#dyau

the actual day of kiha’s birth is when the official celebrations take place--those that he is obligated to attend and those that are thrown within the palace confines. the day before, or the night before rather, kiha is free to do as he wishes--as he always does--and he has long since withheld a tradition for as far back as his memory goes, ever since his father, the king’s consort, brought him out into the town, hidden beneath his cloak, for the evening before his sixth birthday. kiha remembers as far back as when he was four then five, how his father would take kiyoung out of the gates while kiha remained back in the palace with their other father, the king.

kiha later on understood it as simply a way for he and his brother to be able to enjoy just one day as if they were simple subjects of the kingdom rather than its future rulers. as they grew older, they would be let out without their father, often going together on each other’s respective birthdays, but in the more recent birthdays, kiyoung would go out alone with his friends, and kiha with his.

this year is naturally no different. perhaps kiyoung thought himself too old to do it any longer, and perhaps kiyoung is held down by other circumstances now that he is in another kingdom. kiha personally doesn’t see any particular reason why he can’t still keep this tradition simply because of his own changed status. especially considering recent events, kiha feels that if he doesn’t let himself out tonight, he might honestly wreak the sort of damage that his parents could possibly drown him in the ocean for.

he sees neither hair nor hide of minhyun all morning and afternoon, only glimpsing him briefly in the evening entering his chambers and closing the door tightly behind himself--a sight that would previously have had his heart clenching in his chest but now it just makes him angrier than he already is, disappointment and frustration blooming. after the omega had run out yesterday, he hadn’t approached kiha to apologize, hadn’t even attempted to seek kiha out in anyway even when kiha had told himself if minhyun had, kiha would have given him the benefit of the doubt and at least listened to some variation of an excuse that minhyun was simply angry himself and had let slip something he didn’t mean.

none of this happened, and kiha was left yesterday to fall asleep with his anger hardening into icy fury.

he isn’t so self-centered that he would think only minhyun has changed from the boy kiha used to see every other summer--the boy who used to take kiha’s small hand and walk with him barefooted along the shore, and picked him up with his thin, frail arms when kiha became too sleepy to walk and wanted to be carried the rest of the way back to the palace. kiha knows that he himself has changed as well, everyone changes, but maybe kiha had been too optimistic previously about perhaps what hadn’t yet changed in either of them.

or perhaps, he simply had been too young back then for minhyun to show his true self and his true thoughts to. perhaps even now, minhyun simply can’t be bothered to discuss what upsets him with someone a good amount of years younger than him--someone who he has always considered a little boy, someone who he maybe can’t stop viewing as anything but.

these are all the possibilities that run through kiha’s mind as he dresses himself in the set of clothes he always reserves for when he wishes to venture out from the palace confines unnoticed, and they are all possibilities he pushes aside because tonight he plans to drink and forget and celebrate himself, and--also--regardless of what demons minhyun has to fight, it will never excuse his words yesterday and his lack of immediate apology.

even though kiha covers his face with a cloth and pulls over his head a cloak large enough to cast shadow over his visage even when he is in a well-lit tavern, there will always be a few townspeople here and there who recognize him, and if not him, then one of his friends. he loves his subjects for their quiet and pleasant nature, and they are as content to leave him be as he is to give the ones who recognize him a grasp of the hand and a smile filled with gratitude when they wish him for the coming day.

he walks through the town and the variety of celebrations being held in his honor, one friend under each arm, and then he allows himself to consume any and every drink either of his friends put into his hand at the grandest pub in the town--nearest to the town square. the entire premises is filled with drunk townspeople of either sex, of several ages, all singing to kiha’s name and the longevity of his health and happiness as well as possible children soon to come.

his friends begin to slow the bartender’s passes when it becomes clear kiha could literally fall off the barstool without anyone even touching him. at the stroke of midnight, when the cheers and chants and songs reach their climax as it is now officially the day kiha was born, his friends tug the last glass out of his hand and pack him up on their shoulders the way good comrades do.

fortunately, kiha has never been the sort of drunk to utterly lose memory of his periods of intoxication nor is he reduced to a barely functioning person whether in speech, actions, or mobility. his tongue is, however, certainly looser than when he is sober as is his behavior.

