#dueydecimal

"Okay, Pisces Playhouse, let's go- ooh look my character's a COOL DUDE! And I'm a firm believer that having cool sunglasses can help you save the universe, which is why I'm going to wear them this episode"

This game-- unlike any other so far-- has an intro! A blue spaceship soars through a sky full of stars, and inside, a boy with a red fauxhawk peers through the window unsurely as his burly, silver-haired father drives with a smile of confidence.

Syrupentine: Santa And Son!

[My father founded the Pisces project.]

[He created the machines that would convert this barren planet into a new Earth, and left them here.]

The screen switches back to the exterior of their ship, which is now skimming over the surface of a lush, green planet.

CRACK! Suddenly, a silver tentacle grabs the ship right out of the air!

aroseahorseboy: AAH FUCK JUMP SCARE

[They have been waiting for us to come back.]

The Planet Of Pisces logo, a pair of splashing blue fish, appears over the scene, as smoke from the crashed spaceship rises into the sky.

aroseahorseboy: Told you the last one was always the best, Bea

"I can't see anything- OH!" She removes her sunglasses just in time. "Daaang, ok I dunno if anyone ever played Xardion but this is what this makes me think of"

Bee52: cool I hope you get to play a robot cat!

When Bea starts the game, sprites of the father and son are standing outside the wrecked spaceship. The father is speaking.

[I'm going to the CPU to find out what went wrong. I'll be back by nightfall. Glem, you stay here and don't go anywhere!]

He walks off screen and the boy sits down next to the ship-- and the sun sets, the moon comes out, the sun rises again. The boy stands up and puts on those cool sunglasses from the title screen.

[I gotta find Dad!]

aroseahorseboy: it's like the Odyssey, gotta find your father Klickitat_Street: "Glem"???

"Glem! From the game over thing?" Bea tries moving around. "I think I've heard of you and uh, it's nice to meet you in person! I dunno, should I tell him?"

DueyDecimal: i thought that was just a glitch! Maybe it comes from this game?

The game begins-- Glem can run and jump, and he's armed with a blue frisbee(?). But this frisbee returns to him like a yo-yo, bounces off walls and ricochets, and if Bea times it right, he can fly on it like a hover board!

"You can't tell but the control is tight, but you can see the sprite animations in this look better, some of these games have been good but I'm already feeling like this one's gonna be special"

This game is DEEP, with every stage introducing a new mechanic that becomes part of your repertoire of moves-- soon Glem is sledding down spikes with his Discus (as it turns out to be called) serving as a sled, pulling off amazing ricochet shots that bring hovering bad guys down to use as stepping stones, and more!

When Bea pauses for a snack, even the pause screen shows a map of the world, and an enemy encyclopedia! The most common enemy in this game is a bat-winged frog creature called a Hopteran, which can fly, swim, or (true to its name) hop; the most frustrating one is the Angul, which appears to be a winged angel made of glowing neon, and always appears to hunt Glem down at seemingly the worst times!

HNV: God, this game reminds me of the first time I ever played Super Mario 3. aroseahorseboy: its more like dkc but yeah! Max_Force: I'm going to be a dad in eight weeks, you guys... I hope there are still games like this when my daughter gets old enough to play.

Bea has been quiet, as she gets when she gets really into a game. "If you're out there, Mr. Or Ms. Joy Traveler development person, please just let me know who you are so I can credit you somehow because this is a gem hidden in a pile of.. Uh well its the best looking game so far lets keep it at that!"

By the time she gets to the last boss-- four and a half hours later-- the adventure has taken her from rolling green hills, to a parched desert, to dripping, foggy cliffs, and finally into this wild technological slime mold explosion, where the machines sprout up from the ground and attack, monitors spontaneously grow out of the walls and blare warnings, and her old friend Angul could be waiting around any corner. She's fought robots, biological hazards, and even what looked like a giant blob of blood gelatin-- but the end of Planet of Pisces is near.

"Okay so this has gone way, WAY overtime but I think I'm near the end here folks, at least I hope so. I would almost say that if you ever find one of these systems, it's almost worth getting just for this one"

aroseahorseboy: hands up if you ordered one while you were watching those! Bee52: me berd_snurglar: you can order these??? Syrupentine: I hope Glem's dad is OK. :( aroseahorseboy: I hope he's not the final boss Bee52: bite your tongue!!!

