#dothacker

 “I can’t believe you’re pregnant” Lara said into her Skype camera. “Neither do I” “I mean….last year on New Years Eve we were making fun of all the people who got their shit together and started to live a grown up life and now you’re having a baby!” “It wasn’t planned!” “Yes but it happened. And Josh and you are both old enough to raise a family” “Sure but….we never planned it, we never really talked about it” “But now that it happened you will do your best to raise beautiful little children” Lara grinned. “Hey Lara, it’s only one child, okay? It’s not like we’re having a football team” “Well, who knows” “Uff…..it’s so strange for me. I don’t really feel pregnant at all. The morning sickness went away, I don’t have a baby bump yet. I feel like I could do anything in the world I want to. But at the same time I’m feeling so fucking tired” “See…that’s the pregnancy” “Hm….maybe” “What about your parents? Did you tell them yet?” “We did. My mom freaked out and started crying and my dad was happy too”

Josh and I drove to my parents to have dinner with them. My dad made barbecue and my mom prepared too much salad – like always – for only four people. Every one of us could have their own salad. But anyway….after one hour Josh and I couldn’t keep silent about it and told them. The barbecue was put on the side line and we only talked about the baby and the pregnancy. Sure my mom gave me tips and offered me her help but when I came home that night I only wanted to sleep. I was so fucking tired. I’m tired every day.

We also told Josh’s parents two days later. He already told Olivia but she kept it a secret until we were all sitting in the Klinghoffer’s garden in Northridge to drop the bombshell. It wouldn’t be the first grandchild for his parents but they still reacted very emotional. Olivia’s son José was a few months old. Josh’s mom was wrapped up in her new role as a grandma. You could see that it made her very happy being a grandma. They also offered us to take care of our child when it’s born. Especially when Josh would be on the road and I would be alone at home. Wow, I still couldn’t imagine us being parents.

 “So your parents are happy that her youngest daughter finally got her shit together as well. Just like her older brother?” Lara asked me. “Yeah, I think we Puritz-Kids like it spontaneous. Suddenly my brother was a dad of a 1.5 year old boy. Now they have two kids and are happy. And now I’m pregnant without planning anything. It’s crazy” “But you’re happy and excited, aren’t you?” “Yes….kind of” “Hm….doesn’t sound convincing” “You know…it’s a new situation for Josh and me. He is leaving in a few weeks and although he’s coming back every few weeks he will spend most of his summer in Europe. I would lie if I would say, I’m totally okay with it” “Yes, I can totally understand it. You’re afraid of what will come over you. Especially when Josh is away on tour. But you know, it’s his job. You can’t change his life. He will keep touring until he’s grey and old I guess. At least that’s how I get the measure of him. He’s a 100% musician.” “I know….and I love what he does and how he does it. He’s so passionate about it. Right now he’s so excited for the new Chili Peppers record to be released but…” ”By the way, what’s the record called?” “The Getaway. He only showed me three songs, they are about to release soon” “Okay….I’m excited. You know, if they come to Berlin you have to get me tickets!” Lara reminded me. “Yes, for sure” I laughed. “Great” “Back to the topic….Josh will be away on tour for the rest of the year and then the following year. It’s not going to be easy but I will do my best” “But I bet he’s excited and afraid as well” “He is!” I started laughing. “He’s reading all these guides about parenting and all this stuff. It’s crazy. It’s like he knows more about pregnancy and birth than me!” “See….that’s cute!” Lara smiled. “Woahhh, you know I always thought that if two people are having a baby together, it’s serious. It’s something totally serious because in a way they are always connected to each other. Even if they break up, there is always the child they have together.” I told her. “You know, relationships can fail, you break up and everyone goes their own path. Sometimes one has to move out of the shared home but then you’re free again. But if you have a baby, you will always be connected. No matter if it’s positive or negative. That’s what scares me” “But you two are in love and you want to live together, don’t you?” “Yes…” ”And don’t you wanna share your life with him?” “At least….I hope I do” “See….it will be good in the end. I know it” Lara told me with a smile in her face. “I bet Josh will be a great father even though he’s away on the road very often. He will find the time to see his little family and will catch every flight back home to LA to support you and to be with you” 

I hoped that Lara was right. Right now I was sure that Josh would exactly be like that - a good father. Although I couldn’t really imagine him with a baby in his hands, I was sure he would take care of it very well. But what scared me the most was his absence the whole time when the Chilis would hit the road for a long world tour. I hated it and I wished he would quit. But I never told him. I would NEVER EVER tell him to quit because he loved it so much. Music and playing with the Chilis made him so happy, I couldn’t imagine him doing anything else right now although sometimes he was a bit disappointed after coming home from the recording sessions for The Getaway. But I think after all he was happy with the new record they just made and so was I.

