#drinking diaries

but THIS SHOULD BE A THING

AND HE IS NOT MINE

BUT ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY WATCH MY BOAT GO BY

ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY FOLLOW ME HOME LIKE AN AWKWARD PUPPY WHO THEN TAKES MY CLOTHES OFF

ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY EXIST IN ROTATING CONCENTRIC CIRCLES

AND HE IS NOT MINE NOT MINE NOT MINE

BUT I THINK ABOUT THE FALL AND HOW IT IS NOT FAIR

HOW FALL IS PERHAPS UNKIND TO ME

fall is perhaps unkind to me

spring and winter and summer fuel me and take me through the dead leaves, the dead parts

spring is cyclical, everything repeats itself

I am not who I was, but perhaps not that different

maybe this is me, still

it's about creating yourself not finding yourself

I want to create better

I want more characters, better theme songs

it is not fair and this should be a thing and it is not fair that you can take my clothes off and not try to call me in the morning or the morning after or the other morning after or at all

it is not fair because I am sick of trying and not trying and not figuring out which works

and it is not fair to me because this should manifest itself differently

and it is not fair because what if someone wants me more and I don't know about it 

it is not fair because I want to wake up to him again and he is not mine and has never been, but I treat him as such

it is not fair it is not fair it is not fair

I don't know how to react when people don't feel 

I feel too much

not "not at all", although I pretend well I want to swirl you down into my whiskey and look up and have you acknowledge that i fucking exist

I FUCKING EXIST AND THIS IS A THING THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT

AND it is spring again, and I don't just want it to be spring

I want it to be summer, also,

and you will not be far and I will be here

and I don't know why you're not going home, but I am essentially staying for too long anyways

and I thought about flirting with boats during my french film an hour ago

and it is possible it is possible it is possible

you carry yourself differently and maybe I do, too

I try to be more desirable

but perhaps the issue is that there isn't desire

WHAT AM I DOING WRONG, UNIVERSE

1.) our 2Ks

2.) our first day HOPEFULLY on the water

3.) the night of non-stop drinking that follows the season's first 2K and also the first day in-season

BUT NO

SHE'S ONE OF THE SPARSE FEW THAT ACTUALLY LIKE ME AND WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME AND LIKE TO MAKE SURE I'M OK

will have to figure my shit out anyways, but like

FRIENDS

and weaseling a personal invite to his party

which I'm already invited to

but where I plan to start drinking 

because

no limes for my tequila 

means no joy

but also no pregaming

life and times of a snow rager

a rower comes up to you and points out the cats on her ugly Christmas sweater

me: Yes!!

her: Yay!!!!! Let me know when NOT If you get his number