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 Dot Hack Fragment Wavemaster My main for .hack//fragment. :)
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43. If You Want Me To Stay
Hey!
First of all I want to thank you for your feedback to my last chapter! I was sooooo happy and pleased to see that you liked it. It wasnât easy to write and it took me some time. It continues a little bit emotional with Josh & Eileen. I hope I donât disappoint you! Have a nice weekend! I hope that my favorite football team wins the cup today in the finals ;) ___________
 âI canât believe youâre pregnantâ Lara said into her Skype camera. âNeither do Iâ âI meanâŚ.last year on New Years Eve we were making fun of all the people who got their shit together and started to live a grown up life and now youâre having a baby!â âIt wasnât planned!â âYes but it happened. And Josh and you are both old enough to raise a familyâ âSure butâŚ.we never planned it, we never really talked about itâ âBut now that it happened you will do your best to raise beautiful little childrenâ Lara grinned. âHey Lara, itâs only one child, okay? Itâs not like weâre having a football teamâ âWell, who knowsâ âUffâŚ..itâs so strange for me. I donât really feel pregnant at all. The morning sickness went away, I donât have a baby bump yet. I feel like I could do anything in the world I want to. But at the same time Iâm feeling so fucking tiredâ âSeeâŚthatâs the pregnancyâ âHmâŚ.maybeâ âWhat about your parents? Did you tell them yet?â âWe did. My mom freaked out and started crying and my dad was happy tooâ
Josh and I drove to my parents to have dinner with them. My dad made barbecue and my mom prepared too much salad â like always â for only four people. Every one of us could have their own salad. But anywayâŚ.after one hour Josh and I couldnât keep silent about it and told them. The barbecue was put on the side line and we only talked about the baby and the pregnancy. Sure my mom gave me tips and offered me her help but when I came home that night I only wanted to sleep. I was so fucking tired. Iâm tired every day.
We also told Joshâs parents two days later. He already told Olivia but she kept it a secret until we were all sitting in the Klinghofferâs garden in Northridge to drop the bombshell. It wouldnât be the first grandchild for his parents but they still reacted very emotional. Oliviaâs son JosĂŠ was a few months old. Joshâs mom was wrapped up in her new role as a grandma. You could see that it made her very happy being a grandma. They also offered us to take care of our child when itâs born. Especially when Josh would be on the road and I would be alone at home. Wow, I still couldnât imagine us being parents.
 âSo your parents are happy that her youngest daughter finally got her shit together as well. Just like her older brother?â Lara asked me. âYeah, I think we Puritz-Kids like it spontaneous. Suddenly my brother was a dad of a 1.5 year old boy. Now they have two kids and are happy. And now Iâm pregnant without planning anything. Itâs crazyâ âBut youâre happy and excited, arenât you?â âYesâŚ.kind ofâ âHmâŚ.doesnât sound convincingâ âYou knowâŚitâs a new situation for Josh and me. He is leaving in a few weeks and although heâs coming back every few weeks he will spend most of his summer in Europe. I would lie if I would say, Iâm totally okay with itâ âYes, I can totally understand it. Youâre afraid of what will come over you. Especially when Josh is away on tour. But you know, itâs his job. You canât change his life. He will keep touring until heâs grey and old I guess. At least thatâs how I get the measure of him. Heâs a 100% musician.â âI knowâŚ.and I love what he does and how he does it. Heâs so passionate about it. Right now heâs so excited for the new Chili Peppers record to be released butâŚâ âBy the way, whatâs the record called?â âThe Getaway. He only showed me three songs, they are about to release soonâ âOkayâŚ.Iâm excited. You know, if they come to Berlin you have to get me tickets!â Lara reminded me. âYes, for sureâ I laughed. âGreatâ âBack to the topicâŚ.Josh will be away on tour for the rest of the year and then the following year. Itâs not going to be easy but I will do my bestâ âBut I bet heâs excited and afraid as wellâ âHe is!â I started laughing. âHeâs reading all these guides about parenting and all this stuff. Itâs crazy. Itâs like he knows more about pregnancy and birth than me!â âSeeâŚ.thatâs cute!â Lara smiled. âWoahhh, you know I always thought that if two people are having a baby together, itâs serious. Itâs something totally serious because in a way they are always connected to each other. Even if they break up, there is always the child they have together.