Rant Blog

I don't know what happened

No one would tell me

All I knew was how fucking scared and confused I was

I didn't know where I was

I didn't understand why I was there

My head was throbbing

My vision blurred and stuttered like a lagging video camera

The confusion ran laps through my mind trying to piece what happened together with no luck

I walked in that building with my sister at my side and a quick meaningless conversation:

"You don't have come here with me"

"No, I want to"

And just emptiness

Just nothing

Nothing between the end of that conversation and the back of an ambulance.

Saturday and Sunday have blurred together.

I feel like a patient in what's supposed to be my home.

I don't like this

I don't like the confusion

I'm scared beyond belief

I just want the aching to stop

The loss of time I hate not knowing what happened

How do I know they're telling me everything?

What if something happened they're leaving out?

This is the second, maybe even the third time it's happened what if there's a fourth? Or a fifth?

I don't know the cause

But seeing it written out in front of me was more to process than I expected.

What you said to me, asked of me.

How much that has truly stuck with me since that visit so many months ago.

I was so angry and hurt and confused by that.

I threw it to the back of my mind like she and you told me to, not to say a word to anyone else.

But I didn't know how much damage that truly did to both of us.

I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't eat.

I got so paranoid that you were gonna be gone at any time.

Paranoid everyone was gonna dissappear.

That you were gonna leave me to pick up the pieces again we had only just started putting back together.

You were gonna sit there and tell us how selfish and horrible her sister was for how she spent the last she had.

And yet you turn right around and do exactly the same as she did.

She does so much for you, puts up with all of your arguing and complaining.

Your anger and all your frustrations, you take those all out on her when all she's ever done is be there for you.

You can continue to yell at me. call me names and phrases. Get angry. And I'll do my very best to ignore it.

"She's just in pain"

"She's just angry about everything"

I'll tell myself.

But that? I can't forgive that.

Saying bullshit like "I know you get the kind of grim ideas I have"

That doesn't make it even remotely better.

The way she came into my shop out of nowhere that day, face red and tears down her face?

You broke her heart that day, whatever you fucking said to her broke her heart.

Bad timing.

Both her heartbreak and mine on the same date like that.

Mine hurt, we cried and I went off the deep end with everything.

But the way you broke hers?

After you were the one to give it back to her and all you've done this last year is crush it into powder with every tear down her cheeks.

I couldn't recognize you anymore.

Not just because of your looks, but because the woman I knew would never hurt my mom like that.

And she definitely wouldn't have said what you said to me.

She would've partied and smiled with a big bonfire no one else could touch but her, and she'd always make everyone laugh.

But you're not her anymore.

But I have an answer now to so many questions. Questions I thought couldn't be answered by almost completely one thing.

I'm scared, probably more scared than I want to admit to myself.

The grief and relief I'm feeling at this new information are at a standstill, and I don't know what to do with the advice I've been given to relieve some of the "tension" due to its influence.

Because I can't reach out again, I can't keep forcing that on anyone anymore. I pushed it too far in too vulnerable and overemotional state of mind because of it.

Happy new year!

The yelling and arguing and crying has only gotten worse.

I'm always the problem for her freak outs now.

"I don't need and I don't want help"

Yes you do.

Please get help.

Because I want my goofy, not a care in the world for anyones opinion on her mismatched outfits and anime obsessed sister back.

I don't know how to talk to you without a screaming match anymore.

You never let anyone else get a word in.

We don't get along, and all it does is seem like you don't care about anyone else's issues if it doesn't benefit you.

But I'm always the problem to you.

You can tell me to fuck off and die, you can throw things at me, you can break things, you can hit me and scratch me and scream at me all you want.

You can tell me how much you hate me and everything I do or say but you won't accept that my responses are to your actions.

YOUR words.

YOU won't talk about what's wrong and then blow up on all of us.

YOU don't take responsibility when you fuck up then go after everyone for something you caused.

23 years and I still don't understand why.

I love you so fucking much but I can't take this anymore, especially not after these past few years.

I've got too much of my own problems and I've tried to reach out and rely on you and I just....can't.

I do so much for you to try and be there for you and help you when you need it.

Drive around at 1am to help you find your wallet.

Take you to and from work for years because you wouldn't get a license without so much as a thank you.

Loan you my car for months because yours was wrecked when you won't even let me borrow a pair of socks without getting mad.

You should never be the person I have animosity with so why does it always feel like a cage match whenever we talk?

I never wanted that.

I wanted my sister.

I haven't had that in so long.

