no. They have the chance to work towards becoming responsible for themselves.

Let me make everyone aware that my oldest child is 7. They expected my toddlers to act like emotionally regulated adults. And they are the mentally unstable ones for thinking like that.

My kids "destroyed" things, because my sensory seeking autistic son peeled paint off of sweaty walls. He found paint that was already peeling and ripped it off. My daughters wanted to run and play *gasp* early in the morning 😰. My family stayed up all night, so somehow that meant my children weren't allowed to exist during the day. They like to sing and rock on the couch. The *thing* they did to regulate themselves.

But to them that was "weird," that was "unacceptable," and that was something my kids needed to stop doing because "they didn't like it".

Every step of the way, whenever they tried to convince me to align with their worldview. I refused. And that's why I am "a problem" I know how to say no now and stand it. I don't need their validation or approval and I definitely wasn't sacrificing my children and their mental health for THEIR APPROVAL. They are out of their minds.

My children before we lived there we kind, sweet, a little shy and reserved but they were so loving, ESPECIALLY towards themselves. Ever since we survived that situation and escaped? They've been acting like traumatized children. More anxious, worried about mom or dad leaving them behind, screaming at and hitting each other (they NEVER did of this before). My daughter started crying about wanting to die and not loving herself. (These are things that happen because she doesn't want to go to sleep btw 😭). And I know exactly why.

Being around people who treated their existence as a burden, who would wake up screaming about how much they hated all of us, wanted us to die, and so many henious things. Having a grown adult RUN at them threateningly just because they wanted to say hi to their cats. Told almost everyday how they are unwanted and a bother because "I'm not used to living with people"(lie), watching their mother have her hair pulled out and pepper sprayed. And the people who did it being manipulative as fuck, saying they deserved it and if they don't "start acting right" it'll happen again.

I still wish no (and never have) harm to my family.

And then afterwards, going from place to place. Long car rides, living in hotels or shelters. Having a mom and dad that are exhausted, burnt out, and overwhelmed with trying to keep them alive. Disappointing birthdays, Halloween, and soon to be Christmas. They have gone through so much, and never at any point will I look at them and call them "bad" or misbehaved for trying to process all this shit.

My daughter this morning threw herself on the floor and screamed at me that she didn't have to listen and she didn't love herself. All because she didn't want to brush her hair and teeth today. So, you know what I did? I sat on the floor with her, offered a hug, and held her until she stopped crying. And then I told her, "I love you, and it's really important to me that you love you too." And that was that. When she was ready she went and took care of herself.

And our morning wasn't "ruined" by someone thinking I should have had beaten her instead.

My kids are good kids, they always will be. They don't deserve abuse for any reason, and I will continue to teach them how to tell me no (when safe to ofc) and stand in it confidently.

And I hope one day they become the nightmare you truly think they are. I hope that they grow up with the backbone and nervous system to actually make a difference in this world.

I will not be raising a generation that will fall in line and do what they are told because someone might hurt them.

A lot of my intentions lay in the fact that I would like some level of control in the environment around me. I am not ashamed to admit that I would like a say over my life, routine, or choices I am able to make. I would like to be able to wake up in the morning and decide what work I'd like to do, how I'd like to do it, and when I'd want to. It's something I want to work towards for

everyone,

so why would I not for myself? It's a dream I have for the community, and how humans are expected to show up. I don't want control or power over people. Only myself. And I think that's something that should be expected of everyone. No one should have control or power over anyone, and that truth has to start from within ourselves.

But what exactly would I do? This is a question I struggled with for a long time. I saw since I was an itty bitty teenager and the career counselors asked me what work I wanted to do. I wanted to be an artist/author. I wanted to make stories and share them with people and eventually I wanted to do animations. But everyone around me told me that was unrealistic, that I should strive for something different and, "made more money". Even though it was completely realistic where I lived. Buffalo Ny doesn't have much but our colleges provided so many different programs that I could have gone for so many different majors. If people truly allowed me to make the decision for myself.

My assumptions are, because I was a "gifted" student they saw my passions in art as "wasted potential" why would a child as smart as me not want to work towards a life filled with studying and compliance? Why would I not want to make a bunch of money? Why would I not want to fall in line and do as I'm told? Especially when they had spent years trying to break my spirit and creativity.

But my brain sort of shuts down when I'm expected to figure out what to do from within the system. I was at my unhealthiest when I was falling in line and doing as I'm told. I have always had a deep love for animals. So, I tried to get a job working with animals. It took a long time for me to get a job, I was applying since I was a teen but I didn't get one until I was an adult and had already had children. I was ignoring my disabilities, basically avoiding having to accept I was disabled. And I was desperate to prove myself and I also was naive enough to think I had a say in changing anything there.