"Look, I'm not proud of the way I got this, okay? I had to pry it out of the cold dead hands of a little orphan girl and then I had to suck a whole lot of di- I got it off eBay for like 30 bucks. He said he played a few games and decided it sucked. So if you're out there, hit me up for uh, a free t-shirt"

Syrupentine: I'm a Little dead orphan girl, where's my free T-shirt HNV: Dead T-shirt contest, wooooo

"I dunno guys I feel like the dad usually dies in things like these but we'll see, hang on time, gonna farm these spidery things for health real quick and then it's on to the boss..."

She stands before the boss door, readying herself for anything.

Behind the final door is... what looks like a garage, filled with those robots that were attacking, except now they're building a spaceship identical to the one that you came here in. Directing them is – Glem's dad!

"Sure, sure, just do this to me, thats fine. You called it, AroSeahorseBoy. This is gonna be like a Wily fight but really sad isn't it!"

aroseahorseboy: aw, I didn't have to bite my tongue Syrupentine: Aro is so smart, S-M-R-T

Dad sees him and jumps down from the balcony he's on. ["Glem! I told you to stay where you were!"] He takes one step forward and freezes. All the robots stop and look at him. ["YOU CAN NEVER JUST DO AS YOU'RE TOLD."] Dad suddenly rises into the air-- and begins to glow as he changes. He's a Angul! And from the looks of things, the king of them all!

"OK THIS IS WORSE THAN I THOUGHT" shouts Bea while frantically dodging attacks. Of course this is the kind of boss you have to learn the attack patterns of, no matter how much you've powered up. In the end it's come down to raw skill.

"Dad why?? Were you one of them all along? Or not? Or am I, Glem, also an Angul?? Should I try to focus on not dying instead of theorizing right now, OW there goes a third of my health"

The worst part is, no matter what you throw at him, Dad isn't taking ANY damage! In fact, the only thing that makes him pause, as far as you can tell-- is when you accidentally destroy one of the robot drones that's busily building the ship in the background. That makes Dad MAD.

aroseahorseboy: it's a meta boss, great THAT means he has another form berd_snurglar: Aro stop trying to be smart, we already believe you

"Hey daaad, I'm messing up all your cool expensive robots! MMph, yeah, I'm gonna spray paint bad words all over your cool space ship, too!" She takes out another worker bot. "You spat all over my dream of being a world champion CD thrower and now you're gonna pay for it!"

The robots do rebuild themselves after a short time, but when she knocks them all out at once, the fight changes. Dad lands-- and seems to deflate, all the neon and metal flying away and entering the ship!

Dad stands up, looking weak. ["Glem... It's the CPU. It--he--wants to get back to Earth!"]

The ship shudders and begins to collapse-- no, it's changing. The worker robots are reabsorbed as it changes and expands, becoming... What exactly? Ah, of course-- a giant mechanical dragon.

HNV: DUDE TaichoSenseiKun: I want one!

"ME TOO!" Bea's so impressed with the design she barely jumps over the huge, electrified fireball headed her way, the first of many! "Aaaaaah jeez welcome to BULLET HELL, I see! Fuckfuckfuck, string of obscenities!!!"

This takes all her skills and she has to invent some new ones! She can use the snowboard technique to surf over those electric balls, but it's still a bear getting him down, because only one of his heads is vulnerable at any time, and he may have as many as five!

"Aright if you do the ricochet throw it's a little easier to hit him, but you have to get it pixel perfect! And so Herculass (that's me) vanquishes the mighty hydra, at the expense of her damn thumbs but I do if for you guys!" She slips between a rain of laser fire, every move counts and she's gotta think fast, but as the boss starts to flash red, it seems the end may be nigh.

NormalNancy: YOU GOT THIS BEA YOU GOT IT Syrupentine: Iwata-san, lend Bea your power from heaven

"Dude too soon. Ugh doesn't matter its ALWAYS gonna be too soon"

Syrupentine: I was sincere. :(

Whether through her own skill or divine intervention... It works! BOOOM, down goes the dragon in a shower of bubbly explosions, all three heads twisting and screaming!

NormalNancy: YOU DID IT MaxForce: Planet of FUCK YEAH! berd_snurglar: how you gonna get home now, there went your ship

"Am I done? I'm just.. I can't.." Suddenly it all catches up with Bea, she hasn't been this into a game in a while! "I'd give a big victory scream but I don't think I have in meOOOOOOOOOOH IN YOUR FACES, ALL FIVE OF THEM ASSHOLE!"