I NEED my sister and I don't know where she went.

I've cried over you so many times over the years.

The way you've treated me as a backup or a trash bin for everything you do.

Like I'm obligated to do things for you when you wouldn't and have proved you wouldn't do anything close to the same.

You have invalidated me more times than I can count, you have outed me to EVERYONE you meet and act as if I should be grateful you "warned" people about my transition?

That has beyond hurt me.

You don't understand how much that has destroyed my trust with you as much as I hate that it has.

I'm scared of you so now I'm always on the defensive with you.

You were supposed to be the one I can always rely on and I'm only more and more scared at even the thought.

But I'm the one always in the wrong I'm the one that is broken and fucked up and needs to go back to the psych ward as you like to always tell me.

No wonder I hold on so tightly to people, in my mind you've abandoned me long ago in so many ways that when someone actually shows me they care I cling to that because I don't have that with you.

I want to.

I used to.

I needed to.

And I don't.

I love you, but I sometimes I don't know if you do and that thought has broken me beyond recognition.

I'm so tired of being your punching bag, I can't take it much longer.

And I can't even say that to you because I know how it will go.

I know you'll turn it around on me the second you get the chance.

You'll scream at me.

Again, and again, and again.

You always do.

I always try to apologize when I get upset with you, I try not to yell when we argue.

But its hard when all you do is run away or go straight for my throat with something that has nothing to do with the conversation only because you KNOW how much it will hurt me.

I've said shitty things to you, but nothing like you've done or said to me.

I know how much you talk behind my back.

I know the things you tell your friends about me.

It isn't a secret how bad you talk about me without any admittance of what YOU did in any of these situations.

Walking in the door and immediately angry at me when you've been gone for days without a word.

Making fun of my body or my health any chance you can find.

Breaking me down brick by fucking brick.

Telling your friends that I don't care about you?

Saying I wouldn't do things for you?

I have done so fucking much at my own expense for you.

I've never ignored your calls even when it's something dumb or silly.

I've tried over and over to get closer again and you just ignore the effort and dissappear like everyone else.

You weren't supposed to be one of those people.

Why are you one of those people?

Please don't be one of those people.

There's been too many of them, it can't be you too.

I once again am sobbing alone because of you.

I just want it all to stop.

I want the crying to stop.

I want the screaming to stop.

Maybe I'm truly not worth the effort.

the thought rings constantly now.

I don't remember when it started again, I don't remember why.

I wish it wouldn't place those kinds of doubts so vividly in my mind, as if I'm the only one.

There's nothing to distract me this season, no sports or travel or 12 hours a day of constant stimulation.

No weekend long hours of pushing myself to the limit with a smile surrounded by people supporting eachother.

Instead I feel like I'm fighting to see anyone, for any kind of interaction.

Fighting for any kind of affection that's been drifting away since the sun started setting early again.

Scared that I've done something wrong and no one is telling me.

Worrying constantly I'm not enough or I'm too depressed to have fun around. too needy, too clingy, too emotional.

Feeling like my attraction is one sided when I know (I hope) it's not.

Giving away something I've been too scared to give for so so long and it feels like I may have done something wrong.

Did I?

Do something wrong?

I can't tell and I'm always told no.

But history tells me I have, I always do and I'm now so afraid of that happening again.

A slow period of not touching And losing this to someone else because of it.

Maybe it's because I'm not worth the hassle, my body isn't good enough or my mind is too scattered to handle.

I want it to be just all in my head.

I want to prove it's just all in my head.

Please just be in my head.

I don't want it to be reality anytime soon but the paranoia has set in.

And suddenly I'm 17 crying in that apartment.

21 blacking out in their dorm and sobbing in my car.

Not even 22 and knowing that just the two months without touching during recovery was enough to lose attraction.

23 and the happiest summer I've had in so long, I don't want to lose that, lose him, to the brutal winter of my mind.

I can't, simply enough I can't.

I'm tired of myself.

I'm tired of people.

I'm tired of existing.

I'm tired of having to justify doing things when you're doing the same.

Of being told something and then shown the opposite.

I'm tired of ALWAYS coming second when it comes to them.

Of only being useful or talked to when its the only option.

I'm tired of the double standard always in their favor and getting the short end of the stick.

Of being shit on when it's pointed out so I stopped doing so.

I'm tired of the white lies when I try to reach out.

Of being dispensable, moved over and only being at your side only when I'm the only one there.

I'm tired of being a convenience.

I don't want to backpeddle all over again.

Cutting it off or "I already talked about it too much"

I'm tired of feeling distrusted.