â I told her. âYou know, relationships can fail, you break up and everyone goes their own path. Sometimes one has to move out of the shared home but then youâre free again. But if you have a baby, you will always be connected. No matter if itâs positive or negative. Thatâs what scares meâ âBut you two are in love and you want to live together, donât you?â âYesâŚâ âAnd donât you wanna share your life with him?â âAt leastâŚ.I hope I doâ âSeeâŚ.it will be good in the end. I know itâ Lara told me with a smile in her face. âI bet Josh will be a great father even though heâs away on the road very often. He will find the time to see his little family and will catch every flight back home to LA to support you and to be with youâÂ
I hoped that Lara was right. Right now I was sure that Josh would exactly be like that - a good father. Although I couldnât really imagine him with a baby in his hands, I was sure he would take care of it very well. But what scared me the most was his absence the whole time when the Chilis would hit the road for a long world tour. I hated it and I wished he would quit. But I never told him. I would NEVER EVER tell him to quit because he loved it so much. Music and playing with the Chilis made him so happy, I couldnât imagine him doing anything else right now although sometimes he was a bit disappointed after coming home from the recording sessions for The Getaway. But I think after all he was happy with the new record they just made and so was I.
 April
Josh and I had two weeks left until he would leave for a few shows in New Orleans and finally in LA. Sure I would be at their show in LA. It was a charity event Will Ferrell and Chad Smith organized.
So today I was busy leaving him after breakfast because I had a date with Molly. She wanted to look for a wedding dress. It was already 1.5 years ago that Eric proposed to her and they decided to marry this summer. They wanted to do it last year but then Ericâs father got sick so they decided to wait until he would feel better and since they wanted to marry in the summer they finally saved a date in August. Josh and I would be there too and I was so excited. It would be the first wedding I would attend together with a serious boyfriend as date. âWhere are you going?â Josh wanted to know when I took on my jacket. âMeeting with Molly. You know, looking for a wedding dress for herâ âOh rightâŚ.â He seemed to remember. âBut donât drink champagneâ he grinned. I rolled my eyes. âJosh, guess what? Iâm a grown up! I can take care of myselfâ âBut youâre not alone anymoreâ âAnd you think I forgot it? That there is a little cell cluster growing in my bump?â âNo butâŚwhateverâ he said. I think he noticed that he already pissed me off with his overprotecting behavior towards me. âIâm pregnant but not sick, okay?â I let him know. âYes I knowâ he sighed. âI wonât drink any alcohol in the next year. I promiseâ âGoodâŚâ he gave me my bag. âBut please, take care of you, okay?â he said giving me a kiss on the bow. âI will take careâ I sighed. âI mean, with the traffic and soâŚ.you know, LA is very hecticâ âYes and Iâm driving here for almost 14 years now soâŚ.I donât know whatâs your problem. Iâm a good driverâ âI knowâ he grinned. âIâm just so anxious about you and the baby.â âAnd thatâs cute. But Josh, I should live my life just like I did before the pregnancy, right? Being too overprotecting isnât goodâ âYouâre rightâ he agreed with me. I opened the door and waved him until I went to my car.
I loved driving through the streets of El Sereno. I could really get used to living here. Josh asked me to move in with him two weeks ago. Only one week after I told him about the pregnancy. He really did think about the whole situation and I found it cute that he asked me. I agreed but since I have to pay my rent for my apartment until summer I decided to keep my own flat until then. So I would have some save haven when he would be on tour.
Although I loved living in his beautiful house I sometimes was scared because of its size. My whole life I was a bit afraid of burglar so being alone in his house made me freak out sometimes.
Molly was already standing in front of the first boutique. I parked the car and went to hug her. âYouâre smelling very freshâ âThanks. I think itâs the pregnancyâ I joked. âProbablyâ We entered the boutique and one of the assistants welcomed us. She asked what we were looking for and started her consulting. Molly told her exactly what she was looking for and after a few minutes she disappeared in one of the fitting rooms to try the first dresses. Meanwhile I was sitting there, waiting for her to come out and present her dresses to me. But none of them were right. She wanted something classic but also a little bit exclusive.
