#dropsintheocean

"I want you as you are, not as you ought to be Won't you lay down your guard and come to me The shame that grips you now is crippling It breaks my heart to see you suffering I'm not against you How far my love can go Just how deep, just how wide If want to see How much you mean to me Look at my hands, look at my side If you could count the times I say you are forgiven It's more than the drops in the ocean When I'm the only love that changes you It's time that we start again Cause I am for you If you want to know Don't think you need to settle for a substitute Open your heart"

Second place. 99. Second-string. Supporting role. What do these all have in common? They all come so close to perfection, so close to completion, so close to acceptance, but just not quite there...you know what else? They all are followed by this gut-wrenching feeling of "so close, but so far!"

This is the exact feeling I get when it comes to my role in life...I work so hard; I work my butt off, but in the end, I fall short. I get real close, and then I just pull to second place. 

If you don't know me, one of my worst weaknesses is I'm a people-pleaser. I hate disappointing people; I hate seeing that look on their face that says, "how could you?" Now don't get me wrong; I wasn't always like this...as a kid, I did the right thing purely because it was the right thing. I had this innocent little mind that connected good deeds with good rewards. As I grew up though, Satan twisted that little mind of mine and used it against me. When you grow up, unfortunately positive reinforcement (increasing behavior by increasing an activity) is replaced with negative punishment, (decreasing behavior by decreasing an activity). So instead of adjusting, I stayed stuck in the mentality of getting rewards when I did something good, however, the "reward' evolved into approval/acceptance --- from my parents, my sister, and my friends. I felt that if I did good, if I fulfilled their happiness, did whatever made them happy, then I receive a reward --- the reward of what I believed was love.

With that little background, you'll understand then how devastated I was this evening...

It's Friday. That means its chore day. I have been slacking pretty much the whole last year and it did not make my mom happy. So I bucked up and promised, even showed her my alarm, that every Friday I would start my chores at 12:30pm and finish it all that day. Well, she held on to that promise, and boy was she disappointed when i didn't follow through at 12:30pm. You should've seen her face as she spoke about how the house is not what it used to be (referring to the time when she was still able to clean it on her own) and how it isn't at all what she envisioned...It just about killed me to know that I was the source of that disappointment. As a result, I didn't go to bed. I stayed up and finished my chores. I'm now sitting in my bed at 3 in the morning writing down my thoughts.

Anyways, on top of all this, my sister...

I love her to death; I do, but in the past 20 years, I have messed up BAD. I am pretty much the worst sister...I've been really trying to change, to repair the damage, and things have been pretty good. We've had some bumps for the past 2-3 weeks, but it always ends up working out! Unfortunately, things are not always what they seem to be on the outside. Tonight, I realized that though things seem to be going okay, I'm still "second place" in my sister's eyes. She has this perfect sister in mind, and I always come short. She can quickly come to the defense of others, but when it comes to me, it's like "you should know better"...it really sucks.

As guilt and shame flooded my heart tonight, this song came to mind by Hawk Nelson. I began playing it on repeat as I did my chores and as I sat to do the laundry, still playing it, I found myself just weeping in brokenness...

God wants me to grow, to become more like Him, but it doesn't mean He loves or wants me any less. So often, I feel that with every disappointment that I create in the lives of those around me by not growing to be the person that they perceive I "ought to be", I'm less and less wanted, and more and more of a burden. I'll admit, there have been times I wanted to just pack my bags and run away, thinking that it would just make their lives so much easier. Now this isn't at all what they mean; my parents love me! It's really just me...I think and ponder. I exaggerate the look on their faces and it just creates this passionate desire to "fix" things.

The guilt and the shame "cripple" me. I find myself wanting to give up. Tonight, I almost did. I was so close to speaking to a girl I believed would be a better sister to my sister, believing that it was just too late for our relationship. I wanted to just give her the talk about caring for my sister the way I never could, to make sure she's there for her, and just look out for her. I was so close...but God kept reminded me of Mark 10:23-31. Christ talks about how difficult it is for a rich man to be transformed, but it isn't impossible because nothing is impossible with Him. I can't give up on myself. God is transforming me...it's difficult to get past the wall of the past, but it is possible.

God loves me. He saw me tonight and my struggle to fight the guilt and shame, to take hold of His last word --- tetelestia. In one word, all sin, all guilt, all shame, all mistakes were FINISHED! On that cross, He could see me today, all my sin, all my failures, all the disappointment I cause, but He saw me as valuable and it was seen as He went so far as to give up His life for me...