Of being pitied.

I'm so tired of it.

Of being on the backburner again.

Of being pinned as the one in the wrong being upset about it.

Of being sorry.

From you atleast.

Since I'm too much to handle, and you do so well at avoiding my presence with so many good reasons you've given.

It's obvious, or atleast on the surface in my eyes that I'm not worth the same efforts even if you say the opposite.

Actions unfortunately speak louder and your actions have been at a whisper, as though your offers only stand if another is there beside you to witness it or push you to.

All that feels like though is pity, maybe you just feel guilty, for what I don't know but I know it's not from a lack of knowledge.

I can't express my emotions right now, and god I want to trust me I wish I could just get everything out of my head properly without being confused or frustrated by it.

Everytime it seems I reach out and try to get help or talk about whats happening in my mind I'm met with a feeling of being brushed off or too much to handle.

I'm pushed off to the side when it's convenient, expected to know what's going on when I'm in the dark, white lies when all I want to do is be there like I'm always told to do when I'm in a bad state and lectured for doing exactly what you do.

I don't know why I try so hard anymore I'm burnt out and tired of everything but I'm too worried I'll fall even further behind.

That speaking my mind on how it gets in my head will get me tossed away once again, brought back when there's no one else.

Its numbed me so much that I can't grieve it.

Any of it.

I want to get better and I want to be better.

I haven't stopped trying to and I don't intend to anytime soon.

I know deep down I need to be happy and that I have the capacity because I have moments of happiness most days now.

But I also know that they're moments, fleeting ones at that

Once I'm alone it seems to flood back, the distractions of others and the comfort of being away from my thoughts seems to evaporate and all I want is for something, ANYTHING to keep the distractions and the moments of joy I can grasp to continue.

I want to be with others because I still can't handle myself alone.

Twenty two years and the past 10 I've been slowing down more and more, my thoughts spiraling and dropping trying desperately to grab onto any form of that yellow sunshine that they can in every attempt to outshine the bad and the sad and the overall destruction the chemicals in my head seem to be at a constant with

I refuse to be some "woe is me" everyday to every person I meet and say "I'm okay, the demons and the persecution inside my brain is all an illusion"

I became an illusion to myself, it's the only way I know how to keep it at bay and say I'm okay when all I know is when to pay for the day I spent pretending everything has gone away

When it hasn't even settled.

I don't know who to tell or how to say what's wrong because by the time I reach it

it's gone.

Not gone as in disappeared but the feeling, the tears and the fear just fades once I'm no longer alone.

I sob in my car for hours, I stare blankly at the wall picking and biting at my nails, I go silent or get angry or over-rationalize what's wrong as if what's wrong will be right if I decide it to be

I can't decide when somethings actually wrong because within moments my brain locks it away again for me to continue my next task

I reach out because I know I'm wrong and I know I want comfort but I'm also aware that once I reach it tends to end before I can achieve that.

I'm alone when I'm upset and once I'm in company, it's as if I never was.

I want to let it out, I want to sob and scream and ramble and yell about everything that passes through my head but it doesn't come out

I want it to.

I don't know if it's subconscious or if I'm just melodramatic and just over reacting to everything but I don't know if I've even reacted at all yet.

The summer has been gone for months

So has she.

And I have yet to grieve because I haven't the slightest idea how anymore.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I dont understand things like I should.

I'm sorry for being so numb to everything that's happened in the past and happening now.

I'm sorry for making it so hard to process your emotions and events in your life.

I'm sorry for making it feel like everyone has left for good.

I'm sorry for gaslighting and rationalizing all your thoughts and feelings until it all means nothing.

I'm sorry for ruining everything you know you should be happy about.

I'm sorry for causing all your doubts and overthinking and discouragement.

I'm sorry that I can't promise how long it will take to change that.

The reassurance that I'm wrong and overthinking hasn't helped because all I see is the opposite of what I'm told.

I'm the second choice for everyone I'm aware of that.

No amount of "no that's not it" or "I've just been busy with work/school" will change that feeling when anytime I ask anyone to do anything together I'm met with that sentence and then shown or revealed that someone else got that time with them.

"It's a family thing"

You're at (blank)'s house you posted it on your story.

"I'm busy with the kid"

You sent me a text of you at the club.

I know I'm never the first choice even when I'm the first to ask.

I don't have that right because you're not an object or a toy or mine.

I'm not dumb, I know I'm persistent and I'm alot and everyone is always trying to spare my feelings with white lies and empty promises.