Glem's father comes up-- it's strange, how strong and burly he looked at the beginning of the game, and how Glem seems to tower over him now.

["You've actually beaten 6R316-UE... Son, I don't know what to say!"] The wreckage of the dragon rumbles. ["CALL ME BY MY NAME... DAD."]

Suddenly the same neon and metal cloud rises from the dragon's heap-- and flies right into Glem!

"Aww.. Maybe his dad really just wanted to- OH NO!"

["Glem! No!"]

As Glem falls to the ground, his father grabs the Discus and tosses it into the air-- where it becomes another cloud and pursues the first into Glem!

"I... I don't know whats happening? Did I do something wrong? Is there more??" She tries tapping the buttons lightly, bracing herself for another boss fight

A new stage starts-- and it's not like any other stage in the game. It's sort of like Tron and sort of like Bomberman; a high-speed chase through Glem's own brain, where you have to use the blue bombs to block off the silver dragon-headed tapeworms and force them to destroy themselves!

DueyDecimal: TAPEWORMS! In this game?? berd_snurglar: it's more likely than you think

"WHAT IS HAPPENING WHERE ARE WE WHY ARE WE WHAT ARE WE DOING?!" Bea says, desperately trying to adapt to the new play style! Suddenly the old rules don't apply! "I'm developing an abusive relationship with this device, in that I think its amazing and wonderful and wants to make me suffer"

Every time she lands a hit on one of the dragons, a text box appears, and some of the dialogue seems a bit familiar.

[MY NAME IS NOT 6R316-UE.] [MY NAME IS GREIGUE.] [BUT IT COULD JUST AS WELL BE GLEM.] [OUR FATHER NEVER NEED KNOW WHO WON THIS BATTLE.][ONE SON IS AS GOOD AS ANOTHER TO HIM...]

"Bomb, bomb, evade, EVADE- ffff!! Wait, no, good, I think I got two at once that time?!" Bea's weary but not beaten. She can't be beaten now, she's come too far! "Get out of my HEAD, Greeg! I'm so pissed I'm not even gonna try getting your name right"

Syrupentine: Greigue? Someone's been playing Earthbound Zero... berd_snurglar: wait seriously the terrible monster we've been working our way toward is called 'greg'? aroseahorseboy: it's either that or "Greg-Ooh" DueyDecimal: Gregory the Terrible Eater! aroseahorseboy: if I didn't know that was a book about cartoon goats, that would sound like eldritch horror

Bea is visibly dozing off as she battle rages on, somehow just barely mashing buttons well enough to stay alive, even if she wanders aimlessly into a corner now and then. "s'gonna be over soon. I can feel it, I will persist, and so on, die already"

NormalNancy: BEA WAKE UP YOUR WINNING MaxForce: This is really creepy! aroseahorseboy: one more one more don't choke

"You guys are gonna have better luck piecing together what's happening than I am, I am- I'm almost dead now" she's down to one health pip!

Finally, there's only one dragon head left, chasing Bea's glowing avatar (Glem's soul?) through the maze faster than ever. All it takes is one well-placed bomb, that spins the walls around and captures the dragon in a cube, making it spin faster and faster and finally swallow its own tail!

[NO! NO! I WAS FINALLY! SO! CLOOOSE!]

[JOYRIDERRRRRR!]

The whole screen erupts in digital explosions, and fades back to the workshop, where Glem's father is holding his son, head in his lap.

NormalNancy: YESSS NormalNancy: Way to go Bea! Bee52: wait, joyrider? Wtf?

Bea actually slumps out of her chair for comic effect, but then falls on the floor for real. (THUD)

"OW! Shhh... I'm fine, just.. Not gonna do that again" (at least she's awake!)

The story plays out on the screen as Glem's eyes flicker open, his father hugging him tightly.

[I should have trusted you. You haven't just saved me-- you saved this world I built for us.]

[I've recovered control from 6R316-UE. The machines can rebuild the ship for me in just a few hours. What do you want to do?]

Now the game presents Bea with a final choice:

<I want to go home to Earth.> <I want to live here.>

HNV: it's a trap Klickitat_Street: I don't feel like we got enough input which would be the correct choice. aroseahorseboy: don't give up on earth! Syrupentine: No, stay, you put so much of yourself in this planet NormalNancy: KILL ME NOWWWW

"We know they were going away from the earth, we don't know why though! Is it bad? Do we really want to stay here and chance it with the crazy machines? Uugh.. I dunno."