 April

Josh and I had two weeks left until he would leave for a few shows in New Orleans and finally in LA. Sure I would be at their show in LA. It was a charity event Will Ferrell and Chad Smith organized.

So today I was busy leaving him after breakfast because I had a date with Molly. She wanted to look for a wedding dress. It was already 1.5 years ago that Eric proposed to her and they decided to marry this summer. They wanted to do it last year but then Eric’s father got sick so they decided to wait until he would feel better and since they wanted to marry in the summer they finally saved a date in August. Josh and I would be there too and I was so excited. It would be the first wedding I would attend together with a serious boyfriend as date. “Where are you going?” Josh wanted to know when I took on my jacket. “Meeting with Molly. You know, looking for a wedding dress for her” “Oh right….” He seemed to remember. “But don’t drink champagne” he grinned. I rolled my eyes. “Josh, guess what? I’m a grown up! I can take care of myself” “But you’re not alone anymore” “And you think I forgot it? That there is a little cell cluster growing in my bump?” “No but…whatever” he said. I think he noticed that he already pissed me off with his overprotecting behavior towards me. “I’m pregnant but not sick, okay?” I let him know. “Yes I know” he sighed. “I won’t drink any alcohol in the next year. I promise” “Good…” he gave me my bag. “But please, take care of you, okay?” he said giving me a kiss on the bow. “I will take care” I sighed. “I mean, with the traffic and so….you know, LA is very hectic” “Yes and I’m driving here for almost 14 years now so….I don’t know what’s your problem. I’m a good driver” “I know” he grinned. “I’m just so anxious about you and the baby.” “And that’s cute. But Josh, I should live my life just like I did before the pregnancy, right? Being too overprotecting isn’t good” “You’re right” he agreed with me. I opened the door and waved him until I went to my car.

I loved driving through the streets of El Sereno. I could really get used to living here. Josh asked me to move in with him two weeks ago. Only one week after I told him about the pregnancy. He really did think about the whole situation and I found it cute that he asked me. I agreed but since I have to pay my rent for my apartment until summer I decided to keep my own flat until then. So I would have some save haven when he would be on tour.

Although I loved living in his beautiful house I sometimes was scared because of its size. My whole life I was a bit afraid of burglar so being alone in his house made me freak out sometimes.

Molly was already standing in front of the first boutique. I parked the car and went to hug her. “You’re smelling very fresh” “Thanks. I think it’s the pregnancy” I joked. “Probably” We entered the boutique and one of the assistants welcomed us. She asked what we were looking for and started her consulting. Molly told her exactly what she was looking for and after a few minutes she disappeared in one of the fitting rooms to try the first dresses. Meanwhile I was sitting there, waiting for her to come out and present her dresses to me. But none of them were right. She wanted something classic but also a little bit exclusive.

After four boutiques we finally drove to Hollywood. Molly heard about an insider boutique here. I wondered how it could be an insider if it was in Hollywood? But I let myself be surprised.

So after a long hour of driving to Hollywood we finally arrived at a very beautiful boutique near Santa Monica Boulevard. When we first entered it Molly fell in love with the whole boutique. It was very tiny and vintage and totally beautiful. And so were the dresses. Molly tried on three dresses. The assistant asked us if we want some champagne but we denied. “We have to drive home safety plus, my date here is pregnant so no alc for her” Molly told the assistant. “Oh great! When will the baby be born?” the blonde woman in her 50s asked me. “Uhm, at the end of November probably” “A November baby. Great! My two daughters are November babies” she smiled all over her face. Wow, motherhood must make you very happy I thought. When the assistant was needed at the checkout Molly started talking to me. “So is it confirmed yet? November?” “Yes, Josh and I saw a doctor last week and she told us that it will be born at the 27th November” “Wow….and is he home at that time?” “Hopefully he is. They will come back home from Vienna at 22nd November” “See, that’s the perfect planning, don’t you think?” “It is….sure” I said a bit lost in thoughts. “But?” “What do you mean?” “Well Eileen, I know you and the whole time when we were talking about the baby or the pregnancy you didn’t seem to be 100% happy. Am I right?” Hm, if I was honest, she was right. “Kind of” “But why? What’s wrong?” now she left her fitting room to show me the first of three dresses. But it was a bit too long. So she stayed there, only talking to me instead of looking at herself in the mirror. “Why are you so dismissive when talking about the baby?” “I don’t know” I sighed. “I think I’m just very stressed out by the whole situation. Plus, Josh bothers me with his overprotecting behavior” “Really? What does he do?” “He’s always telling me what I have to eat and what not. And when I leave home alone he always says I should take care of me and not drive the traffic Highways. He’s treating me like I’m sick but I’m just pregnant. I have the feeling he doesn’t know the difference” “Ohhhh, I’m sorry to hear that sweetie” she chuckled. “But I think he only wants to protect you. He’s so happy about the pregnancy. He recently told Eric and he couldn’t find words to describe it. He said he has already wrote a few lyrics down about this feeling he has right now” “I know he’s just too cute but….I’m so annoyed by him and his behavior. But I don’t wanna tell him. I mean, I don’t wanna hurt him.” “Maybe it’s just his way to show you how much he loves you and how happy he is” “Probably….” I sighed and sat down at the white leather chair. How beautiful it was. “But you’re worrying about some more things, aren’t you?” Molly kept asking while trying the second dress. 

