#diary??

Yuri On Ice (topics and vague spoilers) and it's music.

And euhh I started and finished Yuri!!! On Ice, and it was honestly so fantastic. Firstly it was just had so many relatable topics going on there. Yuri is mostly so amazing. You've got enormous fanboying (but like still as a young adult), you've got the college life, realistic set-backs from pressure and anxiety (both to perform in life and to deal with figuring your future out as you are growing out of young adult phase when you're expected to know by now) and seeing growth in how to deal with it, you've got the late bloomer love, definitely partly caused by finding your queer identity and struggling with conventional gender expression and relationship ship roles. These are all topics I continue to struggle with too.

But then the thing even more.... THE MUSIC. Music is such a powerful medium. The wide variety of emotions music can make you feel.

So many choices that make a great piece. From the individual melodies and beats, to the totality of having lots of things going on or very little things, in various difficulties, all with their own way of succeeding to create something absolutely beautiful in succeeding to induce feelings. The progression of a piece can tell you a whole story, from various details and different sides of one feeling or passing through multiple emotions and thoughts.

Some pieces used in YOI have (and continue) to absolutely emotionally wreck me when I listen to it. I hate and love it at the same time. I get so overwhelmed with feelings and induce such powerful images. Even long after watching the anime and forgetting all the details I will still catch on to their themes through the music (like apart from how the music would feel when it's totally separated from the story it eventually supports). I love it so much I find it so fantastic that music can do such a thing. But it also absolutely wrecks me, since it makes me get very out of touch with my boring real life and makes me live in my head a bit too much from time to time. (a little bit too much out of my control really). But yeah That's that.

(I l o v e the opening making history, on love both eros and agape, Yuri on ICE, thème of king JJ, piano concerto in B minor (allegro), terra incognito, intoxicated, shall we skate, partizan hope, l'homme arme (I could go on really). I love how their own interpreties of the pieces and the relation to their own life and experiences are so incorporated in the plot lines. Really gives these pieces extra meanings outside what I would imagine.

Also don't forget that it has some BEAUTIFUL animation.

This week I finished rewatching free! Up to s2 and am now watching season 3 for the first time. It's very gay and mushy and I love Rin just so much. He is mostly portrayed as this really stoic cool guy, but in Canon this boy is so emotional and feels so deep???? Just too pure, love him and his cute English accent 😭😭😭

Rewatching Ouran high school host club with my sister when we eat dinner. It's very nice, and still such an entertaining mess.

I took some lovely night walks to some cannal in ghent. Really pretty how the lights are reflected in the water.

I'm enjoying going to the fitness even though my schedule is totally different. Started doing a lot of cardio since I've had revision surgery to my topsurgery scars and am not allowed to do any upper body training. (eased very slowly into walking and low tempo shit, but now building up to running again). I've made up my mind and I'm gonna really focus on weight-loss for a few months. I've been tracking my food, but really going just a tiny bit lower than previous in combination with more cardio has really been showing results already. It's a routine I feel like I will be able to keep up!

Also I shaved my legs??? My legs have gotten super hairy due to testosteron and just damn, I dot really mind that they're shaving but I ain't gonna do that again. It does however made me be able to see the muscle definition in my legs much clearer and I'm feeling really good about that!

Very happy with how revision surgery turned out. They removed all the excess glue and unresolved threads, so finally able to see the actual results. Had a good talk with the doctor about some insecurities and nervousness u had about maintaining my scars and not making the same unfortunate mistake as last time. (on the day of my operation the doctor who actually performed the surgery was unable to talk to me in his schedule, so a nurse told me the basic of the basics but I had a lot of questions that she half assed answered so I was actually quite stressed the past 2 weeks about something going wrong before my follow up appointment.

I'm really looking forward to Saturday. Gonna meet with 3 of my friends and we're gonna get so super wasted. I hope we all puke and have a good time. (love my dad squad)

I'm looking forward to planning my meals for next week, this week i was dissatisfied with what I made last minute every time. I did really enjoy the sporadous trip for some rocket popsicles with my sister. They were very nice, and we had to eat all 9 in one setting cause we don't have a freezer hehehe. Ooh I also really made some Gooodd coffee this week. I love coffee so much 😭

Don't know what's up with my sleep schedule lately, but it's wonky. I tried to sleep and since I have a slight cold I even took NyQuil alongside trazodone as that's one of the meds prescribed to me. Excuse me if I make no sense.

Gave up on sleep at 5 and decided I would make a smoothie despite not knowing exactly how to make one. I got a tiny cut because of it. Thankfully my grandma came home around that time and walked me through the steps. I even wrote them down. I felt like such a little kid watching her grandma make something like I'd do as a child.

I remember helping her pick up chestnuts and then she would make pudding. And I remember how the chestnuts felt so big in my tiny hands.

One thing I have learned is I have to be assertive with my grandma in order to learn from her. I've never really pushed back when it comes to independence at home. It's to the point where when I want to learn to do something myself, I won't ask her even if she'd be super helpful.

It basically stems from her spoiling me. Honestly? I don't know what's come over me recently, but suddenly I just want to do stuff myself. I kind of always have.

I remember snuggling up to my grandma when I was 6 or so and seeing a man play piano on a Korean show and told her I wanted to learn. We got a keyboard and private piano lessons when I was eight.

I didn't practice.

The thing I never got training in until I was in my teens was singing and I would practice all the time. I'd even write songs.

I think the problem was that I wanted to learn, but I didn't want people telling me I needed to practice. It's weird. Might be the rebel in me, but I'm not entirely sure.

There are so many things I should've learned earlier in life, but i'm glad I'm learning now instead of going out into the world and being helpless.

And I need to sleep because if I go without sleep for too long, it gets bad.

I need to rant and i’m bad at keeping journals. Twitter can’t be a safe place bc of my moots sO I’m making this blog that I’ll hopefully be able to keep up?

It will be like a safe place I think so it might get kind of triggering oof.

I think I’ll start at the start of 2019 bc it will be like a new start if it makes any sense but maybe if I explode I’ll start it sooner :’)