#diaryentriespcabc

#4

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𝓦𝓮𝓭𝓷𝓮𝓼𝓭𝓪𝔂

𝟏𝟎:𝟓𝟕 𝓟𝓜

𝓐𝓹𝓻𝓲𝓵 𝟏𝟕𝓽𝓱

𝟏𝟗𝟕𝟒

I can’t bear this anymore. He thinks we’re just supposed to bear it, but he doesn’t get it- he doesn’t get that it’s so, so messed up… he’s come back all messed up again. I knew it must have been worse than usual these past couple weeks when he would barely answer James on the train. He slept for most of the ride. He told us what happened over the break about an hour ago- he’s sleeping in James’s bed tonight. I want to be with them like we usually do when he has a hard night, but I need time to think before I get back in.

James has told Sirius so many times his mum & dad can help and I told him mine can help- we even told him McGonagall or Dumbledore would obviously do something- but he won’t let us say anything. He says we're his best mates and have to keep his secrets but this doesn’t feel right to keep… it’s wrong. It’s so fucking messed up and cruel and I HATE it. He says that his excuse for parents have too much power in the Ministry and I know that’s partly true, but surely the Aurors would take what’s happening seriously. Da’ always says that adults shouldn’t hurt kids or teenagers and that what G. did to me was wrong even if he hadn’t of ended up turning me so doesn’t that make what Sirius’s parents are doing wrong? They do so much more than what I hear all the other guys go through with their parents… it’s actually illegal. That must count for something…

I love him back… I’ve loved him since we became better mates but now I know I really, really love him and I’m so pissed off at him for making me be silent. It makes me want to cry when I see those marks and scars on his ankles from those binding curses and the bruises that haven’t gone away by the time we get back to school- I have cried, but it doesn’t matter to him. He never fucking listens. His mum and dad are wretched, and awful and horrid and disgusting and I HATE them so fucking much for what they do to him and Regulus. Reg never seems too poorly done by, or maybe he just holds himself better… I don’t know. Sirius says he gets the beatings and punishments too, but most of the time that’s apparently only if he tries to stick up for him. I wish they were closer as brothers, because then we could try and convince them both at the same time that what is happening isn’t okay.

Reg can’t even bear to be in the same vicinity as James and I though, so clearly that’s never going to happen… I don’t know why he dislikes us so much, but I assume his stupid friends have something to do with it. He seems alright enough, too… he doesn’t belong in that crowd, they’re just bringing him down the same road as his parents. It’s not friendship, it’s just some mental “sacred twenty-eight” bonding or something.

I want Sirius to come live with me and Da’. Or with James and his parents. Or even foster care. Any home would be better than the one he’s in. It would be so cool if he got to come live with me- we could spend all the time on the beach and go swimming in the summers and hang out in my old tree fort and Da’ could take us to see a flick all the time and we could have such a great time together. He’s never even been to my house yet. He’s been to James’s twice of course, but his parents only let him go for a couple weeks each time and he ALWAYS has to go home for breaks.

I don’t want to be… but I’m scared. And I feel sicker every time he tells me what happens to him when he's home. I try and try and try to convince myself that I’m being dramatic, Sirius says I am, but I’m fucking scared … the books I took out in the library say prolonged exposure to the Cruciatus curse and having it enacted upon you multiple times can cause permanent damage… then there’s his mental state, the books don’t talk about that though apart from it possibly driving someone straight mental, which obviously just scares me even more. They say it’s the worst pain one can experience, so obviously it would mess someone up, right? No amount of James and I holding him to try and make him feel better & being gentle with him through the usual week-long aftermath like they always are for me after a moon can fix that…

He’s started crying more in the night… more than he’s done in the past few years. And the way he cries during those nightmares makes me feel ill…. it's not fair. He flinches too when I go and touch his arm or try to hug him now… he always brushes it off, acts like it was nothing, but it makes me want to hold him and never let him go back home ever ever ever again.

I love him and he’s kind and he’s good - why do bad things have to happen to good people?

#3

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𝓜𝓸𝓷𝓭𝓪𝔂

𝟕:𝟑𝟏 𝓐𝓜

𝓕𝓮𝓫𝓻𝓾𝓪𝓻𝔂 𝟏𝟕𝓽𝓱

𝟏𝟗𝟕𝟒

I hurt him I dont know what happened I dont know why I did but I hurt him last night when we were all out in the woods and hes got a huge scratch on his leg AND HE KEEPS SAYING ITS NOTHING but it IS something and it was from ME and I want to fucking D̳I̳E̳

̳

I don’t deserve him, I don’t deserve either of them, I don't deserve anyone loving me- WHO CUTS THEIR BOYFRIEND??? I’m like those blokes they talk about on the telly that beat their wives, I’m absolutely horrid and he made a mistake dating me, he made a mistake ever knowing me- both of them did and they are too damn blinded by being fucking them to see it. I can barely write about this I feel so sick. I want to puke. I hate me. I hate every part of me so much. I wish Da’ had of just put me down like the rabid dog I am back when it happened.

Sirius and James tried to stop me from leaving the wing, so did Pomfrey but I don’t care. I’m not staying there. For the first time ever, he has to stay there for the morning while the medicine soaks in. He kept saying it isn’t that bad BUT IT IS. He kept yelling at me & telling me I’m being “a dramatic prat” and that it “isn’t as bad as all of mine by far” but that is NOT the point. The point is I HURT HIM.

