#divergentfour

The last test of my fear simulation was over. I jumped out of the chair I lay on, and blink a few times trying to adjust to the bright light hitting my eyes. The echo of people clapping erupted from all corners of the room, and as I finally took a step and could actually look around, I saw Four standing off to my left. My head turned and he was smiling as he walked over.

He came over and reached out his arms for what I understood to be a hug, so I took a few more steps toward him, but he went around me. He passed me to go hug Tris. I saw as he effortlessly picked her up and spun her around, and when he placed her down he gave her a kiss on her forehead, as she started telling him God knows what.

I love Tris, she's my sister, but of course, she would be the one to replace me, for what only felt like the hundredth time ever. I wasn't mad at Tris though, I was furious as Four. He was the one who told me to keep things private.

"Private, but not secret."

I remember the words he said to me. The words he promised me, while we lay tangled in his sheets, discussing what label we wanted to put on ourselves.

"Four! What the hell?" I aggressively pushed past Tris to get to him.

"Oh no, here comes your shadow." Tris taunted, and I shot a glare at her.

"Y/n, your simulation went better than I expected!" Four said with a sarcastic tone behind it.

"Don't avoid the ques- wait what?" I started to process what he was inferring with his remark. "What do you mean, 'better than you expected'?" I asked as I took a step closer to him, with an insulted look on my face.

"I mean you did better than what I thought you could do, based off of how horrible most of your other abilities are. Not to mention you have possibly the most forgettable personality, and you always complain about 'What if I don't make the cut?', 'What if everyone thinks I want to be like Tris?', 'What if everyone thinks I'm lame?', but what you don't understand, y/n is that we all already think that."

I felt the room get a little smaller, and everyone was so silent you could hear a feather fall. All of a sudden applause burst out from the people in the room, surrounding the three of us, and seemingly agreeing with what Four said.

I stood there, in shock, jaw dropped, waiting for him to say he was just kidding, or for me to just drop dead.

I confided in Four, I trusted in Four, and I would argue I loved him. I told him the 3 things I hated the most.

Public degradation, Being yelled at, and being compared to Tris.

Somehow he had managed to have done all 3 of those things in a matter of seconds.

"Four.. say you don't mean it." I felt tears rolling down my cheeks, and off my chin. I'm not sure when I started crying, but now I was more upset, that he had to have gotten the response he wanted from me. Why else would he say those things.

"Four." My voice was weak, but his stare was strong and cold. He looked me up and down, before turning around.

"Pathetic." He managed to say just loud enough for me to hear, as his back was turned, and he walked away.

I lost him in the crowd in a matter of seconds as I decided I needed to calm down before more people can see that I'm crying. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, and focused on the feeling of the cold air of the room against my tear-stained cheeks.

I opened my eyes, and there I was, back in the chair, in the middle of the normal-sized room.

Again I was blinded by the lights and tried to blink them away. They were brighter than they were the first time. People began clapping again, and before I could even take a step off of the chair I was laid in, Four had reached me and took my hands in his.

"Y/n, I would never betray you like that." He was trying to look me in the eyes, but I avoided his gaze. He lifted one of his hands to make me look at him. When my eyes met his he smiled and I opened my mouth to talk, but he hurried and put a finger over my mouth.

"Y/n, I don't want you to be scared to tell me things, I care for you very much..."

I was getting Deja Vu. Not the kind that's like been there done that, but the kind of Deja Vu, that leaves you with the same empty mysterious feeling of nothing in the pit of your stomach. I remembered when I told Four I loved him, and his response was, "Thank you for loving me", that was enough for me to understand he wasn't ready yet, but now it had been almost a year, and he still couldn't say the words.

"Four I know, it's okay, I don't want to force you to say things you don't mean." I looked at him with a peaceful rage in my eyes, hurt he couldn't say the words, and upset he wasn't as committed to me as I was to him.

He tilted his head to the side with an offended look on his face, "Don't do that y/n, you can't do that. Don't push me away, not now." He looked at me with sadness in his eyes. "Not now, not ever." He was begging at this point.

"Why? Why not now?" I was confused by his sudden specificity in time.

Four grabbed my hands again, as he leaned in to place his lips on mine. I wanted to resist because I was angry at him, he wasn't committed, he didn't care. But I could hear him reassuring me. He wasn't speaking out loud, but he was speaking to me. He broke the kiss, and rested his forehead on mine, taking a breath.