#dxdates

I only saw my husband clean shaven when we first dated - I presume because he wanted to make a good impression and look presentable.

It's funny because I think we were like a year into dating before I saw him with actual stubble. Fortunately, he looks great with facial hair. 10/10, no notes, giving Aragorn vibes. It's fun to play with, too.

These days he has stubble most of the time which is great. And then he can shave it off and I'm like "who's this handsome smooth faced fellow? 😍 "

The novelty of when he cuts his hair or shaves or puts on a suit is distracting, in a good way. He's just minding his business and I'm here sneaking peeks at him every day because I have a crush on him. It's disgusting.

So I just don't get when people are like " I can't stand when my partner changes their appearance slightly".

A couple of weeks ago, DxDude and I made our wedding rings! Well, technically, made each other's wedding rings. It turns out there are lots of independent jewellers who will give you a class on ringmaking whilst you make your own rings. We started with a flat* band of white gold, and shaped it into a wonky ring, before straightening it out and making it actually ring shaped and the size it needed to be. After that, ensued a TON of polishing. My ring has a twist in it, which looks great with my engagment ring, and I love the almost fluid look it gives it. His ring was straightforward, and kind of felt like making the One Ring, but my man has big fingers so there was a lot more polishing to do.

Our jeweller was very helpful and enthusiastic, and I can't wait to leave a good review. We left our rings for hallmarking (and potentially engraving, but we kind of didn't want to alter them too much with that), and will hopefully pick them up tomorrow.

If anyone likes the idea of doing this, I highly recommend it. It was a relaxing afternoon, and an excellent couple "experience". Most jewellers (I really looked around) charge around the same price for the "class", and then charge for material costs depending on the amount of gold used - and it seems to be pretty similar wherever in the UK you do it. It was so fun, and I can't wait for more pictures. I had worried they might be a bit wonky- DxDude and I are both creative and good with our hands, but y'now, not actual jewellers. But they talk you through it all and by the end they look pretty good, at least to the naked eye! I've had a nasty cold this week, which has made me feel crappy all week But now I feel bummed because I was really looking forward to tomorrow. Now I only hope I can go pick them up and not feel like death. DxDude has of course offered to pick them up by himself, but I was really looking forward to the experience so I want to go unless I'm feeling really horrendous. I'm still really excited to get them back, though! Even it'll be over 6 months til I actually get to wear mine :)

I can see what you mean.

It can be hard - dates can be nerve racking, and if you've been looking forward to meeting someone it can feel intimidating because you really WANT to like them. The thing to remember is this: you won't have chemistry with the vast majority of people. And even some of the ones you like, you'll go on a couple of dates and realise that actually, you're not that attracted to them after all. That's frustrating but it's part of the process.

I think however that sometimes we just have entertaining dates with people we have no chemistry with but who make fun people to talk to. When I was online dating, most of my dates were squarely like that. And like you, I sat there during or after the date trying to work out if I should see the guy again to make sure, or just let him know that the spark wasn't there. If I wasn't so busy, I might have seen a couple of the guys more than once. But in the end I just felt that I'd eventually find someone with whom I did feel a connection. I realised that I just picked decent guys and was good at making small talk. For me, when you have chemistry with someone, you'll know. The date won't necessarily be passionate - feeling attraction doesn't mean you'll ravish each other the minute you meet. But when you get that feeling, you don't wonder if you should see the person again, you know. you want to see them again. The idea of touching them feels exciting. The idea of kissing them feels exciting. The idea of... well, you get the picture. Can you picture yourself kissing this guy? Going further? Are you excited about that possibly being on the cards at some point? Or do you feel an uneasy sense of dread?

TBH I just don't feel 'that way' about many people, so I have at times felt frustrated because the people I liked were few and far between, and usually didn't return the favour. So perhaps you're like me and just need a bigger sample number until you find people who click with you. Some people end up going on a ton of dates before they find someone they really want. Of course, some people are asexual and aromantic (and some are on the grey end of the spectrum) - but this is something you find out through experience and getting to know yourself.