But I'm not as blind as these prescription lenses might say I am

I know when people aren't saying the full truth, I know when things are bad and I know when people are just trying to be nice instead of sincere.

I've never worn rose colored glasses, atleast not since I was young.

Seeing the better side of people while knowing the bad isn't because I'm blind to the latter.

Its because I've SEEN the good, more than I've seen the bad and I've been left behind or abandoned because I've let a fraction of my bad peak out to people and I promised myself I'd never put another soul through that sort of judgement so easily.

Too many people call it ignorance or turning a blind eye, but trust me when I say I've seen the things people have demonized and I've BEEN demonized for some(often)times insignificant things

I've been ignored, lied to, blamed and attemptive manipulation, at times with success and it's never by the one(s) I've been told would do so.

Rather it's been by the ones "warning" me.

And it does hurt. It hurts everytime.

But the neutrality I keep, albeit difficult and causes me alot of loneliness more often than not, it keeps the last bit of myself uninfluenced.

I'm able to make and keep my own opinion based on my own experiences as much as my choice in that seems to upset people.

I will always choose to understand rather than to judge.

I can't just force it to resolve or rationalize itself in my mind and I really can't tell if it's shock or just denial.

My head is constantly reeling, my thoughts are either racing faster than I can hear them or just muted pictures and images too blurred for me to see.

Sometimes it's just colors flashing across my mind at any given time, at any given moment for any and every single thing I see or hear or read.

I hate the silence because it makes my head loud, but noise only makes it unnaturally silent.

I wish I could figure out how to get through it, I want to talk about it but the words quite literally won't come out.

My mind is so used to convincing itself that everything is okay and that as long as I fake it to myself then everything wrong will eventually find some way to process without me having to think about it anymore.

I know that's not feasible and I know that's not how it works, my grieving comes in waves and my mind can't keep up as it crashes me back to the bottom and into the sand.

None of what I say or type is coherent to what I'm trying to convey but I'm so sick of being "okay" for the entire day just to have the waves hit when I know I need to shut it off and sleep so I have the energy to process my thoughts but I can't and I know it's killing me in the process.

I'm a confusing person to myself and everyone around me and there's not a whole lot I can do about that aside from trying to communicate my shuffled up mind as best I can like this.

Even though I don't remember the first sentence of this, as I don't with most of these both here and in the real world, I know that it atleast gets it a little more organized for myself for even just a moment.

I've never been good with words, they get jumbled up or I forget what I'm trying to say alot and I'm sorry.

I just don't know what to say, I don't know if you're interested in me and I don't want to make things weird by saying something.

I'm not someone that picks up on cues well and I know it can frustrate people because I always need things explained or put bluntly to understand.

I don't like making assumptions without clear intentions because I'm scared of what could happen if I take a chance on anything but God damnit I want to take this chance I just don't know how.

I've got bandaids and cuts all over my hands.

I feel if i stop standing or moving for more than a few moments I'll just be back there.

If I don't keep myself occupied or distracted that I'll decipher something in my thoughts that I'm not able to handle.

I'm trembling and swaying as my mind keeps reeling like a clouded storm with so much rain you cant hear a thing.

Everything feels wrong.

I feel wrong.

Nothing feels like it should.

I shouldn't feel scared everytime I'm in one, I shouldn't need to hold someone's hand or scratch and claw at my body to feel something other than the cold tingling numbness that covers my body.

I shouldn't feel like this.

This pit in my stomach and the spinning in my vision and the focus disappearing at the smallest movement in these moments.

I shouldn't need someone to hold me to make me feel secure, as much as I want to, I shouldn't NEED to.

I shouldn't be scared to fall asleep because I can't handle finding out what's reality.

I can't remember what day it is, they've been blurred so close together that every morning feels like it's repeating a hazy rerun of the one before it.

As if trying to relay a dream you only remember bits and pieces of.

My thoughts are so scattered and so loud that I can't even pick apart what's causing what and why before more appear in their place.

I want it to stop.

Even just for the two hours we were there, the vibrations, the movements, the chaotic energy kept me from thinking about it.

About everything lately.

Three shots of tequila and two limes was enough to let me remember but still keep my from remembering the void in my mind filled with thoughts of what could've happened.

If I didn't get the chance to slow down, if the cars behind me had the same thing happen trying to slow down.

If I didn't hit the brakes at all.

If the jokes about "no horn=no airbag" were true.

If I had just not left the house that night.

the way your laughter echoes through the room.

The selflessness you show to everyone around you, no matter the damage it does to yourself.