After four boutiques we finally drove to Hollywood. Molly heard about an insider boutique here. I wondered how it could be an insider if it was in Hollywood? But I let myself be surprised.
So after a long hour of driving to Hollywood we finally arrived at a very beautiful boutique near Santa Monica Boulevard. When we first entered it Molly fell in love with the whole boutique. It was very tiny and vintage and totally beautiful. And so were the dresses. Molly tried on three dresses. The assistant asked us if we want some champagne but we denied. âWe have to drive home safety plus, my date here is pregnant so no alc for herâ Molly told the assistant. âOh great! When will the baby be born?â the blonde woman in her 50s asked me. âUhm, at the end of November probablyâ âA November baby. Great! My two daughters are November babiesâ she smiled all over her face. Wow, motherhood must make you very happy I thought. When the assistant was needed at the checkout Molly started talking to me. âSo is it confirmed yet? November?â âYes, Josh and I saw a doctor last week and she told us that it will be born at the 27th Novemberâ âWowâŚ.and is he home at that time?â âHopefully he is. They will come back home from Vienna at 22nd Novemberâ âSee, thatâs the perfect planning, donât you think?â âIt isâŚ.sureâ I said a bit lost in thoughts. âBut?â âWhat do you mean?â âWell Eileen, I know you and the whole time when we were talking about the baby or the pregnancy you didnât seem to be 100% happy. Am I right?â Hm, if I was honest, she was right. âKind ofâ âBut why? Whatâs wrong?â now she left her fitting room to show me the first of three dresses. But it was a bit too long. So she stayed there, only talking to me instead of looking at herself in the mirror. âWhy are you so dismissive when talking about the baby?â âI donât knowâ I sighed. âI think Iâm just very stressed out by the whole situation. Plus, Josh bothers me with his overprotecting behaviorâ âReally? What does he do?â âHeâs always telling me what I have to eat and what not. And when I leave home alone he always says I should take care of me and not drive the traffic Highways. Heâs treating me like Iâm sick but Iâm just pregnant. I have the feeling he doesnât know the differenceâ âOhhhh, Iâm sorry to hear that sweetieâ she chuckled. âBut I think he only wants to protect you. Heâs so happy about the pregnancy. He recently told Eric and he couldnât find words to describe it. He said he has already wrote a few lyrics down about this feeling he has right nowâ âI know heâs just too cute butâŚ.Iâm so annoyed by him and his behavior. But I donât wanna tell him. I mean, I donât wanna hurt him.â âMaybe itâs just his way to show you how much he loves you and how happy he isâ âProbablyâŚ.â I sighed and sat down at the white leather chair. How beautiful it was. âBut youâre worrying about some more things, arenât you?â Molly kept asking while trying the second dress.Â
I thought about her question, the same question Lara recently asked me. âI doâ I answered.  âBut why?â she asked from her fitting room. âBecause he will be on the road soon and Iâm here alone. He wonât be by my side while Iâm pregnant because most of the time he will be on the road in Europeâ âBut he will be home when the baby is comingâ Molly reminded me. âWell, I hope so!â âSee, at least thatâs a good thingâŚ.â âBut whatâs next then? He will leave for another Europe leg. After the holidays they will tour the States for six months. Six fucking months!â âI thought they come home every two weeks?â âSure, they do. But you know how fast these two weeks or ten days of tour break are over? Most of the time Iâm home alone with a new born baby. Great. Thatâs how you raise a childâ âDid you talk with him about it?â âNot yetâŚ.I donât wanna hurt himâ âBut Eileen, itâs an important issue you both should talk about. Maybe he doesnât know that you have some problems with him being on the road for so longâ âWhat should he do then? Staying home? Looking for a new guitarist who can play for him at that time?â âNo butâŚ.sorry I donât have any adviceâ âSee, thatâs the problem. I canât tell him that itâs his job that bothers me. I mean, if he would be a teacher I couldnât say he should stop teaching because heâs at school too oftenâ âI see the problem but I think you canât change it. Itâs his life. Heâs a musicianâ âYeah, I know. Why did I have to fall in love with one?â âWell, you donât choose who you fall in love withâ âI knowâ I sighed.
