That's just infuriating....a crash out is valid here. We all know the infernal experience of typing up something long and thought-out just for it to disappear, be it due to browser crashing or disconnecting WiFi.
To be fair, I wonder how often PM!Dazai/Beastzai would use charm and seduction as compared to outright fear and intimidation. We've seen that he's well capable of both; handsome and charming enough to seduce or persuade anyone with his silver tongue, but frightening enough with a demonic stare. I always thought that as he'd use seduction back as a mafioso, whatever the physical pleasure (he has the body of a human, after all) his mind would be detached and observe with contempt, or in a similar way a scientist would observe a trapped insect or butterfly under glass.
I digress; he'd certainly not be showing up at the hospital with flowers and a thank you, lmao, as you said. They've fulfilled their purpose. Although I suppose, considering Dazai's relationship with Ango, there might've been more complicated feelings there. He orchestrated that car to crash into them to force Ango into cooperation - Dazai's airbag inflated and Ango's never did. It was a decision made during a dangerous conflict, so fair enough - although I often think about the fact that it was Ango, Dazai's former friend. (The fact that Dazai figured out Ango's true motives early on but never said anything until later and continued to be friends with him...)
Dazai is a category unto himself, sometimes. He's definitely driven atrociously just to piss off Chuuya before, as you said. But as for Akutagawa....well, he wouldn't need much convincing in the first place. There was this sort story when Akutagawa downed a glass of alcohol in order to impress Dazai and immediately became drunk, passing out. One of the times I remember Dazai looking a bit wide-eyed (then it panned to a scene of current ADA Dazai watching current Akutagawa refuse a drink/not drink alcohol [without Akutagawa's knowledge, of course] and muse with a smile on his face "Still a lightweight, huh...." That smile always came off as rather nostalgic or reminsicing to me. Anyways, wildly off topic, but Dazai and Akutagawa's relationship is by far one - if not the most - of my favourite relationships in the entirety of BSD.)
Ooh, yours is super interesting. I see what you mean by pmzai - I definitely get the silly, lazy aspect to an extent. He's lazy in the silly way and doesn't bother to extent unnecessary effort. However, I feel her shows to sides to that - one that we're talking about, lazy and silly (but still unnerving), the other intensely depressed, demonic, and frightening (still on pmzai btw). I do agree that he showed this latter side less for a while, he was more unnerving in his lazy silliness with those bottomless dark eyes of his.
So a Bosszai who is doubly depressed, melancholic, and a hollow shell? That's very interesting - so Dazai never left the mafia? He still had Odasaku up till 18, then slit Mori's throat and assumed his position? In that case, I can see him being like that - an empty shell and miserable. The majority of his subordinates would be even more terrified of him.
It's honestly been a long time since my sleep-deprived brain has read the Dark Era novel, but I don't recall that, although I could very well be mistaken.
The shipping container was given to him by Mori, if I recall correctly. So would that not be a form of having ties to the man in itself? He could've bought a new apartment with his hefty paycheck, which he certainly already used for food, bandages, alcohol, etc. I always read it as him not being bothered to buy a new one even when he had the money - just, why bother? It's not the same as sleeping on the streets, everything is meaningless anyway, why bother getting an apartment, of all things?
I thought Dazai's relationship with Mori was relatively fine up until the death of Odasaku - the two understood each other far too well. They were described as being bound by a common destiny. They weren't the picture of coddling mentor and mentee (if you can even call them that) but there was a mutual understanding and dependence and I figured they remained okay up until Odasaku's death. Mori described several times as having pretty much met his match - Mori is definitely above average intelligence, shrewd and cunning, but a 15 year old Dazai was one he realised he'd misjudged, and that the boy was far too intelligent. And I believe at some point Dazai said something along the lines of even himself having to tread carefully around Mori. Even when Odasaku died, Dazai, despite his own feelings over it, understood Mori's logic, reasoning out that Mori was logically right and he was logically wrong, because that decision made strategic sense and was advantageous. That was a long spiel but yea lol, I'd be curious to hear your own personal thoughts and interpretations on this.