People are always on their best behavior the first month, but eventually they get domineering and controlling. Especially when you're a person who speaks up and doesn't back down. So, eventually I was told to, "stop advocating for the animals"

I refused, "I will speak up if there is an animal that will experience neglect." And there is nothing they can say against that. Otherwise they'd have to admit that they truly don't care about the animals welfare, but I knew that they did. And that's why it was heartbreaking to hear those words out of their mouths. That's why it was heartbreaking Everytime they chose 'policy' over what was best for the animal. That's why when I started experiencing pushback I just quit. Why would I do work I know will hurt life when that is something I'm so against?

And why is it that animal welfare is almost completely voluntary? Why is it you must have money or government approval before you're able to jump in this work and do something different? And why do so few people actually ask this question? Why does it seem like there are owners who want to justify their negligence for "I can't afford it" as opposed to looking for a way to make a better life for us all possible? But I'm going off on a bit of a tangent. A lot of my frustrations lay in this thought. How a lot of the jobs that will change the world for the better, are completely voluntary and most times pay nothing. How if you want to help people, animals, or the environment, you need the money to be able to do that. And if you don't you need to "be realistic and get a job" when these are jobs!!

And then, when we offer the suggestion of a moneyless society, something that wouldn't require us to afford life, it is seen as something "impossible". That there is no possible chance that humans would work for free when we already have so many examples of people working for free!!!!!!! And when I say, "I would happily work so that you don't have to" they sort of malfunction. They don't believe me.

But I would absolutely work for you to rest.

I don't want to do work for corporations, genocide, or wars. I want to do work for the community, for rest, for care. I want my society, fellow humans, and nature to thrive all around me. I want people to feel confident, determined, and capable of making their own decisions. I don't want to work to make profit at all, I want to work to see life around me thrive. I see it all as one big garden and I want all the buds to bloom. And I think if someone needs to rest, they deserve to rest. For as long as that is required. Because we are Overworked, we are burnt out and exhausted, and every single one of you deserves a break. And I want to work towards that future, where eventually everyone is able to take their well deserved break. And I think no one needs to be expected to get to work. Because once you're well rested and fed, you will naturally gravitate towards the work you wanna do, and whatever you do will be beneficial to society. Period.

So, that's kind of where my mindset has been and surrounding things. That's kind of the foundation of my intentions and where I am working from. And it doesn't really explain my GoFundMe or what work I would actually do, yeah?

I promise at the end of this, everything will make sense and I think you would have a good understanding of my intentions and what kind of work you can expect from me. But I am going as in-depth as I possibly can, so grab a snack because I think we're only halfway through this!

So, I always struggled to figure out what work I wanted to do, not only because of surviving the dv I was going through at the time and my mother's death, but also because of how much I wanted to do. I like technology and I'm a little stem nerd. I could've been in microbiology, computer engineering, robotics, zoologist, marine biologist, wildlife rehabilitator, environmental conservation/restoration/preservation, and SO MUCH more. And the only reason I didn't was because I never chose anything. I was depressed, I was blaming myself for every single traumatic event I had went through, and I was trying to kill myself for it. I didn't take care of myself and I spent a lot of time avoiding feeling things.

I tried therapy, medication, everything for years. My depression stems from my mind. It stems from the fact that I am aware of everything going on and it simultaneously breaks my heart and makes me angry. I feel powerless and hopeless as well as feeling like I desperately want to do something about it. and therapy never truly acknowledges that, the medication makes it so my body cannot feel the depression but I can still think about it. And therapy is basically, "let's learn how to ignore things". And I am not comfortable in a state of cognitive dissonance. I am in the worst state mentally when I know what I'm "supposed" to be feeling but I'm taking these drugs that makes it physically impossible to feel it. It makes me shut down completely. Or they made me so drowsy that I could barely stay awake.

My mental health journey is something that spanned throughout my life, and I trusted the authority figures in there for a lot longer than they deserved. The worst thing doctors have done to me is release me when they knew my pharmacy was closed, 3 days after a C-section. I had to survive day and night with nothing but Tylenol after a major abdominal surgery. It was absolute torture and I could not sleep. I was crying and begging my husband to go to the doctor as soon as the pharmacy opened. And it was not the first time they withheld medication from me, post C-section. I had 3 against my will. The only reason I got the second and third was because of the one before, despite doctors saying, "you're the perfect candidate!" They just didn't want to deal with me and I never had autonomy.

So it was easier to just give up and comply. Especially as raising young children is extremely exhausting. From the moment I had my first child it was me and my partner. People took my boundaries as "pushing them away" and i was seen as the problem for being upset that they didn't respect me.