âAt least you got pregnant. Some couples try it for a very long time but it doesnât happenâ âHmâŚwhat do you mean?â I asked her. I had the feeling she wanted to tell me something with her cryptic words. âI never told you but Eric and I tried it the last year. It didnât happen.â âAnd why did you stop?â âBecause he will be on tour this yearâ âSeeâŚ.the same problem. But youâre not pregnant yet so you can decide when to try it again. But in our case, for Josh and me, we canât decide anymore. We have to deal with the situationâ âYes but Eileen, look, a baby is a wonderful gift. And the destiny chose you to have one this year. No matter how far away Josh will be or how rarely you will see each other, you two will make it. I know it. You are strong enough to withstand this tour and then you can be happy with your baby boy or girlâ Hm, maybe Molly was right.
She tried on the third dress and immediately fell in love with it. Molly looked so stunning! The dress was just perfect for her. It wasnât complete white, it was a creme-white. She just looked so beautiful I couldnât find words. I was convinced that Molly would be the most gorgeous bride Iâve ever seen. Eric was such a lucky guy to have a wife like her by his side. And while she would rock this dress perfectly on her wedding day, I would standing by her side as a bridesmaid with a giant baby bump. Thatâs life. We bought the dress and afterwards had some pizza at the Sunset Strip. Sometimes I really liked Hollywood.
On our last day before Joshâs first short tour leg to a jazz festival in New Orleans and some following press days we drove to Santa Monica.
We were walking hand in hand and enjoyed the sun â at least I enjoyed the sun. It was the end of April so the sun was back again and it was already very hot. I loved LA for this weather. When I was in Berlin I missed the heat and the sun a little bit â although the summer in Berlin was also great but it was different. Nothing compared to California!
I was feeling very happy and grateful to be a California kid. I loved my hometown although there were times in my life when it pissed me off. But for many people LA is a something like a dream. They come here for a holiday and donât wanna leave but they have to. But I could stay here my whole life. I could watch the sunset at Venice my whole life. I could walk on the Santa Monica Pier my whole life. I could drive through the traffic on the highways my whole life. I could drive through the Hollywood Hills my whole life. I could have breakfast in my favorite cafĂŠ in Echo Park my whole life. I could visit the Echo Park Lake my whole life. I could have a beautiful view at the city at the Griffith Observatory my whole life. I could live in El Sereno my whole life. With this special person.
I was so happy finally living with Josh. The first days were totally normal because I often stayed at his house for a whole weekend or so but after one week it got a little bit awkward because we finally got to know some negative sides of each other while sharing a home. So I offered him my apartment if he would need some time for himself as well. But I think he was totally happy with going into his music room and playing some music to relax. Thatâs just how he was. And I loved it.
The new Chili Peppers record would be released in two months but Josh already gave it to me and I listened to it on my way to a date with some coworkers in Venice the other day. I loved it! Itâs sounding so great. I already had some favorites. I think âThis Ticonderogaâ just flashed me while listening to it for the first time. Same with âGoodbye Angelsâ.
Josh told me that most of the lyrics are about Anthonyâs ex girlfriend, a young model. I was still wondering how a man in his 50s can fall for a 19 year old girl but I think I should be more open to an age difference like that. I mean, if youâre in love, youâre in love, right? Maybe I reacted to harsh when I heard that Josh was dating Chloe, who was only 22. I mean, I was in love as a teenager with musicians who were 20 years older than me so I should shut up, right? There was another thing about the record that made him happy. Elton John played piano at one of their songs and every time Josh was talking about it he was smiling like a little child on Christmas day. I remembered that two years ago, after our break up, I wrote in the letter I sent him, that maybe one day his dream will come true and he will making music together with Elton John. Well, now it came true. And âSick Loveâ is one of the best songs on the album.
