#doc jane

#HurtToHeal #Flashback

Written by @LordshipHalogen @Qhuinn_BDBFM and @TenaciousDoctor.

 #Warning #Triggers Mentions of sexual abuse and torture

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 Jane: *The chaos that had been rife earlier in the evening had subsided as I sent the brothers and all the family on their way. The patients needed their rest and so far I had Qhuinn and Blay patched up and almost back to normal in the next room. V and Butch insisted on hanging around, but that was better than having everyone down here and V was at least helpful. I had been trying all night to keep everyone, who isn't vital to the job at hand, away.  The last thing Lass needed was for everyone seeing him like this. He was severely injured and the healing that had taken place was questionable to the highest degree.

 The wounds had left scars and it was assumed salt was used on the wounds. The angel’s wings had started healing but after doing some X-Rays, it was clear that they had been broken and healed several times and they didn’t heal correctly. I couldn’t begin to imagine the torture he must have suffered through. I cringed and took a deep breath as his eyes opened*  Lass… you’re safe.  Do you know where you are?  *I watched him carefully but kept some distance between us to see what his reaction was first.  After what he had been through, it was anyone’s guess how he would react. Another reason I wanted to be the only one in the room when he woke up*

 Lassiter:

Consciousness seemed like an insurmountable task as I tried to wade through the lingering darkness. I wish I could say I’d held out for the Brothers, stayed awake long enough to make sure they all made it out of that Creator-forsaken place alive, but as Crhis lifted me over his shoulders, the pressure on my lungs, my ribs and my back won out. The blackness that had so long taunted me around Lash roared up and knocked me down, until I didn’t know where, what or who I was. I just knew that it hurt.

 There’d been a naive time in my angel life where I’d thought, or assumed, that we couldn’t be knocked out, or down. That we were strong enough to hold out and fight off almost any foe, wage war with every demon and come out on top. God, how fuckin’ young I had to have been then… We also, normally, didn’t dream. We didn’t need sleep. But consumed by the darkness the nightmares surged, until it was a relief to hear a familiar voice and reach for it.

 It was gentle. Warm. Everything Lash ‘wasn’t’, and that alone soothed the visceral fear I was still there, in the persuasion centre, waiting for whatever hell came next. Forcing my eyes open with an effort, I took a rasping breath, then tried to speak, to clear my throat. It felt like I was trying to talk through gravel, and I coughed and choked.

 “…w-water…” I managed.

 My gaze lifted to the Doc, and for a second, one magical fucking second, she was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen. A symbol of home, health and healing. Of hope.

 Then reality ran me the fuck over in Rhage’s trumped up car.

 I was mangled, my wings a mess, my back a knot of scars and my ribs and internals struggling to heal without the sunlight my body craved. Then there were the dried stains of /gross/ all over me, evidence of Lash’s depravity, and the fact my hair was every kind of ruined you could think of. I was covered in my own blood, dirt and worse, and I was back in a house with males and females that deserved an angel a helluva lot higher up the food chain than the likes of ‘me’. My gaze fell from hers, and I couldn’t bring myself to meet it again, even as she brought the water over and helped me sip.

 “Thanks Doc…” I managed softly, looking down instead at my torn and bloodied wrists. “The chains…”

 Jane:   *The room lightened up for a second as Lass opened his eyes.  A glimmer of hope flickered in those white pupils, but that glimmer was quickly overshadowed by a blast of darkness.  The entire room felt darker and colder.  I poured half a glass of water and helped the angel to take small sips until he shook his head.  Walking back, I placed the glass down and stood at the end of the bed.  

 Speaking in a soft tone* Lass, if you look at the instrument on the bed beside you, you will see a button at the end of it.  Press that button to release pain medication when you feel the need for it.  *I watched as Lass nodded and took hold of the PCA pump*  It has a built in overdose control, so you can press it whenever you want.  

 *I smiled as he pushed the button and gave him a few seconds for the meds to work.  My movements were slow and careful as I walked around the bed, keeping a close eye on his reactions with every step I took that had me closer to his bed.  Once I was close enough to reach out and touch him, I slowly put my hand forward and let it rest on the bed*

 We have a lot to talk about and we will do that when you are ready to talk.  For now, we need to get you fixed up and healed.  It’s still night out , but the sun will be up in the next hour.  *I paused and waited for my words to sink in, knowing he has so much going though his mind right now, that he possibly wasn’t registering much*  

 Your wings need to be reset *I swallowed before continuing*  To do that, I need to break them and reset them correctly for the sun to heal. Do you understand, Lass?