I’m in Myrtle’s lavatory right now and I am never coming out. I’m just going to run away and make it so no one has to deal with me ever again. Maybe make a living by selling stolen wands in Diagon Alley or going to the lower ends of London and selling marijuana and cocaine or maybe I can just make sure I turn next moon near some Aurors so they’ll just kill me and end this once and for all- remove the stain I’ve put on my family and friends just by being alive.

#1

(2) (3) (4)

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𝓢𝓪𝓽𝓾𝓻𝓭𝓪𝔂,

𝓙𝓪𝓷𝓾𝓪𝓻𝔂 5𝓽𝓱

12:10 𝓟𝓜

1974

I’m finally back at the castle (thankfully) - and I’m actually getting a moment of peace after classes cause Sirius and James went to have a row with Evan cause he said something about Marlene that made her cry. I can’t remember what it was about. Everyone loves the new transistor radio Da’ gifted me for Nollaig- he even bought me another “after Nollaig” gift he called it- a better antenna, he says it can reach as far as Spain’s frequencies with clarity. I’ve already had my fun with it, but it would be nice if James and Sirius would stop hogging it every night from Peter and I. James keeps playing what he, Peter and I all like thankfully, but Sirius keeps tuning it to this annoying pop-only station and I DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO POP ANYMORE!!! I swear, I'm going to go mental. I’ve told him that but do you think he listens? No, of course he doesn’t.

The moon is in about two weeks and as always, Da’ kept asking for me to come home for it or even just afterwards for a couple days, and I really don’t know how many times I can say no. I don’t want to go home for it, I don’t even want to be there in general most of the time anymore. It just makes me pissed off… or sad. I don’t know which. Maybe both. I never felt this way before going off to school, but now it just keeps reminding me about the fact Da’ has to have me as a son, and how we’re only there ‘cause I was too disgusting for Mum to look at. Everyone around me here has both parents and it's annoying because I would if I wasn’t a freak. I don’t care how many times James, Sirius, Peter, Da’, McGonagall and Pomfrey tell me otherwise- they don’t know anything, and it’s the truth.

The Chess Club finals to decide who is going to attend the championship in May are coming up and Lily keeps joking with me that she will win “hands down”, she says. It’s light fun, but I really hope she doesn’t. She always wins at everything all the time. She even got the better scores in our exams last year by a hair and I know it's because I was tired from the moon the night prior. What’s most annoying is that she doesn’t gloat. I wish she would gloat. It would make it easier, I think. She refused to even tell me about her results for a couple days because she said I would be “sulky”. What a thing to say- I am NOT sulky when I lose. I just don’t like to in regards to academics is all.

Signing off now as I can hear James coming up the stairs- or trying to? Sounds like him and Peter are arguing. I can hear Alice too, she’s probably only coming up because one of them is bleeding.

#2

(1) (3) (4)

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𝓢𝓾𝓷𝓭𝓪𝔂

𝓙𝓪𝓷𝓾𝓪𝓻𝔂 20𝓽𝓱

1:47 𝓟𝓜

1974

I’m stuck in the hospital wing again- can’t leave, or Pomfrey will lose it. Can’t do anything, so thought I may as well write. She says I’m not leaving for two days this time. This one isn’t even that bad, it’s just deep- she says it will get infected if I tear the stitching. It’s on my chest this time. Sirius and James were there when I woke up as usual (Peter was with Cindy apparently) and of course I just had to cry which was embarrassing as hell- Sirius and his stupid fucking ability to always make me do that. He just kept being too soft with me, he’s always too soft with me after the moon and I HATE IT. I’ve told him to stop doing that but he never listens and I hate that I cave to it… it makes me feel so weak. James is soft, but not like him- he’s just kind, he just wants to try and distract me with funny jokes or stupid stories but Sirius has to always lay beside me and be stupidly gentle with me as if I want that comfort. If I did, I would just go home where Da’ is always coddling me and acting like I’m a wounded dog.

I guess I am.

Which just makes me even more pissed off.

Apart from the guys being here, I got someone visiting that I wasn't expecting: Lily. She’s never came before and though I told her that I’m fine, she wouldn’t leave. I’m thankful I don’t always have to stay in the wing after the moon or else she may catch on. To be honest, I fear she may already be… maybe it’s just a fear, but it's the questions . And this really strange look in her eyes she gets sometimes when she looks at me. What makes it worse is that she seems like the guys, someone I could tell, but I find myself always needing to refrain and remind myself the guys are a rarity . McGonagall and Dumbledore and Pomfrey are rarities- Lily would despise me if she knew. She would tell the whole school, and tell everyone I’m a wretched monster, and wouldn’t ever be able to look at me again and would obviously get me expelled.

She brought me some sort of book on cross-stitching and told me I could start doing it to pass the time whenever I feel too ill to get out of bed and though that is so stupid and for girls, I thanked her anyways. She’s t nice to have told her the truth. I like hr a lot, and I’m glad she I became mates last year despite the fact I’m bes mates with James and Siris.

I’m stop writing now. Got tired.