#discernmentatitsfinest

          It's a struggle if you don't know what to say, and it gets harder if you don't know what to think about things. Thoughts, deep thoughts, that I can't contain in my head.            What do really happen when your mind and your heart don't jive in together? It feels like two cars crashing, a meteorite making impact on the face of the earth, and your whole body exploding in smithereens all at the same time.  The funny thing is that its the same person the last time I wrote a note like this, that very person.           Maybe it really isn't the right time, the right moment, or worse... (hoping it isn't) the right person. But who knows.  I always fear the uncertain. Everyone who know me well enough knows that. The fear that if I try to make a move, I might get rejected or get myself hurt. That's why I tend to look and assess things through like it's a job to be taken care of. How will I know if I'm ready or will "us" happen? I don't know Based on the Dictionary, Infatuation is being inspired so much that it results to get inspired foolishly. So I'm so sure its not that. I can't say I just like her a little 'coz of her looks or something because that is not true and that is a big lie. Therein lies a really big question: "Do I love her and do I love her that much?" I know have feelings for her and that when I make a move, I know I am willing to commit my self to her but Do I love her that much? because if not, then we have a very big problem. 

And here's another problem, I always give good if not great advises about life yet I can't give a single "fair-enough" advise to myself. I asked my closest friends about it and luckily they said: "No. You're not ready. They just tell you that you are because they want 'you' (me and her) to happen". I thank God for them because they made me see things, and at that moment, I decided that I will not pursue her, at least not yet. Then the advise was backed-up when I attended a love forum. "Be the best version of yourself in order to give your future spouse the best person he/she deserves" is what remained singing in my head. I began to see again the bigger picture and saw and realized how far from ready I was. But the question of readiness comes back whenever she tries to stay away ( I swear to you, I know) from me. The idea that I should make a move now rises at the back of my head because of the thought that I might lose that single chance.... and the cycle goes on.

I realized that (now that I think about it, I already read this verse) our biggest decisions in life are the hardest. It needs to be well thought, in and out. And I am already considering this aspect as a big decision because is she's someone I want to be with for the rest of my life, then I need to plan things out.

And right now, I'm in the middle of a doubtful event. Someone told me that whenever she's ( I'm referring to you know who) being joke about her crushes often, she, little by little, loses interest in him. I get affected of course because if you've been with the Tropa for most of the time, you'll that the first person you link with her is me. Though I'm not saying that she has a crush on me, but of course I'd want that to happen and if  it does, I don't want her to lose it (Conscience: "HOW CONTROLLING OF YOU JECOY!") because I want 'us' to still happen. So, yeah, I'm measuring my chances. Plus the fact that we should wait for a couple more years since I'm going to US, though if the right moment happen earlier then, PRAISE THE LORD!