#drunk!hannibal

“What is it?” Hannibal asked sitting up on the harpsichord bench, somewhat alarmed.

“Let’s play a board game.”

Hannibal raised an eyebrow, looking unimpressed.

“Come on. We’ll make it interesting and play for something.”

“Play for something?” Hannibal asked.

What progressed was a stalemate game of chess, followed by an unfinished game of backgammon, leading to gin rummy, which then made Will fish out his deck of Uno cards. After the first round, Hannibal got the hang of the game and became ruthless.

“Skip, Skip, Reverse, and Draw Two,” Hannibal said.

“Christ! Cut me some slack, will you?”

Hannibal grinned, “So, about that playing for something…”

“Shit. What do you have planned, Doctor?”

“If I win, then you will properly walk Encephalitis for the next two days.”

“Fine. Done. And if I win…”

“Yes?”

“I can get you completely drunk.”

Hannibal wrinkled his nose, “With what?”

Will glanced toward their bar, “Hmmm…not sure. I get to decide after.”

“Agreed – but keep in mind that I have two cards left, while you, precious Mongoose, have five.”

“I’m not afraid of you, Lecter.”

Hannibal shrugged, “As you wish, Will.”

Hannibal slapped down a red five and elegantly said in a perfect accent, “Uno.”

Will then looked at Hannibal for a moment and threw down a Draw Two, Skip, Reverse, Draw Two and said, “Uno to you!”

Hannibal looked at the cards, back at Will, and then at the five cards he currently held, as Will triumphantly placed a Draw Four card on the table and said, “Bottoms up, my love.”

Will rummaged through the bar cart in the study as he had already decided wine would NOT be on the menu. Hannibal could handle his wine. Brandy? No. Whiskey? He wasn’t going to waste his good whiskey on getting Hannibal plastered. Bailey’s? How did that get there? Grappa? Gross. Why did they even have grappa in the house? Grappa it would be. Will grabbed the long bottle by the neck and walked back toward the kitchen.

Hannibal stood by the window, watching as his herb garden became inundated with the rain that refused to relent. Will walked up quietly behind him, and pushed the back of Hannibal’s knees inward using his own knees, causing Hannibal to suddenly lurch forward and bump his forehead on the window.

“Will!”

“Jesus! I’m sorry,” Will said trying to muffle the laughter. “I didn’t mean for you to get hurt.”

Hannibal rubbed his forehead and replied looking at Will with equal parts confusion and annoyance, “Well, I suppose I am glad you weren’t aiming for actual pain. Imagine what you would have done then.” Hannibal eyed the bottle in Will’s hand, “What’s this then?”

Will smiled and thrust it forward toward Hannibal, “Grappa. Are you ready?” he asked shaking the bottle slightly.

“Will, why do we even have grappa in the house?”

“I have no idea, but this is what you’ll be drinking.”

Hannibal rolled his eyes, “Fine. Let’s begin,” he said with a sigh.

+++

Will wasn’t sure exactly how he had gotten involved in the drinking shenanigans but soon the grappa was gone (in what had been a Marion “Raiders of the Lost Ark” drinking scene reenactment), a bottle of prosecco had been emptied, and Hannibal was now busy making their third round of Moscow Mules using the Stumbras vodka that he had been saving for something or another. Will knew that mixing liquor was a bad idea but he was too far gone and much too much in a good mood to really give a shit.

“Aren’t these supposed to be in a copper mug, Doctor Etiquette?” Will asked as he sat on the kitchen counter, swinging his legs and sucking on a lime wedge.

“Užsičiaupk, my precious. Drink…” Hannibal said with a huge smile as he handed Will a glass with a thin slice of lime floating on top. Will took a sip and closed his eyes, “This is sooooo good, Hanners.”

“Right?” Hannibal responded as he took his glass. He walked over to the Sonos, put down his Moscow Mule and said, “Okay, Mongus, what do you wanna hear?”

Will looked at Hannibal and snorted, “Holy shit. Did you just call me Mongus?”

“What? Don’t be absurd. I don’t even know what a Mongus is,” Hannibal replied as he scrolled through his cell phone menu to pick a song.

“If you play something classical, I swear to god I might actually fall asleep,” Will said and began to gulp his drink.