I thought about her question, the same question Lara recently asked me. “I do” I answered.   “But why?” she asked from her fitting room. “Because he will be on the road soon and I’m here alone. He won’t be by my side while I’m pregnant because most of the time he will be on the road in Europe” “But he will be home when the baby is coming” Molly reminded me. “Well, I hope so!” “See, at least that’s a good thing….” ”But what’s next then? He will leave for another Europe leg. After the holidays they will tour the States for six months. Six fucking months!” “I thought they come home every two weeks?” “Sure, they do. But you know how fast these two weeks or ten days of tour break are over? Most of the time I’m home alone with a new born baby. Great. That’s how you raise a child” “Did you talk with him about it?” “Not yet….I don’t wanna hurt him” “But Eileen, it’s an important issue you both should talk about. Maybe he doesn’t know that you have some problems with him being on the road for so long” “What should he do then? Staying home? Looking for a new guitarist who can play for him at that time?” “No but….sorry I don’t have any advice” “See, that’s the problem. I can’t tell him that it’s his job that bothers me. I mean, if he would be a teacher I couldn’t say he should stop teaching because he’s at school too often” “I see the problem but I think you can’t change it. It’s his life. He’s a musician” “Yeah, I know. Why did I have to fall in love with one?” “Well, you don’t choose who you fall in love with” “I know” I sighed.

“At least you got pregnant. Some couples try it for a very long time but it doesn’t happen” “Hm…what do you mean?” I asked her. I had the feeling she wanted to tell me something with her cryptic words. “I never told you but Eric and I tried it the last year. It didn’t happen.” “And why did you stop?” “Because he will be on tour this year” “See….the same problem. But you’re not pregnant yet so you can decide when to try it again. But in our case, for Josh and me, we can’t decide anymore. We have to deal with the situation” “Yes but Eileen, look, a baby is a wonderful gift. And the destiny chose you to have one this year. No matter how far away Josh will be or how rarely you will see each other, you two will make it. I know it. You are strong enough to withstand this tour and then you can be happy with your baby boy or girl” Hm, maybe Molly was right.

She tried on the third dress and immediately fell in love with it. Molly looked so stunning! The dress was just perfect for her. It wasn’t complete white, it was a creme-white. She just looked so beautiful I couldn’t find words. I was convinced that Molly would be the most gorgeous bride I’ve ever seen. Eric was such a lucky guy to have a wife like her by his side. And while she would rock this dress perfectly on her wedding day, I would standing by her side as a bridesmaid with a giant baby bump. That’s life.  We bought the dress and afterwards had some pizza at the Sunset Strip. Sometimes I really liked Hollywood.

On our last day before Josh’s first short tour leg to a jazz festival in New Orleans and some following press days we drove to Santa Monica.

We were walking hand in hand and enjoyed the sun – at least I enjoyed the sun. It was the end of April so the sun was back again and it was already very hot. I loved LA for this weather. When I was in Berlin I missed the heat and the sun a little bit – although the summer in Berlin was also great but it was different. Nothing compared to California!

I was feeling very happy and grateful to be a California kid. I loved my hometown although there were times in my life when it pissed me off. But for many people LA is a something like a dream. They come here for a holiday and don’t wanna leave but they have to. But I could stay here my whole life. I could watch the sunset at Venice my whole life. I could walk on the Santa Monica Pier my whole life. I could drive through the traffic on the highways my whole life. I could drive through the Hollywood Hills my whole life. I could have breakfast in my favorite café in Echo Park my whole life. I could visit the Echo Park Lake my whole life. I could have a beautiful view at the city at the Griffith Observatory my whole life. I could live in El Sereno my whole life. With this special person.