For Dazai owing Mori anything...hmm, ngl they were both mutually dependent on each other in a way. Dazai as the witness plus a huge reason for the Port Mafia's huge increase in income and efficiency.... I want to expand but it's 3 am and my brain refuses to cooperate.
I think his entire method is very much weighing up the outcome and benefits. You're right, pain and inconvenience are huge factors, unless the outcome outweighs it. I want to expand but my brainnn
yes, a calling card or persona. like being "something" anon xD I have quite a few for different people, but my regular one here is already taken, so I'm thinking. lowkey considered being driving anon lmaoo
long read under the cut:
oh, this beautiful novel of a thought. i waited until i could get to my laptop and return the same energy to avoid risk of losing anything i wanted to say.
it's funny you mention the thought of dazai detaching himself from any potential physical pleasure if seduction and sex called for it - i have a headcanon that he trained himself to "turn it off" (his pleasure sensors more or less) to withstand questioning/interrogation, using it as essentially a weapon while in the mafia. it was something he had to do in order to get through whatever it was necessary to get information he needed, something that was "just part of the job". i even headcanon it carries with him into his ada life sometimes without him realizing it. i believe he combines the seduction with the fear, since it's such a vulnerable state to be in, and no one else has the ability to shut down from it quite like he can. sometimes for him it's a blackout state of being. it begins, he blinks, and it's suddenly over.
i've said it before but dazai does crave connection, friendship and companionship. he just has the sociopathic tendencies to not put others' safety in the forefront because he was so used to using others in his plans as a means to an end. to me, he may have known what ango's intentions are, the friendship just mattered more to him. he enjoyed his time with him and oda, and i think it upset him just as much to have to cut ties. he let him live and walk away when i think under any other circumstance he would have shot him where he stood.
i think there is an underlying sense of guilt dazai feels for what he did to akutagawa, and instead of rectifying that with him, he puts all of that into atsushi, and it further complicates an already complicated relationship. but i think that's dazai's idea of "fixing things" is by abandoning "the broken toy" and taking better care of a "shiny new toy". but i agree, i like their relationship. i also agree that dazai is a complexity beyond comprehension - even to his creator.
i base my pm exec!dazai's actions dependent on his age. the older he gets and stays in the mafia, the more miserable and depressed he becomes - stand-offish, closing in on himself, stalking around, always wearing a grimace, more equivalent to his "black wraith" nickname. i think the key difference is at least there's the small glimmer of hope and relief he has that he isn't the boss, meaning there's still time to get out and it isn't all entirely over, so he still has some energy in him to be silly and laid back. his laziness stems from both the silliness and the depression - you can't get your frustrations out by putting pen to paper but gun to temple, so field work would be preferred.
i made up my own version of pm boss!dazai because i was deeply upset by beastzai dying so all i could think about is at some point he'll kill himself (because i'm mentally ill) and i didn't like that. i wondered what kind of person dazai would be if he never listened to oda and stayed in the mafia, and it only ends with him assassinating mori - as predicted - and taking over as the boss. he is more of a bitter man, mad at the world, that is married to his work because there's nothing else for him to focus on (i made this version up for personal projects as a just "what if"; this fake pm boss au i made up ended up becoming a favorite dazai of mine, and he isn't even remotely canon to the story). he is terrifying, feared amongst everyone, but they also are kind of just like "oh, boss is mad about something again" because he is so severely depressed that anything can easily trigger his anger and cause him to lash out. in comparison to 18zai, he'd be worse basically.
based on the information i found, it is never stated how or where dazai got the shipping container. it is simply considered abandoned. some people theorized mori kind of shoved him in there, but it wasn't "gifted" to him. i feel like at his age, he also couldn't get an apartment on his own since he was young. idk the laws in japan as far as residency goes, but i would assume in order for dazai to get a better residence, he'd need an adult to sign off on it, and he wouldn't dare ask oda, so it'd leave mori - meaning he'd have to rely on mori to assist him in keeping the place until he turns 18 to have it in his name. which is why i think he finally got that better place to live when he was older - the one oda mentions briefly where dazai was inviting people over. again though, i could be wrong. this is all information i have seen other people say is canon from the light novels/mangas or other sources.