"don't post my children or about them on your Facebook"

"don't kiss my children"

"let me get used to being a parent for at least two weeks before expecting anything from me"

But it was "too much". I was a "controlling partner who didn't let my husband hang out with his family" because I needed his support post partum and didn't want him gone for 2 hours +. I was still controlling, unreasonable, and mentally ill to my biological family because I didn't want to "play family". They expect you to stay around people despite how violent they are to you. Family parties are for everyone, even the pedophile great uncle who everyone ignores has touched almost every girl/woman in the family. You're the problem for not wanting to be around them, not the fact that they have molested you or someone else.

Or I'm supposed to be around a family that physically assaulted me for "talking back" or whatever they decided was deserving of abuse. I am the problem for not wanting to be around people who are physically capable of hurting me. And I have to just accept their presence, as opposed to the family I actually want to be around respecting me enough to spend time with just me and not all of us. But I eventually had to learn (the hard way) that even the family I thought loved me, has always carried a level of hate in their hearts for me. That they don't care about me. And that's important to acknowledge. They loved how putting me down made them feel, they loved the level of control they had over me. And that's why I was always the problem when I spoke up or tried to leave.

So it was a hard, lonely lesson to learn. Constantly being rejected and harmed by people and believing their words over their actions. Believing their justifications and what they said was possible for me. Despite the reality that existed around us. For far too long I punished myself. Called myself too much, too emotional, too paranoid. But I was always a scared child trying to navigate the environment I was born into.

And eventually, I survived, I'm here. I am relatively safe now (still being stalked and threatened) and I have the opportunity to change the trajectory of my life. What is it that I truly want to do? I genuinely have given this thought so much effort and intention.

At first I wanted to create an intentional community, but now I believe that intentional communities start from within. You can live intentionally from wherever you are. And I truly don't think I would be comfortable isolated in the middle of nowhere, I really don't. It was also a thought that stemmed from fear and desperation (for me personally). I wanted to hide away and I was scared of being hurt. But I don't want to hide anymore.

So, I decided that I will live intentionally and do what I can from where I am. And I'm poor 🤣 so when you're poor and disabled, your options are basically roll over, die, and make room for someone who can actually do the work. But I know I deserve better. So now, my explanation of the work I wanna do acknowledges that in this world I need money to do it. But I'm going to think of it as if I don't need money, or if I have all the money I would need to make it possible.

Also quick question: if two racists can raise over 100k, why couldn't I get people to help me too?

And, in order to help anyone I need to be able to help myself, and our biggest need is housing. And I will explain why.

Another major foundation for my work is environmental care. I need to be able to move to a community that is more environmentally focused, or at least where I have a bit more control over the yard and space. I also want something that is long-term. I'm not a person that likes to travel, I don't like jumping from house to house.

My first apartment I lived in for 6 years, we never had a problem and we definitely would have stayed longer. Know why we didn't? They called my children animals for having toys on their floor! And said those toys were the reason as to why the windows were getting water in, and that's how the black mold in there grew. Yep, they tried to convince us our children's toys on the floor in the living room was the reason why mold was growing inside the walls of our bedrooms 😬. And ever since then we've had trouble with renting. The second landlord we moved to had a property management that was extremely pro trump. They had several different tenants stalking us. I have a video recording where a guy was screaming and threatening us admitting that he's been watching us the entire time.

"I never see you at the playground with your kids"

"yeah, because you fucking weirdos are WATCHING US"

They weren't subtle about it either. Me and my kids would be out trying to take a walk and as if I was in a fucking horror movie, everyone's eyes were seemingly on us. One night someone even tried HITTING ME WITH THEIR CAR.

So we need safety, we need peace, we need rest. We need some type of stability that's not going to come with constant strings attached. And we absolutely need help in achieving that.

But once we've gained that stability? Everything will fall into place. We would have stability, and the opportunity to actually have somewhere to put all of our things. We would feel comfortable with actually keeping items without having to worry about where it's gonna fit or losing it.

There's a lot more I can do with my art when I have access full time to a printer, laminator, and a physical address. When I am able to actually have a mailing address and some type of security. But really, truly? The land.

I want to garden, not only food for my family but the community. I want to build up to a point where I am a place to go to for food. I want to teach others how to garden (if that's something they want to do), or build things, or even if they wanted to come learn about our natural ecosystem. I am deeply connected to NY and it's native life, but no matter where I go I will learn everything I possibly can about the ecosystem around me.

But I honestly think the first thing I would do is figure out what native plants in the area are endangered and do as much as I can to grow them. And then I will offer free seeds or young plants for a low cost.