“i pity your husband tonight, your highness,” one of his friends says teasingly when they arrive at the gates.

kiha snorts, “no need. he has most likely already locked himself within his own chambers, expecting that i return in a state.”

they laugh at that, clapping his back as they reach the front double doors. when the guards unlock and open the doors for kiha, his friends salute him lightly, informally, before heading off to their own respective manors out closer to the town but still within the gates. they leave him with birthday wishes and promises of seeing him in the morning, hopefully, without any lasting effects of tonight’s revelry.

the rest of the palace is dark with only the necessary candles still lit in order for the servants who are on the night shifts to be able to make their way throughout the building. kiha smiles at the few birthday wishes softly murmured to him by the maids and manservants on the first shift as they go about cleaning and beginning the arrangement of tables and chairs for tomorrow’s events.

he expects the doors of his chambers to still be closed as he’d left them, but with the soft glow of the smaller candles reserved for nighttime shining beneath the door as a maid usually leaves him with a tray of hot tea and cold water when he is out late. thus, kiha is rather surprised when he finds the door of his room open, and when he steps through the doorway, closing it behind himself as he goes, he feels his eyebrows rise at the sight of minhyun in white sleep robes, standing over kiha’s desk.

“what are you doing?” kiha asks, and minhyun whirls around, clearly not expecting the alpha to have returned yet.

at that question, minhyun begins shifting from side to side, as if to hide something he has done to whatever had been on kiha’s desk or to hide the fact that he has perhaps taken something from it. kiha’s eyes narrow. he can’t be certain, but he is very nearly wholly sure that all he had left on his desk before leaving for the night were the stacks of documents he had to oversee and review before the end of the week--they would be backlogged until after his birthday events were complete, but it was unavoidable as always.

“it wasn’t enough that you degraded both of my fathers before me, you need to sneak around my room like a thief as well? are you looking for proof to pin me as a prince unfit for my duties so that you might also degrade me and lay out my flaws and sins?” kiha laughs, low and cold.

minhyun’s expression is frozen and there is a mixture of hurt and fear in his eyes with something else underlying those emotions that kiha cannot quite name, but in this moment, he couldn’t care less. kiha easily backs minhyun away from the desk, stepping forward slowly with conviction and kiha knows that the scent of alpha wafting off of him in thick waves is what is making minhyun unhesitatingly walk backwards away from kiha, visibly beginning to shake.

when the backs of minhyun’s knees hit the edge of the bed, kiha presses him down without waiting, dragging him up with a fist curled into minhyun’s robes so that the omega’s feet are off the floor entirely. kiha can feel the omega’s warm body trembling violently against his own as kiha prepares to force a leg between minhyun’s thighs when minhyun suddenly parts his legs without any resistance even though it is written all over minhyun’s face and eyes how much he doesn’t want this.

the only time minhyun ever allows kiha near him in this manner, after all, is when the older prince is in heat.

kiha has never even kissed minhyun.

“you would hate to have spoken empty words, wouldn’t you?” kiha murmurs, hands holding himself up over the omega. he was also prepared to have to hold down minhyun’s wrists, but for some reason the other prince isn’t struggling. as afraid as he clearly is, as unwilling, minhyun is simply lying there, pliant, with his fingers digging into the blankets as he looks anywhere but kiha’s eyes. “i should fulfill your little prophecy so that you aren’t made a fool of after having shouted at me so boldly about how i take after my father.”

minhyun’s gaze flickers then, in alarm, briefly, to kiha’s face and in that split moment that their eyes meet before minhyun looks away again, kiha realizes what was underlying the fear and pain earlier when kiha first entered the room.

the emotion isn’t any one word, it can’t be described in that manner such as sorrow or joy or amusement. it was a sentiment rather than a pure emotion.

i deserve this

kiha hardly thought that whatever act he was pulling right out out of the anger he still held, enhanced by just how intoxicated he was, was anywhere near convincing. he thought surely minhyun would easily feel and notice that kiha was far from erect and, therefore, it was the most pathetic of bluffs. even in his drunken state, he envisioned that this scenario would have minhyun shoving him off, and kiha would have rolled off quite easily, and then stomping out of kiha’s room, leaving kiha to regret his actions before falling asleep--with a headache--and most likely regretting them when he wakes up as well--with a headache.

he hadn’t quite expected this.

kiha knows he’s being cruel, but the room is beginning to spin and his anger hasn’t quite dissipated even though he knows it will soon begin to fade at an exponential rate--if it hasn’t begun already. before that commences, however, out of almost something like curiosity, he yanks at the ties holding minhyun’s robes together, letting them fall away to reveal the pale skin stretched over defined rib bones, and wondering if at that point the omega would surely protest, but minhyun continues to lie in place. the only noticeable reaction is the further twist in minhyun’s expression: resignation, and further seeming belief that this is what should happen to him.

the alpha sighs and rolls off limply, tossing an arm over his eyes because suddenly even the soft candlelight seems too bright. he groans. “everything is spinning. hell.”

he hears minhyun’s harsh breathing continue for a moment beside him, and then, of course, the unmistakable and inevitable sounds of minhyun sitting up and standing up. gathering his robes back together. kiha waits for the sound of minhyun making his way towards the door, debating whether he should just blurt out an apology before the other prince walks out tonight or whether he should wait until tomorrow and formulate a more coherent one.