in my personal opinion, mori and dazai's relationship to me is an obsessive mentor that wants a predecessor he carved out himself to take over and a that same person is burdened with something he doesn't want. he even had a prediction that by the time dazai's 23 (if he stayed in the mafia) he'd assassinate him and take over as the port mafia's boss. i didn't see mutual respect, i saw power dynamics at play - dazai can do whatever he so pleases to an extent. to me, dazai didn't want to actually be in the mafia or stay in it, he just had done so much at that point leaving would risk putting him in jail. i don't think there was a "relationship", but a boss that is always five steps ahead and a protégé that didn't want to be one, so he pulled the rug right out from under him. dazai leaving was essentially a big "fuck you" to mori; mori didn't really like dazai's relationship to oda, and while his plan with using oda for mimic may have been "logical", it was still a low blow, especially to tell dazai that the loss of oda's life is more or less a price to pay for the things he wants with his mafia. in my eyes, oda's life being treated merely as a pawn in an otherwise avoidable tragedy was the final straw for dazai and he decided to bounce to fulfill his best friend's dying wish. it's also incredibly clear that dazai couldn't stand mori during the agency/mafia meet up to deal with the guild. there was no mutual respect, it was whoever was going to pull the trigger first and mori chose to do so but aimed it at what would hurt dazai most.
i think something to remember is dazai's 14 at the beginning of his story when we meet him. he isn't even officially in the mafia when he witnesses the death of the former boss, and he has to keep that secret with him his entire life. i'd hardly call that dependency because mori has the means of disposing dazai if he truly felt it necessary - he's evil, i mean look at what he did to yosano. dazai's dependency on mori was more along the lines of an adult in his life to oversee him to some extent so he doesn't actually die or harm himself too badly. i wouldn't call mori a "father figure" but just someone to put a signature on the permission slip for a school field trip is the best way i can describe it. mori did like how much additional income and efficiency he gained from dazai while he was there, but clearly the mafia still stood and functioned when he left. that's how i see it at least. i know mori would have loved nothing more than for dazai to have stayed, but also it isn't like the organization would crumble without him - there's just the fear of dazai leaking whatever it is he has on it if he felt petty enough. nothing about their relationship strikes me as some sort of "mutual respect", more a "mutual tolerance".
i don't think my takes are good though since i allow emotions to speak louder than logic, or maybe i just have a lack of understanding, but i don't have nice things to say about mori, especially when it comes to how he handled yosano and dazai. at his core, he is a villain, and he is a good one, so hats off to that.
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Could I possibly get some advice on how to not be so hard on myself. I mean I am terrible for it, there are things I know I'm good and but as soon as I make one small mistake I just want to break down and cry. I'm awful for comparing myself to others. for ex. I'm always comparing my driving abilities to my Dads or my Brother's, even though they are been driving a lot longer then I have I should be as good as them but I'm not. How do I work around the idea that I'm not good at anything?
Hm. This is a…difficult thing to give advice on, since different methods work for everyone. Here’s a few things that I say to my friends or even to myself when things are working out well
I think it’s less about “working around” the idea, and almost…coming to terms with “not being the best”. Because you “not being the best” won’t always be the case.
Mistakes are okay: You’re human. Humans aren’t perfect. Mistakes can help you grow and become better at anything. For example, that’s why your brother and Dad are “better” at driving. Because they’ve been doing it for longer. I use this a lot when looking at my art. “I’m probably not as good as ________ because they have been drawing a lot longer than I am.” This isn’t always the case ofc, but 9/10 it usually is. Even if it isn’t the case though, “Hard work beats natural talent” - Rock Lee Yes I quoted Naruto fight me. Eventually, you WILL get better. That’s a proven fact.
5 years from now: Take a second next time you start to feel like your abilities are lacking and think: “In 5 years from now, will it matter that I’m not the best at __________” Whatever it is. Take driving: will it be that big of a deal that you aren’t the best at driving, when you look back to today 5 years from now? Probably not. After 5 years, you’ll have a lot more experience, maybe have a completely different job/friends/home etc. The chances that your driving ability is still the same or even as important to you is most likely 0%.
State and think about how to improve: “Next time.” “I’ll do this better.” “I’m learning and I will get better.” The more you tell yourself that you can get better, the more likely it is because you won’t let yourself settle for less. This way you are looking positively at your mistakes. Not just “aw man, this was bad” or “this time I wasn’t good enough”. Next time it will be.
