@drachenkinderā @kiwimeringueā thank you š Iām also sort of...belatedly recognizing that while itās always really easy for me to feel like Iām not doing enough of anything ever but also in this specific context where itās really important and there is probably always more I could be (and could have been) doing, Iāve been kind of feeling like itās somehow all on me? which, like, consciously I know thatās very much not true! in some ways thatās part of the problem because if I really did have that level of responsibility and accompanying power, I could singlehandedly Do Shit and not feel powerless anymore! but sadly You Are Jeff Bezos is not real life and realistically speaking, I canāt--and shouldnāt feel like I need to--do more than, like, the average citizen who also wants to protect democracy while also having a garbage-fire brain and badly needed full-time job. and yes of course there are all these places asking for everyoneās time and money and energy, so it feels like I have to help out with all of them (or the perfect correct balance of actions that will make the most effective possible use of my time), but thatās...not true? and no one else is expecting that? and probably even the places using the most hysterical wording in their fundraising emails donāt actually think everyone who sees each email will donate every time?
and...most of the stuff Iām capable of doing is only useful as part of collective action by huge numbers of people doing lots of different things, which is also something very obvious that I theoretically know, but apparently Iāve only really absorbed the negative aspect of that, the part where collective action is frustrating because it depends on a whole bunch of other people doing things and my individual part will always be small, rather than...the equally true aspect that collective action is designed to be spread out among a whole bunch of other people and the organizers calling for these actions have planned accordingly. I mean, obviously, if Iām learning about some action I should be doing, itās because organizers have worked to get it out to lots of people, of whom I just happen to be one, so by definition other people are already participating in various capacities. lots of other people! Iām just some random asshole on the internet!
and of course my part matters, all the small actions matter, and of course conversely if too many people go āwell my part doesnāt make a difference individually so I donāt need to bother,ā then thatās a big problem, but itās also...not something I personally can change? Iām responsible for doing something. I am absolutely not responsible for doing everything. or even, like, suggesting everything! because apparently my brain kinda took āregularly contacting your elected officials is really importantā and turned it into āyou might well be the only person in your area asking for [specific action] and therefore if you donāt do it in every possible avenue then nobody else is going to propose it and it wonāt happen and that will be your fault! and when it comes to voting, elections can be decided by relatively tiny numbers, so if thereās stuff you could have done to turn out a handful more voters but you didnāt, an election loss is also your fault for not doing enough! and when it comes to this election, anything short of devoting basically all your money and free time--or, hell, taking a few weeks off work to volunteer full-time, or even quitting your job entirely to do political stuff--is absolutely not enough, and if things go badly in a few races you couldāve affected, itās your faultā
.........and oh my god I just realized part of the problem here is evangelical guilt, holy shit. because like...growing up, Saving People was the most important possible thing, right? and there were other ways you could do it, but if you really wanted to Serve The Lord (somewhat unstated: and be the best, holiest, most righteous person possible), the best way you could possibly do that was basically sell all your stuff, give up whatever plans you might otherwise have, and go be a missionary of some kind in some dangerous area where dying for it was a real possibility? and I never wanted to do any of that, I never even wanted to witness to people in more typical situations because HELLO SOCIAL ANXIETY, and I always felt at least vaguely guilty for it! shouldnāt I want to, if Iām really a good Christian? and if I donāt want to, isnāt that even more of a reason that I should deny myself etc. etc.? because! people need saving! and if God specifically wants you to bring the gospel to some specific person, but you donāt for whatever reason, and that specific person never gets saved and goes to Hell as a result, it's pretty much your fault!
I...am thoroughly exvangelical at this point and have been for a while, I have not thought about this particular thing in years, but apparently my brain just took the whole concept and mapped it onto something else, wow. thatās...huh. something to think about.
