#dirtbrain digression

This is a story about Hanzawa senpai’s older brother.¹ (I chatted a lot during the stream, so I’ll note things down…)

¹ Hanzawa Masaomi; I’ll be using his name in place of ‘oniichan’.

In chapter 29’s flashback, Masaomi made coming out to his family at the dining table sound like an easy and light thing but, at that time, he planned to leave home if his family rejected him. He consulted his friends on the what-ifs beforehand, resolving himself, and went into that lighthearted conversation prepared for the worst. He thought staying at home wouldn’t be anything but a source² of trouble, and figured that leaving home would be a tidy solution. However, his youngest brother said he’s the same and also came out, which made Masaomi worry that just leaving the house wouldn’t settle things after all.

² I want to make a note here about how the word that in this context is ‘source’, the character 種 (たね; ta ne), can also be used to mean things like ‘offspring’ and ‘lineage’, which are words that see a lot of relevance when the Hanzawa family is in focus. Ha ha.

That was when Masato-kun said, “I’m not like that,” reassuring their parents and, for the time being, settling the fear Masaomi had felt. From that point forward, seeing their parents’ expectations of him and him alone from the other side, Masaomi was grateful for Masato-kun while, at the same time, placing him at the very top of his list of worries. After a little while Masaomi started to wonder if maybe Masato had simply been reading the atmosphere at that time. He has a lot of female friends but no girlfriend³,  goes to an all-boys’ school, and, on top of it all, hasn’t been coming home very often since he moved into the school’s dorms. He was worried about him because he really felt they were in the same boat.

³ 恋人 (こいびと; ko-i bito) is a gender-neutral term that sees a lot of use in both Sasaki to Miyano and Hirano to Kagiura, but because Masaomi suspects that Masato is also gay, it’d be the lack of girlfriend that serves as circumstantial evidence.

Having met Miyano by chance in chapter 29, Masaomi had the opportunity to hear Masato’s true feelings⁴, and he was relieved to hear that he hadn’t been forcing Masato to lie or put up with anything⁵.

⁴ We’ll come back to the conversation in question in a bit. Ha ha ha.

⁵ The conversation in question sees Masato reassuring his older brother. We will come back to it. Ha ha ha ha.

Thanks to Masato-kun, Masaomi is able to get along with their family, and the current environment is important to him. Masaomi thinks he has a tendency towards bottoming, but he’d be satisfied so long as Masato-kun and everyone else approved of the person he brings home, even if he isn’t bottoming.⁶

⁶ Love wins.

That’s an unnecessary bonus… Masato-kun’s side of the issue will be covered someday.

—Harusono Shou, March 27, 2020.

so. Re: footnotes 4 & 5.

the yen press translation for thoroughness’ sake Yes I’m serious. is as follows:

24:

MASATO: My brother. My kouhai. MASAOMI: Hello! MIYANO: Oh, hello. MASATO: Our parents sent us out to get stuff for Christmas. Can you believe it? I’m supposed to be studying for exams. MASAOMI: You say that, but you already made plans to hang out with your friends, Maa-kun… masaomi: I know things. MASAOMI: OH!

25:

MASATO: I asked you not to call me that out in public… MASAOMI: Sorry! MIYANO: Maa-kun. MASATO: See? Now he’s doing it. masato: Miyano, your task over winter break is to forget you ever heard that. Got it? miyano: It’s all right. I tend to forget things anyway. masato: Can’t say I really believe you. MASAOMI: So are you Masato’s boyfriend? MIYANO: HUH—!? miyano: What the!? MASATO: He’s not… masato: Honestly, what is with you…?

26:

MASAOMI: You just look like you’re having a lot of fun with him! MASAOMI: Oy, did you know? Back in junior high, Masa— MASATO: Hey! MASATO: I can’t stand it when everyone always brings everything back to love. masato: Ah! MASATO: ……Sorry. MASAOMI: They might be able to check us out now. I’ll go see. MASATO: Oh… Yeah.

27:

MASATO: Sorry he made things so awkward. He just loves to talk about romance. I can’t take him anywhere. MIYANO: (I’m pretty sure you do the same thing, Hanzawa-senpai.) MIYANO: …I ran into Sasaki-senpai with his older sister not too long ago. MIYANO: They seemed really close. I don’t have any siblings, so I thought they were pretty interesting to watch. MIYANO: So you’re the little brother too, huh?

28:

MASATO: What is that supposed to mean? Miii-yaaa-no! MIYANO: WHOA! miyano: Don’t mess with my hair today! MASATO: …You shouldn’t let just anyone touch your head, you know. MIYANO: Huh?

