#dishonestdiary

Work is so awkward and tense and painful atm, two of our coworkers are fighting and one is this beautiful amazing woman whomst I love, and the other is just being so unbelievably abusive to her and I feel so horrible :(( I hate that I’m not allowed to talk to anyone about it and they’re not allowed to either :(

I had to take my septum piercing out because I had to get an MRI for my silly dizzy brain, so now I’m wearing a clear acrylic ring and it’s so dumb🤬 how can anyone know I’m super queer if they can’t see my septum??? It’s barely there like I’m trying to hide it😭 and I can’t put my OG ring in because we uhhhh, destroyed it,,, trying to get it out😅 I have -$22 in my bank account because I had to pay $460 to find out that my cat has no liver or kidney problems (which is amazing, but like,,,, $500 to find that out is very painful😅). I was finally ahead on finances and now I’m back behind🥲 I’m so tired I feel like there’s nothing left. I don’t know how I’m meant to get ahead when there’s ALWAYS something. And I have to buy special food for her now that’s like $80, which I’m so happy she’s getting that fiber and will hopefully feel better, but jfc I don’t have another $80 a month to spend on her, we already pay like $45 a month for her meds, which means my baby costs at LEAST $120 a month before any litter or anything🥲 I love her so endlessly and I’d do anything for her, it’s just,,, overwhelming because money is a huge trigger for my depression and anxiety.

I finally confronted Kell about being assaulted and no one believing me or caring, and I haven’t read her message yet, I think she was nice about stuff, I’m just so anxious about it. I hate hurting people and I hate being mean and I don’t think it was mean or uncalled for, I just wish things had gone differently in the first place so I wouldn’t have to create conflict :/ (I know it’s not creating conflict, HE created the conflict by assaulting me and that’s not my fault)

My therapist pushed me to do it and I scheduled my text for today, and sent it at like 9:30am because I got so anxious that I just had to do it. I’m really glad I did, I’m just still very anxious about it. Once again very grateful I carry my Ativan around with me just in case.

I have been meditating today at work to raise my vibes as high as I possibly can to combat the shit vibes at work today. After work will be so good though and we will make it a good day,

Anyways I haven’t been around for far too long and I need to start keeping better record of my life. It’s so much better than it ever has been but I feel that I’m always complaining. Problems continue but they seem to get smaller as I grow as a person. A year ago even a small problem would be taller than a tree but now I feel like they’d be a stick to me. I know now how to gingerly hold a conflict and breathe life back into the tension so it can be resolved. I prefer talking to avoiding now, and feel a lot of cognitive dissonance from not addressing conflict quickly. I feel like that’s really really good and I’m so grateful to have made so much progress. Even being tense all the time, I check in with my body constantly (like once every five minutes on average, yes I did the math) so I will un-tense pretty frequently and I feel that it’s been really helpful to managing my emotions, because my body isn’t feeling like it’s going to explode constantly. The other day in therapy, I did a 7-month progress report and I am??? So proud of my results? They are almost ALL significantly better and I’m deadass gonna post it in this thread. (Self esteem, 10 is terrible and 0 is great)

We also know where we’re probably going to get married, I have a good idea of what I want to look like, and I’m just, life is good and things work out, especially when you’re trying so, so hard.

Truly it is the 28th at 6am but that’s nighttime still lmao

I am so genuinely excited for Friday; we are going out to eat for supper, and then we’re going to a queer bar because it’s nearly Halloween😃 it’s the only bar I’ve ever genuinely felt safe in and I am so excited to go back! If I can make $17 by tomorrow afternoon too, I’m gonna go to the dispensary to get a vape🙏🏻 I’m really hoping I can, it’s so hard to get drunk when I don’t smoke too😅 but either way I am so excited to spend time with my love and publicly kiss her and maybe even get to smash my face inbetween her legs lmfao

Today was so much. I feel like I wasted my morning (I can’t remember what I did) and then I was late to my rheum appointment, (but I now know there was a good reason, I just didn’t at the time so I was very anxious). Thank goD we got there just in time and he actually took the time to hear me out and changed my meds in a way that I’m praying will help me more. My brother was with me for it and I’m so grateful because I know for a fact that this doctor is a giant cunt unless you bring someone with you to the appointment💀 my new meds are injectable instead of pills and it’s supposed to work better and I feel so blessed because I’m just in so much pain right now :( (I’m flaring)

After we got home, I made us all supper and we talked for hours. He brought me two plants and some homemade honey and jam!!! And such good vibes even though things are so shit back at our parents’ house (where he currently lives). I learned so much about our family affairs (I am no contact with my dad and faith so I never go home or hear about drama) and we talked about the positive changes our mom has been making.

At like 9 he left and I had a meltdown from overstimulation (we are both LOUD ASS MOTHERFUCKERS), and K had to help me calm down🥺❤️ (I am so lucky) and then my youngest sister called me to rant about faith too (she’s getting married in 10 days apparently so everyone is pissed as fuck at her because she is an INSANE PERSON as we already know smdh). After that, we fed the kitties and did litter and now we’re in bed, and I should be asleep

I’m crossed!! I’m watching Legally Blonde because it’s the best movie ever, and I’m feeling pretty good, something about being consistently productive for a few weeks is??? So freeing??? I can do stuff and it is insane, my adhd meds are working so far and I am so so grateful😭