 *I wasn’t sure he was taking in anything I was saying.  His eyes were blank and he showed no sign of comprehension*

  Lassiter:  

My eyes flicked to the PCA Pump and without much thought I reached for the button, hitting it a couple of times until I felt a little more numb. The pain down my spine, through my chest, faded to a dull throbbing ache, but it was manageable. Releasing it, I didn’t look up as Doc Jane moved around the bed. She did everything slowly, carefully, giving me the time to see her and know her intent. A part of me hated that she was reduced to that with /me/, but another part, one far larger than I realized until just now, was grateful. The tense lock of my shoulders was something I couldn’t seem to relax, regardless of the fact I was safe in the manse, and the realisation that I’d probably jump if she moved too fast made me feel like a fucking pussy.

 Pulled from my thoughts by the movement of her hand, I watched it come to rest on the bed near me, close enough to touch and yet not. I was really remembering why I liked this female. She even knew that now was definitely not the time I wanted to talk. Hell to the no.

 The fact the sun was only an hour away made me nod slowly. If I’d made it this far through the night I’d be fine once daylight arrived. A few hours outside and the worst of it would be healed. I’d be tender for a few days probably, but at least I’d be alive…

 “What?”

 I glanced up then, hearing the word ‘break’ in her calm, soothing voice. There’d been a hitch too, as if she was afraid of what was coming, and I knew then that I probably should be too, even if I did have pain killers now…

 My eyes fixed on her shoulder, still not able to meet her gaze as I took it in. Closing my eyes, I nodded slowly, trying to wade through the internal darkness and the drugs to give her a decent response.

 “I understand…” I managed quietly. “You’ll need help too…” She was strong, but I doubted the female was going to have it in her to break my wings in the spots they needed, after the muscle and tissue had healed them into place crooked. “Who…”

 My stomach turned so sharply I felt I might be sick as I thought of the males on the other side of that door, of one of the Brothers touching my wings, of seeing me like /this/. Breathing hard through my nose, a shudder ran through me as my hands shook, bringing both to my lap and touching at the bruised and ruined skin from the cuffs.

  Jane:   *turning slowly, I walked over to the glass cabinet and opened the door.  Eyes scanning the contents for what I needed, I reached in and grabbed the small container.  I closed the glass door softly and returned to the bed.  I held the container up for Lass to see*  This is a healing balm.  We like to refer to it as miracle balm.  It will soothe the skin and ease the pain.  Are you okay with me applying some to your wrists?

 *I waited until Lass nodded and offered me one wrist, then applied a generous amount of salve to once wrist and then the other, knowing the relief would be instant.  Placing the container on the silver tray beside the bed, I pulled the chair up and took a seat next to the bed*

 I will give you local anesthetic to ease some of the pain, but I’m not gonna lie.  It’s still gonna hurt.

 You tell me, who do you want me to call, to help with your wings.  Say the name and you can be rest assured that will be the only person besides me allowed in this room, until you say otherwise.

 *I offered the angel a soft, reassuring smile and waited quietly for his answer*  

  Lassiter:   

By some miracle I didn’t flinch when Jane applied the balm, rubbing the ointment onto my wrists as I watched. She hadn’t lied; the relief was near instant, the aching burn fading away as the whole area went as numb as the rest of me.

 I wasn’t sure what I wanted the most: my wings fixed, my wounds healed by sunlight, or a shower to wash away the stains still left by Lash. I knew all of them would happen, but even if I was two steps from getting into a steaming hot shower it wouldn’t be soon enough. I couldn’t risk going out into the sun for another healing ritual without fixing my wings first, not needing my body to further heal what was actually damaged, and once my wings were broken and reset, the sunlight would be more urgent to insure the first issues didn’t re-occur. So thanks to logic, the shower listed dead fucking last, even if it was the thing I craved the most.

 The offer of pain killers was a plus, but I knew she was right - breaking my wings again was going to be excruciating. And through it all, there was really only one male I trusted with the task right now. I only hoped he was alright.

 “Qhuinn, please Jane,” I managed, shifting to sit forward with a hiss, knowing I needed to be braced with my back bared. I reached for the sheets, thinking to cover myself up, hide some of the damage and debris, before I realised it didn’t matter. Qhuinn would smell the pain, sense the fear. He would smell Lash on me, and he’d ‘know’. Guilt washed through me as I thought of the fang marks, the fact the demon spawn had fed from me and used that strength to fight the male I cared for.

 “Fucking hell…” I muttered, looking down, shoulders slumping.