29:

MASATO: After all, your head is always in the perfect position to pat, but… I think you’ve gotten a little taller? You hit one-seventy yet? MIYANO: Still working on it… masato: ‘Twas only last year that you came up to my waist… miyano: That’s not true! MASATO: Maybe you’ll hit it before you graduate. MIYANO: You think so!? MASATO: Oh, how are you doing on time? miyano: I got here a little early. MIYANO: I gotta go! See you. MASATO: Okay, later! MASAOMI: He gone? MASATO: Yeah. MASAOMI: …Sorry about that. MASATO: About what?

30:

MASAOMI: I haven’t seen you smile like that in a long time, so I just had to tease you a little… masato: Is this everything we needed? masaomi: Only the chicken left. MASATO: …It’s okay. He has someone he’s interested in, so I don’t want to get him caught up in anything weird. MASAOMI: O—Okay, I won’t do it again. MASAOMI: …… MASAOMI: You don’t like him, though, do you? MASATO: You’re gonna piss me off. MASAOMI: S-Sorry… MASAOMI: ……It’s just… You get along with so many people, but you don’t have anyone special. I thought maybe it had to do with us… MASAOMI: If you need help telling Mom and Dad, I can do it for you…

31:

[…] MASATO: ……D’you think I like guys or something? MASAOMI: Huh? You don’t? MASATO: I don’t. I’m attracted to women. MASAOMI: Then why? You hang out with all sorts of girls, but you don’t date any of them, y’know? MASATO: Guess I’m more interested in having fun with my friends right now. MASAOMI: Oh, okay. I went through one of those phases too. masaomi: I see. MASATO: …I’m sorry for being so short with you. MASAOMI: Huh?

32:

MASATO: I don’t actually have a problem with who you love. MASAOMI: Okay. MASAOMI: I’m glad you’re my little brother, Maa-kun. MASAOMI: Oh, right, Mom… I like guys, so you should probably give up on grandkids—from me, at least. their mother: URK! their mother: Huh? What? Wait… Are you coming out to me? MASAKI: Wha? You too, nii-chan? Me too! masaki: I think! MASAOMI: Cool! We’re on the same team. their mother: …What about you, Masato…? MASATO: Me? MASATO: I like girls… their mother: Ohh! Phew… Then Masato will give me grandbabies, so you two can do whatever you like. MASAOMI: All right! You’re the best! their mother: Hey! Hurry up and eat! MASATO: (…Why…) MASATO: (…was she so relieved about that?)

33:

MASATO: (…It’s not something you have to worry about, Mom.) MASATO: (Seeing [Miyano and Sasaki] like that surprised me… But now that I think about it… He always looked like he was having fun when they were together.) masato: I just don’t want him to fall into the clutches of some nasty guy. masaomi: I have to find a guy who’ll pass Maa-kun’s muster. MASATO: (It makes me want to… trust that my brothers will be okay. Since those two are both so happy together.)

and for the record going through and doing that Very tediously. made me think about several things. like the fact that miyano compares masato to sasaki. and the words I haven't seen you smile like that in a long time. but we're seriously not getting into all THAT right now. because we're getting into This. okay? just wait for me to Really inevitably. compare the scanlation to the official translation to the original text. the fact I haven't done that yet is a marvel considering I see the damn scene on the backs of my closed eyelids when I lie down at night. anyway.

I don’t think masaomi’s wrong about “hear[ing] Masato’s true feelings” because …I don’t have any hard feelings about your relationships. is a really important thing to hear from one of his baby brothers, and it IS!!! true. but pairing ‘true feelings’ with not lying and not silently enduring anything all on his own is soooo funny. because that’s not true at ALL!!!!!!!

but another funny thing is that masaomi has Already seen past a lie masato has told. because Regardless of how you personally read it. masato seriously WAS just reading the atmosphere at the dining table that day. I want to give masaomi his flowers because he pulled off his lighthearted coming out so lightheartedly that you’d never guess he was terrified of it going horribly, but both in the past and in the present masato’s got that stress sweat.

there were high stakes at the dining table, which is why he answered what he did regardless of what the truth was. and there are high stakes in this conversation with masaomi, which is why he makes sure to tell him directly that he doesn’t have any hard feelings towards his older brother about his relationships. and the second of these high stakes situations even sees him telling the truth!!!!!!! about that one specific thing

