#dissorders

Hey y'all, it's literally been years

I got diagnosed with chronic migraines, *autism, fibromyalgia, anxiety disorder, and got some surgeries done for other medical issues, broke up with friends, moved a few times, changed many jobs, and now I'm slowly getting my life back

I'd been in a fucked up environment for too long and although I'm not out of the woods just yet I'm finally moving past the shame, judgement, gaslighting, codependancy, trauma and threats. I'm learning to gain myself back!! I lost myself to someone who, despite good intentions, caused so much irreversible damage to me. This person has moved on and improved her life while I am picking up the pieces. I don't know how to trust others anymore. I don't know what honesty looks like, or truth. I gave everything of myself to this person and my love, my kindness, my honesty, it was soiled. My once open-self has been ruined by her displaced trauma.

I've become the person I hated most of all and I am learning how to love myself again.

I think what they don't tell you is even if you've already worked through the cringe, ableism, self-hate, ect, if you enter into an abusive environment, especially for years, there is hell of a lot of damage to the internal workings of oneself esteem. Humans are sponges and when it rains it pours. 

I am in pain, I am scared, and I don’t recognize myself. I'm stuck with responsibility to not displace my trauma onto others. I have to accept it in order to move on which is the hardest part. I turned into a person I don't recognize, done things that make me a villian.

No one in my friend group cares to know me. I’m damaged goods and I don’t want to do what she did to me and displace years and years of trauma onto another in order to grow. It fucking sucks. I carry her damage with me even if she’s changed. I am a reminder of her fucked up past and she is unwilling to look at my pain because it reminds her of the monster she once was.

I look at her as a monster because she was one to me and healing from that is gonna take twice the time it did for the shit I've gone through.

I have just a smidge of space to begin unboxing all this so here I am.

When I say this to her, her damage is downplayed. No matter how much I try our conversations lead to my mistakes, not hers. I have learned will always have something to apologize for and frankly, I have also learned I am safest when I give her the least to work with. 

When I told my roommate about this they didn’t give a damn. Said they ‘deeply care’. Well if they did they would have given me the time of day. Time to hear me out. I deserve to be heard!

I never once told anyone anything about her or our past and the first time I did, the one time I did, when I trusted another human with my pain my scars my heart, she turned around and told my abuser everything I said. I got called out for talking shit by the person who talked shit for years. It’s unfair and it fucking sucks. I was the one in her life who held her accountable and the one time I screwed up she tells everyone in my circle, now I’m the shit talker.

After years of my abuser telling everyone’s secrets to me I am the monster in everyone's story and it's a heavy feeling. I used to not care wether I was the monster in people's story. When did it change? Like I said above, people are sponges and I drew in a lot of toxins.

I deserve critique for the fucked up shit I did too. I'm also at fault. My fears and anxieties created a chain reaction. She would spount f'up shit and I would spiral and the fire would further. She got a husband and a house to build her a safe space. I get an appartment with a roommate who disrespects me and invites my abuser in at least once a week.

I am working with what I got. Which isn't much tbh. I go to work and her brother is there, her husband, and the ass-whole who tole my abuser everything. I cannot seem to find a safe place to fall. So it's been a while.

For the first time since knowing her I am choosing me. I’d rather be alone than to continue to let abuse hold me down. So I am alone these days.

I think...I think I got sexually assaulted the other night and I have no one to talk to about it.

So yeah, it’s been a while. I hope that maybe looking back on this post I can see the things that have improved in my life. I am not completely without and I will always remember the good things that did happen even in the abuse -a struggle all in itself. All I wanted was friendship, a partner in crime, someone who would go on adventures with me in this fucked up world.

I am learning to love myself again. I am learning to forgive myself for the person I turned into. 

So I'll continue to count the little things I have. My sisters, a library book, a rainy day, some stupid kpop mv's, and I'll keep on going.

i have mild ocd, 

anxiety,

adhd,

just got my blood tested so i know what the fuck is up with my sugar levels cuz they are all over the place

but nothing,

abso-fucking-lutely nothing, will ever beat ODD

it is obsessive defiant disorder,

and its a real thing. go ahead and look it up.

no my sisters not just being a "normal four year old"

stop fucking telling me that.

my sister is a horrible person,

and shes only four.

i could literally tell her, stop playing with those matches around the lighter fluid (dont know why those would be in here reach) and she would do it, just cuz i said no.

its an actual dissorder.

i didnt know it was but it is apparently

where its an obsession to be defiant