So after watching the sunset in Santa Monica we finally drove home. I already counted the hours until Josh would leave. Only 11 hours to go until he would leave home to fly over to New Orleans. Maybe it was because of the hormones but I noticed that I started being worried about the flights he was about to take in the next months. I hate flying so I was always a little bit worried when a loved one was on a plane. âI donât want you to leaveâ I said while we were driving on the Highway. âNeither do I want to leave you twoâ I chuckled when he said these words. âBut I have toâ he sighed. âBut this time itâs only a few days. Iâll be home at the 29th April. Itâs only 6 days.â âI know but it already feels like itâs an eternityâ I moaned. âIâm so sorryâ âIf it would only be a few weeks. But in June youâre leaving for a very long tourâŚ.â âBut I will be home every two or three weeksâ he reminded me. âThe Chilis have a very family friendly tour scheduleâ âYes butâŚ.itâs not the same. Our time together wonât be the same like before.â âWhy? I mean, we only have to do the best of our time together. Thatâs allâ âYes, I knowâŚ.and I guess youâre already used to the situation with being on the road and having a relationshipâ âIâm not really used to itâ he told me. âI always hate being away but itâs my job. It makes me happy at the same time although I will miss you and the baby and my family and friendsâŚâ âThe baby isnât born yetâ I laughed. âI know. But I already miss it. I miss touching your little baby bump every morningâ âThere is no real baby bump yetâ âOh I can see oneâ Josh grinned. Josh parked his car and we went into his house.
âWellâŚ.but it will be hard for me to be pregnant when youâre not aroundâ âBut you canât stop the pregnancy when Iâm away just to turn it on again when Iâm aroundâ Josh joked. âI knowâŚâ I sighed. âI wish I couldâ I laughed and he pulled me to the sofa. âI donât wanna leave you but I have to. And itâs only this tourâŚ.I mean, I will be home in August for more than three weeks. We then have nearly a three week break at the end of the year. Same in April next year. Then we will have the whole August off next yearâ âIt shocks me that your life for the next 1.5 years is already plannedâ âWell, I like it. So I can tell you when Iâm home and what we could do. I can also plan some music recordings with other musiciansâ âI knowâ âSo for me itâs good and I would freak out if I wouldnât know my schedule for the next yearâ âI knowâ I repeated myself and ruffled through his hair while sitting on his lap. I couldnât tell him to stay home. I just couldnât. I didnât have any right to do it. âAnything wrong?â Josh asked me and looked into my eyes. I looked back in his brown eyes and I realized that no matter what will happen, no matter how many kilometers will part us, we can make it. I believed in us.
Later that night we were laying in his bed â or should I call it our bed? Josh was reading some pregnancy guide again and I was just checking some mails. Finally he put the book away and started stroking my belly again. âIâm so happy and so proud and so grateful and so looking forward to meeting this little thing in your bellyâ âYouâre proud? Why? Of your sperms?â I joked. âNoâ he said irritated. âWell, maybe I shouldâ Josh grinned. âIt still takes two human beings to create a new human beingâ I let him know. âI know. And Iâm so excited if the baby will just be like its mother?â âDo you think it will be a boy or a girl?â âI hope for a girl!â âReally? Why?â âBecause I like the idea of having a girl. I could show her how to play the piano, guitar, maybe drums if she wants to. I could be the cool dad, you know.â âAnd if sheâs a teenager all of her girlfriends fall in love with you because youâre still looking like 35â I laughed. âNoâŚ.I hope notâ Josh said a bit shy. âI want to have a boyâ I told him. âWhy a boy?â he asked me. âBecause I always liked the idea of having a boy. I donât know why. I always saw myself with a boyâ âOkay, I could teach him as well if he wants to learn some instrumentâ âWhat if not?â âWell I think our child would have a very hard life if itâs not interested in music. I mean, look at us. Weâre both very crazy about musicâ Josh laughed. âYouâre rightâŚ.but youâre the musician, the rockstarâ âOh donât call me rockstarâ âSo how should I call you then? Flying in private jets to concerts, playing sold out shows with more than 20k people?â âHmâŚ.call me musician because thatâs what I amâ he smiled at me. âOkay, I will keep that in mindâ
âHow would you name a girl?â I asked into the silence between us. âHmâŚ.I always liked Emma or Sophieâ Josh said after thinking for a few moments. âIâm totally into Scandinavian namesâ âOkay, I like Emilyâ âSeeâŚ.itâs a bit like Emmaâ âDefinitely. And if itâs a boy I would name him Philâ âPhil? Naaaaa, I would name him Mathew or Marcusâ âWhaaat? Why?â âBecause I like the names. Maybe Daveâ âOh noâŚ.hmâ âWell, we have still some time to decideâ Josh smiled at me and gave me a kiss. We both fell asleep, his head on my shoulder, his arm still covering my belly.
