#dumbass things

“It’s not stupid Bill,” Steve cooed, leaning in and kissing him, “thank you.”

And so that night, Steve put the tape into his walkman and laid in bed, listening to what Billy had made him. He laughed at the music. Billy was so predictable. He was practically beaming when the music stopped for a second and then he heard Billy’s voice, “Hey its me- uh obviously. I really hope this works. If it works, you gotta make it up to your genius boyfriend, okay? You know what I mean. Anyway, I prepared a little something to say but I got so excited to record this, I completely forgot it. Oh well. Um I just wanted to say that I love you, more than anything really. I’m really lucky to be the one who gets to love you. I love kissing your pretty face and holding your hands. Our hands fit so well together, don’t you think? Ah fuck this is so mushy. Look what you’ve done to me, Stevie. I have a big huge gay crush on you. Okay, you should sleep now. Goodnight. I love you baby.”

Steve smiled to himself. He listened to the tape again and actually fell asleep that night. He made sure to excitedly tell Billy about it the next morning. Billy started making him a new tape every week.

-

By the time it was summer, Steve had a shoebox full of tapes that Billy had recorded (and a somewhat healthy sleep-schedule). They didn’t see much of each other during the summer, seeing as they both got jobs. And then things happened. Steve’s nightmares were back for some reason, Billy didn’t understand what Steve was so scared about, and Steve couldn’t just tell him about the whole Upside Down thing. So he left it.

Billy was in his car, on the way to Steve’s house, when the thing got him. He scampered to the phone booth and dialed Steve. “Harrington’s” Steve answered all fancy. “Steve,” Billy whimpered.

“Billy?” Steve’s tone quickly changed to worried, “Hey is that you? What happened?”

Billy thought of everything that just happened. What the fuck was he supposed to say? Maybe he was just imagining shit. That happened sometimes. It’d be easier to just go home and sleep it off..right?

“Billy, you there? Did your dad do somethin-”

“Yeah. ‘m sorry. I can’t- I can’t come over, Stevie.”

“Oh. That’s okay, baby. Call me if it gets too bad. I’ll catch you later, okay?”

“Yep. I feel sick, Steve. I’m gonna leave your tape at the phone booth by Loch Nora. Pick it up later.”

“Okay. I love you, B.”

“Me too.”

And that was it. Billy starts avoiding Steve because he kept having visions of him hurting Steve. He would never do that. He was not like Neil. 

Steve was concerned at first. Neil must’ve hurt Billy real bad if Billy was dodging Steve’s calls too. He asks Max. “He should be fine?” She shrugged, “Neil’s out of town.”

So Steve gets really pissed off. Because why would Billy lie about that? He picks up the tape Billy left him at the phone booth but doesn’t listen to it yet. He was too annoyed at Billy to listen to him telling him to go to bed.

Things get real bad that summer. After Steve and Robin escape the Russian Base and are reunited with everyone else at the mall, things get worse. “Your boyfriend did this. He’s got some mindflayer shit in him!” Mike shrieked at Steve. “It’s not his fault!” Max shrieked back.

So. Yeah. This was definitely Steve’s worst nightmare come to life. And he really didn’t get much time to panic over this newly presented information since they had to execute some game-plan. He barely listened. All he knew was that at one point, he had to T-bone Billy’s car. “I’m so sorry!” He yelled out to Billy. Fuck. This was too much.

And just when he thought the worst of it was over, Billy was doing some weird ritual to sacrifice El for the Mindflayer. He was just going to let this shit eat her? What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck?

Billy was leaning over her. Steve could see that she was saying stuff to him from the distance. Everyone else was throwing fireworks at the creature- trying to distract it. El panicked and cut through Billy’s trance and went through his memories. “Steve,” She whispered the name to him. Billy hesitated. She continued, relaying the memory, “you told him you loved him at the quarry.” Billy suddenly felt warm. He twitched.

“You played with his hair..” He closed his eyes, and he saw Steve. He was laying between his legs. Billy was looking down at his brown eyes and his fingers were tangled in his hair. He felt Steve. 

She took a deep breath, “It was cold.” Yeah, it was. Billy felt like he was there again. It was cold and dark. Steve warmed him up.

“He wore his dirty Nikes. They had a red streak on them,” She described, “and he had your jacket on...He was pretty.” 

Billy closed his eyes. He saw messy dark hair. He saw a smile and the crinkle of eyes. He heard him mumbling. He felt the brush of his lips. The thought of him was safer than home.

