#downurs

you cracked open my chest

we used to taste like eachother; now you taste like a swift punch

when all else failed, i began to look for a god either i didn't look hard enough, or whoever, or whatever, it was didn't want me to find them; somewhere along the way i found you; you tasted like an angel, like stardust and miracles- perhaps that's why all my prayers taste like you.

sometimes I wanna wrap my car around a tree; 
maybe because 
it’s the closest thing to your tight embrace
that I’ll be able to get 
in this hauntingly empty haze, 
the kind that is so strangely thick that you can feel it 
pressing
your shoulders down,
down,
down, 
trying to sink your heels beneath the concrete,
down to the dirt and the worms.

i spend time with my family, you don’t text me. i pretend I’m not checking my phone for your name. i swallow back the tears pretend I don’t mind that there’s no trace of you trying to contact me. i go for a drive, and pretend i don’t know how to get to your house from any part of this damn city; sunbleached asphalt paves the road to you. i keep my eyes on the road and try to find ways to make things look like what they are, rather than looking like you; the city spot up the street from my best friends house tastes like your skin and smells like your conditioner. i drive home from work, and pretend it doesn’t hurt when you aren’t there waiting for me; i avoid calling it home, because you always told me i was your home, and without you, my chest is an abandoned living room, couches covered in white sheets, layered with dust; stifling. i lie alone in bed, and pretend I’m not wishing for your warmth. i still sleep wrapped in the blanket you gave me. i don’t try to pretend that there is even a single version of my future without you; i pretend that the tears I shed are raindrops; if that’s so, every night is a rainstorm.