Mulder’s whole “do you think I’m spooky?” Thing resonates with me so bad because I struggle so much with the social aspect of life, I’ve never been super successful with friendships, and then when I am they just slowly stop talking to me and I don’t know why, and I often feel like I’m too much (or “spooky”) to people, so a lot of times I’ll earn people about myself or say stuff like “I’m sorry I am so awkward” or “I’m so bad at this” because I feel the need to apologize for the sheer act of Not Being Perfect™️ socially. I too am just a weird person who’s trying to make a difference in the world, doesn’t really have any fucking clue what the heck they’re doing, and just wants someone to stick around. I’ve always also been the person who doesn’t really have that many friends, just a few close friends and then they eventually stop talking to me and then I have nobody. Anyways I see so much of myself in both Mulder and Scully that it’s probably concerning but the way he’ll say something and then everyone will just stop and look at him, I’ve done that. The way that when he knows someone’s upset with him and he’s uncomfortable with it and maybe knows there’s nothing he can do about it and so he either tries to make them laugh or talk so much he’ll distract them from being mad because he maybe doesn’t know how to be comfortable with people he’s close to being mad at him but he talks so much that the people get even more annoyed. I get that. And the way that his childhood still messes with him to this day, I get that. And the way he isolates himself from everyone else, I mean he’s literally in the basement away from everyone else, and then tries to joke about it “Nobody down here but the FBI’s most unwanted.” I GET THAT. And the way that when something goes wrong his first two thoughts are “comfort everyone” and “find a way to fix it” I get that. And the way he completely isolated himself and shuts down when he’s upset but also encourages everyone else around him to open up. He’s consistently prioritizing everyone else before himself to the point where it becomes destructive. And I get that. And the way that if he convinces himself of something sometimes it’s so hard to get him out of that loop, that spiral.
I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever related to so many aspects of characters the way I do with these two, I feel so seen between the both of them. “But they’re fictional characters!” Shhh I use fiction to cope with shit.
I’ve never seen such beautifully messy and real and human characters before, nothing of them is “smoothed over” or “made to be more like-able to the audience,” they’re just real. As much as fictional characters can be. And the fact that they found a person who sees that and loves them that much, even platonically (I know their love is not platonic but I’m aromantic and if I’m ever in a relationship I want the type of love they have) gives me hope that I’ll eventually find people who can love every aspect of me like that instead of thinking I’m.. well, spooky.