  Jane:   *giving Lass a small nod, I stood up and pushed the chair aside*  Qhuinn is in the recovery room next door with Blay.  I’ll go and see how he is doing and if he is up to the task right now.

*part of my job was to detach myself from the situation at hand, but working so closely with the family made it almost impossible.  Most surgeons did what they had to do without giving too much thought for anything else.  I didn’t have that luxury and this was one of those situations where I had to put up a strong, professional front but inside was a woman sliding down the wall with tears streaming down her face.

It was painful to see what the angel was going through and it was even worse knowing I can only do so much right now, and that the emotional healing was a long and difficult road.

I was always grateful for this family, but it was times like these that the gratitude multiplied tenfold.  I knew that whoever he chose to have by his side would be there for him 200%.

I turned as Lass cursed quietly and opened the door, seeing V and Cop still waiting outside.  I gave them a quick rundown and told them not to let anyone into Lass’s room while I went to speak to Qhuinn.

When I entered the recovery room, it was dead quiet.  Qhuinn was awake and Blay was asleep, or pretending to be asleep.  His breathing gave him away, but I figured he didn’t want to talk.  I walked around Blay’s bed to Qhuinn and started checking his vitals and wounds.  He was pretty banged up earlier, but most of his injuries had healed already.  The only injury still knitting itself together was his broken jaw.  The bruising made it look worse than it actually was.  I placed the stethoscope around my neck and pulled up a chair*

You’re doing good.  You’re almost healed up and ready to get out of here.  I do have something to ask though.  *I explained the situation with Lass’s wings and that Lass asked for him specifically to help with the resetting.  Before I even finished the sentence, Q was out of bed and heading for the door.  Damn, fast vampires*  Hold up!!

  Qhuinn:  *Jane walking into the room was a relief.  I wanted to get the fuck out of here.  I could hear from Blay’s breathing that he was awake and the silence cut right through me. He didn’t want to talk and I wanted to give him his space, but fuck… this was heavy shit.  

 What pissed me off even more is that I wasn’t allowed to see Lass.  I came close to knocking V and Butch out.  Who the fuck made them the visitors police any fucking way.  

 Jane was still talking and as soon as she said the magic words, I was out of bed.  She’s a ghost, surely she can speed it up.  I needed to see the Angel and these fuckers were lucky I didn’t already lose my shit. I flew down the the tunnel and stopped when V and Cop blocked my way to the door.  Jane was waving and shouting at me to slow down and wait.  Fuck.  What now?  I stopped and turned to face her.  The look on her face had me back tracking fast and I shut up and listened.  

  Jane:   Qhuinn!!  *I half ran, half floated after him, losing my corporeal form.  I shouted at V and Cop* Don’t let him in yet!!  *creepers, he was fast!!  When he stopped dead in front of the door and I finally had his attention, I started firmly*  listen to me nicely.  Lass is in a bad state.  Really bad.  Go in slowly and don’t make any sudden moves.  

 *I watched Qhuinn’s face pale as he took in what I was saying.  He clearly realized that Lass hasn’t been able to heal yet, but he was still in for a surprise when he sees Lass’s emotional state.  I had to prepare him and make sure he didn’t make anything worse*

 Let me go in first, and you follow behind me.  Literally do what I do until he knows it’s you with him.  Don’t go close to his bed until you’ve asked him if it’s okay.  Do you hear me, Qhuinn?

  Qhuinn:  *I felt my body freeze as Doc Jane spoke.  WTF.  I know PTSD is bad, but was this really necessary.  I wasn’t gonna argue with her, but I had a feeling she wasn’t telling us everything.  She told us about his injuries and the broken wings that had healed incorrectly.  I was sure that she gave the rest of the family and the first family the same update, but something was missing here.

 I nodded and waited for her to open the door and walk in, staying behind her and moving in quietly.  The moment I laid eyes on the Angel, I drew in a deep breath.  Fuck.  

 He looked bad and he looked defeated.  His beautiful eyes were locked on an imaginary spot on the white sheet and his shoulders were slumped.  He was far from the usual, happy and confident Lass we are used to.  My instinct was to go up to him and pull him into my arms, but I focussed on Doc Jane’s words and waited just inside the door.

 Mismatched eyes watched her as she carefully approached Lass and told him I was in the room and that no one else beside me and her were there.  She was reassuring him that he was safe and that V and Cop were right outside the door and no one was gonna get past them.

 I felt uneasy.  Very uneasy.  Something wasn’t right.  I waited until Lass nodded and Jane gave me the go ahead and walked up to the side of the bed, trying my best not to make any sudden moves.  