“He was really pretty.” 

Billy started nodding, tears escaping his eyes.

“and you-you were happy,” She reached out to touch his face. He leaned into the touch and closed his eyes. Steve.

He felt El tense up as the creature got closer and Billy quickly scampered up, standing defensively in front of El.

“What the fuck is he doing- what is he-” Steve stuttered, alarmed.

He watched as the creature tried to lunge at Eleven. Billy put his arms up. It lunged at him instead. 

Steve heard screaming. Deafening screaming that echoed in his skull. At first he didn't know where it was coming from, then he realized it was from him. He was screaming. He didn’t know what exactly. But he screamed and screamed. And he didn't stop screaming. Everything was a blur.

He tried to go down there. He wanted to stop it. Like he could. Robin held him back as the creature clawed into Billy’s chest repeatedly. When the gate was closed, Robin carefully let Steve out of her grip. He somehow made it down there in less than a few seconds.

“Billy,” his knees buckled and he dropped next to him. He dropped to the floor, but in his head, he was falling into his deepest nightmares. In his head, darkness was closing in on him and engulfing him in its merciless arms. “Billy!” he held him from his shoulders

Billy’s chest sputtered, “Billy. Billy please. You need to- Please Billy. Please,”

He was practically choking on his own blood, ragged gasps escaping from his throat. “M’sorry,” he grunted, energy escaping him.

“Billy. Please, baby. Look at me, please,” Steve jerked him up and down. He looked around in disbelief. There was no way this was actually happening. He saw Max gasping and sobbing in Eleven’s arms. She looked distraught. No. This was not happening to him. Nope nope nope.

-

Steve did not make it home. He was concussed and bleeding internally, apparently, and he had to stay at the hospital for 3 days. He didn’t care. At least he was in the hospital where he could ask about Billy. They gave him a cassette tape they found in Billy’s car. It had ‘To Steve, 19′ sprawled on it in Billy’s handwriting. It must’ve been the 19th week recording. They hadn’t seen each other then so Billy didn't have the chance to give it to Steve. He hadn’t even listened to the 18th one yet. 

Steve wasn’t allowed to see Billy the first few days ‘cause he wasn’t family. Total bullshit. He still was not crying though. He tried really hard not to. Joyce came to the hospital to give him a clean change clothes on his second day there. He tried to smile at her. He didn't think it worked. She talked to him a little. He didn't really listen to her. He heard her, though- he liked her talking. But he didn't listen. She was probably feeling sorry for him. Of course she was. “You’re welcome to stay with us, okay?” Steve shook his head ‘no, thank you’. He’d much rather sulk on his own. He didn't think he could talk. He yelled a lot that night. 

His first day home was okay. He was bored. He wanted to call Billy to hang out- except he couldn’t. Robin came over with some food and he didn’t eat much. He was tired. She hugged him real tight before she left, he almost cried in her arms. He didn’t though. He went back up to his room and sat under the covers for another hour. He tried to think of things that weren’t Billy. He didn’t want to cry. He hasn’t cried since that night. He took a shower and stared at some of the bruises on his chest. Nancy came over too. She said the usual ‘sorry for you’ and ‘I can’t imagine how you feel,’ crap that everyone said to him and then she left. He was tired. Everything in his house reminded him of Billy. He couldn’t even get a shirt to sleep in because he panicked when he saw one of Billy’s shirts messily folded next to his stuff.

He tried to sleep but he saw Billy every time he closed his eyes. He did not want to think of Billy. His brain was just a loop of ‘NO BILLY NO BILLY NO BILLY’...But he was so tired. Fuck it. He took out his walkman and shoved the ‘To Steve, 18′ tape in. He put his headphones on and pressed play. He listened to the music and tried not to think of Billy making fun of his music taste. He managed to keep those tears at bay until he heard Billy’s voice. “Hi Baby. I know this might not help but..I wont let anything hurt you, okay? I don’t really know why you’ve been a little more jumpy these days. Dunno what has been happening with everyone lately...but you know I’ll always make sure you’re okay and safe. I promise I will curl up with you and kiss you senseless tomorrow. I love you. Goodnight.”

“I love you too,” Steve wailed to himself. He could feel his throat tighten. He should’ve told Billy all about this. Maybe he could’ve warned him. He could’ve prevented this. He wrapped his shaking arms around his pillow tighter.

