#dkrs

Is the one who vanished the fastest, with the most empty words in their wake

You went back to the things you did that you claimed to hate so much, without hesitation

Whether its with substances, addictions, or with your actions

Everyone says this.

But it seems like a broken sentence.

Ever since I've gotten home it seems like I've lost more than I've gained.

The pills aren't working, and the doctors aren't helping.

The only one still consistently by my side, consistently supportive, hasn't changed in 14 years.

God It's amazing she hasn't left me too.

And I'm terrified of that day ever coming, because when it does, that will likely be it for me.

when that last support beam falls,

Seeing the best in what I know won't change.

I can't help it though, they're the only one there right now.

Even when they ditch me for someone else

or cancel/forget plans

I can't really help but be okay with it.

Cause they're the only one who comes back.

And i know that's not really okay

But its all I know right now

I don't know what happened

No one would tell me

All I knew was how fucking scared and confused I was

I didn't know where I was

I didn't understand why I was there

My head was throbbing

My vision blurred and stuttered like a lagging video camera

The confusion ran laps through my mind trying to piece what happened together with no luck

I walked in that building with my sister at my side and a quick meaningless conversation:

"You don't have come here with me"

"No, I want to"

And just emptiness

Just nothing

Nothing between the end of that conversation and the back of an ambulance.

Saturday and Sunday have blurred together.

I feel like a patient in what's supposed to be my home.

I don't like this

I don't like the confusion

I'm scared beyond belief

I just want the aching to stop

The loss of time I hate not knowing what happened

How do I know they're telling me everything?

What if something happened they're leaving out?

This is the second, maybe even the third time it's happened what if there's a fourth? Or a fifth?

I don't know the cause

But I have an answer now to so many questions. Questions I thought couldn't be answered by almost completely one thing.

I'm scared, probably more scared than I want to admit to myself.

The grief and relief I'm feeling at this new information are at a standstill, and I don't know what to do with the advice I've been given to relieve some of the "tension" due to its influence.

Because I can't reach out again, I can't keep forcing that on anyone anymore. I pushed it too far in too vulnerable and overemotional state of mind because of it.

Maybe I'm truly not worth the effort.

the thought rings constantly now.

I don't remember when it started again, I don't remember why.

I wish it wouldn't place those kinds of doubts so vividly in my mind, as if I'm the only one.

There's nothing to distract me this season, no sports or travel or 12 hours a day of constant stimulation.

No weekend long hours of pushing myself to the limit with a smile surrounded by people supporting eachother.

Instead I feel like I'm fighting to see anyone, for any kind of interaction.

Fighting for any kind of affection that's been drifting away since the sun started setting early again.

Scared that I've done something wrong and no one is telling me.

Worrying constantly I'm not enough or I'm too depressed to have fun around. too needy, too clingy, too emotional.

Feeling like my attraction is one sided when I know (I hope) it's not.

Giving away something I've been too scared to give for so so long and it feels like I may have done something wrong.

Did I?

Do something wrong?

I can't tell and I'm always told no.

But history tells me I have, I always do and I'm now so afraid of that happening again.

A slow period of not touching And losing this to someone else because of it.

Maybe it's because I'm not worth the hassle, my body isn't good enough or my mind is too scattered to handle.

I want it to be just all in my head.

I want to prove it's just all in my head.

Please just be in my head.

I don't want it to be reality anytime soon but the paranoia has set in.

And suddenly I'm 17 crying in that apartment.

21 blacking out in their dorm and sobbing in my car.

Not even 22 and knowing that just the two months without touching during recovery was enough to lose attraction.

23 and the happiest summer I've had in so long, I don't want to lose that, lose him, to the brutal winter of my mind.

I can't, simply enough I can't.

From you atleast.

Since I'm too much to handle, and you do so well at avoiding my presence with so many good reasons you've given.

It's obvious, or atleast on the surface in my eyes that I'm not worth the same efforts even if you say the opposite.

Actions unfortunately speak louder and your actions have been at a whisper, as though your offers only stand if another is there beside you to witness it or push you to.

All that feels like though is pity, maybe you just feel guilty, for what I don't know but I know it's not from a lack of knowledge.

I can't express my emotions right now, and god I want to trust me I wish I could just get everything out of my head properly without being confused or frustrated by it.

Everytime it seems I reach out and try to get help or talk about whats happening in my mind I'm met with a feeling of being brushed off or too much to handle.

I'm pushed off to the side when it's convenient, expected to know what's going on when I'm in the dark, white lies when all I want to do is be there like I'm always told to do when I'm in a bad state and lectured for doing exactly what you do.

I don't know why I try so hard anymore I'm burnt out and tired of everything but I'm too worried I'll fall even further behind.

That speaking my mind on how it gets in my head will get me tossed away once again, brought back when there's no one else.

Its numbed me so much that I can't grieve it.

Any of it.

I want to get better and I want to be better.

I haven't stopped trying to and I don't intend to anytime soon.

I know deep down I need to be happy and that I have the capacity because I have moments of happiness most days now.

But I also know that they're moments, fleeting ones at that

Once I'm alone it seems to flood back, the distractions of others and the comfort of being away from my thoughts seems to evaporate and all I want is for something, ANYTHING to keep the distractions and the moments of joy I can grasp to continue.

I want to be with others because I still can't handle myself alone.

Twenty two years and the past 10 I've been slowing down more and more, my thoughts spiraling and dropping trying desperately to grab onto any form of that yellow sunshine that they can in every attempt to outshine the bad and the sad and the overall destruction the chemicals in my head seem to be at a constant with

I refuse to be some "woe is me" everyday to every person I meet and say "I'm okay, the demons and the persecution inside my brain is all an illusion"

I became an illusion to myself, it's the only way I know how to keep it at bay and say I'm okay when all I know is when to pay for the day I spent pretending everything has gone away

When it hasn't even settled.

I don't know who to tell or how to say what's wrong because by the time I reach it

it's gone.

Not gone as in disappeared but the feeling, the tears and the fear just fades once I'm no longer alone.

I sob in my car for hours, I stare blankly at the wall picking and biting at my nails, I go silent or get angry or over-rationalize what's wrong as if what's wrong will be right if I decide it to be

I can't decide when somethings actually wrong because within moments my brain locks it away again for me to continue my next task

I reach out because I know I'm wrong and I know I want comfort but I'm also aware that once I reach it tends to end before I can achieve that.

I'm alone when I'm upset and once I'm in company, it's as if I never was.

I want to let it out, I want to sob and scream and ramble and yell about everything that passes through my head but it doesn't come out

I want it to.

I don't know if it's subconscious or if I'm just melodramatic and just over reacting to everything but I don't know if I've even reacted at all yet.

The summer has been gone for months

So has she.

And I have yet to grieve because I haven't the slightest idea how anymore.