I mean you could read this conversation in its entirety as hanzawa masato telling the truth. like I cannot stop you. but

if he was telling the truth what the fuck would be left to say. harusono shou please can you hea

you can see that big things are looking up for guys like me.

but okay put a pin in that. Why were there such high stakes at the dining table? Great question . Do you remember that second footnote

a few things rapid fire: 1) mrs. hanzawa was relieved when masato said he liked girls because he “will handle the grandkids” 2) mrs. hanzawa has a daughter who is literally sitting there at the dining table with everyone else 3) mrs. hanzawa And her husband I presume. he’s not at the dining table but masaomi’s account would have both his parents in the picture Whatever. named her children Masaomi (雅臣), Masato (雅人), Masaki (雅樹), and Masako (雅子). 4) matching character name schemes like this feel pretty old-fashioned.

so what can we deduce? is it possible, maybe, that the hanzawa family is old-fashioned and traditional, that its older generation believes that a daughter’s children are assumed to belong to whatever family she marries into, and that only a son can continue a family’s bloodline?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I love circumstantial evidence. there haven’t been any noted occasions when I said things that turned out to be true or anything. We don’t have to get into it. O.K.?

anyway. what consistently puts me in a fragile state of mind about masato and his older brother in this conversation in sasamiya (+the stageplay, whole other can of worms), and what kept running and-then-backing-up-over my helpless body in the process of translating this blog post, is that it feels so obvious to me how much masato is shouldering things to try to take care of his family, and how much masaomi is trying to take that responsibility off of him. because masaomi wants to Be an older brother. vis à vis looking after his Little Brother, which was his motivator for staying home for masaki. and he can't look after masato because he ran off to the dorms, but in this One proper appearance he's actively trying to look after masato by offering to talk to their parents for him, like he's trying to pay one of his baby brothers back and remind him that masato's not an island in this, and that he's not the older brother here. and masato still insists things are fine, and masaomi doesn’t push the issue, is evidently still relieved. but some pressure here between them was dispelled too. but ☝️ some pressure remains. Which I Am Fine About

so is that all I have to say right now No actually because there’s this (incredibly haggard voice) funny thing about the taishō au from so many years ago. Right. like even leaving tashiro out of it.

masato Looks like a prodigal son but [is] really just a worldly person. officially translated in the first guidebook as, He appears to be a profligate son, but he's actually just a drifter. both translations are very straightforward to say he ran away from home. looking at ogasawara’s information (the fan translation, because the official translation—you’ll never believe that I went and looked at the original text for this thing (@sunnnfish found it for me) to check the information myself I could not stop finding more ways to make this more work for myself—got this piece of information wrong) we find out that his older brother is actually a “prodigal son” giving him (and probably eimi also, whom he’s already married to) grief. and this stuff matters because Taking what we know and can deduce from canon, ogasawara jirou’s older brother and hanzawa masaomi have got a Thing going on. and for the elder ogasawara to be an actual prodigal son contrary to masato’s appears-that-way-but-isn’t-actually status might make you wonder, What does “prodigal son” really mean here? clearly nothing important or queer or anything. and besides hanzawa masato ISN’T a prodigal son or anything! he’s just a RUNAWAY!!!!!!!! WHO RAN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!! FROM HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and ogasawara gave him work and a place to be in the midst of all of this. Which isn’t anything to me. another thing that isn’t anything to me is the Being mistaken for a prostitute thing because hanzawa masato has just toooo much sex appeal. This post isn’t about that. Don’t worry about it

what we are getting from this. is that Without the convenient dorm system for him to make into a Real home away from home (note here really just for myself, for later, that the way masato runs the dorms as the dorm head is in obvious conversation with the way his house works and, as always, his sensitivity about interpersonal relationships and homosocial relationships is way complex but ultimately stems from being a worrier with levels of control over the two home environments he has any experience with at all on totally opposite ends of the spectrum of control) That was a long parenthetical.