-

Sometimes, Steve would go hang around the quarry at 3 in the morning after visiting the hospital. Billy said he loved him here. Hopper would get real mad at him, though. Something about safety hazards and shit. He did not understand.

“He left me!” He’d yell when Hopper would ask what in the hell he was doing out here at this time. “Harrington, have you lost it?” Hopper would rub at his temples, “He didn’t leave-”

“He was all I wanted- and he left me here. I’m alone, Hop.”

Hopper usually carefully approached Steve, “Listen to me- He’s gonna be okay. It’s okay, Steve.”

“No! Nothing about this is okay!” Steve would bawl, “Nothing about this is okay!” His fist commonly found Hopper’s chest. It never hurt. Steve would be real tired. God, he would be so so tired.

“Stop it!” Hopper would warn, as Steve would repeatedly take out his anger at Hopper’s chest, “I said, stop it!”

“He was all I had!”

“Kid don’t do this to yourself. Stop it. Stop it!” He normally pushed Steve off him, and watched him stumble a little. Until Steve lunged towards him again. But this time, Hopper would just tightly hold Steve and shove him closer to his chest. Steve may try to writhe away, but he was so weak. So tired. He would eventually collapse in Hopper’s arms.

“He was all I had,” Steve would continue saying, on repeat, “he was all I had.”

“It’s gonna be okay, kid,” Hopper would whisper as Steve violently shakes in his arms.

“He was all I had.”

-

After a few months pass, Steve starts working at Family Video with Robin. It was nice to have familiarity. She was pretty much his platonic soulmate. 

“Dude. Put that fuckin’ walkman down and help me organize these shelves,” She rolled her eyes at him. He dramatically made a show of rolling his eyes back and then he put the walkman on the counter. Shouldn’t have. Because when he walked back to get his walkman, a customer had spilled some of his soda on the tape. How the fuck did that even happen?

“Fuck! No no no,” Steve stared at the tape in disbelief, “NO!”

“Everything okay there?” Robin called out. The customer shrugged, “Man, I really didn't mean to- I’m sorry.”

“No no no no please no,” Steve repeated, like a broken record. The guy backed away a little. Robin put her hand on Steve’s forearm, “hey, cut it out.” 

He looked at her. He was crying, “Woah. Steve. It’s okay, Steve- it’s just a tape. Uh..I’ll buy you another-”

“ITS NOT JUST A TAPE. Oh my god. No. No,” He turned around to face the customer, “FUCK YOU. You stupid piece of shit,” He shrieked, “Oh shit. This was- it was- GET OUT OF HERE!”

Steve got fired.

“You know that cassette was an easy fix?” Robin mumbled.

“It’s Billy.”

“Huh?”

“He gave it to me.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t- I can fix it you know? Make you a copy?”

Steve nodded, “Please.”

-

In November, they told him Billy was getting better. He could hear people if they talked to him, the doctor had said. Steve and Max talked to him everyday. Steve even bought Billy the new Mötley Crüe record and played it for him. Max kept borrowing Billy’s clothes. She looked a lot like him sometimes. Steve kept listening to the same 19 tapes on loop. Every night. Sometimes he’d wonder if he had gone insane. He missed him real bad. He just wished he could hear Billy knocking at his door like a maniac again. He wished he can argue with him again. He wished he can hold him. Just hold him a little.

-

“I’ve told you everything now,” Steve mumbled, playing with Billy’s fingers. His hands have healed well in the past 4 months. “I wish you could respond. I mean, I’m glad I have those tapes. I still get to hear your voice at least. I’ve memorized them by now. You know how hard memorizing things for me is?”

“Yeah. Pretty damn hard,” He responded to himself. “I gave Max one of them and she says you’re a real sap. She’s coming over in the morning tomorrow too. She got excused from school and all. All for you.” Steve laughed and rested his head on the edge of Billy’s bed.

“You’re probably really sick of my voice, huh?” He continued talking, “I always seem to ramble. You said you liked when I rambled. But now you can’t really stop me. I can talk so much. It’s annoying, isn't it? It’s payback, though. You died on me for a second. I will ramble and annoy you forever. They cut your hair, by the way. I like it. You probably won’t. You’re gonna get so mad when you see it.”

“I really don’t wanna go back home,” Steve sighed, drawing circles onto Billy’s palm, “I miss ya.” He was quiet for a moment. He could fall asleep here, really. He felt a tap on his hand. Real soft. He felt Billy’s finger tap his hand.

“HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGSHIT,” Steve gasped, “Did you just- Am I imagining this?”