I think time will tell if he's into you. You're right that respectful guys won't be pushing your boundaries - they will be reading your level of interest and touchiness to decide when to step things up physically. Society teaches girls that if a guy likes us then he'll keep pestering us, and that guys should be making all the moves (sending dick pics, being physically insistent etc) - but that's just repackaged rape culture insisting that men just can't help themselves. In reality, a guy with a healthy respect for women will move things forward gently when they get a clear impression that you're interested in going there. However, until you and he spend a bit more time together it will be difficult for you to say how much this guy likes you back. It sounds like you were both a little awkward, which is fine! It's pretty normal in fact. Most people aren't smooth, seductive or practiced at this kind of thing - nor do they need to be. My first date with my current partner didn't involve any kisses - I had a nasty cold and certainly wasn't intending to spread it! Frankly that cold lingered for weeks so it was a while before we made up for lost time! I would say that initiating a bit of physical contact, or sharing a kiss if you feel like it can definitely help clarify if you feel anything for someone.

I love museum dates - but because they are public and involve a lot of standing and walking around it can be hard to get an intimate vibe during them because you spend most of the date both looking at other stuff. So I'd also recommend for the first few dates minimum, to make sure you take a coffee or a meal with them for part of the date - sitting opposite each other and making lots of eye contact can help clarify if you feel something, too. I think I can pinpoint the time I realised I was falling for my BF back to having lunch in a museum cafe and thinking he had the most kind, handsome eyes.

(summary: some guy on AITA reddit saying his partner got hospitalised for a respiratory illness in January. 13 days later, completely in line with CDC advice, she restarted social activities that weren’t banned at the time. He later dumps his fiancee for giving everyone covid despite the fact he has no evidence of this, and there was no guidance to suggest what she did was wrong)

From a medical point of view, I want to correct any misconceptions:

guidelines change all the time. In the UK, for example, we’ve always been expected back at work 7 days after we first got covid symptoms, as long as we were fever-free in the 48 hours before going back to work, and the cough was getting better.

The CDC’s reccommendations are: 3 days with no fever and Respiratory symptoms have improved (e.g. cough, shortness of breath) and 10 days since symptoms first appeared.

this woman spent 13 days off work and 5 days in hospital. By most standards, she would have cleared the CDC’s recommendations and certainly would not have been expected to stay home later.

We aren’t sure how long people remain infectious - even my occupational health consultant admitted that the time we tell people to take off is a bit arbitrary. But people have to go back to life at some point - you can’t just make everyone take an extra fortnight or month off just in case.

This was also at a time when we didn’t know a lot about the illness, and guidelines were more lax in a lot of places. If guidelines are later found to be wrong - that’s life. We work on the best info we have at the time, but this changes. You can’t blame someone for not following today’s guidelines before they existed. That’s not how this works.

you can’t judge someone’s actions in hindsight given how much has changed in this time period. we’re talking about Jan/Feb - there were relatiively few cases in the US or UK at the time, and the risk of catching it was thought low. Hell, in my hospital we were only allowed to test people who’d been to hotspots like Wuhan, with special permission from the microbiology team. He’s looking at it through the lens of today, and allocating certainty that was not present at the time.

She had positive antibodies ages afterwards - there’s no guarantee that that particular illness in January was Covid - technically the flu was a lot more prevalent in most places at the time. Statistically, it’s more likely to have been flu. It may have been covid, but she could equally have caught it later and carried it asymptomatically.

At that time (Jan/Feb) a lot of official advice was to carry on as normal or to practice good hygeine as long as you were symptom free. If it was wrong for her to go to church, then it was wrong for the church to be open at all in the pandemic. In reality, a lot of decisions could have been made to decrease social interaction earlier, in a lot of countries. But it wasn’t - and we all probably  share some collective blame for that, but most of the responsibility belongs to the leaders who should have been making those decisions. 

This guy telling his fiancee to stay home for another 2 weeks after all her symptoms disappeared is completely not evidence based - as in, no official sources were recommending this approach. This isn’t about him telling her to follow the law or curent guidance, he literally pulled an arbitrary time figure out of his butt and then got mad that she didn’t do whatever he said.

Would it be better for people who have just been sick with covid symptoms to stay home longer if they can? Sure, it probably wouldn’t hur to make sure it’s more likely to be out of your system. But that’s by no means law or official guidance, nor should people be punished for not staying home longer than recommended.

