#dimlylitmealsforone

This is like some supernatural mumbo jumbo, holy shit. 

I add rambling and over-done captions to pictures that people take of their meals because I am desperate for human attention, even if it's a cursory chuckle or a resigned 'euch'.

As a result I have developed an unhealthy symbiotic relationship with social media in which I am a desperate louse crawling on the pubis of this very microblogging site, sucking up the life sustaining blood of sad food photos.

I also, on occasion, review food items which have appeared in my life without warning much like the mystery outbreak of cold sores which blighted the final weeks of so many of my schoolmates yet managed to pass me by completely being, of course, totally unrelated to the fact I wasn't invited to any of that toothy bastard Darren's infamous 'conservatory of carnality' parties.

But I digress. This isn't about Darren and his overabundance of teeth, nor is it about the fact that my social life died at some point around the turn of the century. No, it's about spicy chickpeas.

On The Pulse are an indie snack food producer that make edibles out of...pulses. You know, those horrible things that you need to soak for hours before cooking and that the human body has a great deal of digesting quietly and discretely.

But it's also On The Pulse because they're also exceedingly current and achingly hip and on message. Yes, there is duality of meaning being played with so it is indeed a most clever name.

Similar to Innocent, purveyors of smoothies and indigestible vegetable buckets, OTP like to use twee copy on their packaging because either they cynically think it makes them seem kooky like a Zooey Deschanel, or they're genuine hardcore knitted cupcake enthusiasts who like to imagine they're engaged in friendly dialogue with their food purchasables.

Any way you slice it it's an annoyance but it could be easily forgiven if the product was a sexy flavour riot, not like the microwaveable tubs of silage currently being sold by Innocent to hapless goons who are panicked over the increase from 5 to 7 recommended portions of fruit and veg a day.

Unfortunately, OTP have managed to create not a flavour riot but, instead, an experience that's closer to waterboarding for your tastebuds.

Because I'm not a proper food blogger I don't get sent things for free to review. Nor do I blackmail restaurants into giving me free food, mainly because I find that dining out does little to help my social anxiety.

Anyhow, the point is that I pay for my snacks with my own hard earned money, and I hate to say it but 'Hot Chicks Spicy Roasted Chickpeas' are perhaps my most foolish waste of coin since buying a theremin that broke after two days from some spiv on eBay.

I don't remember how much they cost, but it was a lot for what was ostensibly just a small packet of dried chickpeas.

In my defence I was fooled by the cool Mexican wrestling mask on the box. I'm a sucker for anything lucha libre related, and I love simple bold design. As such the only hero in this sad story is the chap who did the design, Benjamin Hayward.

The ingredients listed on the box indicate that they've used chipotle seasoning in the preparation of the snack. They also make the extravagant claim that the chickpeas are spicy. Neither seem particularly plausible to me. There is no heat from these little peas, nor is there any of the tell tale smokiness of chipotle.

Instead you get a momentary tang on the tongue, not dissimilar to licking a freshly shaved pencil. Then, nothing. Just the flavourless and unpleasant texture of a dry chickpea, soaking up all the moisture in your mouth and leaving an aftertaste of spoiled bird seed.

It's as if the people at On The Pulse had simply picked out all the chickpeas from Aldi brand Bombay Mix, cleaned them of any spices which might elicit any a pleasurable reaction, and then repackaged them in a 45g bag with a smart looking luchador on the front.

I know I tend towards hyperbole, but believe me when I say that these chickpeas are a complete fucking travesty of taste.

I'm angered by almost everything about this snack. By the taste, by the twee copy, by the crap attempt to make them fashionably sexy (sexist?) by calling them 'Hot Chicks'.

To put this snack into perspective I'd like you imagine that there's a nuclear holocaust.

Mankind is forced to live in fallout shelters and exist off of tinned goods and specially harvested fungi.

very unusual crisp (potato chip) with facial features Found this in a packet of Walkers Sensation crisps found it very unusual, thought it a shame to eat it as somebody might collect these sort of things.

listed as used due to being removed from packet.

Will be packaged very carefully.And, marked as fragile.

If by chance it is damaged in transit, you will need to contact the courier.

Grainy image, check. Dim lighting, check. An unbelievably awful looking concoction that is hard to figure out quiet what it is, check. Dimlylitmealsforone tumblr has got it all. To begin with I would look upon these grim photographs with glee. I had fast become accustomed to the most beautiful, lush, delicious looking I want to grab it out of my computer screen and eat it ( Charlie and the chocolate factory stylee) photography common on food blogs. Maybe I was jealous that my humble HTC Wildfire S could not possibly make pictures of food look any good.

Coming across dimly lit meals was refreshing, there was, burnt food, shades of grey on a plate only suitable for ancient socks, strange mixtures and things beyond description. But then something changed, a real sense of shock and horror took hold of my person. It struck me that the maker of the dim meal was actually going to eat it. Do not get me wrong I have no room for food snobbery. You have got to eat.Often my meals are for one but I do not recall producing anything that looked like that. Some of my big sister's first cooking efforts in the late 90's looked unpalatable and tasted abominable. Unfortunately my twin brother and I were the victims of those sorry meals. But now she is an excellent cook and we fall ourselves to eat there.

Circular heap of rice, chocolatecheesechip, submits this inadequate puddle of a meal and writes: 

40 second microwave rice could not save this day old mushroom soup packet.

It stands to reason that a diet heavy in food preservatives will result in a body that takes longer to decay. A heartening thought if like me you're worried about dying alone and the resultant mess that ensue.