kiha waits for what seems like far too long in utter silence--he nearly falls asleep, although even in the darkness behind his eyelids, the bed beneath him even feels as if it’s moving. he finally takes the arm off of his eyes, confused, just in time to see minhyun setting a tray carrying a large, silver teapot on it and a china cup. kiha glances around and supposes that that had been on kiha’s desk earlier, hidden by minhyun standing in front of it.

minhyun still doesn’t look at kiha as he pours dark, steaming tea into the cup, placing it on its saucer and holding it out to kiha with his own head bowed, hair covering his face because of that. as kiha sits up, though, he can see the expression on minhyun’s face--still tight and hurt and afraid and resigned with the same sentiment that kiha doesn’t understand.

“thank you,” kiha says cautiously, swirling in even more confusion than before. he sips at the tea gingerly, waiting to see if now minhyun would leave and kiha could blurt out a cursory apology before presenting a better, more rehearsed final draft tomorrow. the omega stands silent and still before kiha, the edge of his ties gathered in his thin fingers, wringing them around and around.

the alpha is nearly finished with the tea, putting it down even though there is still some left because he doesn’t feel as if he can drink anymore, when minhyun says desperately, “i didn’t come to your chambers to search or sneak.” his eyes meet kiha’s now, head on, and the desperation to be believed is there too, and kiha’s chest feels like it once again is caving in upon itself at the sight. “i came to--to apologize--and--i didn’t know where you’d gone so i went to the kitchens to ask and they’d said that the night before your birthday, you enjoy the town with your friends, and that you would return with need for something hot for your stomach before you sleep--and--and i also--”

minhyun swallows, then, eyes darting to kiha’s desk and then back to kiha’s face. “i thought you would be terribly occupied tomorrow so i’d wished to deliver your gift tonight.” the omega’s hands are fisted so tightly around the ties that his knuckles are stark white. “perhaps i also foolishly thought it would soften your anger so you would--would accept my apology,” and with that minhyun’s voice fades, trembling.

kiha is far, far, far too intoxicated for this--any of it. his tongue feels heavy and fat in his mouth, and his thoughts even more muddled and indistinguishable--nowhere near ready to be expressed into words aloud. he only feels as though he was silent for a short moment, but perhaps it was longer in actuality, since minhyun seems to take the wordlessness as kiha simply waiting for the apology that minhyun has said he intended to make.

“throughout my entire life, i have heard my parents only express deep admiration and friendship for the king’s consort and how any alpha he would allow to mate him would never be a man of anything but equal character and--and it is such widespread knowledge that no other king has sacrificed so much for his subjects--” minhyun’s eyes have gone past desperation. the omega is more or less begging in his gaze to be believed, as if kiha couldn’t have already heard the sincerity in his voice to the point where kiha wants to tell minhyun to simply stop talking because kiha’s heart hurts that much.

“i spoke out of anger, and i allowed the gossip and rumors of the lowest servants to cloud my thoughts in that moment,” minhyun says, taking a step back and letting go of his robe ties to press his hands at his sides. “there are no excuses and there is no excusing my behavior and my words, and i am not asking for forgiveness that i’ll never deserve--only that you might believe my apology as true.” kiha is startled enough that were he not so gone, head aching and spinning, he would have stood up when minhyun bows at his waist completely.

kiha only barely manages to find his words finally when the sight of minhyun bent and bowed causes his chest to ache too much to bear. “you brought me a gift?” he asks quietly.

minhyun straightens up slowly, expression hesitant and anxious and his hands return to the ties of his robes. “i left it on your desk. i could fetch it if--”

kiha shakes his head. “i want to open it tomorrow, when i am not so intoxicated i can barely speak. i should be sober to better appreciate it.” he gives a small smile that seems to make minhyun look more agitated for some reason.

“it isn’t grand,” minhyun says quickly. “it isn’t--it’s--please don’t have any grand expectations--”

kiha reaches his hands out and slowly, gently, pries minhyun’s fingers out of the twists and knots of his ties, ignoring the slight shake in them at the sudden contact. kiha holds the omega’s cold, delicate hands in his own--it always hurts him exactly how thin they are--how thin minhyun is, even though it was always a part of the other prince, a fact that kiha has simply been used to just as minhyun has brown eyes and dark hair for as long as kiha can remember--minhyun has been too thin. “i’ll absolutely love it, i am utterly and wholly certain,” he lets himself smile brighter this time, hoping, praying that minhyun will understand now that kiha isn’t angry anymore--that he’d treasure any gift minhyun gives him.

