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Showing off stuff I found off stream too!!

Nobody really cares at this home, no one wakes me up from my long sleep anymore. But, I guess that’s okay. I still feel how weird everything is. I don’t really understand how my life turned this way. What am I supposed to do? What should I do? I have to go this morning again, but I kind of don’t want to, but I have to. I want to wake up, my gaze was so blurry and it kinda irritate me. I want to see clearly, let me know. I want to know the dreams that I planted when I was younger, I want to know deeply, but my thoughts become like them and I don’t like it. It’s been a long time that I turned into a realist and forgetting who I really was. So, I want to know, please let me know. I want to be in my room, and feel deeply, and recognizing everything once again. 

Please stop letting others control you, wake up and stand up, take over your life. Please, don’t wait and take action now. Please be in tune with yourself again, take what yours again. Wake up, look up, we have to live.

Let me remind you to focus on yourself, because we have to grow. I slept at 3 a.m and I don’t know why. There’s a few tiny bit awful thoughts and anger, but my mind goes “Nah” and yea I continue live my life. I’m not grumpy, and I found it very surprising, although I had a slight headache. 

I want to repeat about how we’ve been through a lot. 

There’s no plan that could fix your broken heart I guess, we can heal but if we forced it then what’s the point? Of course, I know what’s right and wrong, but above it all- is it really a good choice? I’m not sure, but even if it’s wrong then I guess we’ll learn something. If I could put it in a sentence, I’m feeling more like “Okay, let’s do this” with a bit of excitement tone in it.

Still, I hope I do the right thing.

Loud, the chaos has woke up, our heart beating fast, hand and feet chained to the wall of their sin. I simply hate being in this 4 by 4 room.

If you ever think that you bound to the place that you’re in with the people that you’re with, then I guess you’re wrong. You’re free, don’t make yourself feel trapped. It wasn’t you who put those illusion, but you can set yourself free from it. Do something to keep yourself sane. 

Serious talk here, I want to do a lot of things. Last night, I was kinda tired and ended up slacking off until I fell asleep. I was feeling tired still when I wake up, but it’s okay now. We have things that we have to do.

Hey, do you know? I was completely alone. I think some people just really leave. And I write this in my book yesterday:

To the friend that want to leave, just leave. It’s your own life and it isn’t mine. You barely there for me and I can’t find a reason to be the support of your life. It’s sad to know that you easily giving up on life, there’s so much in life more than what you’re dealing with. Okay then, if you’re ‘sad’ but rather than leaving, why don’t you try to understand your feeling instead? Why are you so cruel to yourself? Just because other treat you poorly that doesn’t mean you have to treat yourself poorly too. 

This world doesn’t revolve around other people problems, so why some people just stressing themselves out about it? I mean it, we don’t have control over others and you know we shouldn’t. Even if it’s your family. We just simply have different life, and if they choose different path than me then so be it. I can’t change that. 

I’m sleepy, I feel tired. I want to be drowned in music and my own feeling. Okay, here I am, hello.

Let’s do this right. I’m thinking and writing at the same time while listening to my favorite music. Oh, hi, I didn’t see you there~ Hello, my dear happiness. (I’m sleepy).

It feels weird to be okay and ‘happy’ but I do feel okay. Remember that one day when father told us how he thought that we will be so arrogant and careless? I still don’t understand why he’d think of me like that. But, come to think of it, I am like that. But! only to people that I don’t know or I’m not close with. I just never had a chance to be ‘kind’ also, they didn’t teach how to be kind either. Once I simply stood still, they don’t correct me either. It feels weird, when I’m wrong and I’m not corrected. But, when I do something on my own, they tend to call me out. Somehow, I think that being this cruel is what they want out of me. That’s why I want to change. I want to be myself, and not like what they want. Deep down, I think they’re so... mean (?) I don’t know what’s the right word. Maybe I shouldn’t write this. 

29th July 2019

my mind wander off to the day that we met, but ah, let’s scratch that because I’m upset right now. I was about to write something as I remind myself (maybe I should remind you too): Write for you. Last night, I was petting my pet. They’re so calm around me. I try to make them relax as I feel myself relaxing. But then, there’s a ‘bam’ sound from my door. My pet tenses up, and I feel worries run down my vein too. My brain just blocked me, I don’t know how to tell you about what happen next. 

You know I shouldn’t think much when I write this. But, I was looking around yesterday and I regret. My mind was fill with regret. But there’s a sense of relieved this morning. Something in my mind goes like, “Ah, finally” although I’m not really sure what it is.

We’ve grown up so far, and I’ll consider it as on our own, although not that much. But, yesterday, I remember whispering to myself, “I’m tired of being ignored.” Now, when I think about it again, I shouldn’t ignore myself, I shouldn’t ignore you. I’m not really sure why I want to reach out to others. But, I feel bad every time I do so. I get so stressed out thinking about it. I still feel like, there’s no one that we could believed in. 

Will we ever get up from this dream that we called life? Why does happiness always felt surreal? Like I don’t deserves to be happy too, and that’s why I called it a dream. It shouldn’t be real.

For how long I should write? but let me do this slowly. Because, I can start to feel myself panicking. No one knows what I’m doing, they don’t know what I’ve been up to. I don’t tell, and no one asked. I don’t know, it just comes in my nature to mind my own business. I was hard to understand since I was a kid. It’s okay, I’m used to it. Although I shouldn’t, right? But, here’s what happen:

People, they often laugh at me, they often mock me, because I just simply be me, because I do things that I do in the way that’s so ‘me’.

Maybe everyone is freaking out, or maybe they’re simply insecure when there’s people who’s far too different from them. Isn’t that how people look like? Always filled with jealousy of other’s life. Mocking. Mocking. Mocking. But, I don’t want to fill my notes with such a horrible thoughts. Let me put this notes to an end with some words for you:

You’ve been through a lot, aren’t you? Well, I’m proud of you, that you’re not giving up on life, that you always get back up despite everything that’s happening around you. Be happy if you want to be happy, and be sad if you want to be sad. 

Just do as your heart pleases, it’s okay to be okay - that’s okay (D.O)