"Whatever, doesn't matter what I choose, I can always come back and see the other one, can't I?"

"She said, tempting fate"

"Know what? somebody's gotta keep an eye on this place or things just go cray cray so.. all right, dad. We'll stay here, together. And have a cool robot family! I hope. Do you think we could rebuild Greg and make him nice? I feel kind of bad for him"

[I want to stay here.] [After all I've put you through here, you want to stay?] His dad hugs him tight. [The ship launches in three hours... But we won't be on it.]

The scene cuts to Glem and his dad watching the ship sail into the sky... And fades to black.

The torn and tarnished landscape reappears, and the cast roll begins-- all the monsters and meanies Glem fought pass by and are named, from Hopteran to Angul and even some Bea missed (what in the world was Wuggykins?). As the cast rolls by, the landscape slowly heals, going from brown and parched to green and welcoming, and crops and buildings start to appear. Even the sky goes from yellow to blue.

Syrupentine: Awww aroseahorseboy: Bea you totally made the right choice

"I sure hope so. I have a lot of questions but, all's well that ends well, I guess!" She leans back in her chair as she watches, a smile creeping over her face. "This is the kind of game I didn't WANT to end, in a way. This deserves a sequel!"

Finally the five faces of 6R316-UE appear, and cackle cruelly as the characters in its name change one by one to GREIGUE.

The faces disappear one by one, as do the letters... And when the word says GRE_G__, the dragon face looks sad as it disappears.

Llord_Kuruku: nickname Greg confirmed Bee52: Poor mecha dragon

"Thanks, rub it in, game" says Bea with a frown

Then a speck appears in the sky. The ship has returned! We fade back in on Glem and his dad as they watch it land...and out comes the whole family.

Names appear over everyone as they run out and hug Glem and his dad: RIKEL, a tiny little girl who falls flat on her face as she runs for Daddy's arms. ZORK and MARG, twin boys who grab each other and start wrestling before they can even join the family group. RENK, a boy who looks close to Glem's age who runs out to hug him first. And finally out comes...

Syrupentine: REDMOM!!! Klickitat_Street: I knew we were calling her Mom for a reason!

Bea screams! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Sorry it's just, there she is! And the kids! So, everything was leading up to this game?? And the kids, too! Even if she named them weird!"

"I mean we shouldn't assume but she always did look like the mom type. Mom type Pokémon"

Redmom runs up to her husband and they embrace as their names appear: JOYRIDER and JAYWALKER.

Baconnaise: apparently weird-ass names are a family tradition??? aroseahorseboy: the computer knew Glem's mom??????

She sees the names. "Nnnnnnnng, 'Jaywalker'" she massages her temples.

HNV: Luke Jaywalker

"Ok, so, at least some of these are our mascot characters? I know two are, some of the kids have appeared in game, I know the twins from Beware! Kitchen, I don't think I've seen the others? This is adorable though, you don't usually get a game starring a whole family.. Or a series of games I s'pose"

DueyDecimal: A whole family of mascots reminds me of Doki Doki Panic! And Legacy of the Wizard if anyone remembers that!

The words The End appear in the sky as the family embraces in their new home, and the screen fades to black... But before it restarts, the sad dragon face appears once more with a message:

[IF ONLY ANY STORY COULD TRULY END SO HAPPILY.]

NormalNancy: whaaat DueyDecimal: Oh God this had better not have all been a dream!

But it doesn't seem to be-- Bea is returned to the title screen after a few tense moments.

"Man here it comes! I knew there was gonna be some bullsh- oh"

Bea looks into the camera. "SEQUEL HOOK!"

Bee_52: is there a Joy Traveler 168, please say yes Llord_Kuruku: just skip ahead to Planet of Pisces 2! aroseahorseboy: does ANYONE have a ROM for this???

"Wait, there IS a sequel? I musta just glossed over it, I couldn't have known! And I don't think there's a rom, I don't even know if there's another Joy Traveler of THIS model in existence!"

MaxForce: the one I bought was just Joy Traveler 67, it has 100 less games. :( aroseahorseboy: does it have POP though?? MaxForce: dunno, I ordered it an hour ago!

"You did whatnow??" "I mean cool but, I didn't know you could!"

MaxForce: yeah Bea! If it's got different games I might do my own LP of it and if not, AWESOME

"It could have totally different stuff but I hope you get to play this, the world must know! Now I need to recover a little so, gonna end the stream now, it's been a hell of a ride. Thanks for joining, my bees! Til next time, your queen bids you adieu!"

