#dirtycomputertour

ANDERSON PAAK GOT THE JUICE at #Coachella Festival 🔥🔥 https://www.instagram.com/p/Bx2XkIVHWfa/?igshid=1mnpnuj6yp3t0

whew! here’s Janelle performing “Pynk” at the Hulu Theater at MSG in NYC. 

i had to do all i could to stay focused on shooting for this one.

It has been about a week (wow!) since I saw Janelle Monae perform live in Portland, and I’ve had some time since then to reflect on my experience at the show. And let me tell you, I’ve never experienced anything like it.

To put it in perspective, I’ve only known about Janelle Monae for a couple of years, when Hidden Figures came out, and I was so enamored with her in the film I had to look her up, and she did not disappoint. At this time I had also only realized my sexuality the year before, when I was 21. I always knew I was different growing up, from my skin color to my taste in style and music even down to my own Origin Story (I was adopted from a 3rd World country, one of the very few among all my classmates) but I never really thought of it or was bothered by it.

But then I found Janelle Monae, and I could not believe what I was seeing. Here was a young, dark-skinned, curly-haired, intelligent, beautiful woman who loved dressing up in suites and could sing and dance and act, and who was a huge activist for the marginalized. I couldn’t believe it, because she was so much like me! And then after years of speculation, she finally came out as Pansexual, and for the first time in all my 24 years I feel I truly have someone whom I can look up to, because she represents everything I am in a way I never even realized I was deprived of my whole life!

And then I attended her show only just last week, and it was such a beautiful show in so many ways. She made me feel valid and I wanted to return the favor, so I gave her the Pansexual Flag and, when she took it and waved it around and took it backstage, and the amazing group of WLWOC around me screamed and cheered for me and Janelle I was drunk with happiness. And I realized the whole time I was there that this was the first time in my life I was around people who were all like me, like Janelle. Despite being deemed a diverse and progressive city, Portland in actuality is extremely white, and a vast majority of Oregon is very conservative in a backwoods kind of way.

While at her show there was the highest concentration of POC and variety of sexualities and gender I have ever seen in Portland, all on a grassy field no larger than a football field. And the love and energy and compassion from Janelle and the audience was so pure and immense. It felt like I was in Dirty Computer, living a Crazy, Classic, Life - and I felt so whole and valid and warm!

And then, a couple of days later, I went back to work. Now, I ADORE my job! I adore the people I work for, and the ones I work with. They are my family. I work in a Motorsports Museum, a topic I am very passionate about, so working there is a dream come true! However, I must reiterate that Portland is very white, and even known for its harboring of Neo-Nazi and Alt-Right members. And the surrounding areas and beyond are much worse. There aren’t hipsters, just a lot of backwoods rednecks etc (please don’t nail me on this, anyone who isn’t a white male in Oregon knows this).

Unfortunately, about 85% of the clientele of the museum are large, straight white men (many of which are very proud Alt-Right). Most of these men are older than 40, and many of them have such huge fucking egos they cannot even be bothered to talk to me. They just literally toss their money and get pissed when I ask what they want. And oftentimes they are misogynist as well. Men try and put me down thinking they can outsmart me knowing cars, and get mad at me when I show them otherwise. They make inappropriate advances towards me. They talk about sex in front of their wives and demand I find it funny, even when I tell them I am uncomfortable. I have had things thrown at me because men got pissed at waiting in line. I have been sexually harassed on the phone by these types of men. And this behavior and demographic has only gotten worse over the past couple of years.

And when I got back to work after the concert, it almost physically pained me to be in their presence. I will go on for weeks without seeing a single POC walk through the museum. And going back to work after the concert, where I felt truly equal and valid and proud to be a Dirty Computer, I realized something.

I never belonged. Not like I thought I did.

Among all the white, straight men (and women whom let their husbands behave so poorly) I am everything they cannot or do understand. And I did not expect it to hurt so much.

But that’s okay, because for about 24hrs I was with so many people who were all like me. I finally found my people, and I know I will find them again. Janelle Monae brought us all together, and she validated every one of us through her love and compassion and power, by simply being herself. I only wish I had discovered her when her career first started, back in 2008, because I feel had I of had her back in my early teens I would of discovered things about myself so much sooner than I did, and I wouldn’t of missed out on so much.

Me, in Front Row watching