#difficult past

For as long as I can remember, I have tempered my enthusiasm—the innate joy I feel while making my art—in the name of “being realistic” or “being humble”. At first it was clearly because my dad forbade me from pursuing these creative exploits at all professionally (he said he was trying to “protect me” from getting hurt), and so I always felt “wrong” for making music or writing stories, even though those activities brought me so much joy. I‘ve always told myself it’s wrong to be confident in my work, or that it’s wrong to be so hopeful and joyful in what I do.

Decades later, making music (and teaching about music) is my full-time career. My therapist helped me realize that it’s ok to acknowledge that I’m good at it. It’s ok to acknowledge and respect the absolute Joy I feel when I am being creative. The way she put it was, my eyes light up and my face animates with so much joy when talking about creating music—then there’s always a “But”…

This “But…” is the part of me that still places an emotional “lid” on all my creative activities. It comes out whenever I say things like:

“I want to win a Grammy someday… But it’s wrong for me to think that.”

“I want more people to enjoy my art… But I’m only one of millions of artists out there.”

Basically, I was reminded that there is nothing wrong with wishing and hoping and wanting great things for myself. I don’t have to shut myself down for being hopeful and excited—for knowing I’m good at what I do and loving what I do.

What would happen if I lifted the emotional lid of caution off of my creativity? What would happen if I truly embraced all that I know that I am? What might have I been “protecting” myself from by tempering my innate joy and creativity in the name of being “realistic”?

Here is the mantra I wrote out for myself today, in response:

Henceforth I will lift the Lid off of my Joy, and allow my True Self to shine ever-so brightly.

From Alchetron:

Helene Bertha Amalie “Leni” Riefenstahl ( [ˈʁiːfənʃtaːl]; 22 August 1902 – 8 September 2003) was a German film director, producer, screenwriter, editor, photographer, actress, dancer, and propagandist for the Nazis.

Born in 1902 into a Lutheran Protestant family, Leni Riefenstahl grew up in Germany with her brother Heinz (1905–1944) who was killed on the Eastern Front in World War II. A talented swimmer and artist, she also became interested in dancing during her childhood, taking dancing lessons and performing across Europe.