#dwellingthoughts

I was watching this show called Fleabag a couple months back (watch it if you haven’t). In one of the episodes, while Fleabag (the main character), and her dad were having a heart-to-heart moment, she asks him “Do you think about her (her mother)?”. The question was a simple one, but something that got me mulling over for days to come. I had lost someone very dear to me, and though the death was not recent, it made me question whether or not I had come to terms with it.

One of the recurring thoughts going through my mind was if its alright to think about someone you’ve lost, particularly if those thoughts also bring about a whole bunch of sadness, or pain. One of the most, maybe overused phrase after you’ve lost someone is “It’s time to move on”. What moving on entails, however, is something no one can really explain, especially when there’s a whole lot of pain involved. How then, do we move on? 

Speaking about my own experience here, the person I talked about above was my first real encounter with loss. When I found out, I cried the whole night. I hopped on the first flight back home next morning, but I wasn’t ready to face it yet. I spent most of my time hiding in the shadows, trying to cover up my pain. However, I didn’t have much time to heal. I had something really important going on back home, and had to take a flight back later that night. The next few days went in a flash, I was too occupied to let my emotions bring me down. However, once it all settled down, they flooded back into my mind, and I felt myself spiraling. 

Back then, I didn’t really understand, but looking back, I realized that I was able to push through those few days in between because I had other things on my mind, things that grounded me to reality. Things that didn’t give me time to dwell on what I’d lost. 

We are not built to handle repetitive themes of thoughts and emotions. It leads to a bias in the way we move forward. These thoughts fill us with emotions that eventually weigh us down, and to avoid them we keep ourselves busy, find things to do, anything, to keep the brain occupied. The drone of everyday life, our habitual actions, all to prevent us from tumbling into an endless fall that is our mind.