(Sunday, August 9, 2015)

normalnancy: hi magic -*-MAGIC_*_ hi who are you Llord_Kuruku: Hope Bea shows up soon HNV: Geez, who even are all these people? anthony1998x: an1 here from cali say yo normalnancy: hi lord kurku normalnancy: hi hnv berd_snerglar: She's usually on by now wtf. GlockRoach: u think she got freaked out aroseahorseboy: nah, bea has enviable chill

Bea arrives at last, looking a little worn. "Son of a bee it's been kind of a crazy night but okay. All good now, thanks for waiting! Had a little drama in the hive"

"BEA YOU FORGOT TO FEED THE DOGS!" "...hang on.."

anthony1998x: wtf r your parents here??? HNV: Dude, she's a millennial, we ALL live with our parents. Llord_Kuruku: ohmygodareyoufuckingserious. bea you have to show us the dogs aroseahorseboy: doggiiiiies

"Okay! Ready, my swarm!" She returns. "No, no, get down! You got wet paws! Out! I need an actual studio for this or something instead of just my nerd room, don't I"

"Welcome once again to Press Bea, picking up with Joy Traveler, part 5, and things have been...weird. We had Box Baby 2 and learned more about the Spanunkos and I haven't gone any further.. yet. It's tempting but I want to plumb the mysteries of this machine with my hive by my side! No I'm not scared!"

normalnancy: hi bea DueyDecimal: This gets more awesome every episode you guys, seriously calm down and watch bug_snuggler: bea can you play some of the actual good games you have GlockRoach: Dude you gotta stop changing your name every time, pick one. pick that one. Syrupentine: Everyone calm down, Bea can play what she wants... which is going to be more Planet of Pisces, right??

"Well I was thinking, I'll pick one to start and then you guys can pick the next, seems to work out pretty well most of the time"

DueyDecimal: I like that. aroseahorseboy: buckle up buzzers

Screen 5 shows a pastoral scene with a sunny field, a swimming hole, and a tree with a tire swing! Seated in front are two children, a boy and a girl, holding hands with their backs to the camera. In the sky appear the names of the 12 games for this screen:

49: Berry Batty 50: Teddy Bear Ballet 51: Impact Crate 52: Pralines & Cream 53: Whack-O Golf 54: Planet of Pisces 2: For Super Players 55: Kaveman 56: Crosswalk 57: Whirlwind Football 58: Fuzzed 59: Cat Rate 60: Sunny Spring Mornings

aroseahorseboy: is... is that... Syrupentine: omg omg omg POP2!!! Llord_Kuruku: HOLY SHHIIIIIIIII HNV: It's a trap! Play the last one, that's got to be a fakeout!

"Ok I know what you guys are thinking, and it IS a weird order but I don't think that really means anything. Crosswalk just sounds dull but we've though that before.. Oh you know what's boring? Golf!"

Syrupentine: ...Golf. DueyDecimal: God has forsaken us. snug_buggler: guys we can leave til the boring is over. why u hate us bea?

"Remember what this game did to soccer? And cooking? And other sports? Cooking is a sport you can't tell me otherwise"

HNV: Oh shit, you know what shows up in sports games, right? Llord_Kuruku: ...Spanunko time? HNV: Totally Spanunko time!

"DANGIT, how could I forget. Sure they're evil undead abominations but who can resist the thrill of competition..."

This is the first, and possibly only, first-person shooter on the whole console! It's nothing like any FPS Bea has played, though. The playing field is limited to what you can see through a cutout, like the gobos used to depict "binocular view" in a movie. You also shoot arrows and axes rather than bullets, and the enemies are fantasy monsters, but the play field seems to be a futuristic city!

"GO!! GO WE HAVE TO RUN, LETS GO! WHY DO YOU WASTE MY TIME WITH MENUS?! Wait what do I name my character.."

aroseahorseboy: there's ten characters... HONEYBUNCH HNV: Ten playable characters?? aroseahorseboy: ten blank spaces HNV: I admit they're not very well fleshed out, no

"Done. Nope, sorry, aro gets this one!” Entered! "I'm going to look at this warehouse for supplies.. Does this town look familiar to you guys? I mean, totally different game obviously, but.. Maybe rubble just tends to look similar"

Syrupentine: The last ruined city we saw didn't have any monsters though... DueyDecimal: Maybe the monsters all got turned into save points! TaichouSenseiKun: I Have No Mouth And I Must Save

It's very strange to play an FPS that uses NES-quality graphics! You can't quite tell what the monsters are until they get close to you, so it's almost like Dragon Warrior or other RPGs of the day, you fight in very close quarters.