“No. There will be no sleeping. Okie dork, then,” Hannibal said as he messily wagged a finger at Will. “No classical music…o viešpatie, William! The other night, I dreamt I was Igor Stravinsky the other night.”

“Honey,” Will said crunching on some ice, a few chunks flying out of his mouth as he spoke, “you know I don’t speak Lithuanian.”

“Tai buvo taip keista…” Hannibal said with a far off look of wonder in his eye. He then poured himself a shot of Stumbras and slammed it down.

“English, s'il vous plaît,” Will said as he jumped off the counter and landed on his bum.

Hannibal looked at Will on the floor and laughed, “Jūs esate žavinga!” then poured himself another shot. He drank it and said, “Wasn’t I doing something? I know I was doing something...”

“Not helping my ass up, that’s for sure,” Will said as he rolled on his side and pushed himself up clumsily.

“Music! Yes, music.” Hannibal grabbed his cell phone to look through their playlists, when Will heard his cell ring in the other room. Will crawled from the kitchen over to the end table in the living room, cleared his throat once and answered, “This is Martin…”

“What do you want to listen to?” Hannibal asked as his voice came in through Will’s cell phone.

Will snorted once again and muttered into the phone, “You dumbass.” He ended the call and then crawled back to the kitchen where Hannibal was doubled over in laughter. He looked at Will, pointed and said, “Taip, bet aš priklausau tau.”

Josephine Baker’s “La Conga Blicoti” began to filter into the kitchen. Hannibal reached out a hand to Will whose face bloomed a gigantic smile. Hannibal took Will’s hand in his, placed the other on Will’s waist, and they then began to dance a couple’s conga in their kitchen.

“One, two, three, conga,” Will said. “Three steps and a tap to the side…one, two, three conga.”

“You know who we have to thank for my dancing prowess?” Hannibal asked. Both Will and Hannibal replied in unison, as the piano conga continued, “The Peabody Institute!”

Hannibal stopped and dipped Will, taking the opportunity to nibble on his neck. Will quickly responded by screeching, “Ugh! Pick me up, pick me up. I’ll barf if you keep holding me like this.”

Hannibal lifted Will up instantly, and let go, then began to shimmy and sing along with Josephine Baker, “De sentir la musique danser et moi dit ils. Le monde a des gens voyez…”

Will leaned against the counter and breathed slowly in and out, “Okay, I’m okay. You damn, gorgeous nut. Don’t you need some bananas to do that dance?”

“Will, I would like to kiss you,” Hannibal said dancing to the last bit of the song.

“And?”

“Promise me you will not...barf in my mouth if I do.”

“I’ll be fine. Just aim for the Will in the middle.”

Hannibal leaned in and messily planted a kiss on half of Will’s mouth. Will couldn’t help but laugh and said, “You’re pretty.”

“Yes, I am aware,” Hannibal said and wagged his eyebrows.

Will walked to the counter and poured them each a shot of vodka as he said, “This is probably not the best idea, but what the fuck.”

Hannibal shrugged and mumbled, “What the fuck, indeed.”

+++

Hannibal and Will were sprawled on their backs on the living room floor, eating Carr's table water crackers straight from the box. Encephalitis was snoozing quietly near them on the couch.

“You know what would be nice? If the room weren’t so...tilty,” Will said, cracker crumbs flying out of his mouth.

Hannibal nibbled around the entire edge of a cracker, lost in thought, said, “Did you know that in Paris they had a motorcycle that drove around the Champs-Élysées and picked up dog doo-doo with a vacuum?” He then began to laugh quietly.

Will, equally lost in his own thoughts, shoved two crackers in his mouth and said, “Did you know that the Inflationary Theory has a number of unfounded hypotheses?” He paused then began to laugh hysterically and said, “You said ‘doo-doo’!”

The two then turned toward each other, cackling like a pair of complete idiots completely in love with each other.

+++

“Are you sure you’re sober enough to do this? I don’t want it soft and soggy. It’ll drip out of my mouth.”

“Yes, William. I am not that far gone. You’ll love it and be begging for more.”

Hannibal took the spatula and flipped the grill cheese he had melting in the frying pan over with finesse as Will applauded with much enthusiasm.

