#diary1

It’ been awhile since I’ve written something like this but it’ll be fun to start up again. Especially with my current situation, it’s probably in my best interest to keep my thoughts written down. At least to help keep me busy. Now, where do I start? Well the beginning is the obvious answer, right? 

I woke up in a room that we now know as the “Anteroom”, oh and when I say ‘we’ I’m talking about the other 18 people who were in the room with me. We quickly discovered that none of us could remember how we got there. Some tried to open the doors while others looked for an alternate way out. I was very confused and only stood around watching a lot of things unfold. What got me going again was a fight that broke out between Petra and Saki (more info on them later on). I tried to help Petra who took a punch to the face and was then distracted by the Cici who woke up with an amazing introduction. I then tried to help figure out the clues that were found hidden around the room. I felt like I was getting something but then a boy, I think his name is Dmitri, was able to figure it out. I’m not exactly sure how he did it but the safe didn’t seem quite happy about it since it sprayed him with ink. Inside the safe was a tablet with a map of the room we are currently in and well that’s it. 

So far I’ve only been able to see and interact with a few people but here’s what I’m able to tell so far:

I first talked to Petra (since I went to check up on her). She has a very strong personality for sure. She said many rude things to the others but I’m sure she’s a nice girl, she’s most likely stressed out. She didn’t say anything to me so I’m sure you just have to start off on a good note with her.

Saki was the girl who was fighting with Petra. She also has a strong personality and she just doesn’t take to kindly to those who ridicule others for no reason. But when not upset she seems to be easy going and cheerful. I’ll try talking to her later on. 

Takuma was another one who stood out. He was very proactive when it came down to looking for clues. Sadly though it seems many people turned on him after he said some rather controversial comment. I’m not agreeing with his statement but threatening to beat him up about it seemed to be too much. I checked up on him to see if he was ok and by he was very distraught by the whole thing. I’m sure he’s learned his lesson and I hope he starts to feel better.

Runa is very kind and caring. She helped Izaya when they were panicking about being in a room. She’s easy to talk to when we shared a few words during the whole “mystery of the safe” scene. I should try to talk to her again too!

I only had a short talk with Raiden when I asked him to help me with something I had found. Sadly it turned out to be nothing. He was very kind to help me out and I feel so bad for wasting his time. 

The same thing for Takeshi, I had asked him for further assistance with the task Raiden and I was working on. I should try to talk to both of them soon. They were very kind for being willing to help me out with my crazy delusions.

And then, of course, there was Seojun, he was the one who found the safe in the first place! I was curious about him and wanted to chat further. I found about his talent and it seems I had the wrong idea about him. He’s like a hero of the online community! I’m glad I got to talk to him.

Leon was someone I saw who was walking from one person to another to help them in their confusion and fear. He’s very kind and always looking out for others. I went to talk to him when I spotted him on his own. We talked about the situation and he comforted me when I also began to panic a little. We started to play a game to help lighten the mood! I feel like a child playing the game but that’s not a really bad thing.

Izaya is very sweet as well. It seems that they are very nervous and fearful so I’m trying to handle them with care. I hope to learn more about them!

Liz is super nice! She’s very captivated by the idea of getting married and when it comes down to love and marriage than I just can’t contain my excitement! I hope she’ll let me plan her wedding when she finds the partner she’ll want to spend her life with!

I talked a bit about Cici before and her grand entrance. She was very cute and I loved her energy! She reminded of my little siblings. I also love her outfit! She’s very interesting and I want to talk to her more!

And as I said before, Dmitri is the one who cracked the code. Other than that I don’t know anything about him. I should thank him properly for opening the safe.

Chiyo is also very cute. She gave a wonderful suggestion when it came down to solving the code for the safe. She seems very timid but nice and I hope I can get to know her more.

Last but not least there’s Ethan. He has a scary job and he knew stuff about me. Which isn’t surprising if you take into account what his talent is and that I do have a few articles about me out there. He’s an interesting fellow and I do hope I can get to know him better.

Well, that’s all I have for the moment. It turns out I talked to more people than I had originally thought. That’s pretty good! Well until next time diary.

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total word count: 1,036

It feels like it’s been night for months everyday I’m under white lights or the dark, and there’s a quiet roar outside. Turning my face to the dark blue

I’d like someone to gather my hair into a ponytail and pull my head back

Last night as I was falling asleep and waking up I kept thinking of a river running through me.

In my dream last night a lover was helping me pronounce a name or a word in a foreign language.

Thinking, when I’m drinking wine alone and not at home I want it to be somewhere that feels like a cafeteria or a grocery store, clean and unromantic and well lit, with paper cups. (Ikea Cafe, Pret, airport cafe, Whole Foods?)

Remembering myself a few days ago crying over a friend that had gone feels far away from me now but I like who I was in that moment.

Had a dream that started with me sitting in a car with an open roof that was filling with snow.

Tonight I met someone who happened to know the first person I ever kissed.

The word ‘research’ has given me comfort lately.

After a long period of feeling, trying to feel, being addicted to it, rediscovering the joy of thinking.

Nothing worse than ‘just a little tired’.

Dodging identity like arrows !

