#eatr

me at the weird relationship to sexuality and gender contest racking up points

hm im a little bit scared of the things i can’t comprehend has anyone ever felt this way before

saw an automatic response email in my inbox that clearly had an algorithm to start the message as dear _, as one does in a very run of the mill e-mail. however for some reason my name didn’t fill in and the email simply read ‘dear,’ and it felt so intimate

i think unfortunately fortunately whatever the case may be that something about romantic/physical connection just knocks my brain back on the rails. the lovers the dreamers and me or whatever kermit said

ouch stab stab stab in my heart this is the closest i will ever be with these people! the peak of our connection is occurring. there will be so many other connections that grow and soak up the blood of the end of a period of time! and they will be so beautiful and i have not even begun to conceptualise them. but it does make me want to bite down and not let go. makes me jealoussss makes me jealous that other people will love them longer and see them every day as a neighbor getting the mail just by chance! as was my happenstance when we met. and to think just the other day i felt so guilty because i was thinking about this from the other perspective in that i’m friends with this group purely because we live in the same place at the same time, and that there are so many other places with people that would have become my close friends had i lived there. and i had the thought, of course, my stupid optimization brain, that somewhere on the earth is the situation where i would have the best possible compatibility with the people there. and that it is mildly likely that that place is not my current place. and i felt so guilty i felt like i had just ranked my friends as lesser than in some sort of dehumanized selling them on ebay type of way. it didn’t even occur to me until now that human connection is something that can’t be ranked. and that it could all be equally valuable. that’s kind of groundbreaking i sort of knee jerk rank everything (autism) and on a base level i know that there are some things you can’t give numbers but if they don’t have a system then i’m lost and i don’t know how to participate at all! i think i’m sort of. and this is the way i think of it. i’m accepting my “social blindness” so to speak. the numbers are a crutch and a vice and it is better to be blind. everyone else is seeing their relationships but i will have to make do with the other senses. i will and i have begun to and i hope to continue the letting go. and the just feeling