For the animal sanctuary, I don't think I will do better than rescues/shelters or anything like that. I just want to be an extra support space to them. They are overcrowded, they are struggling themselves. And I want to be a person that supports them through these tough times, not another cog working alongside them and struggling just as much. I would foster cats mostly, but also leave the possibility for 1-2 dogs at a time. I have experience with dog training professionally so I'm confident in my abilities to rehabilitate dogs, I just honestly don't like dog people. And I would also like the space for small animals and (small) reptiles, as I feel like through and through, those animals struggle with finding fosters/homes. I honestly just want to be a space for support, for whatever animals need my care at the time. It would be dependent on our location and needs. I would also offer resources and knowledge on care. My main goal would be pet retention. I want people to be able to keep the pets that they love. And I want to support not only the animals but their possible owners as well.

I'm confident in this work and my abilities to make it happen. The food I grow would eventually, at least contribute, to pet food alternatives. Something that is not only healthy but affordable. (Mostly for herbivore species as I personally will not be raising anything for meat. It is more likely that I would provide affordable feed to local farmers).

So, I'm not asking you to do anything but to uplift me. Give me the care and love that my family has never provided to me. To provide the support you will to any other nonprofit or corporation that repeats these same ideals. Not because it's charity, but because you believe in the message that is being said. Because you want to see a world that is filled with care, compassion, and understanding. Because you believe that suffering is not an indicator of how much someone deserves access to life.

I just need people to notice enough to listen, and hopefully understand. That I don't want power, I don't want control. I'm not trying to be the next authority or world leader. I just want to survive and I want you to survive with me. And I think that should be more than enough reason to support me.

Don't you?

I wanted to share that I’ve made a GoFundMe.

My family and I are working toward securing safe, stable housing as we stabilize after leaving a difficult and unsafe situation. Having stability right now would make an enormous difference, not just for safety, but for our ability to rest, heal, and move forward.

My longer-term goal is to build a small, community-centered project rooted in care: environmental restoration, ethical landscaping, animal welfare education, and mutual support. These are things I’ve talked about here and for a long time, and I genuinely want to give back once we’re on stable ground.

If you’re able and would like to help, whether by donating or sharing, I would be deeply grateful. If not, please know there’s no pressure at all. Thank you for being here, for reading, and for holding space with me as I navigate this.

I hope you’re having a good day 🌱

But my assumptions begin with the idea that my work would be consumed instead of appreciated. The idea that I'll put my work out there and suddenly it becomes a version of itself I never expected. Sometimes I think back to other creators, and wonder if their work went where they wanted it to go... And I find it doesn't? Not always of course, but lots of things that have inspired me have been things people made impulsively, with little thought of what comes after. The stories, games, creations that have become popular enough to inspire me, came from a gut instinct response to just "make something". And I find it beautiful and terrifying.

My process takes too much overthinking, I want to get every detail and aspect figured out before jumping in. I want to know all about the characters I'm creating, to a point I get too attached to them. And whenever I get attached to a character I feel as if I need to throw them in the bin and start the story over completely. But I've been doing that for years.

And how many stories am I going to scrap and redesign? How many times will I give up before I actually make an attempt to finish? And it seems like the more I try, the more the world fights back.

I finally get an idea for stories/comics/characters that I Actually wanted to draw, and my computer stops working? Making it so I have to look at other drawing media that just makes me sad and depressed? It makes me beg the question, "what lesson is in this? What am I supposed to learn here?" Because to me, it just looks like a sick joke.

But that's just me complaining because I also have a lot to be grateful for. Despite being stalked digitally and physically, I am safe. Despite my family and New York's conservative/zionist crowd trying to scare and threaten me into giving up, I never will! I had to take a break from tik tok because I kept getting death threats, and I don't want to deal with that :) so I'm not even LOOKING at that for a while. But I AM SAFE!!!!

I don't want to give too much information because of the obvious information above, but we have help that will keep us with somewhere to live at the bare minimum. We've been reaching out to nonprofits and things similar but a lot of stuff has long waiting lists or are no longer in service. I found some really cool housing first non profits even though they aren't really in my county.

If you can help, please do 😭 donations are your biggest contributions because I can actually survive on that. But engagement, shares, likes, following your passions/motivations, being brave enough to tell someone "no" and stand in it, speaking up at injustice, being your most authentic self, and so, so much more! There are so many ways you personally can help me, so please, if you can, help! Even reading this mess to the end is enough!

But one thing is, if you want help from a nonprofit you need a referral, usually, from a different nonprofit or one of those overworked places that literally have no time. And/Or you need to actually live in their county. As well as communication skills across the board for everywhere are subpar. Everyone is disconnected even when they work in the same building and it's a bit weird. Everywhere seems to have this break in communication so I think it's REALLY important for everyone to start talking to one another.

So I didn't know what to expect with this, but I just vented honestly 😭. Thanks for coming to my ted talk, and I hope you have a good day today.

I'm gonna go hide now