Billy tapped him again. 

“Oh my- What the fuck? I’ve gotta call Max!”

When Steve went home that night, he listened to one of the tapes like usual. He smiled this time. No more crying. This was it. Billy was gonna pull through. Steve was gonna get a good night’s sleep.

“Hey Stevie. I miss you already. I wish I can be there with you. I wanna hear you laugh. One day I’ll leave this shithole and start holding you through the night.  Thank you for loving me. Now go to bed. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

-

December 6th, Steve woke up to the phone ringing. He picked it up and almost went deaf. “STEVE! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE! HE’S AWAKE” Max screeched into the phone. She yelled a lot of other things too but Steve’s ears stopped working.

He practically teleported to the hospital. Was he supposed to look nice for Billy after all this time? What the fuck? He just put on the closest thing he could find to clothes, brushed his teeth, and rushed to the hospital. He stood outside Billy’s room. Max was still in there talking to him. Fuck. Why was he so nervous?

Max left the room and closed the door behind her. She was grinning. Steve hadn’t seen that grin in so long. She started rambling, “He can’t really say anything yet. Maybe just a few words. He’s been awake for a few hours but they were running tests and asking him a lot of questions, so he might seem a little tired. Okay- uhhh now go smooch your man,” she wiggled her brows at Steve. Idiot.

He knocked on the door. “Just go in!” Max hissed, rolling her eyes. 

He opened the door and quickly closed it behind him. Billy was sitting up, with the support of a lot of pillows. He still looked sort of dazed. Steve stood there for a second just staring at Billy. Billy made a low rough sound to get Steve’s attention. He motioned for Steve to get closer. Steve sat down on one of the chairs placed next to the hospital bed. He was once again trying not to cry. Was he allowed to touch Billy?

He looked so..small.

“..Pretty...boy?” Billy croaked. It sounded like he put so much effort just to get those 2 words out. Steve’s eyes started to water at his voice. He nodded and took Billy’s hand in his “Yeah, baby, it’s me.” Billy tugged at Steve’s hands and brought him closer. “..Can I hug you?

Billy nodded. Steve clung onto him, “you scared me,” he whispered into Billy’s shoulder. Billy laughed like Steve was being amusing - it hurt a little. They held each other for a while. Billy pulled away and lead Steve’s hand up to his head and patted his hair.

Steve immediately understood, “Yeah they cut your hair off. I told them you’d lose your mind over it. I think it looks pretty hot. You don’t like it?” Billy scrunched his nose up and shook his head in disgust.

-

Max spent Christmas morning with Billy. He could talk better now. He also gained full mobility of his arms back. Everyone was real proud of him. He brushed it off because he couldn’t even sit up for long periods of time, yet. What’s there to be proud about? 

He laughed a lot with her. They were getting closer. Steve fixed up Billy’s car for Christmas. He stealthily (like a ninja) left the keys on the table next to Billy’s hospital bed. Billy gave Steve 4 new tapes. Billy recorded all of those last night. “Sorry. I haven’t given you a new one in a while. I’ll give you a better present later. Merry Christmas, Stevie.”

Steve almost cried.

-

“Hey Bambi. I haven’t made one of these in a while. I hope you’ve- I’m sorry. Thank you for waiting for me all this time. Your smile is what’s getting me through. No matter how dark and lonely some of these days are, you’re always there to bring me light. I love you, Steve. There's good in this world, and I found a little bit of it in you.”

-

Billy started learning to walk again in February. He got frustrated often and it usually ended up in tears. It was almost like he was ashamed. Like he did not just fucking die and come back to life.

He pushed through his limits a lot and mostly got walking down in March. It was still hard for him to walk long distances or climb stairs, but he was determined to get it all down soon since they said he could leave the hospital come April.

-

“Okay STOP. You’re making me nervous,” Steve fussed.

“Okay, okay. Sorry,” Billy put his hands up in defense, “Come on. Just tell me, baby.” Steve took a deep breath. He was so dramatic. “I looked at a few apartments.”

“You’re moving out? That’s it? You know I’m proud of you- you didn’t have to be so nervous-”

“No you idiot- For when you leave the hospital. I looked at apartments for us. Me and you. Together.”

Billy was a little taken aback. He stared at him blankly. Steve stammered, “I mean- We don’t have to. I didn’t even know if you wanted to go back to California after you got out of here or not- It’s fine- You don’t want to?”

“Steve. Of course I want to.”

