#digitaldiary1997

31.07.26

a very difficult day. I've never stopped looking for beauty anyway. even if I felt in hell. I listened to my synth-postpunk playlist and felt alive... and sad... and cried while taking a sunbathe. lately I've been crying in the most beautiful places. and even if it's sad, it feels right. just so right.

I am watching a very light and dumb series...

heh.

28/07/26

today i studied a bit. just to set the next task to accomplish. it was a long time that i didn't sit at my desk... summer really change my perspective of my own room. but I read on the Internet that it's quite normal during this season to feel more foggy then usual... we have to drink a lot and be gentle towards ourselves. and many other things.

i work 3 days in a row full day like starting from 8 to 22 as a receptionist but practically can be like...5 hours? and it's not that i work 5 hours doing something all the time, it's just my presence. and the rest of the hours i can be home but i must be available just in case someone makes a reservation. it's strange but even doing nothing it's exhausting, because i don't feel free. but it's not true. like, i am free of doing a LOT of things (except of going very far).

i only have myself. and i feel tired all the time. so i should rest, but instead i scroll for hours and hours. such a terrible addiction...

:(

i am going through something...

i am trying to bring what i know deep inside my heart on the surface. i am trying not to follow my insecure voice all the time. i am doing what i can to change direction of my actions. it's something so slow. and it's so good to be conscious about this... life on the surface is fast, but what happens inside is slow. and so it must be. key word: safe. risk is glorified a lot and i understand it. but in my life i've been in so many risky situations, and it was the only way for me to feel alive.

i feel different now. i want to feel safe, i want to feel myself, i want to stay present. i want to consciously dicide where and when and why should i do a step into the unknown, but feeling safe inside my skin.

i want to be the main character of my life. i want to be able to discern what i need, what i don't need, what brings me joy and what it does not.

practically i am working, and thinking a lot. low energies so i am sleeping as much as i can and trying to keep going with my thesis- even if i struggle to maintain focus. i keep trying. today i am talking to my professor and see what instructions he can give me. ye.

i bought some new pieces of clothing (cheap) and i am pretty happy about them. match my basic but classy style.

when i have more time in the morning i integrated some pilates exercise other then stretching. breath intesifies and makes meditation a bit more insightful.

i feel proud of myself because of my morning routine.

every friday i am going to a poetry-night where anyone can read their favourite poems... it's magical. A. is so happy to give me his post-punk/ new wave old albums and books. i love listening to him reading his poems, i love his eyes and smile. we have so much fun together. i love his shop too and spending the evening there listening to really good music and laughing... life really made me a good gift revealing these people and this place to me. i am so, so grateful.

now i want to sleep a bit...

going back "home" is like a little trauma every time.

i am back in my shared house after a couple of days there, and my balance is... lost. i feel like i want to cry. i feel something bad inside of me, that i can't manage, i can't explain, i can't address in any way.

it just makes me sad, and angry, and lost. like my life was just a big lie or something like this.

i will find balance again, because routine exists outside of me anyway. i will go to work, i will go to the grocery shop, i will cook, and eat, and sleep. i will discover a new anime to obsess over. and life will keep going.

while writing about it i have tears going down on my face: i feel so much anger towards my mother, and i feel guilty too, at the same time. it's so hard to have these emotions inside. i should not feel guilty, but you know. something very high inside of me suggests that people are the way they are for reasons, painful reasons. i am not obliged to forgive and forget, but i am sad for those who live disrespecting themselves and others too. i feel sad for those who can't love or see certain things.

whatever.

i need to cry. i need beautiful music to cry. i need poetry. i need life. i need to feel alive and ENERGY and i want to feel MY SOUL and! ah! free.

free to be the adult young woman I AM.