Today imagining my interior as a bunch of unidentifiable plastic figurines scattered across a dark blue carpet, or arranged chaotically on the sand  A day like this, an interlude between days when everything  feels locked in its place, is valuable in its own way. Pieces that will click in later, maybe

Abstract shapes in the sky passing by out the train window

The food I’ve been eating lately is the size and shape of these little plastic objects

Finding large indoor structures I can wander around in freely - museums, department stores, indoor malls. Dream to be able to get up from bed in the middle of the night and walk inside somewhere like that undisturbed. (Hotel, my own large house, a castle, lime works)

Walked around today uptown trying to get glimpses into the townhouses and private clubs. A doorman with a baseball bat was practicing his swing but stopped when he saw me looking at him. Went to the Bergdorf Goodman and talked to the perfume sellers asking them oddly articulated questions (couldn’t think of the word ‘synthetic’) and now my arms smell strongly 

Dreamt of driving down a highway and hundreds of people were selling fruit on the sides

Dreamt of a circle of life size figures made of white sand burning and turning black. One was speaking to me but I don’t remember what she said.

I woke up tired but happy to be back in my city. My room still smells like something I can't put my finger on, not unpleasant.

Going to university again was a great refreshment. Being in my office there already makes me productive and in control. I sit down on my desk and I am ready to start achieving things. That the computer is working again since my colleagues fixed (aka put the cables in the right ports) it, is a big blessing. Working on a big, fast computer, I feel even more productive.

In the lunch break, I ate with A and I really enjoyed my first meal at the cafeteria again. We talked about science and the month at the office while I was away and like with everyone at my office, I felt like I have at least 10 IQ points less than them, but A is very kind and it's still enjoyable to talk to him. I can't stop thinking about the fact that he eats dry French fries every day at the cafeteria, though.

On the way home, I sent all 3 film rolls into development. Then, I found my bike where I locked it over 3 months ago and carried it to the repair shop. Bike repair guys are people from another planet, I swear. The guy told me that repairing my bike would basically cost more than double it's value and in that moment, I decided to finally lay it to rest after 6 years. I thanked my bike for all it's efforts these years and then just put it on a bike stand without locking it. The city will do the rest.

At home, I finally gave in to my hyper horny urges and took some pictures for reddit/gonewild. Listening to Slut Pop by Kim Petras and drinking coconut water while taking half- naked pictures on my room floor gave me another kind of confidence.

I met with B to have a big debrief of my trip to Portugal. I can understand a lot of her dislike for Brazil a lot better, yet, I'm even more excited to go there now. The place we went to was kind of fancy for this city, I think it was a French restaurant. The waiter was so nice I wondered if he was flirting with me but he was just doing his job, lol. B was apparently sick for the last 3 weeks and then also got stomach issues again from the desert there and have to leave.

I'm still so tired, physically. I feel also like I'm still processing Portugal now.

After B, I went to C's place. I thought I was late but actually, everyone was still there; Y and even G! I ran towards everyone screaming and hugging them so much and I the hallway I said to myself "You're home" Being with everyone was like always; everyone is kind of constantly talking, sometimes over each other, everyone wanted to know about Portugal, I tried to get drunk on the wine there but failed. I felt like I wanted to talk to everyone individually in peace but it was too full, too loud, too chaotic for that.

Also, S had canceled me for the weekend. Last minute again, of course. It was the third time she canceled a long planned thing one day before now and I didn't see her in 10 months by now. I decided to not put any effort in our friendship now, I don't wanna bother with someone who keeps canceling like this. Of course, it ruined my mood for a bit. Then I tried to ask one of the others to join me for the birthday party tomorrow so I can take a friend there like I said. Y said she wanted to come but she is also not completely cancel - free and I will feel nervous about it until I see her there. I hate that I am so not chill about meeting friends. I wish I could actually be spontaneous, actually not care when people cancel, actually be okay with people coming or not coming. Instead, I await the meeting half eagerly half anxiously. I might meet G on the weekend as well, if M agrees to go to another place Saturday. I should be happy I have so many amazing friends to do things with but not having security about people coming makes me nervous and I'm still tired from the holiday with my parents or Portugal or both or because it's winter or because I'm tired in general.

Hello, hello, hello!!

This is my very first tumblr post on this blog!╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

I'm pretty sure no one is going to read these posts, but oh well hehe

Today was an okay day. Since I'm in high school, finals are starting to come around (uwahh), so I started studying today ugh

My worst subjects are Chemistry and Spanish, someone helpp!!!

Today I ate traditional korean noodles, spicy kalbi, and fried tofu! Yumm!

My mom scolded me a little bit today, but it wasn't as bad as other days haha

Idk what else to say, but hope anyone who sees this enjoys my blog (*^▽^*)

Why is this so hard? W H Y ?

Like this evening,Im sitting in front of my PC Listening music

Imagine all the memories that I had

Im trying to get over with this shit tho

But I don’t know how to do it

Or what should I do to myself

I have no idea that this hurts me so much

I think Im going through another depression episode

Im think LOW of myself

VERY LOW

Can’t feel anything that matters to me

It scares me when Im in this state

I just want to hide myself from the world

Like wanna staying at my room all day by myself

Im scared Im tired

Im feel unconfidence

huftt...

Im not okay

Im not feeling good

Not feeling anything at all

Even with all this cuts

I can’t feeling anything

It sucks

Really suck

I wonder how you do it right now?

Are you okay?

Im missing you like hell

But it doesn’t matter now

Im nothing matters to you

Because for you, my existences is just nothing

Like a piece of paper that you throw to bin with a big smile on your face

Like it was nothing at all

I hate everything

I hate pretending to be okay

No one knows me