Think of someone worse: I know this is horrible, but think about anyone. ANYONE. Who is worse at you than ___________, or in your case, driving. The fact that you alone aren’t as bad as a driver as said person proves that you are already better at driving than someone else. In that vain, you will never be “not good at anything”. Everyone starts somewhere.
I think what I’m trying to say is, you should never feel that your abilities aren’t enough. Chances are, you are just not looking in the right direction or focusing on the worst parts. It’s not easy to overcome, trust me, but I think it’s definitely possible.
I wish you the best of luck. I know you can do this.
Red anon, Lemon anon, 3d anon (new), driving anon (new), midnights anon, 24 anon, kneecap anon (new)
Red Anon
Dear Cas,
It's been a while but I'm back! Not much of note has happened while I was gone. I've had my ups and downs but actually I have a very specific problem I want help with.
As you might know valentines day is in a few days. Well me and a three other friends (all 15-16f) decided to bring each other chocolates to school as a fun gift. The past week has been good. I've been pretty excited about getting them all the perfect chocolates based on what they like and they're the same. We talked about it daily even though we supposedly shouldn't let the others know.
A couple of days back I let my parents in the know. My mother and I had a conversation about what id choose and everything. The problem was my father. While he didn't try to stop me or anything he DID make some snide comments about how people might take it wrong and whatnot*. It was more teasing than anything and I brushed him off ta first but the closer the date comes the more anxious I get.
I guess my question is is it okay? Will people that see us think its weird? Can you confirm to me that the little voice in my head saying my friends will suddenly be weirded out by me and my sexuality besides being pretty supportive is straight up dumb?
*my father is homophobic but not exactly? He thinks there are bad gays and good gays and what not and he's pretty biphobic. Pretty against Trans people as well. Except it's not the type of homophobic that involves getting into fights and banning that stuff and yelling at people etc. like when I came out as a lesbian he didn't care/make a big deal about it and he doesn't like ban me from talking about girls or stop me from getting pride related things just makes like teasing remarks? Idk its really hard to explain sorry.
Hi!
I don't think there's anything wrong with getting your friends Valentine's gifts. Plenty of people do that and it's not a big deal at all. It's sweet and if anyone says anything, fuck them. I know I'm a day late with this but I saw so many people doing this yesterday so you definitely are not the only one
Also just because your dad doesn't get into fights doesn't mean his homophobia isn't harmful. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.
___________
Lemon Anon
Hi Cas a.k.a my favourite person on tumblr !
It's 🍋 anon again. Thank you for helping me out. I'm too scared to post again. I'm trying to change my entire artstyle. And my username as well. I feel I've let down a lot of marauders friends I made online by just ghosting them so I don't think I want to come back here with my old username.
I feel its for the better especially for my mental health. But I'm feeling super guilty. Also is there maybe a way I can share art with you alone? Or I wish I had a community where I could just post marauders fanart without anyone knowing it's me. I'm honestly overthinking this and you're probably annoyed by now but I feel I'm just going in circles. I don't know what to do. I mean my irl friends ruined it !!! And some aprts of the toxic fandom as well.... Its just fanart I know... but I feel like I big part of me was taken away. It was my happy place. Honestly if you tell me to start posting again I will. Just because I think you've been part of this fandom for so long. And you get how it is.
I don't want any pity but life has been super hard lately. I had to come live with my parents again, my mental health is not so great, and they're not letting me go back to the country I want to go to. And I'm honestly scared. Scared because I thought I could be independent but I feel I've messed it all up. I can barely even draw anymore. How am I supposed to make a living out of it?????
Sorry Cas for the rambling. I just needed to tell this to someone. Thank you so so so much. You're the kindest ever !!!
Hi!
You're more than welcome to dm me with art you've made! But if you post under a new username, is your art distinct enough for people to know it's you? If not, maybe you could post under a new user and be anonymous?
I'm definitely not annoyed <3 I understand that you're overwhelmed and sad and those feelings can really affect the way you function. Whatever you choose to do about your art is your choice, but I'd love it if you dm me your work!
