Anxiety
I have a problem. I am afraid of dogs (basically all animals but dogs are definitely the ones I come across the most).
I know what you might think: HOW CAN I BE AFRAID OF THE BEST CREATURES ON THE PLANET? I am afraid of telling people about this fear. Instead of fear, it always seems to come across as hating them. Which clearly isn’t the truth.
I was afraid of dogs as long as I can remember. Not mentally, if that makes sense. I love the idea of dogs. I love the idea of cuddling with them. I love the idea of them being my friend. I want a dog so badly. But when I come near one, I freak out. Its like having a mini panicattack. My heart starts beating faster and I get the feeling of going to faint. The difference with my “normal” anxiety and this fear is that I can’t control it. My anxiety, I can handle, one days better than another. But my fear of dogs is visible for everyone around me. Last year, a close friend of mine got a puppy. He is the cutest dog I have ever seen. I hoped that this dog would finally make me lose my fear. But it all turned out to be a complete nightmare. It was okay at first, when he was incredibly small. But the second time I saw him, he tried to jump up at me. And my anxiety kicked in. In front of a whole group of people, I panicked and started crying, trying to escape this situation. Suddenly, I couldn’t control myself anymore. My anxiety I can hide but when I am confronted with a dog, my body won’t listen to me anymore. It’s a serious, and for me, very dangerous topic. Not only could I faint in a public space, but also accidently jump on a crowded street if a dog approached me. I avoid any situation a dog could be involved in. Going to the local parc to have a rest in the sun is impossible. Same goes with having a run around the streets. Dogs are everywhere. And I hate it. Pretty much anybody knows about my fear of dogs (my family and close friends at least). But even they don’t understand. All they say is “he won’t do you any harm, it’s just a dog”. And that’s the thing: I know, it’s just a dog. I KNOW he has never bitten anyone ever. I KNOW I shouldn’t be afraid. But I CAN’T control it.
A reason for my incredibly bad fear might be that I have had two incidents with dogs before. When I was about 13, going home from school, I walked along this empty road with two friends when suddenly a massive, black dog ran out of a garage, across the street and attacked me. Luckily, he only bit my bag instead of my butt but same thing: This dog tried to bite me and would have bitten me if I didn’t wear that bag. The owner didn’t care, just called the dog back. Didn’t apologise or anything. I should have told someone but I guess I was in shock and thought my parents wouldn’t believe me or something (I never wanted to make a fuss about how I felt and stuff like that).
Many years later, at a little festival in fall two years ago, there was another accident. It was dark outside, I was walking though a crowd when suddenly, I felt shooting pain in my ancle. I thought I was stuck somewhere. Turned out, I got a little too close to a dog, that was chilling in between a group of people and said dog bit me. Luckily, the bite wasn’t too deep but it did hurt. But the mental impact was even worse. My fear got seriously out of hand (to the point where I cry if a dog gets too close, yes). I still have a very visible scar that reminds me everyday of that dog, who was probably as scared of me that I was scared of him.
But all I could think was: Why me? Why the girl that was already suffering?
It’s just something I wanted to write about because, as for most mental illnesses, and I guess, it’s a serious mental illness, it’s not talked about enough. I want to seek help. And I will seek help, hopefully if I am done with studying and have some time and place, where I can control it.
But in the meantime, If you do have tips or similar experiences, let me know, I would appreciate it quite a lot.