I was so happy finally living with Josh. The first days were totally normal because I often stayed at his house for a whole weekend or so but after one week it got a little bit awkward because we finally got to know some negative sides of each other while sharing a home. So I offered him my apartment if he would need some time for himself as well. But I think he was totally happy with going into his music room and playing some music to relax. That’s just how he was. And I loved it.

The new Chili Peppers record would be released in two months but Josh already gave it to me and I listened to it on my way to a date with some coworkers in Venice the other day. I loved it! It’s sounding so great. I already had some favorites. I think “This Ticonderoga” just flashed me while listening to it for the first time. Same with “Goodbye Angels”.

Josh told me that most of the lyrics are about Anthony’s ex girlfriend, a young model. I was still wondering how a man in his 50s can fall for a 19 year old girl but I think I should be more open to an age difference like that. I mean, if you’re in love, you’re in love, right? Maybe I reacted to harsh when I heard that Josh was dating Chloe, who was only 22. I mean, I was in love as a teenager with musicians who were 20 years older than me so I should shut up, right? There was another thing about the record that made him happy. Elton John played piano at one of their songs and every time Josh was talking about it he was smiling like a little child on Christmas day. I remembered that two years ago, after our break up, I wrote in the letter I sent him, that maybe one day his dream will come true and he will making music together with Elton John. Well, now it came true. And “Sick Love” is one of the best songs on the album.

So after watching the sunset in Santa Monica we finally drove home. I already counted the hours until Josh would leave. Only 11 hours to go until he would leave home to fly over to New Orleans. Maybe it was because of the hormones but I noticed that I started being worried about the flights he was about to take in the next months. I hate flying so I was always a little bit worried when a loved one was on a plane. “I don’t want you to leave” I said while we were driving on the Highway. “Neither do I want to leave you two” I chuckled when he said these words. “But I have to” he sighed. “But this time it’s only a few days. I’ll be home at the 29th April. It’s only 6 days.” “I know but it already feels like it’s an eternity” I moaned. “I’m so sorry” “If it would only be a few weeks. But in June you’re leaving for a very long tour….” “But I will be home every two or three weeks” he reminded me. “The Chilis have a very family friendly tour schedule” “Yes but….it’s not the same. Our time together won’t be the same like before.” “Why? I mean, we only have to do the best of our time together. That’s all” “Yes, I know….and I guess you’re already used to the situation with being on the road and having a relationship” “I’m not really used to it” he told me. “I always hate being away but it’s my job. It makes me happy at the same time although I will miss you and the baby and my family and friends…” ”The baby isn’t born yet” I laughed. “I know. But I already miss it. I miss touching your little baby bump every morning” “There is no real baby bump yet” “Oh I can see one” Josh grinned. Josh parked his car and we went into his house.

“Well….but it will be hard for me to be pregnant when you’re not around” “But you can’t stop the pregnancy when I’m away just to turn it on again when I’m around” Josh joked. “I know…” I sighed. “I wish I could” I laughed and he pulled me to the sofa. “I don’t wanna leave you but I have to. And it’s only this tour….I mean, I will be home in August for more than three weeks. We then have nearly a three week break at the end of the year. Same in April next year. Then we will have the whole August off next year” “It shocks me that your life for the next 1.5 years is already planned” “Well, I like it. So I can tell you when I’m home and what we could do. I can also plan some music recordings with other musicians” “I know” “So for me it’s good and I would freak out if I wouldn’t know my schedule for the next year” “I know” I repeated myself and ruffled through his hair while sitting on his lap. I couldn’t tell him to stay home. I just couldn’t. I didn’t have any right to do it. “Anything wrong?” Josh asked me and looked into my eyes. I looked back in his brown eyes and I realized that no matter what will happen, no matter how many kilometers will part us, we can make it. I believed in us.

