my friend and i have a running joke that bernard might or might not be pregnant and no one knows how or who the father is. it’s really funny i swear.
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my friend and i have a running joke that bernard might or might not be pregnant and no one knows how or who the father is. it’s really funny i swear.

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I’m never gonna see the real thing. The Byler kiss is never a possibility anymore. I’ll read it in fics, see it in fanart, and that is AMAZING… but it will never be real.
So. I have a problem with disposability.
If you're wondering what one of those quietly broken transfems that feels like she's at gunpoint simply being seen anywhere-- half-present, mind racing to avoid any behavior that might be traceable back to the deck of transmisoginyst caricatures she always keeps in the back of her head, trying to figure out which card the other person might see stuck to her forehead...
That's me! As Transmisogyny gets worse, I'm usually the first to crumble. I go out less, and when I do, I do so dogged by phantoms of every bad rumor, every bad experience someone's had with a trans woman.
I might like myself more now, but I actually had way more confidence before I transitioned. Now, I dedicate all that courage to persisting despite an awareness that traits that would be forgivable (even charming) coming from a cis person becomes a moral failing coming from a tgirl, multiplied by a factor of how clocky I am today.
That's why I'm so meticulous about my appearance (as best I can, with my health). The amount of respect I earn cannot exceed my value as an art piece or sexual commodity. I constantly try to outfox disgust and revulsion, lay on the charm, and avoid anything that might trip someone's "male socialization" alarm and sow doubt about my identity.
I've been socially transitioned for years, but my claim on anything feminine still seems criminal. I want it, so bad. But it's sacred, and my adoption of any of it is seen as taint, theft and deception. My awkwardness amidst it? My excitement? Perversity. Intrusion. Mental illness. Violence. Be. Fucking. Normal.
I know in my heart that who I am, as a whole human, brings light and value to people's lives. Of course I do, that's basic stuff! But when I stand before a stranger, I work from the presupposition that have no humanity. I am an expression of one stereotype or another, a conglomeration of uses, transgressions and weaknesses-- not an individual human.
To simply keep existing like that takes all my courage. When attention turns onto me I feel my blood freeze. It all tends to make a girl a bit tired. Sorry about that.

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the scythe by the last dinner party is SO downer oh my god
I was bored again so I made a downer design for Welcome To Gleamfolk City. I’m calling her Vixen rn but idk if that’ll be permanent. I do have a story idea for her tho. She used to be a news reporter before Gura toon over and changed everything. And she’s immune to Guras effects due to deeply rooted problems in her. She’s transfem. She finds it a struggle to fit in Gleamfolk City but has found friends in other downers. Even if her cousin had abandoned her to be loyal to Gura. That’s something I’m workin on- anywho that’s about all I got in my zanies TwT I’m so tired for some reason. Welcome to Gleamfolk City is by @dictatortirah