-

Max was really excited for them. She helped Steve pick out a lot of stuff for the apartment. She gave him a lot of constructive feedback on what he wanted to buy...“That is the ugliest couch I’ve ever seen- you’re not buying that. Right? Billy would instantly move out!”

He knew she was right.

- 

When Billy left the hospital, and was finally situated on the passenger side of Steve’s BMW, he started laughing like a hyena. 

“Man, you are so scary,” Steve laughed. 

“What? I’m just happy! It was boring as shit to sit in that building for months. Now, drive me fun places. Not like there’s any in this town.”

“Oh wow. Back to your old self?” Steve grinned.

Billy blasted music real loud, with the windows down, hysterically laughing the whole time. Steve closed the windows when he noticed Billy getting out of breath but he didn’t make any comments. “You wanna get some food?”

“Okay.”

They got a lot of food but didn’t end up eating any of it. Billy couldn’t really eat much and he felt sick after a few sips from Steve’s milkshake. Steve took Billy’s hand in his, “let’s go to my place. Take a break.”

“Okay.”

-

They spent his first night out of the hospital at Steve’s house. They planned on moving in to their new apartment the next day. Steve could’ve moved them in while Billy was at the hospital but Billy didn’t want to miss out.

It was hard to climb up the stairs to Steve’s room. Billy broke down halfway. He hated being weak. He didn’t even allow Steve to help him and pushed him away when he offered to hold his hand.

When he finally reached the top of the stairs, Steve took Billy to the bathroom and helped wash his hair. His hair got longer, curlier.

They laid around until the sun came up. Billy was tired but also thrilled to move into the new apartment the next day. Steve raked his fingers through Billy’s hair and told him all about the ugly couch. Billy laughed, “I’m glad my sister was there to stop you from buying that shit.”

Steve poked his tongue out, “You really would’ve moved out?”

“I would’ve done more than moved out. I would have went back to that thing and begged it to kill me again,” He grinned. 

Steve’s smile quickly dropped, “don’t.”

“I-I was only kidding, okay?”

-

They got up early the next day and loaded a bunch of boxes in the trunk of their cars. Joyce and Hopper came over to help them unload stuff into the new apartment. Billy insisted on carrying at least one box- Steve gave him a small shoebox.

“Are you kidding me? I’m strong enough to-”

“I know,” Steve cut him off, “I know you’re strong, okay? But I also need you to be okay. I don’t- I don’t want to see you hurt yourself. And you said one box. You didn’t say nothing about the size of the box.”

Billy groaned like a six year old and carried the box into the apartment, “You’re such a smartass.” He shoved the box into one of the closets and went to unpack some of the stuff Steve carried over.

-

They went to bed really early that afternoon - but they had a long day (and they were pretty excited to sleep in their new room).

“Hey Bill, where did you put that box you carried?”

“The microscopic box?”

Steve rolled his eyes, “yes. That blue shoebox.”

“Closet. Why do you need shoes? We going somewhere?”

“No, dumbass,” Steve smiled, walking to the closet and rummaging through to get the box, “I need the tapes to sleep.”

“Tapes?” Billy asked in confusion. And then it dawned on him that the tapes he’d made Steve were in that box. “You don't- baby, I am here. You don’t need them anymore.”

“Oh,” Billy saw the moment Steve realized that he had him right there. “You’re right,” Steve’s lips broke out into a fond smile. He climbed into bed and cuddled closer to Billy’s chest. He shifted a little, trying to get comfortable before exhaling and saying, “You gonna say romantic shit to me like in those tapes or what?” 

He softly traced over some of the scars on Billy’s torso, waiting for an answer.

“Do you want me to?”

“Okay- I guess.”

“Then, I will. What are you doing?”

“I don’t know. I like doing this. Drawing invisible things on your skin,” Steve smiled like a dork, “I used to do it at the hospital. I’d hold your hand and trace the words 'I love you' on the back of it.”

Billy snaked his hand around  the nape of Steve’s neck, playing with the overgrown pieces of hair there. “I love you. Always.” 

Steve hummed and closed his eyes in content at the touch.

“I miss you,” Billy said.

“I’m right here.”

“I always miss you- even if you’re only gone for a little while. If we didn’t have to sleep, I’d tell you cheesy pick up lines and kiss you all night long.”

“Okay. I’m too tired. I’m literally gonna fall asleep now. You don’t need to tell me anything romantic,” Steve chuckled, “goodnight.”