#doginshoe

 His idea of natural blush, hair tightly wound and holding the air of a lady when she was young wasn’t something that Lucy had enjoyed in her childhood. Her private tutor made sure that she could hold an aspirin between her knees at all times. It made her father proud seeing her with a head held high and back straight as a board - the look of a daughter he could be proud of. 

It wasn’t until her late teens that she enjoyed fashion. No longer being held to the confines of what she had to wear, Lucy made bold choices - Many that were met with disapproval. It was exhilarating to learn new makeup looks and try out a pop of colour. Not that it was drastic by any normal person's standards, but to Lucy - she couldn’t contain the confidence she felt. When she was able to choose her own looks, her own sense of self, she felt empowered and it gave her some control. That’s what Lucy had thought. 

It was silly, but it brought a sense of gratification that she didn’t think anyone could take away from her. They could try, just like her father had, but she would always bring her own flare to every style. It’s what she had always been drawn to about beauty.

Her fingers traced over the cut on her lip first, brown eyes staring back at her whilst she looked in the mirror. Yet, it didn’t look like her. The Lucy she saw was unfamiliar. Her skin was marred. 

She looked ugly.

Staring back at herself, she felt like she was looking at a different person. Her chest felt numb whilst she pulled her eyes over every inch of herself that was available in Natsu’s small mirror. She had to swallow back the pain that she felt building in her chest, throat dry as she tried to bring some moisture into her mouth. 

The Lucy she saw wasn’t one her father would be proud of. It wasn’t even someone that she was proud of.

The bruises on her neck had begun to turn yellow at the edges, resembling a smudge rather than the hand print that had previously painted the area on her pale skin. The cuts were scabbed over now, if they weren’t sloppily wrapped by Natsu’s persistent care. Her eyes were bloodshot with a dark purple lining underneath them, showing the world of the sleepless nights she had since she had left Jackal. 

Lucy didn’t feel beautiful. And no matter how many times she carefully dabbed at her face, or held a tea bag against her eye hoping the bruising would clear, it stayed. It had dulled slightly, but Natsu had said those marks would be lingering for a while longer. 

Her brown eyes flickered to the door, listening to the quiet mumbles of her ‘new roommate’ and Gray, a friend of Natsu’s. Their voices were too hushed for her to know what they were talking about. 

She assumed it was about her. 

How crazy Natsu was for letting her stay here- How much of an idiot he was for getting involved with someone like her. Lucy had more than her share of baggage, and it was spilling shamelessly out into the open for everyone else to clean up. 

She knew Gray was close to telling her to get out himself, or building Natsu’s courage to tell her that it was a mistake that he invited her in. A mistake to let her stay - she was a mistake. 

It wasn’t Natsu’s responsibility to pick up after her. 

Her eyes burned. They felt raw from how many times she cried and furiously wiped at them. She didn’t want to cry. It was too late to cry, but everytime she looked at the face staring back at her in the glass mirror, pools were forming in her eyes. It was the pathetic face of someone ugly. Stained and tarnished. 

-

The dinner table had been pushed against the wall. Two chairs were missing from the side that now kissed the wall, the other two tightly tucked on the other side. Lucy became accustomed with the space that she now lived, the width of a single mattress between the side of the couch and one of the legs of a dining room chair. 

The bed was bare, slightly beaten and worn. It was Gray's roommates, but he had no use for anymore. Now gifted to Natsu’s roommate - to her. Lucy heard brief mentions of the city that he had moved to after his mum died, but the two men weren’t talking to her. They spoke quietly, in sentences that weren’t finished and were left hanging between them as they stared at each other and Lucy’s new home. The space between the couch and the chair on Natsu’s floor. 

Gray gave Natsu a hard pat on the back. “If you need anything else just let me know.”

“Mm,” Natsu let out a sigh. “Thanks.”

Lucy looked up only to meet the dark haired man's stare. He didn’t say anything, only a curt nod and an uneasy pull of the lips before he gave Natsu another pat down and flicked his keys from his pocket before opening the front door. 

“See ya!”