You really shouldn’t assume that she was the one who gave everone covid. She could just as easily have caught it from the same person who made everyone else at the church sick - who may not even have had symptoms. It’s an AH move to hear other people tested positive and immediately assume your SO is the one who got everyone sick and needs to be punished. It suggests he doesn’t like or respect his ex partner much, since he immediately thinks the worst of her.

It takes a special kind of AH to think ‘huh, I think the pastor’s wife was pressuring her to come back’, but then still lay the full blame on your GF for giving into that pressure. If I feel my SO is being pressured, I’m mad on their behalf, I’m not mad at them for struggling with it.  If you think your GF shouldn’t have gone back, then you should hold your religious leaders accountable for not protecting the vulnerable by cutting social acitvities and not letting people stay off sick. There are a lot of complex decisions that go into how people have navigated lockdown - whether they followed the rules, or not.

It actually seems that he’s a lot more mad that she didn’t do what he said, and his focus is very much on the fact that he feels he was ‘right’. This comes across as being all about control, rather than any genuine care for his partner or others.

Lots of people get sick in a pandemic, it’s hard not to spread illness. We try to do our best, but people can still get sick from us, and that’s just how it is, living in a pandemic. Following guidance helps, but nobody is perfect, and ostracising everyone who messes up isn’t actually gonna fix anything.  Hey, I’m a doctor, I see people make mistakes on a regular basis, that’s just life.

I kind of feel that I shouldn’t have to point it out to a churchgoer, but people are allowed to make mistakes and ask for forgiveness. Apparently the aim isn’t to talk to people about how to do better, it’s to have a go at them and then ostracise them for things largely outside of their control. There’s something hilariously unchristian about his conduct with his SO, and I’d rather be an atheist than buy into whatever form of Christianity he’s supposedly buying into.

She didn’t make a mistake IMHO - she followed regulations.

But if she did make a mistake - is that how you treat your SO when they’ve made a mistake and feel ashamed and bad about what happened? Belittle them, make it all about you (’I told you so), then cut them off because they should apparently have listened to you? Ignore their sincere repentance? Use this as an excuse to be outraged and sanctimonious?

This may come as a shock to some but: SOs aren’t perfect and people mess up. If your response to a partner making a small mistake (as opposed to being a chronically abusive, toxic person) is dumping them because they didn’t do what you want, then you’re really not mature enough to be in a relationship, let alone engaged. If you’re in a relationship, there will be times when your SO messes up - and if they are a decent person they’ll feel bad and try to do better. You can encourage them to be the better person next time, but why would you want them to feel even more terrible? Why would you punish them for something they can’t fix? Why would you go out of your way to hurt them? Don’t you love this person? And is that how you’d like to be treated when you inevitably make mistakes, too?

We are going to see a lot more stories like this - people mad about others not quarantining properly or breaking rules, or being human. Please don’t be the kind of sanctimonious AH who holds people to some impossible standard.

I am a 58-year-old woman, married for 30. Although I like my husband, I find him physically repulsive. His lovemaking is so boring and always has been. I have tried to explain that foreplay is important, but it goes in one ear and out the other. I don’t want to hurt his feelings by saying he is crap in bed, but our sexless marriage has become a thorn on my side. Can you help? Please don’t advise counselling – he would never agree.

Letters like these are always disappointing to read, and are also one of the reasons I agree with my mum’s advice that ideally you shouldnt leave sex until marriage if your belief system and personal comfort let you. Imagine having lived your entire married life with only one sexual partner who has never remotely fulfilled your needs, not even at the start. People in longterm relationshps often struggle with sex when lives get busy and people get sick and things aren’t quite like the heady days of their youth. But it must be hard when things have never been good. She can’t even say that she loves her husband, though she’s kind enough to not want to hurt his feelings.

I’m disappointed with the answer, particularly :

To be married for so long to someone unattractive to you, and to have such a poor opinion about your husband’s lovemaking, suggests that you are not terribly interested in sex yourself; that there are many positive factors that outweigh it in your marriage; that you do not want to upset the status quo; or that you regard yourself as a victim in your relationship.