#neweresth

15/September 2023

Is there anything worth of sharing? 

How easily you can miss something. Addicted to the feeling, that something makes you feel a certain way. Why.

I've spent a couple of nights at my grandpa's place. I've had a couple of strange dreams. And it made me think - is it the place? I guess sometimes, when people leave this place to the place next door, the place still holds and accumulates the energy. The way we understand death. The way we understand life. Since I felt kind of uncomfortable there, just to my own satisfaction I tried to imagine a layers of light around my sleeping body, to repel anything I didn't want to meet in my dreams or to take away my life force. But just being scared is enough as an invitation. What is it that makes you want to stay.

It's funny. In a span of time you will realise that it's for the best...that something happened or didn't happen. 

It was around the last full moon, when I questioned my sanity again.  Absorbed in feelings that were mine, weren't they. I don't even know. Since I believe in the possibility of everything. The existence of someone else - I think I do that a lot, reading energy of other people, and accepting it as mine without realisation. Maybe I'm getting better at differentiating what is mine and what is yours....on the one hand I can be completely delusional, but on the other hand I know...what...And I laugh to my own perception of reality. How do I let go. Can you just read my mind. If you know, you just know. And yet everything is a part of everything. 

Wishful thinking.

Sometimes I wish to be more ambitious, to want something from life. Maybe I want something, but I'm not confident enough, or maybe I don't believe I'm capable of doing what I want. Maybe this is it ...to own one's existence. It will take some time. It's just the beginning. Rewriting the code.

...these days I'm trying to pick all those vegetables we grew this year, and I'm kind of tired of eating fresh tomatoes. I've made more blackberry jam than last year. (I think I made none, haha.) And there's so much more to do. I'm kind of tired, but than I'm happy.

It's the second summer since I moved back to my parents. It's the second time that I've tried to grow my own vegetables. Now I know what I want to do better next season, haha.

Last year I planted a couple of apple trees, currants and gooseberries. Those apple trees are quite small and young, but to my surprise one of them is growing two fruits. It's my pride, haha. And the shrubs are really generous with berries. Slugs are having a party, like any other time. And sometimes I think about, how selfish it is to take so much from the nature, is there anything I'm giving back. Is there any other way.

It feels like a hobby, I'd be probably hungry if I was to rely on the produce of my trying.