Natsu waved, and the fly wire shut with a rattle and a bang leaving the two alone. He stared hard at the mattress, a deep frown sinking onto his face and Lucy resisted the urge to shift her gaze. The air between them had been uncomfortable. Not much had been said, but not much needed to be. Natsu had been a silent protector, holding her as she screamed whilst she lost everything. Her marriage and her house. Her job. 

“How are you feeling?” His eyes were on her now and she resisted the urge to squirm in place. 

Lucy twitched the sides of her lips up in a feigned smile. “Better.” She looked away as she took in a breath, nodding towards the mattress. “Thank you for all this.”

She had been sleeping in Natsu’s bed for the time being. He had taken the couch. Not that it helped. Lucy couldn’t tell him that she didn’t sleep in that room. She couldn’t. She lay awake the first night and soon she preferred to sit on the floor until the sunrise. The room was painful to be in. This house was painful. Lucy wasn’t thankful at all. She rather wished that she were dead. 

Though, she pushed those thoughts down. It was only when she curled up in a ball and wept in the middle of the night that she truly wished that she would sink beneath the surface of the earth. It was much easier to be dead. 

“Mm.” The sound of the newly familiarised hum met her ears. “I’ll get you something to eat.” 

Lucy twined her fingers together, digging her thumbs into her palms as she nodded. “Sure.” Natsu had started ‘the hum of disappointment,’ as she called it, shortly after they started living together. It was around every corner of bad news that they continued to stumble across, to fill in the awkward lull as they made small talk and walked the invisible roads to avoid each other as much as possible. 

“Okay.” He skulked towards the kitchen, beginning to bang around as he pulled out the staple food that they had both been living off for the past two weeks. Cornflakes. 

Lucy made her way to sit across from him on the island bench. It had taken her a while to pick up her appetite again. She didn’t feel hungry, only a sort of ache that started from the back of her throat all the way down to her stomach. She felt empty, but everytime she found the will to start eating, nausea replaced it. It turned to sickly mush in her mouth, much too sweet and much too bitter. 

Cornflakes she found the easiest. Natsu liked to mix his with a cigarette and some sort of drink. Most of the time it was black coffee. This morning it was orange juice and vodka. Lucy screwed up her face. 

Natsu’s eyes flickered to her face, lazily finishing the cereal as they ate in silence. This was what their meals looked like now. Cold milk and silver spoons clinking on Natsu’s chipped and cheap bowls. 

If this had been before… Well, if they had made it out of bed. Lucy would’ve made a comment on the state of his dishware - a cheeky remark that would’ve possibly got her an elbow to the ribs, furrowed brows as Natsu wound his fingers between hers and said something in that voice he does just before he’s about to do something… mischievous.

“Oh come on, Luce.”

 And Lucy would’ve laughed, smiling ear to ear as he trapped her in her seat and covered her with kisses. First to her neck as she squirmed in place until he began to leave a wet trail up her cheek with his tongue- 

“Is everything okay?” Natsu’s voice cut in, the concern already thick in his tone as he slowly began to lower his spoon back down. “Is it the Cornflakes? I know…” He sighed. “I should really get you something proper to eat.” 

“Mm.” Lucy pulled her eyes down. 

That was before though. Now they sat together in silence until Natsu could feel even the slightest change in her face, the slightest hint that she could possibly be feeling dull and he would pounce on her. Lucy could see him berate himself in his eyes at every turn. The wear in his face showed that this was taking its toll on him. She felt as if she was his in house patient and he was at fault for the condition that she was in. 

“No, no… no.” She poked around the cereal. “Just…” Lucy cleared her throat. “It’s a little early in the day for a drink, isn’t it?”

“Sometimes a day calls for drinking.” 

His whole face had been turned upside down, lines dragging down his eyes and mouth into a permanent grimace. She knew it was because of her. Natsu was tired. Tired of looking after some stranger who he thought was just a casual fling. She felt the tiniest twinge pull up the side of her mouth, a sick feeling to laugh because what else could she do. This was barely meant to be a one night side, her own self pity getting the better of her as she tried to show herself the love she couldn’t give to herself with a man she didn’t know. 

