#dynamiteduo

This makes lucky number three: three times I have sat down to write about some of the shit that has happened to me lately and I get a head of steam and then realize that I have droned on and on about stuff that even I don't really care about. Typically, if it is something that I care about I at least feel better having written it down thinking that MAYBE it will strike the same nerve in someone else, but fuck. Lately I have been inundated with so much of the dumb that people have to offer that it has enhanced the truly amazing things I have been privy to. Seeing a kid pogo-sticking five feet from busy Hamilton road traffic in front of his parents... dumb. Watching a documentary on Kevin Clash and his journey towards creating one of the most prolific icons of modern society (Elmo)- it is fair to say that I have been to the mountain top and witnessed glory and I have been cursed to walk among the dumb, next to a tombstone that reads, "Here lies Billy, he really loved that pogo-stick, who would have thought bouncing into oncoming traffic was even possible?" I've been slamming home the dumb as of late and with all of that talk I have callused myself to some truly smart things in the world today. It's easy and fun to dismiss things as dumb so I plan on doing that, forever, but just know that I do run into things that aren't dumb everyday, I just know they aren't nearly as amusing as the moronic and insane.

I met a nice guy on the internet. Now I know what you are thinking and fuck you. Granted if one of my good friends walked in and hit me with something like that I would instantly begin the shit talking- "A guy? Really? On the internet? Gaaaaaaaaay..." But the circumstances are different. Not that I am proud of the reality in which this interaction occurred, but G-rated it was and shall remain. Home from work, I decided to play video games. After one game of Call of Duty I went 7-26, a dismal embarrassing performance, however it was shadowed by another shit score, 9-39. HacksawHarry had done exceptionally worse than I and I couldn't stop laughing about it. I sent Hacksaw a message and it read, "hahaha, we were awful that game! haha." Now, when you say something like that to someone you don't know, there are two possible reactions: first, they either get all butt hurt about it and cuss back at you or ignore you completely, or second, they laugh with you and share in the hilarity that was the game. Ninety-nine percent of the time it is the former: people more often than not get defensive. But not Hacksaw. He sent me a voice message that contained this: "Yeah man, we were pretty bad, haha. Oh well, glad its just a game. Hey, I like your Labrador [referring to the picture I use on x-box that is a default image AKA not my fucking dog] I had a chocolate lab a while back, she died though. I loved that dog, she was my best friend. Well, talk to you later." I can't place his accent or his race, but the guy was probably in his late 40's and had a Morgan Freeman-style genuine sound to his voice. Just some old dude, probably stoned, playing video games. It wasn't a "fuck you dude" or anything vulgar as I expected, just an old dude being nice. Isn't it funny how in your head right now you are thinking, "What the fuck Eric, this dude is probably a sexual deviant hoping you are a teenage boy" or something like that, when realistically there is only like an 80% chance that is true. He might just be a nice dude. I'll never know because I didn't respond - fuck that, I never want to introduce one of my friends to the group... "no, we didn't party in college and no we didn't go to high school together, I met this dude on-line." I did tell a few people about it though, and it was an instant laugh: I met the nicest guy today, on-line....

Call me on it and I will gladly deny it to the bitter end, but I like video games. I'm not one of those types that has to play every new game and tell all my friends what I think, but I enjoy a few games enough to compensate for that. This isn't where I wanted to go with this story, but I needed to find a way to incorporate a gamer tag I saw playing Call of Duty the other day: WHY U MAD NERD. It was great, he would kill people and talk shit. Relentlessly. Anyone that knows me will quickly mumble how I am the exact same way and you can all fuck off. I'm certainly a dick, but in the friendliest way possible. So I was playing this game and this guy kept talking mad shit until finally he started to lose. Those of you video game abstainers out there might not understand the verbiage I instinctively wanted to use here so Ill dumb (even more dumb... more dumber?) Dude died like 15 times in a row, finishing a humiliating 6-27. HE STILL TALKED SHIT. I have to admire this kid I guess, I know people like that in my life, I know them all too well. But this situation and the Olympic spirit that is so overwhelming right now got me thinking. All of these athletes are extreme competitors, what if they all acted like the children playing hours of video games a day? What if the WHY U MAD NERD's were swimmers or volleyball players? To some degree they all are, they have to be. But that isn't what the Olympics is about so they quell that urge to punch the gold medalist in the kidneys and grab the gold as it drops to the floor. I watch the 66kilo Grecko-Roman wrestling match the other day-which blew my mind-but it was a German against and American. I wonder what was rattling around in their heads during that match... Obviously bad blood is in the past, but wouldn't there be an innate sense of "Fuck this guy..." brewing inside these two? The German dominated the match and the American walked off the mats frustrated, defeated, and I have to say a touch classlessly. The judge was parading them around the mats, throwing up the Germans hand and after the third hand raise the American walked off the mat, cameras cutting off as the judge chased him.

Zach, the worthless bastard that is on his way to London right now, brought up a hilarious scenario... What if, after losing a gold medal match, an athlete just went primal with it, screaming and shouting at first, then bringing it in close to finish...

HEY, FUCK YOU MAN! THAT WAS BULLSHIT AND I DEMAND ANOTHER GO. FUCK!!!!!!!

I hope my country starts a war with your country. I will enlist, deploy, and find you in your house.

Obviously whispering that in someone's ear would surely result in serious allegations and likely criminal prosecution for verbal assault, but tell me that gold medalist wouldn't keep an eye on the news for the rest of his life...

But that is not what the Olympics are about. Set aside those fucking cheaters in Badminton who disgraced their home countries in an attempt to ease their road to gold. Thats like a heavyweight  fighting midgets, pummeling then to rack up wins to go for the belt. Fuck that. If this were the 80's those athletes would have had to claim sanctuary, fearing worse upon arriving home. 

Spun into a tangent there, but I suppose I needed to get that in there for the title to make sense...

Having been following Snoop Dog on twitter [which I think is everyones first friend on twitter] I am familiar with his traditions. One said tradition is "puffpuffpasstuesdays" or something along those lines. Meanwhile [having also followed comedian Bill Burr because he is fucking hilarious] I am familiar with his most famous tradition: the Monday Morning Podcast. And now, using circus acts as a gauge for what's happening here, I will begin spinning my third plate on a stick... I am constantly on a mission to be re-tweeted or mentioned or SOMETHING so I spend a lot of time tweeting people, trying to make this shit happen for me. So that Tuesday, I tweeted Snoop Dog and said, "hahaha, get fucked up on tuesdays with snoop and listen to bill burr, shit is hilarious!" I'll let that rattle around in your brains for a second...

So, this is where I sit. The odds of either of those guys reading my tweet are 99 to 1. The odds of Snoop actually checking out Bill Burr are 999 to 1. The odds of Snoop enjoying the comedian Bill Burr are 9999 to 1. You get where I'm going with this. The odds are stacked: I am destined to remain an anonymous, annoying twitter fan that clogs real peoples genius. But, what if the planets aligned, hell froze over, pigs flew, all of those shits, what if Snoop went to Bill Burrs pod cast loved it, they got together and made a movie and asked me to star in it with them because I introduced them and thought I was cool as shit.

I'm a glass-half-full kinda guy, but I think this one would require more half-full glasses than there are in the world...