Without the convenient dorm system for him to make into a Real home away from home he end up running away from home entirely. and in the process Ends up being taken in by ogasawara jirou and ogasawara eimi. and jirou’s “prodigal son” older brother. who As we all know. has a Thing going on with the eldest hanzawa brother. which is to say that running away from what your family’s house represents won’t take you away from the heart of what you’re actually seeking to protect and look after. he’s a runaway but not a prodigal son; seeing the world as a “worldly person”, a “drifter”, but not digging himself a pit of disgrace for which he needs to go back home begging for forgiveness over.

this post isn’t about taishō au and it’s not about the elder ogasawara brother. but I think about it.

anyway. this blog post you sent me, anon.

sasaki non-confrontational, kagi facing things head-on; sasaki running away from help where kagi is arguably over-reliant on it; sasaki refuses to call hirano his friend but kagi is DESPERATE to have some formal claim, some title, over him; narratively speaking* sasaki runs from thinking about hirano whenever possible, ducking behind miyano, kagi (roommate-kun), or the both of them if he can’t clear his mind quick enough, whereas it feels sometimes like hirano’s all kagi thinks about;

*I say ‘narratively speaking’ to mean that within the world, obviously kagi thinks about many things that are not hirano, and thoughts of hirano obviously slip through the hastily patched cracks in sasaki’s defenses.

I was trying to go at this thoughtfully and with notes and all but I was tying myself up into knots and was gonna give myself a headache for the trouble. So Because I was at work anyway I figured I might as well just talk out of my ass.

to start with I think it’s really funny that all three of them—sasaki, kagi, and hirano—are on the S side of the S&M chart. I know this is an interesting place to start.

[this is the obligatory disclaimer that the S&M indicators are not exclusively sexual in nature, and they wouldn’t be As interesting a framework of analysis if they were. that said Attitudes about and toward things of halfway sexual or suggestive nature are Culturally Variable. sadomasochism is, at the end of the day, a sexual psychological and behavioral term and area of study, and part of the reason S and M have made their way into the (japanese) cultural collective consciousness (as in Used all over the place, including and especially contexts that are verifiably Safe For Work) is probably Something to do with history of social and cultural humor. but I’m not a professional and didn’t do any research on that to say this because This Really Isn’t About That Right Now. though it’s very interesting stuff, you should doubt and second-guess me frequently. I am still just a big-headed pervert with no qualifications.]

anyway. putting aside INNUENDO really what this (their all being S) means practically is that the lot of them are assertive people by nature. this next bit has to be about sasaki.

his straight-up depression and complex(es) about strength and hurting others puts a damper on his natural temperament. but also This totally falls out of the scope of what we’re doing here. but sometimes you just have to wonder about the relative scaling of the spectrum. just put a pin in that though I am only one guy. in any case for current purposes what S is a signifier of is Doing the teasing, no tolerance for being teased. “What does no tolerance imply?” WE CAN’T GET INTO IT RIGHT NOW. OKAY? what it means for sasaki anyway is He likes to tease (makes his little jokes), probably doesn’t handle being teased the greatest (whatever that means), and What of assertiveness? Well that’s the question isn’t it.

WHY DOESN’T SASAKI ASK FOR HELP? put a pin in that too for Technically we don’t know but probably depression. and also the complex(es) about strength and hurting others. (and also additionally just Not really intrinsically knowing what it’s like to be cared for—address further questions on this subject matter to dedicated sasaki scholar @aranarumei.) if asking for help is an assertive behavior and assertive is a violent-sounding word that conjures up images of cornering people and handing out threats like candy and also Sasaki wants to be helped up but he can’t face it and therefore doesn’t really express it. the way Prior to petri dish boy he doesn’t really express a lot of things.

you see how hirano is right there, juuust on the S side of the chart? more assertive than not, more teaser than teased, but largely centered. less assertive than sasaki, technically. imagine with me: If Sasaki needed my help, why wouldn’t he just ask? left of sasaki, more S: kagi, who needs help and expresses it freely. Why wouldn’t he just ask? sasaki lighting up around miyano, teasing the hell out of him. Why wouldn’t he just ask? sasaki not even getting miyano’s phone number. Why wouldn’t he just ask? discrepancy behind sasaki’s nature and the façade he puts up—the sleepy, friendly, open-enough, aimless sasaki in the stairwell that time, that hirano could see wanted to be helped up; the sasaki he watched on after, who “never seemed like [he] wanted to get any better”; sasaki’s shitty mask, hirano knowing something’s off but not knowing what. jumping into a fight for somebody else, but not even slightly for yourself—sentient punching bag; being worried but not so much. If Sasaki needed my help, why wouldn’t he just ask?

hypothesis: because so much of sasaki’s issues are enmeshed with his acting against who he is, hirano would likewise need to act a little outside of himself to get through to him (e.g. more assertive, e.g. Why didn’t you ask me for help?)

hypothesis: because kagiura doesn’t have that issue, his and hirano’s relationship is able to progress more smoothly.

clarifying statement: kagiura’s issue, primarily, is that he hates that he feels he can’t act against who he is.

can’t help but let himself be helped and cared for, can’t help but be subject to feelings of jealousy, can’t help but want outside of the lines he himself drew in the sand. he couldn’t bear it if he did something to hirano that hirano really didn’t want; is, on some level, scared of himself and the You will recognize this turn of phrase. enormity of his desire.

a workaround is that hirano is more comfortable, likes, hugging kagi over being hugged. the less assertive enjoys asserting over the more assertive.