Lucy’s stomach flipped. 

Natsu used to be someone who always had a smile on his face, a certain light to his eyes that Lucy found an escape in. What she used to live through. Sure, he had his many habits from a heart that had been run a little thin. But, it was still warm and was welcoming people through the front door. Now he looked cold - like wet coals on a suffocated fire. And Lucy was the storm that snuffed him out. 

She put down her spoon. The cereal had become soggy and she didn’t feel like she could muster up her small appetite again. Lucy squeezed her hand around the edges of the stool, not tearing her gaze from the bowl. Her chest was filling up, squeezing tight around her bones as she tried to dismiss the flashes. The moments that led her to this moment, thinking of Jackal-

Natsu huffed, dragging a hand down his face. “I’m sorry. It was a late shift last night. I’m just tired.” 

He looked up to the clock that Lucy had always lectured him about being set an hour and 32 minutes and 5 seconds ahead. She knew because she had timed it herself - a silly joke that escalated too quickly. She hadn’t made that comment in awhile. 

“It’ll be another late one tonight too I imagine.” He didn’t meet her eyes as he returned to down the rest of his glass. His finger thumbled along the bench as he put it down, letting the silence sink into both of them. 

Lucy couldn’t say much of anything.  

Natsu sucked on his teeth, dark eyes drawn to the cup as if he was thinking about what he was going to say. Or maybe, he was waiting for her to speak. She wasn’t sure anymore. Her mind was not giving her much relief about either two outcomes. 

He hopped up. “Well, I really need to shower. Le’me know if you need anything.” Natsu stretched, before his hands fell - one almost reaching out to clasp her shoulder. But he recoiled, a wince coming onto his face as his eyes seemed to recognise her appearance once more - reminding him of the position they were in. “I-I’ll try to get some stuff from the shops soon.”

When she heard the click of the bathroom door Lucy made a move to gather the dishes. It wasn’t much, but she had been silently showing her gratitude for all Natsu had done for her by trying to keep the house tidy. She’d make sure there was a blanket and pillow on the couch, his work clothes were clean for him by the time he had to get ready in the morning and there wasn’t a trace that anyone, besides himself, breathed in the house. She pulled up her long sleeves, pushing out large puffs of air through her nose. 

Lucy knew she was already crying. It wasn’t something that she was in control of anymore. It didn’t take long for her breathing to become laboured, shaky exhales leaving her as she tried to hold it in, but the sound of her sniffling already reached her ears. The hot flush in her face told her that she was as fragile as glass while her hands under the running water became blurry. She failed at rubbing her face with her forearm, biting on her tongue to quiet her sniffles as she cleaned the bowls.

There were so many reasons for her to be crying at this moment. Her body still ached in places where Jackal had touched her, just taking a breath was painful. He had taken everything from her - broken most of her belongings. Lucy felt like it had been her own fault, but because of that man she couldn’t leave the house. What could she have told everyone at work? It was one thing to pass off a couple of irregular bruises on her arms and legs, but her face? The damage that he had caused wasn’t something she could write off to someone. It was his fault that she got fired. That she had absolutely nothing to her name because he had used everything that she had. 

On himself. 

That she had thought that she had loved him and he chose to tear their life apart. 

But the only thing she could think of was the guilt that was tearing her apart. The feeling of how she was no better than her husband as she continued to use the man that still opened his home to her after she had lied to him. 

Pathetic. That’s how Lucy had felt. She didn’t know who she was anymore, what kind of person she had turned into. But, it wasn’t someone that she could be proud of. A few wrong turns… A few mistakes and somehow she ended up here. 

As she switched off the water, her lips tugged down. The feeling that she greeted with open arms, once again sat within her chest. It had been making frequent visits before, but now it had permanently taken residence. The weight filled her rib cage as she gripped the edge of the bench whilst she furiously wiped at her eyes - ragged breaths, in and out. 

Most of all she was guilty for feeling sorry for herself.