#diabl

i. it's ok to be hurting. it's ok to hurt and it's ok to feel a little bit melted, broken. a conundrum; a missing piece of a never-ending puzzle. it's ok. because people hurt, and warmth melts things. and if something is broken, it can be fixed just as well. and hurt is sometimes the thing that moves us forward. and you'll know when that's what the hurt is there for- to move you forward. take it, stick the hurt inside of you further, and move forward.

ii. tell me what it feels like to be in love. you seem so comfortable, open, ardent* saying it. and i admire that. do you feel any different? when you go to bed at night, do you feel butterfly wings fluttering beneath your eyelids. do stars try to fall from your irises and can you feel dandelion seeds floating through your veins? i only imagine about the days that i wake up with the sun in my chest; it must be nice. and i know i'm speaking in writer-words but, still, it must be nice.

i had an ecstatic time in vegas. an absolutely spectacular, much-needed time there. i wish i could go into details but i'm in pain with cramps and i feel like a slug, haha. i couldn't have asked for it to go better, though. the group of girls i went with were all fun. of course there was minor drama, but we got over it and always went back to our main motivation which was to have a good time. and i did. i had a splendid time and am glad i went despite minor could've-been-setbacks.

yesterday was a horrible day at work. one of my managers told me that she was "disappointed" in me because of something that was kind of out of my control. anyway, everything is changing there and nobody likes it anymore. a lot of the fun people have left and the fun managers have been replaced with new ones that are too strict and also not strict enough, if that makes sense. well, i'm thinking about looking for another job. though i've made a lot of friends there, my friendships have surpassed work, and it's to the point where work is not the thing that ties us together anymore, but rather our relationship(s) that've been formed outside of it.

so my friend did commit suicide. apparently his mother found his body hanging last week or so. idk. i don't know the details but, i mean, what can i do about it? other than accept that it's happened, and hope that Jah will remember him in the future. i mean, i'm not sure how suicide works, tbh. it's never happened to anyone i knew personally. so, with that being said, i hope he stays in Jah's memory. i mean, when i asked my mom "why.. even after all he's learned?" she said, "there's a difference between learning something, and applying something to ur life. sometimes the world is too overwhelming and as much as people try to better themselves, it's just too much." and it made sense. it's kinda like running a race with a backpack made from bricks and cement on. and even though you don't wanna give up, you wanna keep running and you want so badly to take that backpack off and just run to the finish line, i guess it becomes physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting. and it's to the point where the only thing a person can do is quit? i'm trying to put it into perspective. bare with me..

today is my day. i slept in. i'm hungry. i'm broke. i have to clean the house and my room. i'm thinking about a lot of things but my head keeps going blurry and getting in the way of my thoughts.

woah duct tape sounds like it would hurt when you peel it off