Hm.

Hm.

Hm.

hypothesis: if sasaki, just once before endeavoring to close himself off, had just let hirano in—

Living together as a symbol of emotional intimacy and vulnerability.

this would be a title or subtitle or header or sub header somewhere but really I think it speaks for itself. and I’m bad at anything that meaningfully resembles a legitimately structured essay. fortunately or unfortunately the Living together variable is dependent on the senpai-kouhai variable, which Just unfortunately is not dependent on the Living together variable. by which I mean I think sincerely that hirano (saw the light of heaven upon being called niichan) wouldn’t have left sasaki alone had he been in the first year cohort. but, consequently, they wouldn’t have gotten the stairwell conversation that was Maybe […] supposed to happen.

You might understand a little now why I get so preoccupied with narrative threads when it comes to sasahira.

I had a lunch break here. I resumed when it was over. sasakagi time. I love sasakagi because I love mess.

we know how sasaki feels about kagi At least as far as second year because of SPECIFICALLY the incredibly revealing If your precious little [kouhai] sucks at studying, then he’s not gonna get any better. which is to say He is literally drawing the comparisons between them himself. just so blatantly.

imagine you compare yourself to your friend’s guy you know’s classmate’s* precious little kouhai to vent a little of your Depressed Malaise and in response, instead of saying literally anything else, and especially anything that addresses this big gaping wound you just flashed him two and a half seconds ago, he rejects the comparison you just made to defend precious little kouhai-kun. from any association with you. and your Malaise. Hirano you can’t just say that.

*considering how sasaki says (emphasis mine) “one of the smartest guys in his class”, he kind of acts like they aren’t even classmates. so maybe ‘guy you know’ is the most apt after all.

but the thing obviously is that hirano’s wrong—not about kagi not getting any better, but about kagi and sasaki not being similar. the only difference (that matters in this incredibly volatile* conversation) is that kagi is a kouhai suffering in the same room as him and sasaki is not. the context naturally wants it to be both ‘kouhai’ AND ‘same room’ but Hirano Taiga sasaki sits right behind you in class. I know it’s the magic of living together but you are a sick, cruel man.

*complicated

and look sasaki and hirano Do undeniably get closer over their three years together (close enough for the word ‘friend’ to slip out of sasaki’s mouth and splatter world-shatteringly on the pavement for hirano to say literally nothing about, sasaki) but it’s still predicated on all these misconstructions of reality and circumstance. sat right next to him alone in a room together, sasaki needs help with something, thinks to ask hirano about it (sat right next to him), hesitates because he sees how focused he looks (right there) (sat right next to him), and then ultimately decides against it. meanwhile hirano (right there) (next to sasaki) (no buffer chairs because sasaki took the chair there) (right next to him) yawns because he’s tired, and by tired I mean Probably understimulated. because as much as hirano likes studying he’s gotten SO used to helping kagi with his work over THEIR time together that not being asked to think about A) what he already knows very well and/or B) what he himself is reviewing for any potential uncertainty is a detriment to his focus. he’s probably bored. to put it out there plainly: because sasaki pulled back from asking for help, out of consideration for his friend hirano, who is right there, he is doing them both a disservice.*

hirano has taught sasaki to ‘not always’ put up his guard, which I do think is more substantial than lowering a bit of it (sorry petri dish boy but it’s true), but ‘not always’ seems, very apparently, to apply only when sasaki doesn’t get into his head about how weird it feels to be with hirano at all, let alone… alone with him.

the recurring theme at play of course being that hirano’s time with sasaki affects his time with kagi, and hirano’s time with kagi affects his time with sasaki, because they are the exact same but different.

*if this sounds familiar Don’t think about read and/or review adult au hrkg and Do not fall into catatonia.

also I’m bringing back the side-by-side. Come ON…

so I don’t know if you’ve gotten the chance to read the sasamiya first years novel yet highly recommend it Sound of the summer. but there was. like. an unprecedented amount of stuff in there that gutted me. like the last chapter. here’s the chapter image by the way

psychological warfare on me specifically. just Look I’ll bold the highlights:

He wants to pull himself up, I thought. He just hasn’t found anything to give him that push.

