The dog's guide to the Olympics.
The dogs guide to the Olympics.
Thanks to Jade for the inspiration!
I said the other day that if my Mummy’s Dad did not stop changing the channels while watching the Olympics I was going to a) chew the remote so it would be stuck on the one station unless he wanted to change the channels manually which ain’t going to happen given how lazy you humans are and b) chew him. He claimed that because they have the 8 channels of Olympics on Foxtel there was more choice but I think humans are not so good with choices. Take Mummy for instance. I have known her to previcate for a good half an hour over whether she was a grilled flake and chips or a fish cake from the fish and chip shop. (I am not even exaggerating!) So I thought I’d help out all you sports lovers with....drum roll....the dog’s guide to the Olympics.
Swimming: For dogs swimming is generally about one thing- getting somewhere, from one end or side of the pool or river to the other. But humans go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth and quite frankly this just looks like a whole lot of unnecessary exercise. And then there is the fact they have four main styles of swimming; freestyle, backstroke, butterfly and breastroke. Dogs have one; doggy paddle, which, despite my many complaints, has still not been added to the Olympic swimming program. Doggy paddle is the fastest way from point A to B so I don’t get why the human swimmers don’t understand this. I think perhaps they’re just a little bit thick?
Diving: Strangely in this sport the judges rate the humans who make the least splash the highest which seems the wrong way round to me. Us dogs belly flop into the water with the aim of making the most splash possible. And we score higher if we also manage to splash water all over the humans either in or out of the pool.
Running: Why? They’re not chasing anyone or being chased so why are they so eager to run? Is there a dog choc or big juicy bone hanging from the finishing line and the first there gets it? No. So again I ask why run?
Hurdles: Some dogs might like to jump over hurdles (I’m talking about those fancy pants dogs who go to agility class here) but the majority would either just knock them over out their way as though they were a pesky human trying to wrestle them into a bath or go around them again as though they were a pesky human trying to get them into a bath or into the V-word. (Worse than the S and F words.)
Gymnastics: my favourite due to the manly sparkly costumes. I don’t get the gymnastics with the ribbon but I do like the one with the ball. However they don’t even chase the ball which makes no sense and instead of sitting down and chewing it or waiting for someone to throw it to fetch it they dance all around it? Weird.
Boxing: two men, or women, punching one another. I have often felt the urge to give my Mummy a quick jab but I’m more of a lover than a fighter. (Though be warned if I do have to fight I am going to come out on top due to my ninja/army skills and my opponent will be forced to spend a night in the V.E.T.s.) In this sport two humans try to knock one another out. I have it on good authority they are fighting over who will be top dog and get to be the leader of the pack- which means having the hottest female dogs and the biggest bowls of food. So, when I think about it some, I actually do get this sport.
Weightlifting: they would be able to lift much, much more weights if they did it the doggy way- by holding the bar in their mouths.
Shooting: the humans in this sport want to prove they have the ability to shoot two clay pigeons with one shot.
Badminton: they have to keep that little shuttlecock (I thought Mummy was being rude when she called it that but then I did think she called it a softcock- pardon my language) off the ground so the dog does not get to chew it. Given how much we like to chew- or destroy if you are listening to the humans- things it makes some sense to me.