#dollwithteeth

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A crack runs through me,

I cannot fit into it.

My own body doesn’t let me in,

Something huge is grabbing me

And Im staring at its open mouth

A mouth thats about to devour me

So the second before it throws me in

I bargain with death

I know he wont have mercy

He wont even look my way

When my head flies off

But staying quiet is not my way to go

So even when my body is eaten

And my head lies at deaths feet

I beg

Knowing my last words will be:

Please, let me stay in this life I cursed every day.

And that will be its punishment

The revenge for death itself

My cut off head will never stop howling

About how unfair it was..

If it takes me

I will be its damnation

Faces ruin it.

Names rot it.

Blood makes it ordinary.

I need it unconfirmed.

Watching, never arriving..

The moment it speaks,

It enters the realness,

The world.

And the world kills it.

[so please don’t exist, so I can love you still] 👁️

I am so fucking tired of being the exception.

The broken statistic

The body that didnt get the memo

That you’re supposed to function, comply, move on..

Not just be a name on a medical papers

I am tired of being the only one

Dragging a body that refuses me like a fucking plague

A mind that remembers everything

A history so violent it doesn’t fit into stories

Not horror

Not even true crime

Those at least get endings

Mine just keeps happening

You want monsters?

They wore my last name

They trained darkness until it learned my voice

And now it lives in me like an organ

There is a rage in my chest

So hot it burns my blood alive

So violent I forgot any other language

I have screamed myself mute inside my own head

And went deaf because of my own anger

And the joke..the sick cosmic joke

Is that I still dream

Still want

Still reach for something outside this corpse

I have never met a heart like mine.

A heart that would grow teeth and bite its way out of this body

Just to exist somewhere where it doesn’t ache..

It just keeps slamming against bone

Like it’s trying to break out of a crime scene

Like if it could just get free

It might finally be allowed to live

Instead of testify against itself

I am done being strong

Done being resilient

Those are medals they give to people

As a pathetic excuse for keeping them in this hurt

I don’t want to survive what happened

I want it to stop living in me

Tear open my chest up and step out of myself

I want a life that isn’t built entirely out of aftermaths

And the worst part

I am alone with it

No witnesses

No translations

Just me

Carrying something

That should have killed me

And it did

But still didn’t.

And now I live in this world in between

In this void

Where I hold death by its hand

And try to twist it broken at the same time

Im tired of it.

I want to hold a hand thats warmer.

How couldn’t I hear it back then?

The threat was always there,

always present..

My ears developed years later

so I could recognise it.

I cut them off,

but I still hear it..

because the clock is in my head.

So I cut it off,

but I still hear it..

because I exist in that head too.

Constantly happening

But it’s refusing to happen

Who can understand this..

Like an engine revving in neutral until the sound

becomes the whole experience..

It starts all the time.

Over and over

No movement

Just a sound of it

Just a hope of it

Just a fantasy..

I almost have a feeling my whole life is

just starting something that will never end.

A permanent intake of breath, but..

No release

You think breathing in is giving you life, but if inhaling is all you do, you’ll end up dead.

I live in starting so much

That all I want is..

There is no proof of my pain. I scream it into the void and it only bounces back to me.

I write it on the walls with my own blood and they call it art, they call it desperation for attention, they call it…pathetic

When its real name is death.

Its death what i feel. Not even pain..

Im scared to cry because my heart gets so weak it almost leaves me every time.

Im scared to smile because my body screams its not true, and it punishes me for lying with more pain.

Im scared to scream because every time i do, death whispers back.

There is nothing left to do..But stay still.

Hoping i am standing in its blind spot

The heaven is closed to me. And one wrong move.. and hell will embrace me.

..please.. what is my way out of this..?

..But whisper it quietly

up”

They say

But their voices

are muffled

I am buried in the

ground

With mouth full of

dirt

So i cant even

scream for help

The dirt was my

only food here

Im overdosed by it

Becoming one with

it

Ground under my

nails from all the

times i tried to

crawl up

Only to find out

I was going deeper

Come, try to at

least dig your arm

where i am

They flinch even

at a soft grass

under them

They never

experienced being

suffocated by

death

So no

I dont feel your

sun when im 6 feet

under

The only touch i

feel are the worms

under my skin

Eating me alive

after i ate them

And when i’ll

become them, maybe

only then

I will be able to

crawl my way out

And feel the sun

you’re talking