Not that it was any business of mine.

“Sun’s pretty high in the sky by now. There shouldn’t be any direct sunlight on your desk this time of day,” I said. “You came all the way to school. As long as you have the chance to make the effort, why not make it?”

With that encouragement, Sasaki got to his feet, swaying slightly. As I watched him brush the dust off his uniform, I decided to suggest to the Disciplinary Committee that we should make sure this area got swept periodically. We wouldn’t want any part of the school, even one off-limits to students, to look grimy.

“Mmm… Well, I guess I could handle one worksheet. If you’ll help me, Hirano.” The way he still seemed completely harmless was almost funny.

“Yeah, I’ll help you. If you really have it with you. If you don’t, then go talk to the teacher and get another copy before lunch is over.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

I almost cracked a smile at the sense of friendliness he exuded. “You should only say ‘yeah’ once. Break’s over in five minutes, you know. You could stand to look like you’re sweating it a little.”

This time, Sasaki drew it out into a single “yeeeah.” He started down the stairs, and I fell into step beside him. “Hey, give me your phone number,” I said softly, rushing it out.

“You?” he said, apparently not expecting that at all.

I was surprised to discover I felt a rush of embarrassment. I kept my eyes determinedly forward. “It’s a pain in the ass not being able to get ahold of you.” It felt funny, looking after a guy my own age like this, but I couldn’t stop myself. I figured getting Sasaki’s contact info now would make it easier if I needed something with him in the future.

Sasaki Shuumei.

My first impression was that he did things by the seat of his pants. My second—that he was a lot of trouble.

for my own peace of mind. will largely copy-paste what I’ve already said

like. how else do I say that this feels like. pre-romance. you’d think it’s WEIRD for these two. but there’s still that feeling. that hirano feels drawn to look after sasaki in like EXACTLY the same way he felt drawn to look after kagi. the like. “Hey, give me your phone number,” I said softly, rushing it out. sasaki sweeping dust off himself and hirano getting the idea to suggest the disciplinary committee sweep EVERYWHERE. with that underlying feeling of I don’t want you to get dirty. seeing where sasaki is, not wanting to move forward, and wanting (quietly, subconsciously) to help him with it. Maybe we were supposed to be having this conversation.

like what’s WITH that. why does it FEEL LIKE THAT

like part of it totally is the whole I have feelings for you I have feelings for you too (the feeling they’re both feeling is friendship) but it’s ALSO. ITS SOMETHING ELSE TOO. and it’s SO interesting to bite into because this novel like. very suddenly threw at us this different angle at which to view the relationships we’re already familiar with. and without even knowing it hirano and sasaki’s friendship—which was ALREADY liable to tear me asunder—was actually EVEN MORE LOADED with things to blow my dick clean off No don’t leave that in.

like we knew already that hirano’s this diligent kind of guy, but he gets this task that he feels is absolutely not his fucking job (tell sasaki to turn in a worksheet) and then he, like. gets pissy about it Yeah but also takes it exactly as seriously as you’d EXPECT him to. he complains about not feeling full at lunch even on a regular gym day, but he ate fast to have more time. to look for sasaki. he looked in every typical playing-hooky kind of space in the school, physically moving up the school, floor by floor, as he searched. and then he’s out of places. except for the school roof, which is locked, but he gets suspicious and goes to check anyway.

Ogasawara said Sasaki hates the heat. From that perspective, the stairway looked like a cozy hole in the ground.

I pushed aside the whiteboard proclaiming that the roof was for “authorized personnel only” and took a hesitant step onto the stairs. I worked my way up to the landing, doing my damnedest not to make a sound. I turned and saw someone.

“There you are!” I sighed.

Sasaki was at the uppermost part of the staircase. The door to the roof was indeed locked, and the only window that let any light in was far away. Sasaki was sitting in a shadowy spot, leaning against the cool wall, listening to music.

“Oh,” he said, his eyes drifting open. His ya-caught-me expression seemed out of place on the dusty staircase. It was the disinterested reaction of a guy who just didn’t care about school.

“The hell are you doing here?” I said. Had he really been sitting there all day? Didn’t his butt get sore?

Sasaki slid off his headphones and gave me a questioning look. “Er, Hirano, right? Whatcha need?”

He remembers my name? That surprised me. Maybe my golden hair gave it away.

“What do I need? To tell you that you have to turn in a worksheet for Modern Literature today. You’re the only one who hasn’t.”