"I can't really see what i'm fighting until its right there and that makes this SO SCARY!!"

TaichouSenseiKun: What if they threw a Doom and Bea came DueyDecimal: An FPS that Bea actually likes?? What kind of miracle is this? aroseahorseboy: okay i thought that was going to be a bear but it is indeed a mean gingerbread man LESSON LEARNED Glockroach: Bea youre beating the hell out of that heavily pixelated gingerbread man

"I was hungry.. Oh I got one of its candy claw hands? Can I equi- ohhh yeah I can!"

john_brown: this actually is a little bit like gauntlet except there's no "elf needs food badly" aroseahorseboy: "elf serves food poorly"

When Bea finally reaches the boss of the maze, once again, it's very difficult to see what it is from a distance. When Bea gets close, though, she gets a very detailed look at a moist, gooey eye glaring right back at her from the TV! Bea sputters out profanities and tries to flee but can't get it out of her field of "vision!"

"HELP ME AAAAA I CANT DO ANYTHING OHGODHELP" She tries attacking it, to no avail.

john_brown: oh cool does this have motion controls? HNV: ...It's been a long time since anyone said that. john_brown: it's watching bea herself-- when she goes left, it looks left Baconnaise: Maybe it wants a staring contest. or a contact lens Maybe it must be fed aroseahorseboy: O!!! bea bea bea listen lean to the left while you play THEN SHOOT FROM THE RIGHT

"Why does this thing keep messing with me?? It makes games, it does.. whatever this is here, it emotionally devastates people, it slices, it dices, it die-ses!"

Syrupentine: Thinks it's so great, where the hell is the game where it tells you the sports scores and lottery numbers from the future

Aro's suggestion actually works: since the boss aims at the person playing the game, rather than the player character, it starts to miss her as soon as she leans over, out of view of her webcam.

"If I don't look at it, it can't see me! I'll have to fight it in the mirror.. wait, Aro's thing is better, let’s keep doing that!"

"This is really cool but I hope the next one doesn't stare quite so deeply into the pits of my soul.."

john_brown: can someone explain what's happening in this series or should I just watch the other videos? they're like four hours each...

"Well I know a lot of you know each other already. John, we'd been trying to get you here for a while, but I do these live and then just post em, maybe I should chop them up more. There's a lot going on in this game but we're pretty sure we're trying to solve a mystery!"

Syrupentine: Would it be okay with you if I made some "best of" videos, Bea? HNV: John: Bea's been playing this crazy plug and play game system with supposedly 167 games on it, and there's a bunch of weird recurring themes DueyDecimal: My favorite is the family with the funny names! They keep appearing and the mom and son are like the mascots for the whole series, I think

"There's a family and- yeah. And the mom is the one we know the best, and she seems AWESOME and let us unlock this in-game software that lets you actually make stuff! It's like Mario Maker, sort of, but you can do multiple genres and also, I keep thinking about her like she's a real person, is that weird? Well, welcome to the Bea Show!"

Klickitat_Street: And then there's the zombies. And tapeworms. And Planet of Pisces, and tons of weird games made by actual children... john_brown: is this all for real? aroseahorseboy: either that or bea is a fucking brilliant performance artist DueyDecimal: Also this totally weird imported game system has all these advanced features! It has gyro controls, analog stick, QR support, and Bea keeps finding new ones!

"Both things can be true. I think they're trying to tie together the console's history in some way, Redhead might even be one of the devs"

This game stars a muscular black man who wields a claw hammer as a weapon. It looks like there's a text-heavy intro that would explain this, but Bea accidentally skips it!

"Isn't this supposed to have an introduction by Whoopi Goldberg.. I guess I can- oh, shi- sorry, sorry! Well, I just spared you a bad impression, at least.."

HNV: It's okay, we remember it from when you played the SNES version of The Pagemaster aroseahorseboy: and sister act 2 on the genesis

When the game starts, the hero (Kwaseed?) has a number of things he can do with his claw hammer, not just swinging it-- he can take things apart with the claw, hang from rivets on the walls, and throw lots of hammers at once in a big arc!

DueyDecimal: Cool, he can throw hammers like in Kwisdo

"Maybe it's a spiritual sequel! We'll be fighting floating dog houses with sharks in them soon enough!"