Also as far as moving in with your parents- remember this isn't permanent. It's a setback, but not a forever thing. I believe in you!
________________
3d anon
You know how people have different ways of thinking? Sometimes a few people talking in your head, some people have text in their head, some see 2d, some 3d? Etc.
Well I do all. Like I do see text, I have 4-5 people arguing in my head, sometimes just one voice, sometimes 3d, sometimes 2d, and as a kid I couldn't understand how people don't.
Like my classmates found it hard to think how the 3d objects open or how to draw it etc. or when I say something about a voice they usually made fun of it. It was kids being kids, I learned all those and now I am older, I understand everyone has different ways of learning.
But apparently my teacher doesn't understand. They were sweet at first, telling we should learn how we do, prepared voice recordings for those people who understands with hearing, prepared notes, and 3d models for vision etc. we have a public studying room, like, some sort of a library but it has sources of different things and it's free use.
day 1, I read the lesson
Day 2, I looked at graphics and models.
Day 3, I wanted to listen it so I asked professor if he can give me the recordings.
And he said no
But it was public use like all the other students could use.
And he accused me selling his teaching and books recordings etc.
Because apperantly I can't use more than one studying way.
And then I tried to explain I use all of them for myself (I am not taking anyone's place and already have limited time)
Then he failed me.
That's it.
Okay this shocks me a lot. Like...the fact that a teacher would do this? please know that I'm not accusing you of anything but is there any more to the story? because he's a total asshole if he just failed you for no reason other than you using multiple study tools.
___________________
Driving anon
HELP CAS I JUSR HAD MY FIRST DRIVING LESSON AND IM NOT GOOD AT DRIVING AT FUCKING ALL HOW DOES THIS BECOME INSTINCT TO PWOPLE I WANT TO QUIT ITS WAYYY TO EASY TO NEARLY FUCKING HIT SOMEONE WITH THE VAR OR HIT WNOTHER CAR WITH THE CAR AND THATS RHE END OF THE WORLD AND IM NOT WVEN DRIVING MANUAL IM DRIVING AUTOMATIC SO THIS WOULDVE BEEN EVEN HARDER BUT THANK GOD ITS NOT BUT ALSO ITS SO NERVEWRACKIJG I MEVER WANT TO DO IT AGAIN I WANT TO QUIT AO BAD AND IF I WASNT ME WHO HAS THIS HABIT OF JUST DOING SHIR ANYWAY EVENWHEN IT AUCKS THEN I PROB WOHLD HOW DOES EVERYONE ESLE DO THIS AND I ALSO HAVE TO PASS MY THEORY TEST I CANT 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
anyway thx 😭 have a nice week ur awesome :)
Hi!
Driving is definitely scary and overwhelming when you first start to learn but I promise it gets easier the more you practice. It helps to practice with someone who can stay calm and to practice in a quiet area to start. Are you able to do those things? It makes a huge difference.
I know you can do it!
______
Midnights anon
hi <3
you absolutely are MORE than tolerable and you are NOT stupid. Unfortunately, people can just be really mean and unsympathetic and it fucking sucks. People can be horrible at showing that they care. They can be drowning in their own stuff. But I promise you there are people who care, and you are worthy of love <3
As far as regulating your moods and your thoughts, I really think that therapy could be helpful for that. SOmetimes you need an outside person to help, you know? That's not bad or shameful, it just is.