“Do it again, love,” Will said with glee. Hannibal complied and with a flick of the wrist sent the sandwich into the air, and they both watched as it landed on the floor with a loud slap.

“Oh,” Hannibal said quietly.

Encephalitis ran in, scooped it up in her mouth, and skedaddled before either could react.

“My grilled cheese,” Will said mournfully.

“I’ll make you another. Willgoose, the butter,” Hannibal said.

“Wait! You don’t want to get greasy and dirty and greasy. Wait. Grease,” Will said.

Hannibal nodded, “Yes, yes, of course,” as he watched Will dash out of the kitchen and come back with a pair of running shorts.

“Here, put these on,” Will dropped to his knees and began divesting Hannibal of his pants, while Hannibal sipped his glass of wine. Hannibal fearing a loss of balance, held onto Will’s head tightly with one hand.

“Jesus! My head is connected you know, and I can’t murderize anyone if I can’t see.” Will said as Hannibal’s thumb poked him in the eye. “I’m not Daredevil, you know.”

“Will, I have no idea what that is,” Hannibal mumbled as Will pulled up the shorts. “But my shirt?”

Will stumbled to the one of the drawers in the kitchen and pulled out an apron, “Da-ta!” He shoved the apron toward Hannibal causing him to spill the wine he had been drinking, all over his shirt.

“Oh dear,” Hannibal said as he looked at his shirt and put the now empty wine glass on the counter. “This was monogrammed...”

“Honey, everything you own is monogrammed. It’s like you’re five or something,” Will said and then slipped the apron over Hannibal’s head while Hannibal unbuttoned his shirt. Once he had it off, Will shoved the shirt into the dishwasher and laughed.

“That was one of my favorite shirts,” Hannibal pouted.

“Oh, fine. I’ll make it up to you -- whatever you want, my love, is yours,” Will said as he booped Hannibal on the nose.

“Anything?” Hannibal asked tying the apron around his waist.

Will planted a kiss on Hannibal’s shoulder and said, “Yes, siree bob. Anything. All you have to do is say so.”

“Good, I’ll put that in my mental Rolodex.”

“M’kay,” Will replied.

“Who would like another grilled cheese?” Hannibal yelled out.

+++

The morning came in strong and relentless as the rain beat down on both the bedroom windows, and what sounded like the inside of Will and Hannibal’s ears. The incredibly drunk duo had miraculously managed to make their way to their bed but last night’s activities were definitely not kind to them this morning, and even waking up in their bed was of no help. Will groaned and Hannibal barely mustered a sad, “Būk ramus…”

Encephalitis whined and nudged Will’s feet, which were dangling off the bed. After a few moments, she barked twice. Will jumped up, and instantly regretted his action.

“Oh...my god,” he said as he gripped his pounding head. “Shhhh! Please, girl...just shush.” He looked over toward Hannibal who, for some unknown reason, was wearing a pair of Adidas shorts, and an apron to bed. His eyes remained closed, breathing somewhat shallow.

Will gingerly touched Hannibal’s thigh, “Are you okay? Still alive?”

Hannibal groaned and covered his face with his arm, “Sadly, yes,” he croaked out.

Will felt as though he had been sucking cotton balls all night, and licked his lips, as Encephalitis stared anxiously at him.

“Fine, I’ll let you out.” Will said as he stumbled out of bed, still drunk.

“Will…”

“Hmmm,” Will replied as he leaned on the doorjamb.

“Don’t you mean, ‘Fine, I will go walk you?’”

“What?”

“Fine, I will go walk you.”

Will was suddenly stuck with a vague recollection of him saying Anything. All you have to do is say so. Will stopped and stared at Hannibal, took a deep breath and said, “In all the time I’ve known you, and all the things you’ve said and done, including framing me for murder and trying to eat my brain...this is by far the meanest.”

Hannibal looked at Will through squinted eyes and said sweetly, “I love you,” then rolled over onto his side.

Also on AO3…

Užsičiaupk = Shut up

O viešpatie = Oh my god

Tai buvo taip keista = It was so strange

Jūs esate žavinga = You're adorable

Taip, bet aš priklausau tau = Yes, but I belong to you

Josephine Baker’s “La Conga Blicoti”