#diversitydivision

What to do when you sit as a reflection to so many intersections of the queer community that you're a mirror for everything, everyone. I'm the mirror. No one can see me, I'm behind their reflection. No one can see me because I remind them of their needs, their identity, their political position or positions, their lines to defend. What to do when you're a Fatigued, Anxious, Depressed, Hairy, Gender Queer, Tranny, Faggot, Cunt. What to do when you're privileged by the support of the the community, to achieve something impossible. Something that makes you finally whole. Finally comfortable to be a comfortable sexual queer after so many years of performing comfort in you're body, in you're bed. Only to find another hole. Now I'm a mirror and a hole. Finally whole but cut open and rejected because I'm a little of everyone but not enough of one.

We’re divided down to the finest point. There’s inequality everywhere. There’s privilege everywhere. Intersections and intersections and intersections. We are cut into pieces by what makes us different. We fight over that because who are we without our differences. We all stand apart and blame the other side of each of the lines that define who we are. We may have not drawn the first line. Chances are, neither did that person who is hurting you for standing on the other side of that line. That person who is hurting because you’re over there or someone else is standing on the other side of another line for them to defend. I’m tired of all these definitions and identities and lines. I don’t just want to be me.

I've come to realise that I am and need to be all of me. I don't want to give up so much of me, so much of my history, so much of my sexuality, so much of me that becoming who I am today means I'm no longer much of what I was. Now because I needed to change a part of me that never felt right to survive, I've lost access to parts of who I still am. Am I better off with the pieces I have left. Or should I have continued to suffer for the pieces that were missing. I don't know. Some days I put on a brave piece, it's more of a mask, it allows me limited access to some of my now missing pieces. The bitchy tranny mask who is funny and mean and confident she can have it all. Then I'm sober, that mask comes off. I'm ok with being excluded from the activities of the general public. That was never a piece I cared for. I'm so incredibly sad that I'm cut into these pieces by my community, my queer community who has done so much for me. I know I've given you everything. I gave all of me to you. Turns out now you only want pieces. Leave the rest at home or don't come at all. I have to take bits on and off, make myself acceptable to whatever cut off corner of my community that I'm trying to reside at any given time. Why is this ok. This queer community was my safe space. I was told here I can be all I am. Why is one body ok and another not. Not even a completely different body, just a piece. Why is everyone happy to hold me and let me hold them but no one willing to fight for me. I want to be all of me. I want you to be all of you. I will fight for all of you. I will fight for my queer safe space, my queer home where we can all be everything we need and I won't feel shame for that. We're stronger when we're all together. Why tear each other apart?