Feb 7
I'm feeling numb again. Lets see if i feel nothing or everything all at once.
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I'm feeling numb again. Lets see if i feel nothing or everything all at once.
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Can't wait till the day, way in the furure, when I get to be an embarrassing, drunk, Mum in front of my Teen Daughter/Son absolutely blasting Grillz by Nelly dancing like one of those blow up men out front of car dealerships.
I feel numb and about to shatter into a million pieces all at the same time.
Infodumping to my dad about centipedes and how easy they are to care for and how I want one as a pet, but he immediately spins it into a lecture on me being lazy and not having a job.
"If you want that as a pet, then I'm not paying for its cage, food, or whatever else it needs. You have to get a job and do it yourself."
I wasn't asking you to get me a centipede? I was just sharing my excitement with you. You were excited to talk about bugs with me too? Why are you yelling...
If anyone cares, Centipedes groom their partners during copulation to ease the stress of mating and boost the chances of fertilizing their eggs.
Ugh, my dad is such an arrogant bastard.
You can't even say you did something you enjoyed around him without him saying "Well I'm glad YOU enjoyed _____ thing. But when do I det to do something that I enjoy?"
He gets so jealous over people succeeding, or enjoying something, or god forbid having the time to do things. A few months ago I was having a really bad POTS episode and decided to take a small nap so i could focus on my school and not feel like absolute shit.
When I told him "Oh, I wasn't feeling good so I took a small nap to feel a little better." He later admitted (while intoxicated. aka drunk confessions are sober thoughts) "You have ALLL the time in the world, don't you? You get to take naps, slack off, play your little games, draw all the time. Well, when do I get that? When do I get to be as privileged and spoiled as you?"
Even last night! he was ranting to me about our family group chat and how a family member posted a bunch of photos of their kids on vacation, and he full heartedly, and mockingly said: "I don't want to see pictures of your vacation unless your bringing us along. It just rubs salt in the wound that I don't get to do that."
How entitled can you fucking be?? How about you feel grateful that your child (Who is still growing and is technically disabled) managed to get out of bed, do school, and decide to be mature and take a nap to power through the day. Or feel grateful that despite a family member's hardships, they can bond as a family and explore the world before their kids grow up!
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I'm supposed to feel safe when my boyfriend comes over...
But every single time I get to hang out with the love of my life, im constantly shaking inside. I don't want to worry him, because we're supposed to be having fun and making memories. But I have to hide my trembles, my fast heart rate, and the urge to cry.
Because when my boyfriend goes home, I'll be yelled at. For my boyfriend being trans. For me being gay. For However my boyfriend acted that pissed of my dad in some way. For being a lazy piece of shit. For failing school. For everything.
I'm so fucking done with this house.
Do you know how stressful it is to see you drink? How long have I've spent in the bathroom, harming myself, and taking more medication than I should take just to feel okay?!?
"I already knew."
Do you remember when you pushed me uo against the wall of my bedroom, and yelled and nearly spat in my face because I made a cake with frosting instead of a warm dinner?!
"I remember."
Oh...
Kinda gotta vent because i'm anxious </3
I fucking hate that I can't feel safe even when my boyfriend comes over. It used to be that when he came over, I could finally let loose. I can put down the Fears and emotional baggage I've been carrying for the past week and just content myself to bask in his presence. It was so simple then.