#disworld

If a bunch of witches collaborated, put together what is known about the Cunning Man (two things that are simply not done), there’s a chance he could be destroyed or locked away forever. But thankfully, Pratchett’s witches would never admit to anything besides absolute power and our cunning friend will never have to worry about being outnumbered.

Later in the book, just about every available witch shows up, just in case Tiffany fails and gets possessed by the ghost and has to be put down. But haha no asking for tips or tricks. This is a test after all and maybe a bunch of muggles will die but you’ve got to take the test without cheating.

With how all-powerful the witches are made out to be, you’ve got to wonder if they keep the Cunning Lad around to weed out the weak witches... but that’s baseless libel and you’d have to be a real suspicious bastard to think that.

And although I approve of books encouraging kids to stop being such fucking wussies, I’ve got to wonder if I can think of a better ending. Giving the Cunning Man a Teddy Bear would simply not do. Maybe hitting Eskarina (spoilers) until she told us everything that is known about the C.M. would’ve worked.

The Cunning Fuck has presumably caused the entire Disc to revolt in anti-Witch hate-plague and caused terrible harm to ugly old women. In addition to the offscreen violence, we also have *checks list* the deaths of Mrs. Coble, Macintosh G3, and (worst of all) a wee birdie. I daresay that stopping him from killing people PERMANENTLY would be worth the trouble.

Summon the witches. Flip this patronizing crap back on them. “If you can’t help bust this ghost, we totally understand and hope you have a nice day sweaty :):):):)” See what everyone knows about the guy! Maybe do all this AFTER he’s been temporarily defeated so everyone’s not just like “Boy glad we don’t have to worry about him for another week.”

I’m going to list a bunch of stupid ways to give the Cunning Man a permaban. The great thing is that if one idea doesn’t work, you can try again forever!

Trick the CM into possessing a fake straw witch. Shape influences the mind in Discworld, so he’ll think himself a witch eventually.

Have the CM possess me. I’m already seething with rage against these witches, so I doubt anyone will notice any differences.

Preform the rite of Ash-Monke and Girboss/Gaslight/Gatekeep Death into doing his job.

Throw the book he was trapped inside off the edge of the Disc.

Tell those pitiful muggles so about the Cunning Man so they don’t look so surprised when criminals Hulk Smash their way out of prison.

Ask Granny Weatherwax how to do it. This plan unfortunately has the highest chance of working.

Renounce Witchcraft and come up with a new word for what you are, like “social worker” or “Schmugledop.”

Use more folk wisdom to trap the CM. The only folk wisdom I know is how you can put a donut inside an empty wastebasket to trap mice. Maybe that works. “It falls on the donut” doesn’t sound as good as “It jumps through the fire” though.

Hit the Queen of the Elves with a big stick until she agrees to lure him into one of those empty parallel universes.

Kill a knife and use the ghost of the knife to stab the ghost. You’d probably have to be a ghost too, unfortunately.

“Poison Goes Where Poison’s Welcome” have you tried telling the CM he is not welcome? 

Maybe welcome him to this big goddamn fire I built?

Maybe welcome him to suck my dick and balls?