#diary?

To the unfortunate ✨🥀 (or most fortunate 😌🌻 - perhaps neutral? 👀🌱) Soul who sees this:

I wonder what sort of state You’d consider yourself in… The possibilities are thought-wringing. Yes 🙂. Thought-wringing cx

This… may be an attempt to do a life check-in. Sooo, if you’d like to do one with me, please feel free -^u^- 🌸

aight c: Status report: Overwhelmed at everything. Not doing well; multiple breakdowns in a single week alone. Saw burnout from a distance, and promised to treat self with unconditional love, and did best not to take anything out on others. Positive at beginning and “keeping head up.” Proud of self for coming this far [;before, I beat myself up every time I wasn’t able to do what I felt I “needed” to do. Now, I accept that sometimes I do get knocked down, and I allow it to happen, and I do my best to heal while my theoretically burning body lays there].

I am a fool 🤧. For laying there and not rolling around [sometimes I lay in bed, on my phone for hours and declare that “rest” :’) ]. For not yelling out for help or in pain [lashing out because I keep holding everything in; regardless of the reason, I know I haven’t done my part to communicate 😔]. For patching up the wounds and expecting it to be better immediately, moving in such a way that the wounds open up again so it takes even longer to heal than if I had cared for the wound [isolating, and then coming out of isolation from fear-based reasons instead of from actually taking care of myself, so I isolate even more because I’m so exhausted running on negative stress-adrenaline ☹️].

There are two - perhaps three or four? - options I can choose from about what can I do with the above-information:

A: Conclude I can never do anything right and allow that to define me as a person and continue spiraling in the unalchemized darkness. “I try and it doesn’t work. I can’t do anything right. 😀👍✨”

B: Conclude that while I have work to do on the way that I do some things, I acknowledge that I am doing my best with what I have and what I know. Each time I am knocked down, I have an opportunity to be still, reflect on my experiences, and learn what works and what doesn’t. “I tried, and while that didn’t work, this did. I can do more of this and see if it works more. 😌💕”

X: Conclude that I am tired, I just wanna have a good time now, and I push this to future me to handle this because [think nihilism]. “Hey, Ego, here’s something for you [quick fix: ‘you’re doing your best, everyone makes mistakes. Just don’t think about it and move on. It’s fun to be silly li’l guy anyway.] 🤭”

Y: Conclude that each and every one of these are options that are valid, fluid, and each have their own unique consequences. I don’t judge choices that people make because I understand and each of us are on our own made-perfectly-for-us journeys (which I think is wonderful and amazing because we are all embarking on our paths on this Earth together! On the same planet and stuffs! And no matter what we might believe, we’re not alone!), and I should allow myself that same, nonjudgmental freedom >×< I conclude that, since I love myself, I do my best to carry out options that I would hope a loved one carries out. I want the best for my loved ones, and so I want the best for myself. And I hope… by sharing this… this helps more precious souls too uwu 👉👈💕

Now, refer to the beginning. What sort of state are You in? What are you going to do (or not do) with it? :] genuinely curious

I don't understand how I could have ever thought even for a second that you were so perfect. How could I have not seen it coming?

I mean it's typical of you. It's typical of you to go off and just forget. It's typical of you to rub it in my face

It's typical for me to finally feel heartbroken. To finally feel my stomach sink as I sit in call with my friends and desperately try to sound like I'm fine even though I feel as though everything I felt during our brutal time together is crashing down on me once again.

It's so fucking typical for my mind to start to obsess over ever little thing I've noticed. But I know I'm right. I'm right about ever little thing I've thought.

Why?

Because it's typical of me to be right.

Of course it is.

It's typical for me to lay here and type away as to horrible feeling in my stomach spreads .

It spreads to my eyes as they start to sting

My fingers as they endlessly type away

And my brain as it finds new things to say that are so typical yet true.

I lay here knowing that I'll be thinking about this for days. I'll go back to how I was when things first started happening, and you'll be perfectly fine forgetting it all with whoever that person is.

It's all so fucking TYPICAL

TYPICAL

TYPICAL

TYPICAL

TYPICAL

Its funny. I've used that word so much that it doesn't even seem real anymore.

I've thought about how things were so much that they don't feel real anymore either.

.

.

.

.

I don't feel love for you

Yet

I don't hate you.

All I feel is this typical pit in my stomach that tells me I'm not fine.

But I will be eventually

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A rant type of post😋

Writing is my way to get emotions out so that's what I'm doing

after watching oppenheimer and bawling my eyes out unexpectedly at its end, i started thinking about something. we, all of us, in the world, know what happened during Hiroshima and Nagasaki. we are aware of the number of lives lost and people in pain, both physical and emotional, because of it. but we have it in the back of our minds. we are able to discuss it "objectively" because we can keep the awareness of this pain in the back of our minds. and that is a good thing; we shouldn't have to feel pain for something we are not responsible for every time we discuss it in politics or history.

still, if we think about it too much, we do feel the pain, because we are empathetic beings, and we have all lost someone, so, to varying degrees, we can imagine the amount of pain the relatives of the people in those cities, or overall japanese people, felt during and after the events.

it is a thing that weighs upon our collective consciousness. even if we weren't its perpetrators and we feel no guilt whatsoever over it, the amount of pain is so large, that if we think about it too much, if we think of the victims and their relatives as individuals, families, lovers, who were apart for one or another reason, we can imagine the pain. i cannot empathise with the phrase "a hundred thousand people killed", but i can with "a father was on a work trip when he heard the news, and he suddenly knew he didn't have children anymore". that hurts. it aches, and that's why we would rather speak in numbers; because we can detach ourselves from the human beings who lost their lives or loves. and again, that's okay, we do this with so many other things because if we stopped and felt for every tragedy ever, we would lose all faith in humanity, and we would hurt endlessly, but it is good to think about the individual victims of these events sometimes, so that we do not forget the reality of the world, the scope of what they went through, of what humanity's been through.