I'm sending you love <3
________
24 anon
i wasn't sure if i wanted to name myself w this one but hi its 24 anon again (sorry i didnt dm u. im afraid) 😅 this one is a little different, but the usual theme stays the same. a few days ago my friend (ill start calling her p bc im tired of writing out my friend every time lol), p, apparently had a 'gal-intines day' party night w her usually group of people and i only know that because i saw the other people that were there posting about it on facebook. she's been sending me the odd snapchat of her out doing things with people and im just. i got so messed up about it that i spiralled myself into a panic attack AT WORK that was so obvious to literally everyone around me that my boss was checking in on me every time he saw me that day and the next. ive had a shit week, honestly. thinking about her makes me uncomfortable. i dont like talking to her anymore. i cant stomach the idea of going to hang out with her. i dont know if thats an in the moment revulsion but its worth noting that these aren't entirely new feeling at all. ive been singing this song and doing this dance with her since we were 16 and this isn't the first time ive thought about full stop not being friends anymore. i will never want to truly rid her from my life, id literally actually rather die, but i dont think i want to remain actively friends with her or go out of my way to maintain a friendship with her. the effort i give isn't and hasn't been reciprocated in a really, really long time. i feel god awful that im only starting to feel sure of this while she has a two month old son. this is literally the hardest time of her entire life and im only inevitably going to make it worse and i hate that even though i know ill feel better for it. im just so tired of giving so much of myself to somebody who can't be bothered to give even a sliver back even though ive all but begged and cried for it. anyways what actually prompted me to start feeling good about this choice was because i logged into my discord account for the first time in a while and it made me so incompressibly sad for the same exact reason im sad over p. i made a lot of really close friends on various different discord servers for various fandoms over the years (my own and others) and it was the same situation with every single one of them to some degree. i was SO close with them. i have some of their personal phone numbers, address', ive MET some of them irl!!!!! i dont talk to a single one of them. at most we like each others posts on whatever socials we have for each other, and thats even a stretch. it makes me sick to remember that i do not and have not ever had a solid, steady, lasting relationship in my life between friends, family, romantic partners, anything. every relationship i have ever had with anyone has been the same wishy washy non-committal while im giving so much of myself away to each of them that i dont have anything left for myself. i dont know whats so wrong with me or whats so off putting about me thats people not give one single genuine fuck about me but im tired of it. im tired of being whatever person ive let myself become. im trying so hard but it never feels like it matters because it always keeps happening. anyways. i know this is really irrational and im a mess of distorted thinking right now bc i dont have access to my therapist so i feel a little insane lol i dont know how to start this conversation with p, im actually dreading it so much for so many reasons it makes me sick. im sorry this is so long.
Hi <3
I know you said that pulling back from your relationship with p would make you feel guilty for her, but what if it's right for YOU? At some point, you need to put yourself first, you know? YOU deserve respect and love.
Also...is it something you need to talk to her about? Like what would happen if you just start doing less? I'm genuinely asking. Because yes, usually the conversation is best, but sometimes it can just make things hurt more. What's best for YOU in this situation? Because you keep thinking about her.
_____________
Kneecap anon
Hey Cas! I hope you're doing well <3
I've just been having a really bad week and kinda needed to vent so feel free to ignore this if you're busy.
A few days ago I dislocated my kneecap and I now have a splint and crutches.
I now have to get around my school including a hill with them and it hurts like hell all the time.
A week ago I got my ears pierced and I chose a smaller size of earring and yesterday I woke up and it was under the skin of my ear. It's nout now but it was still really annoying.
I also got my period yesterday and felt really sick becuase I didn't have time to eat at recess and had to go home early.
I'm supposed to have learned my lines for my drama production but I haven't and I also have a poster due tomorrow that I haven't even started (It's currently 8.30pm for me)
So in conclusion I'm really stressed and feel really bad becasue everyone has to do everything for me becuase I can't carry anything or walk very much.
___________
Hi <3
this does sound like an awful week. I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this. Remember though, you didn't ASK to get hurt, so you don't need to feel guilty about needing help. It's okay to rely on the people who care about you to help you when you need it.
I hope you feel better soon and you were able to get your poster done and work on your lines! I;m sending you productive energy!
Alright, driving anon here…I stand corrected. After staring at that picture (for way longer than necessary, lol), I have determined that it looks like Briss is holding the steering wheel (I thought it was a phone at first glance…). But again, hey, it doesn’t matter who drives, right?! 😊
I just looked back and I think your right!! I think it might be Briss
We don't care as long as they keep giving us content 😊
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Driving anon here…if I had to guess, I would say it’s Bords driving (did I just try to see how a picture would look if it was taken by a rear camera vs. front camera by trying it in my living room? Why yes, I did lol). But seriously, it really doesn’t matter. Just keep giving us the content and we’re good. 😀
I am here for this summer already…and it’s technically not even summer yet 🤫
Maybe?? I honestly have no clue
Yes the content in the summer is pure gold... I wish it was summer 😭