Only then did it occur to me that it would have been far more efficient just to have Ogasawara send him a text. I’d been asked to tell him to turn in the worksheet, but I wasn’t ordered to collect it from him. Still, it was true that I was concerned about his “flying by the seat of his pants” approach to life. Maybe we were supposed to be having this conversation.

and really when you read the entire chapter with this understanding of its Weirdness you’ll notice all these various ways hirano has noticed things about sasaki (“No wonder he always seemed to be eating bread at lunch.”) and it’s just like. Where do we go from here.

and then you look at early hirakagi and sasaki’s subtitle is “The Classmate” and it’s BEWILDERINGLY FUNNY

like this is hysterical to me. you share this strangely intimate moment with this guy you feel drawn to look after despite everything and then after that he’s not even your friend yet.

we see what the beginning of their friendship looks like, we see how invested hirano is in sasaki’s just. everything! we see how much he sees sasaki (apathetic, placid, a couple steps from delinquency, though he’s not moving towards it) and we see how much he WANTS sasaki to get past it!!! and then they aren’t even friends yet. because hirano is unbeatably weird about his relationships with all people. what the hell is wrong with you hirano taiga. I love you.

AND THAT ISN’T EVEN GETTING INTO THE WAY SASAKI GETS ABOUT HIRANO.!!!!! because just. god I think the reason I was putting this off is because it makes me want to cry. We all remember this scene right

because I remember. think I could probably get whacked over the head with a fire extinguisher, get amnesia’d, and still remember this scene in blinding detail. have I said already that I’m insane. I went on this big long tangent in sunnnfish’s tags about it one time, and I’m gonna quote myself on that:

the way sasaki who even now at this point in time is generally apathetic and walled off from emotion / who is walking with a friend of his who also generally isn’t much for externalizing how he feels / sees an aspect of that friends life that he hardly sees / and thus sees an aspect of that FRIEND he hardly sees / and that aspect is. it’s so. / like i’m losing my grip on this framing / sasaki knows hirano to be kind of a hardass and stick in the mud / and all of a sudden out of nowhere hirano is like Head back without me and sasaki / who until that moment hadn’t been paying attention. had therefore been observing and feeling nothing / looks up and sees. hirano doing something so (to sasaki) UN-hiranolike / because of kagi. and sasaki has to notice that. because he and hirano are friends. and sasaki is someone who notices things

the much shorter quote that sums up my feelings on this scene just about as well is as follows: LIKE GOD. LOOK AT SASAKI’S EYES. YOU GET WHAT I MEAN / DON’T YOU?

like you. I have to collect myself this is so embarrassing I hate you sasaki shuumei….. <- lie YOU GET THESE PIECES AND START PUTTING THEM TOGETHER. that their friendship started at the top of a stairwell that was kind of like a cozy hole in the ground, and hirano saw the sasaki there that was kind of just. not in a place to care! and he reached out to him in his pissy hardass way and asked shyly for his number and agreed to help with his work and started this process that got sasaki to. HERE!!!! they weren’t friends until somehow someway sometime they were and when hirano tells sasaki to go back without him he placidly agrees until he sees what hirano is doing and he gets this look in his eyes and it’s. I think I subconsciously know to avoid talking about sasaki because I can’t ever help but get unbearably emotional.

they’re just

they’re friends. and they care about each so much and the jump from their first year first-contact fucking. rendezvous in the stairwell leading to the roof, where it’s just them two in a place where neither of them is supposed to be, where hirano still resolves to keep it clean. which could mean nothing. to their second year where you can just look at sasaki’s eyes and glean something beyond words that has permanently ruined my life. to their third year where they’re so easy and comfortable and hirano smiles easily and with affection and sasaki has grown into someone who would be a stranger to first year hirano, but not an unwelcome one. you just. you have to get it! you have to understand!

so hey. we’ve made it this far in. right? we have. so can I please just

hirano sees sasaki, wants to help him despite being the same age -> sasaki, two years later, undeniably friends with this guy who he can be deeply himself with, wants help with something, sees hirano, notices how focused in on his own work he is, probably puzzles together how worn out he’s gotta be, and resolves not to ask for it.

we’ve made it this far in together, right? so I’ll do you the favor of not drawing this comparison to kagi even though I kind of want to, both for your sake but mostly for mine. because it might kill me to put those words together and I need to wipe my eyes AGAIN I HATE YOU SASAKI SHUUMEI!!!!!!!! <- liar

but there’s this thing that is so so evident through hirakagi specifically where you see sasaki seeing something and resolving to hold onto it for hirano’s sake. sasaki sees how worn out hirano is and refuses to put more stress on him. sasaki sees hirano interacting with roommate-kun and makes up his mind to keep as many of those details from miyano as possible.