There are some familiar monsters to fight, like the jack-o-lantern snowmen and the somersaulting Santa... but now they're all soldiers wearing strange armor, some of whom fire bullets at the hero with regular handguns between jumps.

Another sequel: this time to Cat Rate, surprisingly. Bea didn't play the ninja cat in the last game, but he seems to be the star of this one!

Instead of a sports game, it's an action game, where your ninja cat can climb walls with his claws and hide in the shadows to avoid invincible dog thugs. Most of this one is just Bea making happy, high pitched noises, occasionally pointing at the screen when a new cute thing shows up!

aroseahorseboy: who made this cuteness for us and when is it going to get horrible HNV: Don't look a gift kitty in the meowth!

"I wonder if there's a whole Catverse? I sure hope so, this rules- Hey good I'm dead! I keep dying cause everything is so delightful that it just kiiiiills me! Oh, I have- I have six lives, down from- OH I STARTED WITH NINE, OF COURSE, THAT'S ADORABLE!"

DueyDecimal: One hit and you're dead, but ninjas aren't exactly known for their resilience, I guess! Bee52: especially against cars SORRY SORRY DueyDecimal: ...Oh, you meant cats. How charming.

"Many ninja kept unfoldable bamboo cars with them to escape after their mission, of course now and then you crash into other ninja, it does happen." She picks up a dog biscuit power-up that can lure the guards away, or bonk them into each other if they try to go for the same one at once!

Once she's lured the guards away, a big mean dog with a spiked collar shows up and starts patrolling; the object of this boss fight turns out to be luring the dog into attacking you so he gets barrels and crates stuck on his spikes!

"And now I can stand on him! The ultimate goal of any cat, to be on top of something taller than yourself.."

pigbarrel: a dream we all share HNV: I hope there isn't a basset hound bad guy, Bea will be mad Baconnaise: And then they jump and destroy the christmas tree Glockroach: Our cat mauled the hell out of Santa one year, it was a mess. jelly everywhere

The dog goes crashing through the wall in panic, and a sack on a chain is lowered from the ceiling-. There's a tiny calico kitten in it! Apparently Felinja is a daddy looking for his family-- the silhouettes of six more kittens appears on the Level Complete screen.

aroseahorseboy: oh thank god it wasn't creepy or some kind of awful metaphor

"No these are the seven kittens you slew in betrayal to your clan, you're just collecting their vengeful spirits so they can- BIRD NINJA! BIRD NINJA CUTE LITTLE BIRDY NINJA!"

The title screen shows two muscular guys in tight shirts posing with guns, and that's definitely what you get in the game. Both of them are available to play and you can swap between them at the press of a button: one punches and kicks, while the other uses weapons. The object of the game is to infiltrate a giant flying fortress crawling with enemy soldiers!

Glockroach: Where's Bacon for this HNV: This is what she's been waiting for for, what, sixty games now?

"What the- why don't they both use guns, what's even the point of the one guy-" she suddenly figures out how to grab and throw one soldier into another! "Ooohohohohho, yeahhh"

"I will beat the key card outta ya, c'mere- nope, that's a trap, AGH!"

A little experimentation reveals that the gunner, Dorado, is good for more than just shooting-- he can also disarm traps, and hack into various elevators and other parts of the structure! But the fighter, Lupus, is the most agile, able to jump higher and do cool swings between platforms. The key to the game seems to be knowing who's right for the situation!

DueyDecimal: This reminds me of Strider! Syrupentine: I was thinking Bionic Commando... DueyDecimal: That too!

She manages to lure and trap a whole bunch of guards in a side room, slipping out to lock the door behind them! "Hey! How's the weather in there guys. Probably really smelly, cause you're all in there!"

She has to shoot her way past a few more sentry turrets, and a boss that's a pair of ninjas- also a grappler and projectile duo! Or is it the same ninja switching costumes?

"If I shoot him when he's in punch mode he just dodges by..turning into a log, like a ninja do! I want to see the original ninja scrolls for that, see if I can use it to trick my dogs"

Llord_Kuruku: This is like a Van Damme movie come to life but with way better special effects

This one starts with a dark title screen showing a hypodermic needle and a stethoscope: a medical theme is apparent.

When Bea begins the game, there's a few lines of text:

[A NEW DISEASE IS JUST BECOMING KNOWN.]

[DIAGNOSE EACH PATIENT AND DETERMINE THEIR SYMPTOMS.] [THE REAL PATIENTS ARE VERY HUNGRY.]