 Most of his body was covered with sheets or blankets, but what I could see started telling a story, but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions without the facts.  I saw a few bite marks, but we had already established that Lash’s super vampire power came from an angelic boost.

 I knew what a sadistic piece of shit Lash was and the whole time I was lying in the bed next door, I was praying that what I expected Lash had done, wasn’t done.  Right now, I need to keep my shit together and not think of that.  But the way the Angel looked was making it very hard to do.  I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion.  I swallowed hard and watched as Doc Jane carefully helped him to sit up.  He still wasn’t looking at me.  I wanted to reach out and help, but a voice inside my head warned me to stay the fuck put*

 Lassiter:  

I barely managed a nod as the Doc explained she’d get Qhuinn, quietly heading toward the door and slipping out with barely a whisper. It was kind of her to bother with using the door like a normal person, but I figured she’d probably freak the fuck outta whoever was waiting on the other side of the door by just ghosting through it.

 Left to the silence and my own thoughts, I struggled not to turn inward, to sink into the black miasma that was memory and pain. A shower was going to help, but until then I couldn’t escape the feeling that I was dirty. Tainted. The Creator himself probably wouldn’t touch me right now…

 “Cut. It. Out.”

 I bit out the words, dragging in a breath through my nose and letting it out slowly. I’d been through this shit show before… Sure, it had been a century or so, but I’d bounced back then, and I’d fucking do it again now. I hadn’t had the family I did now, the people around me that actually gave a shit as to whether I lived or die. That mattered.

 Hearing the click of the door, I shifted slightly, able to see Jane enter in my periphery. Then came Qhuinn.

 I couldn’t help it - my body tensed, the muscles in my shoulders tightening imperceptibly as nerves and anxiety shot through to my gut and made it churn. There was the faint hit of relief, seeing that Lash hadn’t left a lasting mark on this male when powered by my blood, but roaring over it was the feeling that I was too damaged for the wall of muscle and strength coming toward me. That somehow I’d failed him.

 Looking away, I fought the impulse to shiver and instead managed another nod at Jane’s relay of information. Knowing that V and Butch were outside also soothed me. Though Vishous and I bickered more often than not, I trusted the male to have my back, now more than ever. He knew what it was to be broken down and left vulnerable.

 Sitting up with the Doc’s help, I winced as my weight shifted and dragged at my wings to come forward. With the muscle reworked around bone in all the wrong ways, I couldn’t fold them properly, couldn’t make them do what they were supposed to. They sat crooked and awkward, dragging down my back as I pivoted on the bed. The feathers that weren’t bent or broken were still covered in dried silver blood and dirt, or worse. I half prayed the male wouldn’t take a deep breath, that somehow Lash’s scent and sex were no longer all over me.

 Closing my eyes, I felt the sheet slide sideways, leaving me bare from neck to waist, and as my back was presented to Qhuinn, I could hear the sharp inhale as he took in the broken wings and the thick, ugly wound and scar tissue running down the middle of my back from the blood eagle. Gripping the side of the mattress until my knuckles turned white, I didn’t bother glancing at either of them.

 “Just do it…” I whispered hoarsely. There was a pause, a moment of white noise where Jane instructed Qhuinn in, to put his hands on my wing in the right spots. The second I felt that touch my mind whiplashed to the past, to the feel of Lash behind me, inside me, right before he pulled back and snapped. I flinched, bowing my head, a shudder running through me before I grit my teeth. I heard the muffled sound of Jane counting, her soothing voice laced with misery at the task, before she stopped. There was a second, one awful second where I froze, and then it came. The wrench back. The snap of my right wing.

And I screamed.

  Qhuinn: *my stomach turned as I walked closer to the Angel. My fists clenched and my broken jaw tightened, causing a bolt of pain to remind me it’s still healing. I could smell the stench of that fucking sadistic bastard on Lass, and it made me violently angry. Jane shot me a warning look and I took a deep breath and forced myself to keep my shit together for Lass’s sake.  