he just cares. sasaki just cares.

so now this If you thought I was being weird before. man. let me quote myself again

like. it . these two. it almost feels like sasaki is thinking about miyano just to remind you that the weirdness here is totally Not something we should be latching onto. like sasaki SHOULD know already that miyano would NOT want him hunching over. but how else would we get THIS

what is with sasaki and hirano and this FEELING.

sasaki’s own line of ellipses. I mean, it’s not like you’re short or anything. Oh. But then Roommate-kun’s taller than me, isn’t he?

WHAT IS WITH SASAKI AND HIRANO AND THIS FEELING.

@sunnnfish comments here on the liminality, “a special space where time and space feel weird. Almost like it shouldn’t exist”

a couple steps to the left

like sasaki and miyano.. they don’t really get all that many liminal moments. and hirano and kagi get their moments but they’re like. MOMENTS. but sasaki and hirano…… every one of them, it feels like, when they’re alone, just the two of them. every one of them has that liminal feeling where everything’s weird, and you’re speaking around this impossible SOMETHING in your mouth, sat on your tongue, not going anywhere, and your words come out sort of jumbled for it. your brain tunes it out, thoughts about this and that, anything else, but the busyness just serves to emphasize that space on your tongue that is being taken up by….. whatever it is. like an x-ray, what’s being seen through and what isn’t.

…

like this moment where it’s just them and liminality is inescapable, they HAVE to talk about roommate-kun and he HAS to think about miyano. they have to. just a couple steps to the left, but this isn’t that. Oh. But Roommate-kun’s taller than me, isn’t he?

I’m a rotten husk, if you couldn’t tell. going to take one more second on that FUCKING. LINE because there’s something about it to me.

S: You of all people?

H: Huh?

S: Oh, no…

S: ………

S: I mean, it’s not like you’re short or anything. Oh. But then Roommate-kun’s taller than me, isn’t he?

his demeanor, his nine point ellipses, scratching the back of his head. then he thinks about kagi and draws the comparison. I’m gonna be sick I think actually

and then sunnnfish threw a right hook re: recontextualizing hirano’s They really have gotten close… …… Well, I guess there’s nothing wrong with that.

SF: … it’s like. In our canon universe that Not shifted a little to the left Hirano watches Sasaki evolve so much. Because of Miyano. Sasaki rather suddenly became such a close friend of his who he actively wants to see get better and find purpose and he sees him find that. At least a little. Even though he’s still apathetic he has more pep in his step. And there’s something there in all of that too. Just. Watching your best friend fall in love and change. That’s like it’s own kind of fucked up. Especially considering on some level he wanted to be the one to help sasaki. But he’s also happy that sasaki seems happier. I’m getting lost in the sauce I feel

DB: NO YEAH YOURE GETTING ME THERE

so I’ll drag back the tldr. sasaki and hirano have a really queer friendship and it’s a pang through the heart if you’re at all like me. number one secret third thing of my heart, because they’re actually really mundane and their friendship is so liminal and. look when I say. okay I’m gonna say something. their friendship is kind of romantic. just not necessarily in a romantic way. okay? all right.

one last. Let me sort of quote myself one last time I promise

sasaki too this GUY…. like of course I like the sasaki sasaki is with miyano. he’s everything to me even. but I think part of this secret third thing with hirano is like. the clear shot of the sasaki that. well not everyone sees him this way, tashiro thinks he’s scary. and ogasawara is gonna have a different view of him too because they’ve known each other for a few years now. but hirano went looking for him—when he realized HIMSELF that he literally could have just had ogasawara SEND HIM A TEXT—he went looking for him and found him in that stairwell that he was NOT supposed to be in and spoke to him, like he was maybe SUPPOSED to, and he sees this clear shot of the sasaki that is so. quiet friendly lonely and kind, a little timid and reclusive and aimless but not for lack of WANTING to pull himself up. this sasaki. and hirano gets a little short with him but he also wants to help him, wants to help pull him up, or at least help him WANT to pull himself up, wants to look after him

they’re weird and they care about each other so so so so sooooo so much because they’re friends. and sometimes they’re weird about each other. which is super normal. but as much as I’m waving my hands around clarifying this and that I’m standing by my initial statement with the stairwell. that was a really romantic framing. all right? okay.