"No... no, I don't think so" Bea tries to exit but the chat explodes in protest!

"Fine, the sanctity of my stomach is clearly not important to any of you, let's move on!"

DueyDecimal: Finally some answers about those worms!

Syrupentine: Bea I'm with you on the gross thing but just a couple minutes okay?

Glockroach: Suck it up, soldier

The game itself is quite simple: a line of patients passes across the screen, one at a time per screen, and the player must choose what treatment to give them. If they're coughing, you give them the cough syrup; If they have spots, give them the hypodermic needle.

The danger is that you have to look away from the patient to look at your clipboard, and when you look back, sometimes the patient has different symptoms you hadn't seen before!

"Seems simple enough... Ok ma'am you look like you just have zits.. wait, no!! she wasn't coughing before!? did I give her a wrong thing??"

TaichouSenseiKun: She looks more pale than before too

Bea you don't have a green thumb at all!

After the third person Bea treats, the first person returns: looks like Bea did her good, she gets to stamp her with a clean bill of health! That's a big points bonus, too!

The fourth person, however, is extremely pale, and shivering, and the speech window says:

["Got anything to eat?"]

"It's okay Taichou you can kiss my butt later! We gotta worry about this guy. He's hungry! we should give him a tasty helping of WORM DEATH!" Where's the right medicine! or the right procedure..

Once you check off all the symptoms on your clipboard, the letters turn red and the message appears: QUARANTINE.

"Oh... all right, well.. off with ya then!"

Baconnaise: Great beaside manner, bed

Two people dressed in hazmat suits come to take the frightened patient away! The next one to come in looks scared too-- she must have seen what happened to the last one.

In fact, once Bea checks her clipboard to check off the symptoms, she's gone by the time you look up!

"This is obviously going to get more difficult... Hey!! I... I mean I don't want to send her off if I don't HAVE to, but if I don't.."

The next one that seems unwell, she just checks all the symptoms off as quickly as she can!

"Oooo i done bad.. I done really bad.."

berd_snurglar: nah he looks pretty sick. a nice healthy pink sick

Next one up is the second one you treated, who looks familiar... and not just because you've treated him before. That rictus grin, those unfocused eyes... the blue tinge to the skin.

Glockroach: Real good Bea, you made a Spumco out of the man

"I thought I sent him to be unwormed!! What do you want again, horrible zombish man?!"

The text in the speech box is jiggly and hard to read:

["TELL THEM I'M NOT SICK."]

pigbarrel: a spanko. spank him for his lies

Bea tries to have him sent back to quarantine! Oh, here's the third patient again...

This one looks fine! Pink cheeks, big smile... but something's squirming under its skin.

HNV: I don't think that's something you can check off-- oh wait there it is.

"I long for the charm of Surgeon Simulator.." says Bea, getting visibly uncomfortable! "Uuuugh come on guys you know I can barely do Trauma Center!"

berd_snurglar: the pixels make it better

"THEY MAKE IT WORSE!!"

As soon as Bea looks down at her clipboard, there's a red POP effect from above. "I'm gonna switch views again and squint through my fingers and you guys can give me the details.."

Syrupentine: STOP PLAYING THIS GAME. >____<

When she sees something is still moving on screen, off the game goes!!

HNV: Well, the good news is, that was a game over…

DueyDecimal: Thanks for being brave for us, Bea

Bee52: but you're probably glad you didn't see that

Baconnaise: She'll have to edit this later. there is no escape bea

Does that even count as a pun? Either way, that's what you are-- a cone-hatted wizard with a robe and staff, and you're fighting your way through the desert with your ability to freeze the floor and create ice blocks! You can't defeat enemies by yourself, but you can make them collide and defeat each other, or drop ice blocks onto each other, so there's puzzle elements as well as side-scrolling action!

"This is a game for a hot day. PLEASE destroy me with ice, I deserve it!" Bea takes another sip of ice tea, running dangerously low in this weather. "Sorry I'm not talking much but this is just nicely designed and feels so relaxing to play."

A boss where you have to make a living statue slip and fall almost gets the better of her, but she sticks it out!

DueyDecimal: This is like a platformer version of Solomon's Key, kind of? Or, more accurately, Fire & Ice!

It's definitely getting harder as the levels go on, because it's getting hotter! A thermometer in the corner is climbing, and the higher it is, the shorter your ice blocks last. They last longer if you block them together, though!