The next morning was very hard. I didnât want it to come but time canât be stopped, right? So we breakfasted together and afterwards Josh took his bags and jacket. I was standing in the doorway while he was looking into my eyes, giving me on of the many last kisses. âIâll be home in 6 days and after the LA concert we have some more weeks until I would leave for Europe. Always stay positiveâ he smiled. âI try to!â âSee, six days will be over very fastâ âI hope soâŚ.at least itâs not six weeks!â I grinned ironically. âWell, have a good timeâ I said before standing on tiptoes to kiss him again. âOh and if you like to, you can take my car for driving. I know I have to rotate the tires, at least the system in my car told me to. But I think I can do it when Iâm back home next weekâ âYes, thanks. I will take itâ I said. I knew he wanted me to drive his car because it was safer than my old car. âSo goodbye my loveâ he finally said before walking down the driveway to the streets where a driver was already waiting for him. I waved him goodbye and finally went back inside.
 The following day Josh called me after their concert in New  Orleans. He said it was great because he met some great musicians there. All in all the Chilis had a good time at the Jazz Fest and they would fly over to San  Francisco for a special show they would play in two days. It was a secret gig. No one knew about it yet. It would be announced tomorrow morning and fans could only win tickets for the show.
So I spend the rest of the evening with watching âThe Perks Of Being A Californianâ. Yes, I was still liking the show although my boyfriendâs ex was part of it. I just loved the storyline. I already convinced Molly to start watching it and Lara was still a fan of it so sometimes we exchanged our views about the new episodes. Â Chloe was still part of the show. There were already four seasons and the fifth was about to come. I didnât really stalk Chloe after I got back together with Josh. I only know that some day she stopped posting pictures that were related to Josh. I think she finally realized that it was over. After one year. We didnât even talk much about her. The only thing he told me was that she texted him to inform him about the new seasons and invite him to the premiere. Thatâs all. Since Josh never really watched the show he wasnât interested at all. He didnât care about the show and how many seasons it had.
The next morning I was driving to school, having a short day. I only had to teach four classes and then I had the afternoon off. I loved Tuesdays at work. Only half a day.
Because of my free time I decided to do some grocery store shopping. So I drove from Pasadena back to El Sereno. The highway was very busy and I was struck in traffic for an hour. Finally I could drive again. I loved driving in Joshâs car. It was very big but also very modern. Totally different way of driving compared to my small car. Some day I will buy myself a SUV I thought.
When I almost had reached the grocery store I noticed that something was wrong with one of the back tires. I heard a loud noise. Like a bang. And I couldnât steer the car easily anymore. So I knew there was something wrong with the back tire. I tried to change the lanes and finally wanted to pull over.
I was right before a light when I saw another car in the rear view mirror coming closer. I had the feeling this car wouldnât stop. But right before I could do anything I only heard a loud bang and my head was pushed against the steering wheelâŚ. ____________
June 16, 2013 Dot Hacker at Pappy and Harrietâs in Pioneertown, CA
June 16, 2013 Dot Hacker at Pappy and Harrietâs in Pioneertown, CA #dothacker #joshklinghoffer #setlist #pappyandharriets #pioneertown #lawomanphoto #onthisday
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June 14, 2012 Dot Hacker, Josh Klinghoffer at the Satellite in Silverlake, Los Angeles, CA
June 14, 2012 Dot Hacker, Josh Klinghoffer at the Satellite in Silverlake, Los Angeles, CA #joshklinghoffer #dothacker #satellite #silverlake #losangeles #christyborgman #lawomanphoto #onthisday
Photo by Christy Borgman
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March 14, 2012 Dot Hacker, Josh Klinghoffer at the Troubadour in West Hollywood, CA #dothacker #joshklinghoffer #troubadour #westhollywood #losangeles #christyborgman #onthisday #lawomanphoto Photo by Christy Borgman






