#diary type thing

it's been weird thinking about the past few years.

as you grow, you get to realize you've changed and see things differently and admit your mistakes, but also know that just admitting your mistakes and even resolving to not repeat them doesn't suddenly make you a Good Person, or for that matter, even an Average Person who doesn't repeat the same mistakes.

things are different, though, in a good way. I notice myself being more careful with everyday phrasing, sanding off the rough edges, but also being more careful about not making it sound like I'm planning future with anybody.

I think. Maybe that was one of the core mechanics of my fast turnaround with relationship and ability to flirt. It wasn't about compliments or being a stand-in for a therapist or gift giving or otherwise love bombing, except for that thing - finding common ground, latching onto it, and making it sound like I want it to be a part of my life.

It’s been a year ago today since Albion and I crashed in the arena. For those of you who may be new, we had a bit of a stumble last year where he tripped over some uneven and deep footing while in the canter and we both went down fairly hard. He was fine but I landed at an odd angle on my head/shoulder and ruptured the rotator cuff in my shoulder as well as obtained a severe pectoral tear. Basically that meant my arm was no longer attached internally save for the fact that it was not dislocated. I could not ride for a long time as the jostling from just a walk made me physically sick and a fellow boarder had to ride him for me. Naturally after I started getting back into the swing of things a few months later, there were saddle fit issues that were causing him back pain. So that was about another 4-5 months before I could afford the fitters and another month and a half before I got it back reflocked and adjusted. We did however do some bareback riding while we waited, although I would not deem this to be refined riding. A week or two after I received my saddle custom fitted, it was perfect timing for a leg strain and mucky pastures to make it worse. Naturally he also had to whack his fletlock on something and get a bone swelling right on the joint itself–the movement is now slightly impaired however thankfully the vet did not deem it worrisome.

But I digress…

It’s been a very long road with many ups and downs. My shoulder still hurts and causes issues sometimes, my seat has gone to complete scheiße and he’s just coming back into work from a leg and joint injury. Between my shoulder, saddle fit issues and then his leg neither of us have really been riding consistently nor seriously. Needless to say we’re both pretty unfit lol. It’s so frustrating when your mind knows exactly what to do, how to do it, and when to do it… but your body simply can’t. And it’s not for a lack of trying.