minhyun doesn’t smile back, but he does look down, eyes wide as he stares at their hands. kiha intertwines their fingers and then asks curiously, “you said you only came here to leave my gift and apologize, but when i stepped through the doorway, you were rearranging something on my desk--”

“i wasn’t sneaking or searching,” minhyun cuts in, almost in panic. a pang of guilt hits kiha--he should have apologized already by this point for saying that, accusing minhyun out of the same anger that minhyun had seemed so grieved over at himself for. “i--you--there are papers--documents that you must have reviewed for mistakes--or--or discrepancies before the end of the week, aren’t there? you’ll be occupied tomorrow--and you were occupied today as well--so--i thought--as there would be no need for me to be present at the events any more than the initial appearances, i would put myself to use and--” minhyun looks back down at their hands, desperation returned in his eyes as he shakes his head minutely. “i wasn’t sneaking or searching.”

“i know,” kiha says softly. he lets go of one of minhyun’s hands to cup the omega’s face, and he hates how minhyun looks surprised at the contact. he wonders if minhyun never minded being touched outside of his heats all along, but kiha never bothered to ask because he had always assumed that minhyun would lead because he was older and wanted to remain in the lead. “i made those accusations out of anger, nothing more, and i was wrong. those are also my duties, and you needn’t take them upon yourself just to apologize further--”

“no--i--” minhyun blinks, and then furrows his eyebrows. kiha takes his hand from the other prince’s face, but pulls him in closer between kiha’s legs with the fingers he still has looped around minhyun’s hand. “i--for your birthday. i didn’t--i didn’t want you to have a heavy mind filled with thoughts of duties you would need to return to after the celebrations.” he adds in a small voice, “birthdays are important. they should be enjoyed fully.”

even if kiha hadn’t a drop of alcohol within his body at this moment, he still would have been stunned into speechlessness. he doesn’t know what sort of blank, dumb expression must be on his face right now and he isn’t sure he wants to know. his eyes search minhyun’s face, as his free hand reaches up again and brushes back some of the hair against his cheek. the omega’s robes are askew from kiha having opened them before and the ties are hastily tied and tousled because of how minhyun had been wringing them around.

kiha carefully straightens minhyun’s robes, a small breath of surprise exhaled from the older prince when kiha begins to pull them back into better placement against minhyun’s body--smoothing the collar back up and down and wrapping it the way it had been. “i apologize,” kiha says quietly, “for this as well.”

“today is your birthday,” minhyun whispers, and kiha only notices now that minhyun is holding kiha’s hand back with both of his hands, gaze still fixed on them intently. “you can--”

“enjoying the town as a subject rather than a prince was a tradition that my father began with my brother for as far back as my memory serves,” kiha says, lightly resting a hand on minhyun’s hip, and scanning the omega’s face swiftly in passing to see any adverse reaction. when he finds none, he goes on, “we used to leave the gates with him on our birthdays, but as we grew older, we went with each other and then our friends. i had wished to ask you to accompany me this year.”

there is disbelief and incredulity in minhyun’s eyes. “i am not entertaining,” minhyun says, barely louder than the whisper he had spoken in seconds ago. “i am not amusing. i tire easily. i am certain you enjoyed tonight far more with your comrades than had i been with you alone.”

kiha hums, gently pulling minhyun even closer until minhyun’s hands almost reflexively reach out towards kiha’s shoulders, but the omega almost reels them back in with an abortive movement before kiha takes them and places them around his neck. minhyun’s hands are hesitant, but kiha waits until minhyun slowly threads his fingers together against kiha’s nape. “that,” kiha says matter-of-factly, “seems to be a hypothesis, and as such i have my own hypothesis that yours is incorrect. therefore, the only fully accurate method we have of determining who is truly correct is through trial, and so it has been concluded that next year, you must accompany me.”

minhyun looks utterly dumbfounded for as long as it takes kiha to draw breath and exhale it, and then minhyun laughs--the sound is still dumbfounded and also somewhat incredulous, but laughter is laughter and the corners of kiha’s lips lift immediately in response.

“i suppose i must,” minhyun’s voice is exasperated but amused, soft and warm--no longer on edge, not so tense anymore. “i shouldn’t reject such scientific endeavors.”

kiha beams. he would have kissed minhyun then if he was surer of himself, if he was strong enough that if minhyun didn’t kiss back, he wouldn’t be left broken and devastated. perhaps another month, another heat--perhaps with more alcohol, kiha would have the courage, or perhaps he can just wait until minhyun kisses him. “you also wouldn’t reject the endeavor to affirm--scientifically, naturally--that the pillows upon my bed are far softer than those on yours, would you?”

There's something about just going out into the wilderness.

"Too many tears not poured into the right soil"