I think, while suddenly losing my FP was horribly dangerous for me at the start (I nearly killed myself multiple times, and it took 3 months for me to recover to any extent) it has been semi positive past that.
I feel a lot free’r than I had for years prior to losing them, and have a lot more autonomy. I can finally just... play games, play singleplayer games, watch shows/movies, read comics, draw, just go off and do my own thing, think about what I want and focus on myself which I really couldn’t to any degree prior. If they weren’t involved I just... couldn’t do it. I had no thoughts outside of anything related to them.
I still think about them all the time and get sad, because it still hurts and I miss them, but it’s okay, I’m sure they’re happy and I’m doing better now, even if either of the situations aren’t the most ideal.
I think the only long-term negative(?) impact past general loneliness and patches of nasty depression and anxiety is really the fact now I’ve managed to get by without a FP fairly well, and I’m feeling good about it, I’m TERRIFIED of forming any sort of close relationship with anyone. Even my existing friendships I’m distancing myself from because I don’t want to be dependant again.
Well, at least not yet? Part of me loved the “positive” side of dependency, it felt so good being around/talking to/interacting with/ thinking about my FP and it drove me for a long while, but now I realise it held me back a lot, and also REALLY FUCKIn hurt a lot of the time.
Sadly due to my concerns about becoming dependant again I feel like I need to spend the next bunch of years of my life just working towards my own goals, to get myself to where I want to be, before I risk forming any close relationships. Which sucks, because I’m lonely, but I’m more worried about getting back into a dependency situation than I am worried about being lonely for another 10 years.