 The angle of the first break was awkward and I was standing to the front of the Angel.  His screams echoed through the corridors of the mansion. I had no doubt that every soul that resided herein would come charging down to see if everything’s okay. As I moved to the back of Lass, I stopped and stepped back. The full extend of his injuries was exposed to me, and I felt myself losing it. I took another step back and held my hand up*  Give me a minute *I said through gritted teeth. Jane was patient and gave me a warm, knowing smile.  Lass looked even more defeated than he had before, or maybe it was just my own realization of what he had gone through that hit me like a freight train, but I bolted out the door and shoved Cop out of the way as I beelined for the gym. My breathing became heavy, my chest ached like a fucker and a base drum started pounding in my head. I held my arm out to steady me against the wall and bent over.  It took a good few minutes to get my  shit under control, but when it didn’t feel like I was about to keel over, I turned my shock and anger towards the nearest things to me.  Punching, kicking and ripping anything that was in close range.  A loud noise… The sound of someone murderously screaming halted my actions, and then I realized it was my own screams.  

 Backing up against the wall, I slid down.  Knees pulled up, arms on my knees and my head resting in my hands.  Taking deep breaths and calming myself by repeating over and over in my head, that Lass was safe now, and thinking up all the ways I was gonna torture Lash before he begged me to end him. The images playing in my mind gave me the strength to get up and return to the PT suite.

 I took another deep breath and walked up to the bed.  I ignored what Doc Jane had said, and I ignored the warning signal I had earlier, and leaned over the bed.  Placing a gentle kiss on the Angel’s forehead and taking his hand in mine, squeezing softly.  We stayed in that position for several minutes, until I felt the tension ease in his body.  When the Angel finally exhaled, I pulled back and placed a kiss on his lips*

 Jane: *the local anesthetic helped to a very limited extent and Lass’s screams echoed through the cold wall building over and over, until he finally exhausted himself and the screams fizzled out. The moments the males shared earlier were both heart breaking and comforting.  We were on to the last break and I cleaned the part of the wing we were re-breaking and nodded over at Qhuinn, my hands over his to guide him carefully. Even though we had done this a few times now, it was absolutely vital to do the break right.  After I reset it, I took a step back and surveyed our work. Let the healing begin…

 Placing a hand on Lass’s shoulder, I smiled and whispered*  You’re all set now and as soon as the sun is out, I’ll wheel you outside.

 *Qhuinn nodded an appreciative silent “thank you” and with that I scooped up the silver tray of gauze and instruments and gave them some privacy. I caught a glimpse of Qhuinn leaning over and carefully embracing Lass just before I turned and left*

 Lassiter:

I’d thought re-breaking them might make it easier or something. As if going through it the first time would somehow lessen the blow when they were broken the second, but nothing prepares you for that kind of visceral, gut twisting pain. A part of me felt fucking wretched for making Q the one that had to do this, and judging from the look on the male’s face this was almost as painful for him as it was for me.

 As he moved around to do the breaks from behind, I knew the second he saw the long, ugly wound turning scar down my back. There was a pause, a sharp inhale, and then he was excusing himself, bolting for the door. My eyes closed as I felt humiliation, guilt and shame grip me tight and drag me down, somehow managing not to wrap my arms around myself in some pathetic need for a fuckin’ hug. I should have expected it… the vampires were essentially flawless creatures. I could no longer boast the same. How could I expect any of them to want me now?

 The minutes passed felt like hours, Jane trying to keep up a steady stream of words that were warm and gentle. I ‘really’ liked the female, but sadly it just wasn’t getting through at this point. Maybe after this I was just going to have to leave… The family would get by without me. I could go back upstairs… see if Nigel would give me a new task…

 I lifted my head slightly as the door came in again, Qhuinn’s impressive figure striding in and straight toward me. I felt Jane tense almost the same time I did, unable to help a slight flinch away as the male leant into me. It wasn’t painful though; it wasn’t harsh. The featherlight kiss on my forehead left me momentarily stunned, until I felt the grip on my hand, that reassuring squeeze that let me know the male wasn’t about to give up on me. I stayed frozen for a few moments, certain it was going to end, positive it couldn’t be real, but the longer that warmth remained, that solid presence of the vampire, the more real it became, until I finally relaxed against him, inhaling his scent like he was pure oxygen and I couldn’t breathe.

 I hardly flinched at the kiss on the lips, which was saying something, and then Doc Jane was bringing the male around to finish the last break. Through the haze and roar of pain I crawled back to reality, feeling the pat of her hand as she whispered about taking me top side for some sun in an hour. With my wings set right, the sunlight would finally do some good, and once they were close enough to healed I could send them back to the ether of nothingness they came from and dread bringing them out ever again. Only the scar would remain.

 As Doc Jane left, taking her tray, Qhuinn moved in, thankfully ignoring the tense set of my shoulders to nestle in beside me and put his arms around me. The embrace was gentle and tender and everything I needed as the agony faded, and while every break put me closer to healing, it was Q’s embrace that kept me from falling apart.