#diarytogod

It's my 3rd night duty, and I only have 5 hours sleep, I feel like drowning and no strength but thank you for this day. The reason I'm breathing and still standing is because of you. You are my life and my father, I do trust you in my days.

Your stubborn child,

I have not been active in this account for a very very long time and I cant remember the last time I wrote or posted or just visit this website. Why? I don’t know. I can give a thousand excuses but the truth is, none of it is exactly true.

Its been a while. yes. Its been a while since I last cry out to God and tell Him I missed Him so much. It’s been a while since I was honest on my salvation and on my faith. 

Two weeks ago I had a chance to attend a youth retreat and I was not just a regular attendee but a team leader. When I learned that my brother was asked to play on the retreat and I was not asked to sing or attend the event, I was dissapointed. I ask myself, why am I not part of the event? Why they only ask my brother and not me? I was sad and my ego kicked, and the thought that I was not good enough to be part of the “all star” (that’s what my brother named their team) just kept popping to my mind as the days passed by. And then one of the coordinator asked me to be a team leader and right away I SAID YES. Honestly, I have no idea of what I am going into nor what do i need to do. the last retreat I attended was way back probably 10 years ago? I can’t remember. Another insecurity kicked in as the day of the retreat is coming near. I am insecure on my english language. I’ll be meeting a bunch of maybe highschoolers or kids who grew up here in Canada and I might not be able to catch up nor relate to their life because of the different culture and the age difference. 

And so the day of the retreat came. It was a three day two nights activity. It was packed. The Sunday before the weekend of the retreat, the pastor on our church preached about giving it all. He talked about the difference of the outcomes if we give less compares to when we give more, when we give it all. going to the retreat, i have baggage of my insecurities, the stress of work - study life, keeping up a long distance relationship, helping my family, friends and showing mercy and love to others even in the worst case scenario. I did not realize that I have all this baggage with me that I carry all along as the day passes by and thought that I already surrender it to God. but the reality hits me during the retreat.

During the retreat, I realized that I miss JESUS. I miss how to be joyful inspite of heartaches, i miss being with my fellow believers just praising God, I miss telling stories about how Jesus changes me and keeps changing me and how His love gives me hope and makes me stronger to face the day. I miss talking about Him. I miss just being with Him, acknowledging His presence and enjoying that moment. 

All this time I thought I had put all my trust on Him. I thought I truely surrendered and followed Him but I was wrong. I fooled myself by trying to correct things on my own, tried to fix the broken in me and tried to navigate my life in my hands.

Until now I am struggling to put the worldly things aside and focus on Him. But this time is different. This time I have a clear picture of what Jesus is and what He has done, doing and will do for me. I am excited to be used by God and see the change it will give me and to the people around me. 

My pastor told me, God puts Himself a little away from us for us to see what really matters and what we need in this journey of life. And we only need Him, Jesus. 

I love you Jesus.

Your child,

C