Later that night we were laying in his bed – or should I call it our bed? Josh was reading some pregnancy guide again and I was just checking some mails. Finally he put the book away and started stroking my belly again. “I’m so happy and so proud and so grateful and so looking forward to meeting this little thing in your belly” “You’re proud? Why? Of your sperms?” I joked. “No” he said irritated. “Well, maybe I should” Josh grinned. “It still takes two human beings to create a new human being” I let him know. “I know. And I’m so excited if the baby will just be like its mother?” “Do you think it will be a boy or a girl?” “I hope for a girl!” “Really? Why?” “Because I like the idea of having a girl. I could show her how to play the piano, guitar, maybe drums if she wants to. I could be the cool dad, you know.” “And if she’s a teenager all of her girlfriends fall in love with you because you’re still looking like 35” I laughed. “No….I hope not” Josh said a bit shy. “I want to have a boy” I told him. “Why a boy?” he asked me. “Because I always liked the idea of having a boy. I don’t know why. I always saw myself with a boy” “Okay, I could teach him as well if he wants to learn some instrument” “What if not?” “Well I think our child would have a very hard life if it’s not interested in music. I mean, look at us. We’re both very crazy about music” Josh laughed. “You’re right….but you’re the musician, the rockstar” “Oh don’t call me rockstar” “So how should I call you then? Flying in private jets to concerts, playing sold out shows with more than 20k people?” “Hm….call me musician because that’s what I am” he smiled at me. “Okay, I will keep that in mind”

“How would you name a girl?” I asked into the silence between us. “Hm….I always liked Emma or Sophie” Josh said after thinking for a few moments. “I’m totally into Scandinavian names” “Okay, I like Emily” “See….it’s a bit like Emma” “Definitely. And if it’s a boy I would name him Phil” “Phil? Naaaaa, I would name him Mathew or Marcus” “Whaaat? Why?” “Because I like the names. Maybe Dave” “Oh no….hm” “Well, we have still some time to decide” Josh smiled at me and gave me a kiss. We both fell asleep, his head on my shoulder, his arm still covering my belly.

The next morning was very hard. I didn’t want it to come but time can’t be stopped, right? So we breakfasted together and afterwards Josh took his bags and jacket. I was standing in the doorway while he was looking into my eyes, giving me on of the many last kisses. “I’ll be home in 6 days and after the LA concert we have some more weeks until I would leave for Europe. Always stay positive” he smiled. “I try to!” “See, six days will be over very fast” “I hope so….at least it’s not six weeks!” I grinned ironically. “Well, have a good time” I said before standing on tiptoes to kiss him again. “Oh and if you like to, you can take my car for driving. I know I have to rotate the tires, at least the system in my car told me to. But I think I can do it when I’m back home next week” “Yes, thanks. I will take it” I said. I knew he wanted me to drive his car because it was safer than my old car. “So goodbye my love” he finally said before walking down the driveway to the streets where a driver was already waiting for him. I waved him goodbye and finally went back inside.

 The following day Josh called me after their concert in New  Orleans. He said it was great because he met some great musicians there. All in all the Chilis had a good time at the Jazz Fest and they would fly over to San  Francisco for a special show they would play in two days. It was a secret gig. No one knew about it yet. It would be announced tomorrow morning and fans could only win tickets for the show.

So I spend the rest of the evening with watching “The Perks Of Being A Californian”. Yes, I was still liking the show although my boyfriend’s ex was part of it. I just loved the storyline. I already convinced Molly to start watching it and Lara was still a fan of it so sometimes we exchanged our views about the new episodes.   Chloe was still part of the show. There were already four seasons and the fifth was about to come. I didn’t really stalk Chloe after I got back together with Josh. I only know that some day she stopped posting pictures that were related to Josh. I think she finally realized that it was over. After one year. We didn’t even talk much about her. The only thing he told me was that she texted him to inform him about the new seasons and invite him to the premiere. That’s all. Since Josh never really watched the show he wasn’t interested at all. He didn’t care about the show and how many seasons it had.

The next morning I was driving to school, having a short day. I only had to teach four classes and then I had the afternoon off. I loved Tuesdays at work. Only half a day.

Because of my free time I decided to do some grocery store shopping. So I drove from Pasadena back to El Sereno. The highway was very busy and I was struck in traffic for an hour. Finally I could drive again. I loved driving in Josh’s car. It was very big but also very modern. Totally different way of driving compared to my small car. Some day I will buy myself a SUV I thought.

When I almost had reached the grocery store I noticed that something was wrong with one of the back tires. I heard a loud noise. Like a bang. And I couldn’t steer the car easily anymore. So I knew there was something wrong with the back tire. I tried to change the lanes and finally wanted to pull over.

I was right before a light when I saw another car in the rear view mirror coming closer. I had the feeling this car wouldn’t stop. But right before I could do anything I only heard a loud bang and my head was pushed against the steering wheel…. ____________